It feels like infinite pain. Trapped underneath a pile of bricks made out of never ending misery, crushing my soul and preventing it from living free. Free from the environmental behaviour of the people around me. Free from the truth.
CHAPTER1: An Everyday Thing
The door gets slammed open. A strong and evil figure enters the room. Timmy doesn't run. He knows escaping is not an option. All he can do is close his eyes, hoping it all ends fast. It approaches and gets a grab on Timmy's hair, pulling him through the door hole. Physical pain isn't new for him. It can almost be called "an everyday thing". Tears aren't of use. He knows it's dark and he has almost gotten used to it. Hate and anger are pressed into a dark corner of his mind. With few abilities left, he mentally prepares for another demolition of his dignity.
"Found your magazines." His dad whispers into Timmy's ear. He
feels the warm breath on his ear. No emotions. As Timmy gets
thrown on the kitchen floor, his head gets smacked against the
cupboard. Another mark along with many scars and bruises
defining lifelong abuse. Blood flows off his head and lands on
the floor. Not caring about the wound, he still gets anxious as
he knows the worst is yet to come. His eyes spread open as he
hears the sound of a belt being undone. He holds on as pain chews
on his insides.
"You think you can hide that stuff from me, huh? Well think again, you worthless piece of shit," his dad again whispers as if someone is about to bust on his torturing deeds. Timmy tries to scream when he feels the leather strangled around his neck, but there's no one who might be able to hear he's in pain and needs help. It's almost impossible when living on a farm in the middle of nowhere and when they're the only people within a radius of a hundred meters. While help is far out of reach, Timmy hopelessly lies on the ground, vulnerable for his dad's actions. Pain slowly converts into tears.
CHAPTER2: Denial & Rejection
He looks at his wounded face in the mirror while dipping it off with a wet sponge. His dad is out for tonight so that means he has to hide somewhere before he comes home completely wasted and full of anger. The last time he came home drunk was a total disaster. Timmy couldn't walk for a week after that night. His foot was completely twisted from "falling off his bike"; that's what he was obligated to tell anyone who asked about it. Little did they know his dad threw him of the stairs that night. He can't make the same mistake twice. Therefore, he must hide. Hide where the devil can't find and hurt him. He takes his pillow and walks outside into the darkness.
Trauma assimilates through sleep. Sometimes it kills and sometimes it'll construct new possibilities through nightmares.
Morning hood shines through the crevices of the barn. Timmy wakes up on a pile of hay. Surprisingly he hadn't had to encounter his dad's ferocity as a result of his drunkenness. As relieved he is, he rises and takes a look outside the barn. No sign of his father. On his bare feet, he walks to the house. There he finds him on the kitchen floor, completely passed out. Timmy thinks to himself how easy it is to just take a knife and slit his throat open. The possibilities are forming in his head. They taste sweet and look beautiful, though he can't possibly pay the rent by himself. After standing in the kitchen for two long minutes with his imagination all swirling inside his head, he shakes away his thoughts and runs upstairs to get dressed.
Ring. Timmy has just put on some proper trousers as he hears a loud bell ringing from downstairs. It was rather odd to hear the doorbell when it has been months since someone was actually at the door. Timmy looks from upstairs, seeing his dad still passed out. He decides to open the door himself.
Light falls on his face as he sees a boy from about the same age
as him standing in the open door hole. He has semi long blond
hair that waves in the wind. Bright green eyes are gazing at him,
or at the wound on his forehead.
"Hey, Is yo dad home? I've been told that I might get a job here for a couple of months," he says is a Southern accent. "I'm Dennis By the way." "I'm Timmy. Uh, my dad is still asleep," he says, euphemising the truth.
"Can I come in?" The boy asks friendly. Timmy looks behind himself at his dad who still is completely unconscious . "Uh, let's just go around the back so you can take a look at the farm." He says, quietly closing the front door behind him.
"So, what is it that I have to do to make some money here?"
Dennis asks while he gazes at the vast landscape. Timmy explains
that there's much work to be done and that his dad is going to
give him some assignments. But it seems like Dennis is
"What's up with your bruises? " he asks as he points at Timmy's left arm. Timmy immediately puts his arm behind his back and feels assaulted for a second. "Fell of my bike," he says while the expression on his face tells differently. Although Dennis knows he's lying, he doesn't ask. Dark clouds are forming above them and raindrops are slowly starting to fall out of the sky. Timmy proposes to shelter in the barn until the rain stops pouring.
"Is that your dad?" Dennis asks as he looks between the cracks of
the wooden wall of the barn. Timmy sits next to Dennis as he
squeezes his eyes and tries to aim his view at the figure
standing in the veranda.
"Yeah that's him. Looks like he's awake," Timmy says. There's a moment of silence when the two are waiting for the rain to stop. Timmy feels a little awkward, but most of all it feels new to him. An experience other than the everyday beating of his father.
