The Most Awkward Years of My Life

10-23. Remember those numbers. Why, you ask? 10-23 were, without a doubt, the most awkward years of my life. I can remember events in my life at this time that are just absolutely cringe worthy. They were so cringe worthy I’m not even sure why I am going to share these stories with you. Well, yes I do. I have no shame. Grab yourself a soda, a bowl of popcorn and sit back and enjoy a life at my expense. (Or if you’re a kind hearted person, share in my embarrassment, humiliation and pain.)

For some reason, 5th grade sticks out in my head like a sore thumb. I am starting to think that's becasue 5th grade is when my awkwardness started kicking in. Up until 5th grade, I was a sweet, cute little freckled kid, who everyone adored (okay, well maybe that is just in my head) but by 5th grade, my cuteness was wearing off, and in its place awkwardness started beating me with a bat.

I am going to start this particualr story off with a fact: I have a weak bladder. All my life I have been plauged with having to run to the bathroom every five mins., and if I hold my bladder too long, I am blessed with a bladder infection. When I was little bladder infection was my middle name (Actually, my middle name is Louise, but I think bladder infection sounds better, dont you?) When I was younger I used to hold my bladder for hours, becasue you know that whatever was on tv was way more important than having a healthy bladder, duh.

One time in 5th grade I remember having a bladder infection (surprise, surprise), and my Doctor had sent a note to school with me saying that I had to use the restroom immediatley if needed. For some reason my Teacher decided to ignore this note, I guess he thought Math was more important than a Doctor...just FYI, staying in this particualr Math class didn't help me any, I still can't calculate 2 times 9 wihtout using a calculator, Thank You Public Schooling. Anyways, at one point during my lesson I was over come with the urge to tinkle, and like I said, my Teacher was ignoring the Doctors note and keeping me in my lesson. I started tapping my fingers on my desk. Then swining my legs back and forth ( In 5th grade, I was roughly about the size of a munchkin, so naturally, my feet did not touch the floor under my desk) In no time I was doing a full blown potty dance in my chair, and my Teacher still refused to let me be excused from the lesson. Eventually my poor little bladder could not handle the stress anymore, and, well I, Dear Lord I cant believe Im writing this...I peed my pants. Yup, I peed my pants, right there, at my desk, in my 5th grade classroom, in the middle of my Math lesson. I know you're thinking to yourself, Danm that is pretty embarassing, yea it was, but it gets a little worse.

When I was in 5th grade we didnt wear jeans. I grew up in a time where girls wore cute little skirts, or the dreaded stirup pant. Stirup pants are comparable to todays leggins, knit pants that had an elastic band around the bottom that starpped the pant to your heel, so they didnt ride up. On this particular day I was wearing a pair of black Stirup pants. Think about that.... do you understand what I am trying to say? Instead of wearing a jean pant, that would have absorbed the liquid, showing a disgusting wet spot, the knit pants let the pee flow right out, and onto the floor. Thinking back now, I wonder if my Teacher noticed this while he was teaching us long division, or if other students in the class noticed while taking notes, my stream of pee from my defeated bladder.

Now there was a nice little yellow puddle sitting right under desk that I somehow had to explain. Being in 5th grade, I was truley mortified, so I played dumb and said I had no idea what it was. Luckily my Teacher ignored this fact and had the janitor come and mop it up. As mad as I was at this Man for making me hold my bladder, I thank him today, that he did not push the issue, he could have made things a whole lot worse for me.

Other embarassing 5th grade moments include, but are not limited too: Playing Basketball on school picture day, only to fall and shatter my knee cap, Being called "Santa" by a lunch lady (My name is Shana, how the Hell did she get Santa?), Having my Mother drive my crush home from school (Can you say absolutley MORTIFYING), Having tomato soup spilled on me during lunch, THEN having your Mother kiss you in front of your peers as she drops new clothes off for you, Having a classmate names Harry Dicks and not understanding why that was so funny, Being in a club with my friends called "The Happy Horse Club", peircing my finger nails, yes you heard right, my friend and I used to wear ear rings peirced through our finger nails, Losing Recess for the whole class becasue I shuffled my feet and last, but not least, getting caught calling my two student teachers "Werid, lesbian, Aadmas family, goth chicks."

