The Silver Lining!
I am sitting in front of this laptop. I don't feel inspired today. I am running low on ideas and lacking imagination. I want to create a master piece. Something new. Something unexplored. Virgin. I sit and stare at the screen, meanwhile ransacking all the small abyss and pits in my brain, trying to resurrect any long lost inspiration.
The ticking clock is the only sound in this otherwise dead room. I get up from my chair. It's useless to sit and wonder what to write. I most certainly needed motivation. A brainwave. It's better to go sit down in a bar and observe people. Observe and write. Just write about the ordinary in a way that it stands out. That's all. Writer of a bestselling novel, it's frustrating that I am so stuck. Writers block... well it seems more than just a block.
I grab my coat and head out to the nearby bar. I choose to walk. Gives me time to think and analyse my surroundings and chew on my own thoughts. Might as well grab a smoke! It's amazing what these little buds of nicotine can do! They call it poison! Nonsense!
Entering inside the small but spacious poorly lit bar, my eyes immediately flew to the occupant of the stool in the farthermost corner of the counter. He was facing in the opposite direction... but I knew it was him. The same contour of the shoulders, the hair little too long for men wavy and unkempt. The shirt tucked nicely into the linen trousers, and he had that same air about him, like he owns the room and everyone inside it. I sighed heavily, deciding whether to walk into him or to turn away taking the advantage of the fact that he hasn't seen me?! But the more important question was can I deal with seeing him again? Do I have the courage to face him? One part of me wanted to see him, like my life depended on it. One part of me wanted to run to the hills where he'd never find me. I was contemplating my dilemma when I realised that I was hogging the door. If I am so scared to see him, then maybe I should just walk away while I still can. So I turned away and hastily retreated to my apartment.
It was a bad idea to come down to the bar. Memories started flooding my brain. It was like debrideing a wound and making its edges fresh. Like a movie everything started playing in my head.
It was a Thursday when I first met him. I was running late for work. The newly recruited assistant writer, at a local newspaper agency. Not a very fancy job, but was pretty good for a first job! That degree in literature was not a waste after all! Most of my school friends are being hired as either waiters or typist!! See, that's the difference between me and them... they didn't had a plan. I was mentally smirking and jeering at them, when someone ran into me making the folder I was carrying fly open with all the papers inside it fluttering in the sky.
That was how we met.
He had collected all the papers and had apologised for being clumsy and distracted, meanwhile I was debating whether it was the anger or his defenceless mesmerizing looks that was getting my cheeks all red and hot! He was the definition of handsome. He looked like some 'Greek' god... tall, wide chest and slightly long wavy hair which kept hovering around his eyes and he had to swing his head each time to uncover his deep chocolate brown smouldering eyes. I could just melt in them and loose myself... spend an eternity swimming into the depth and warmth of his eyes... or is it heart?!
While I was absorbed in his presence, he had called out my name after reading it, on the folder and had asked me out on a coffee. I would be fool to deny the 'God of all that is pretty in this world' and so I gave him my number and he promised he'd call with a time and venue later. He had flashed me a 'I-know-I-am-having-an-effect-on-you' smile and walked away in the opposite direction, while I stood there for few minutes fixating on the mental image of him, and the way my name sounded liked music when he had said it...Some long lost note of Beethoven "Tia". I loved the way his tongue had caressed my name! Until, I remembered that I was late for work and made a run for it.
I had anxiously waited for his call all day. And then he called, and so it began... the starting of relationship that began with a promise but ended with twist and heartache.
He was my prized possession, my trophy, and like a child I loved showing him around. I loved the way my girlfriends were jealous of me...he was after all ruggedly handsome. I loved the fact that 'I' was 'His girl'. HIS. I was in love with him, or at least I thought I was. He began to grow on me. Day by day the attraction grew into want and need. I lost focus. 'Under the skin' would be an understatement, he was engraved even deeper. I was consumed by him, intoxicated by his being... Only thing that mattered to me was him. His time, his moods, his work, his dreams, his choices... It was all him for me. My world was orbiting around him. I was so drunk up upon him that I had ceased to exist, even for me. I was lost somewhere, buried and forgotten... all that remained of me was his shadow. I was not only addicted but I was possessed with him.
My passion for him soared and it was too late before I realised the emergence of a completely new emotion. HATE.
I do not know how to put in words my feelings. Love I can explain, it's easy to describe. But the hate is a little hard to understand. Slowly I had begun to realise that the feelings of complete submission to each other were not mutual. I realised that I knew almost nothing about him. At first I had assumed that he was shy, but with time it dawned on me that I just knew bare essentials about him, nothing personal. The feeling of devotion and complete surrender was lacking on the other end... I felt betrayed and cheated. Sometimes I was even unsure about how he really felt about me. And then there was this attitude! The more I tried to uncover him, probe him the more he pushed me away. I started doubting the existence of our relationship and even worse, I grew sceptical of his intentions. He became an abusive drug to me, I knew it's unhealthy, but I need it, I can't survive without it. My obsession was reaching its peaks, and I was just wondering how can I love him so much and despise him at the same time. I just needed to know about him, like he knew everything about me. I wanted him to resign himself to me like I had to him. I wanted to trust him.
