What Is It Like To Be So Sad?

Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock.. went the melodic stainless steel clock placed centre on the cool, grey, unwelcoming wall.

"What is it like to feel happy?" I whispered staring opposite me at the clock.

"I'm sorry...?" the psychiatrist asked with a concerned look in her friendly brown eyes.

"What is it like to feel happy? "

"I....I....I don't understand what you mean. It's ni-"

"Is it easier?" I interrupted looking down at her quickly. "Are you able to be alone with your thoughts without them overwhelming you to a point of being afraid of yourself?

Do you see the world through a positive view?

Is there hope in your life?

Do you feel purpose?"

"I don't really know how to explain it to you.." she whispered.

"I bet it's lovely." I continued, staring in her direction but not actually focusing, too wrapped up in my thoughts. "To be able to look at life as something good, something worth living, not just an endless torture. To be able to smile, a genuine smile, with genuine emotion, not just a fake smile used to cover up the emptiness within."

I laughed quietly to myself shaking my head slightly, "Who am I kidding? I don't deserve happiness, I never will."

My psychiatrist stayed quiet, studying me carefully from over her glasses. "I think you need to speak to someone more equipped...someone a bit more understanding."

I smirked at her and smiled, "Okay, I understand." Getting up to leave I turned to Dr.Lee and smiled timidly, "thank you for listening.."

"It's my pleasure, sorry I couldn't be of better help. Stay strong Jade."

I closed the door softly behind me as I entered the hell hole that is my world.