After 5th grade, you get lucky and move onto 6th grade! Note my sarcasm, please. 6th grade is a whole different world, it is a completley new school. You get a locker for the first time, you now have to deal with upperclassmen, you have new classmates, different classes, and multiple Teachers. That is a lot for an 11 year old to deal with, therefore, it goes without saying, that my awkwardness beat me even harder in Middle School. I think back at all the horrificley, embarassing things I did in Middle School and I almost die. Let me put it this way "I'm sorry I stopped talking to you in Middle School, all the other kids thought you were so werid, they said if I talked to you, they wouldnt talk to me anymore." Real life quote from my Best Friend about me in my Middle School years.

In my Middle School days i went through a phase, a Tom Boy phase. I was into sports, dressing like a guy, and burping. For some reason I thought this was cool. I remember in 6th grade, burping the ABC's for a group of guys at our Valentine's Day party. And for the life of me, I could not figure out why I didn't have a Boyfriend! Who wouldnt want a girl who could out burp you and wore your clothes????

Being the Tom Boy that I was, I used to always wear my hair in a very tight pony tail on the back of my head. This was partly becasue once in 4th grade I got lice, bit through my lip and had to get stiches, and was forever scarred. I learned from my Doctor if you wear your hair up, you have less chances of getting lice.

I had no bangs, and I left no hair hang on my face at all, it was just face and forehead, and let me tell you, there was a whole lotta forehead, in fact, people used to call me "Five Head".

I remember a very pretty, popular girl in my Homeroom named Caitlin. She had beautiful hair, that I envied. You know the kind of hair that you can wear in a pony tail, take it out, shake it and your hair still looks fucking amazing, yea, she had that kind of hair. At some point in 6th grade I thought my hair would do this...my hair, that after my shower, while still wet, I put into a very tight pony-tail...you see where I am going with this? I remember I used to wear my hair like that everyday, and at some point during the day I would take the pony tail out and run my hands through my hair, then finish the day with my hair down. Now, can you imagine what my hair looked like when I did this? If you think it looked like a hot mess, then you are correct!

Aunt Flow

I’m just going to kick this story off with a tween girl’s worse nightmare, her Aunt Flow. I think we all remember 4th or 5th grade, when the boys and the girls get separated and we get The Talk. I remember thinking “Ew, I’m going to bleed, THERE!?” Yea, that’s a girl’s first taste of the awkward-ness of your Aunt Flow.

I remember getting my very first visit from Aunt Flow. 7t grade, I was 13; it was 7th period chorus, my second to last class of the day. It was the last day before Thanksgiving break, and I remember counting down the minutes till a whole week of family, food, and most importantly no school! Let us state the obvious; I wore light khakis, yea of course. I am standing in chorus, singing my little heart out, which lets be clear, I am completely tone-deaf, when all of a sudden I feel this gush. Um, what was that? I immediately started to silently freak out, I had no idea what was going on. The class bell rang and I ran to the bathroom. There was blood in my panties, BLOOD. I had no idea what to do, or how to react. I did the only particle thing that I could think of, call my Mother.

I remember being completely hysterical on the phone with my Mother. Keep in mind that this was a time before cell phones, I know you’re thinking, what, a time without cell phones?! Yes, before the cell phone generation, Middle schoolers had to use land lines, that was connected to a wall, and NOT private. Needless to say, it is heard to be hysterical while trying to whisper so the rest of the class doesn’t hear about your bloody dilemma. I remember asking my Mother numerous times if I was going to die, and in return, hearing her laughing on the other line. Laughing! Really, I was so angry, why would she laugh! I was dying here, she must not understand that! My Mother advised me to go to the Nurses office and get a pad from her. Seriously, she wanted me to go and ask the school nurse for a pad! I was going to die of embarrassment today, really I was. I had never been so mortified in my life. Wait, I take that back…

In 8th grade I experienced the second mortifying Aunt Flow moment of my life. I was being graced with the presence of Mother Nature, and for some God Forbidden reason, wore khakis. I know, what the hell was wrong with me! All girls know that you should desperately, against all that is holy, stay away from anything white, khaki or anything that isn’t black, while you are bleeding like a mother fucker.