Dear little one,
You will never get a chance to read this, so I don’t fully understand why I am writing it. Yet, I feel it must be done. You had a painfully short life, one month to be exact, and you didn’t even get to take your first breath. You weren’t even born. One day I looked down and I was covered in blood, I miscarried you.
I was told countless times it is nobody’s fault and that it was better for my lifestyle that you weren’t born. I was starting university and transferring jobs. People told me I couldn’t do that if I were pregnant with you. I agree with them, but it doesn’t mean that I was lucky in any way.
I didn’t even know I was pregnant, I just went to the doctor to see why I was bleeding so badly. They told me they didn’t know at first, they asked if I was pregnant, I said no. Two weeks later I got the results from a swab test and thats when I found out I was pregnant..... but was no longer. I found out you’d died already.
I didn’t blame myself, I did the natural human response and blamed someone else. I blamed the guy your father would have been. Oh little one... you had a lucky escape from him. After counselling sessions I was told the amount of stress he put me under would have let to an early miscarriage. I couldn’t even bear to be in the same room as him from that moment. I left him.
Don’t think I didn’t tell him about you though. I rang him the second I found out, and you know what he said? Well, he said he didn’t care and that he was happy. There was no comforting you at this stage but he didn’t even offer any sympathy towards me. Your potential father was glad you had died and that I had went through such a horrible thing.
At first I cried a lot, but then I just became cold towards the whole thing. I felt I shouldn’t care, it was only a month’s pregnancy gone wrong. People have had to give birth to their babies while the child has already died in the womb. They have the right to be upset and traumatised, what right did I have to even shed a tear?
However, don’t think I don’t care. I just can’t begin to think of why I should have the right to cry. I’m training in university to be a scientist, so I know you were only a few cells at this stage, which is worse because I can’t even picture you. Psychiatrists and counsellors have told me I need to do something to feel better. They believe my mind is simply shutting the whole experience out.
So they told me to write a letter, to anyone or anything. Simply talk about what happened. So I guess even though I feel completely stupid for doing this, it might help. I’ve accepted I’ll never meet you. Yet, every period I have I can’t even think straight during it. I can’t function during it because I just seem to think that it shouldn’t be happening. It would be 4 months until I was supposed to have another period, that would have been the month you should have been born. March 2013, that’s when I should be going into hospital to scream for a period of time and then give birth.
That isn’t going to happen though. I just want to say one thing....
Be thankful you weren’t born into this world at a time like this. The world is crumbling, apparently the world is in debt... but who can the world be indebted to? There are wars nobody can explain anymore and the cost of living is driving more and more people to the streets. You had a lucky escape, and maybe one day if you do finally meet this earth... and me... you’ll be born into a much happier time.
Goodbye little one,