He would get me gifts and would show his care, but everything seemed sham. Delusion. Feigned. Everything he said seemed like a pretend. Everything he did, an act! All I wanted, was to know him, his past, his mistakes, his achievements, his shame, his guilt, everything. Every freaking thought. I was losing my edge, my sanity. Paranoid. I lost my reasons. I could not demarcate between curiosity and spying, between love and obsession, between real and fake, between want and need, between desire and craving. I lost interest in everything else. I wanted to run away from him, and never be parted from him at the same time. I loved and hated him. I was divided and torn. I was disintegrating into many pieces, each with its own mind! I was a ticking bomb, waiting to explode.
And then it happened one day. The day I regret. The day when the lid to all the pressure building up inside of me finally gave way and exploded, destroying everything we had built in these 2 years. The day when I was fired from my job! They said that I had lost competence and proficiency. It was a blow in my face, a wakeup call. That carrier oriented, dreams driven Tia, the Miss I-have-a-plan, was long lost. She was long dead and desiccating. The dream of becoming a novelist was rusting in the closet. I had become into this petty little girl whose life had lost all meanings, and was drained out of all purposes. My words action and thoughts all had lost gravity. My brain was poisoned and corrupted.
And it was all because of him. 'HIM'. 'All him'. The part of me that was pregnant with hatred for him rejoiced as the anger and contempt for him washed all over me, draining away all the logic and reasons and sanity, the little bit of which was still left.
"TIA.... hey, wait up! TIA" his voice from far away had unlinked my memory chain.
I stopped dead. It was him. Why did I have to come down to the bar? Dammit!
I turned when he called out my name again. With a faint smile mixed with anxiety dancing around my lips, I looked up into those brown orbs, my knees weakening yet again!
"Hey" I said trying to sound surprised.
"I thought I saw you at the bar, and it's really you!!" he said with note of excitement! "How have you been?"
"Well, I've been better!" I retorted.
Awkward silences. I looked on the ground as my foot drew patterns on the road.
It seemed like ages when he finally spoke, "Umm, I just wanted to see you once. And..." he paused for a second, like trying to choose the right words, "umm, I am glad you are fine now. You look lovely and uh... healthy!"
I stood there speechless, figure of stone.
He took the hint, "So, I'll see you around sometime?!" I shook my head, unwilling to speak and he took my leave.
Just then something urged me to stop him and I called out his name, stopping him in his tracks.
With palpitations and sweating, I stuttered "I wanted to apologise for.....please let me say this" I requested when I realised by gesture of his hand that 'the apology conversation' was not necessary.
I continued, "You are a good man Ryan, and I wish I could undo what happened that day, but the truth is I can't! And it kills me every day to think what I did.... and you've been so kind..." tears came out making my vision foggy, and my breath was hitching.
"Tia, it is ok...let it be... I understand" HOW CAN HE UNDERSTAND?!
"No, Ryan... it's not! I freaking tried to pull a trigger at you..." the words were muffled and came out with a sob. The horror and disgust shook my very core.
He grabbed me at my shoulders and shook my gently, "Tia, it's in the past... you were sick... you just needed help" he gently stroked my hair. His touch could still bring a shiver down my spine.
"Ryan?" I asked quizzing in the softest voice.
"How can you forgive me? You said you understand....but how?" my innocent question made his forehead crinkle and he pouted for a few seconds, probably wondering what to say!
He sighed heavily and pushed a lock of his hair dangling around his eyes back, while I anticipated his answer, "I didn't at first Tia, but I do now! That day everything was insane. You were in a fit a fury. I had never seen you like that before, and then you were blabbering about me destroying your life and all... it just didn't add up" he paused checking for my responses, or maybe checking if I'd go homicidal on him again! I don't blame him.
"Overpowering you that day was difficult, and then you passed out. I took you that hospital when they referred you the psychiatric asylum. I didn't want to leave you there, trust me, I didn't... but I so scared of you. Really scared. I am sorry for saying this Tia, but I was. I informed your family about your admission and left...."
He paused...whoa, is he guilty for leaving me there!!!! Wow!!
"And then... I am sorry Tia.." his voice breaking in between, "I didn't bother to find out how you were doing there at the hospital... but you must know, I am not proud of it. And then few months back I read this book 'Confessions Of Obsessions' by this new writer, what's his name, something 'Eduardo King' or 'Edward King' something.... and... Umm, how do I say this... I was able to relate you to it. I was able to understand. I was able to get myself little closer to a 'Closure' after reading it!"
Hesitatingly he asked. "I hope I am not simply blabbering... do I make sense?"
"Yes you do Ryan... yes you do!"
Exhausted from today's events, I came back home. But a huge weight was lifted off me. I felt light and exhilarated. Free. Inspired. I had gone in search of an inspiration and I have found one. I smiled at the memory of mention of 'Confessions of Obsessions'. Hmm, based on my life! I sat in front of the computer and switched it on. The machine churned back to life. I knew my next story.
I punched in the following words, the title of my next book,
'The Sliver Linings' by 'Eduardo J King'.