Maybe I'll just run away he thinks. He starts to have more clearance in his head. The emotional impact of the rain falling out of the sky and the fact he's alone with another boy in the barn makes him feel special.
"Whatcha thinking of?" Dennis asks. Timmy wakes up out of his imagination.
"Uh, not much," he answers when a little smile forms on his face. He hasn't smiled in a very long time so it almost feels weird. "C'mon, be honest with me here," Dennis says as he comes a bit closer to Timmy. "What really caused all those bruises?"
A moment of reality. A moment of testify. If he tells the truth
he knows that it's going to turn into drama and word vomit. He
can't handle sharing the truth. The emotions that involve are too
drastic and devastating. He doesn't want to come clean. All the
time he tries to think away the pain, but now he's obligated to
talk about it. Timmy doesn't know what to say. He can try holding
onto a lie, but he's a terrible liar. The moment lasts too long.
He must say something. He looks at the ground and then back to
Dennis who stares at him waiting for a response. Waiting for
something to happen. Timmy exists a moment of pressure that
slowly starts to build up. He looks at Dennis, then at his lips.
Dennis then suddenly feels the lips of Timmy pressing against
his. In a glance, everything felt right for Timmy. His words, he
thought, had evolved into desire. A desire he had never felt
before. For the first time in his life he feels vulnerable for
the right thing. His moment is quickly interrupted by two hands
on his chest pushing him away.
"Yo watcha think you're doin'?!"
Dennis yells angrily as he quickly stands up. Timmy doesn't know
what to say, he doesn't even know what happened. He just sits on
the hay looking startled.
"This is bullshit, am outta here." Dennis leaves the barn, in the rain that is still pouring heavily. Timmy felt like he blew it all away in less than a second. The one chance to feel loved. This is the first time he has ever felt abandoned and rejected by anyone other than his father. Both mentally and physically hurt, he lays down on the hay. For the first time in years he's living a congested mental pain that formed a high pressure on his heart causing him to cry waterfalls. He tries to digests his feelings as he awaits the end of the day.
Night takes over. Timmy feels like the moon understands his pain. He has nothing left to lose anymore. No love, no family, no friends, no way out. He gazes out to the stars and projects his emotions in the intergalactic structures of space. He gets a little agoraphobic which makes him feel so small and worthless in the big universe that doesn't care about his tiny existence. He loathes the fact that he has to live his distressing life in a spiritual torture cage. No destiny on which he can rely on. Also his future is dubious.
The next day seems to have no value. Timmy wakes up in the barn
again. He knows if he enters the house he might get beat up again
for some lame reason. He feels like he might deserve to get
punished after all. A knife through his soul that he didn't even
knew of until it got stabbed deeper and deeper. As little as he
tries to care, he leaves the barn. He sees Dennis, pulling
potatoes, with a basket in his left hand and a glove on his
right. He seems to notice Timmy but doesn't look.
Seems like he got the job after all Timmy thinks. He leaves the barn and heads straight to the house, still being punctured by the knife. He passes a small ditch filled with flowing rain, making him think of his mum who always took him to the shore where they went swimming in the waves. Times sure were better before she passed away from cancer.
"Where do you think you're going?" an almost too loud voice called. Timmy was already heading upstairs. Hearing his dad standing behind him, he concentrates on not letting his anger escape. If that happens, he might end up dead. Before he could even turn around and walk down again, walking suddenly becomes dragging. Everything gets worse within seconds.
He sees the ceiling under which he lies. He sees Dennis looking inside through the window at him, Glazing with not a nerve of emotion at how Timmy is lying beaten up on the floor. He sees humiliation existing in himself. In the moment, he wishes he was dead. It's so easy how a knife cuts through human flesh, yet it's so hard without the right courage to do so. The courage build up from a deep and dark depression that enlarged itself through time. An easy way to escape from the world. Timmy has thought of it, but time has still got its plans. It is time for a change. Apparently the house where he lives in limits the abilities of making any progress, so he has to get away.
The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences.
A day without progress has passed, but a valuable night has yet to come. Timmy looks at his father who has fallen asleep in front of the TV. He sees how his wristwatch switches to 2am. While recovering from a terrible day, he had been making some drastic decisions for the past hours. He has to act as quickly as possible and the upcoming night seemed like a chance he decided to take. With only a bottle of water in his bag, Timmy leaves the house, heads to the road and walks until he reaches the hills. Thereby he leaves everything behind. He has gotten to a point where he believes it is wrong to think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. When he reaches the top of a small hill, about 5 miles from home, he sees beauty in other forms than the beauty people often depicture. Hills and threes capture the young boy's eyes. He couldn't believe the fact that all the time he was only 5 miles away from such beauty. In time, he hopes to travel far enough to find new civilizations. Going to wherever the road brings him. 'Cause happiness is only real if it's shared. Not with the past, but with the future. Therefore he wants to cure his shattered spirit by relying on the future.