It wasn't until I was walking up the cracked pavement of his road that this sinking feeling hit me.
In retrospect it probably wasnt the smartest idea to go to a concert with anex-boyfriend, only two days after you had broke up.
The concert was something we had planned months in advanced and I still loved liked him too much to make him go alone.

I knocked at the door, feeling my heart beat violently in my chest. He opened the door and smiled at me, messy haired.

"I have to take a shower, i'll be really quick." He said.

"ok"

I smiled as naturally as I could and sat down on the stairs beside the bathroom.
I could hear the water running.
He had broke up with me(through a text I might add).
He never gave me a proper reason. I wanted to prove I could go this concert with him and be strong.
If I had to fake that all the way to Glasgow and back, I would.

He came out of the shower in a rush, frantically looking for socks and brushing his untidy mop of hair into a slightly less tangled, untidy mop of hair.

"You look really nice." he said before looking me over with his approving light brown eyes.
"Thanks." I said , keeping it short and simple.

Friends gave friends compliments, right?

"Ready to go?" he asked.
I nodded happily.

We got a bus into town and then the coach bus from town to the concert.
We sat at the front of the bus, travel sickness and anxiety did not mix well.
It made me wish we were still together so that he could put his arm around me to calm me down. His hugs always used to calm me.
We struggled akwardly trying to keep conversation. I'd always noticed an electricity between us.
We seemed attracted each other like magnets. Even before we had started dating, when we were just friends - I'd felt that.

I cautiously pulled out my mp3 player, I didnt want to be rude and put in both of my earphones.
"You wanna listen?" I asked.
He smiled and took the other earphone.
"You probably wont like any of the songs."
"That's ok." He said.

He normally protested that my taste in music was all wrong. I would sigh and angrily argue that "my taste was MY taste." and that if he didnt like it -that was just too bad.
Infact, the band we were going to see were one of his favourites. He was obsessed, almost madly obsessed with them. He reminded me of a 5 year old just discovering Pokemon.

I flicked through the songs. A part of me enjoyed the silence, I liked to be alone with my thoughts - sometimes.
I changed the song again and instantly regretted it.

"Iris" by the goo goo dolls. A song that had once been one of "our songs". I looked at him awkwardly.

"Do you want me to change it?" I asked.

"no," he said "this is fine."

The song seemed to stretch on for miles. It left me feeling cold and strange. I promised myself.. no tears! no emotion.

When the bus stopped off for 20 minutes we jumped off to grab some fizzy drinks from the local shop. He patted me lightly on the back, it was comforting. It was only a few seconds but Iseemed like I hadn't felt his touch in the longest of times. He didnt feel anything for me anymore though. He was just trying to be friendly so I didn't question it.

When we finally got into Hampden Stadium we had just over four hours to wait before the support acts even came on. I groaned. I hadn't ate anything - I always worried about throwing up on buses so I tended not to take the chance.
I was sleepy and it felt sureal that I was here with him. He handed me a small scotland flag on a pole.

"You can wave this." He smiled, clearly believing I would be delighted to do such a thing.

At various times while we waited he slumped his arm over my shoulder, just like he had used to do. I slowly jotted my shoulder out from under him. He put his arm around me again.
I gave him a dark look.
"What?" he said

I kept my dark stare on him until he moved his arm.

When we were talking he leaned into me like he was going to kiss me, I leaned away.
"What was he playing at?" I thought.

After a couple of hours we took our standing positions in the stadium. I found out then that I hated standing - especially on an empty stomach.

When the support act began playing we were litterally encased in people, I began to get anxious, from time to time I got claustrophobic.
Alot of people were drunk before the main act had even been on. This suprised me at the time. Drunken people spilled beer all over us, banged into us and smoked drugs beside us.
I should have seen it coming really, this was a gig - thats what happened here. I would have killed for a plastic seat in the stands at that moment.
I felt scared, unsafe. My ex-boyfriend looked for a beer seller in the crowd. I walked after him absentmindedly, grabbing onto his hand for fear of getting lost.

I suddenly felt a lack of air in my lungs and a sick feeling in my stomach. I was having a panic attack.
"Can we move, please?" I asked.

He seemed to contemplate it for a moment before weaving me through the crowd to the stairs at the top of the stadium, I struggled to breathe, fighting every inch of me to stop myself being sick. I was so angry at myself for being vulnerable and scared here.
I didn't want to move, I felt as if my legs were shaking so much they might collapse. I took a few sips of water. The crowd in the standing area became more closed in. I saw his face fall. I knew he had wanted to be close to the front and there was no chance for that now.
"Sorry." I said
He tried to fake a smile but I could see he was disapointed.
I took another sip of water.
"You want to go down now?" I asked
"You feel better?" he asked.
"Sure." I lied.

"I only had to survive an hour" I told myself. "calm down, you're safe." I kept repeating.

He took my hand and we weaved on the outskirts of the crowd, moving every now and then before finding a spot. I couldn't see much but as long as he could, I didnt mind.
As the intro of each song played he told me exactly what song it was - I was a little clueless to be honest.

I really just watched him in awe - his face reactions - he seemed so in his element here. I watched the lights reflect off his face and realised how much I still loved him.
He sang along and I nodded my head appreciativly to the beat.

When the concert was over I really had enjoyed myself. A few songs in and I was finally calm. The songs I knew the words too I sang my heart out to.
He draped his arm around me, but this time I didn't protest.
"Im so happy. They played all the songs I'd hoped they would." he said.
"Im glad. I had a really good time." I said.
"Im glad you came." he replied.

When we got back on the bus I was so tired I probably looked near death. I kindly traded him seats so it would be fair - he liked the window seat too.
I watched the clock at the top of the bus and felt my eyes closing, I reached for my mp3 player.

"I'm going to sleep,ok." I said.
I was more telling him, than asking him.

"no, please," he said, his eyes suddently in a frenzy, pleading "stay awake with me."

I was confused. He didnt want anything from me, why did he want me to stay awake?
It was quiet then.
He leaned his soft face close to me, the electricity intensified. His lips were inches from mine and his hot breath on me was oh-so-tempting.
It felt like I sat there deliberating for hours. A part of me wanted to turn my face to ignore him he had dumped me! But ,in the end, his mouth was too warm and inviting to ignore.
I was weak and he was my weakness. The pleasure of his lips touching mine again, tingled all down my body. We continued kissing for who knows how long.
I'm sure we were giving the other people on the bus a show but I didn't care. I felt like I was in a dream- a lovely dream. I was filled with a stupid hope that we would maybe get back together.

He pulled me into his chest, it was warm and safe and wonderful. I could feel his chest rising and falling." He must still have feelings for me." I thought as I fell asleep.
"What about when we get back home?" I asked half asleep.
"I don't care about anything TILL we get back home." He said and kissed my head lovingly.
I fell back asleep.


The bus stopped and we both woke up. He was abnormally quiet when we ordered the taxi home.
In the taxi he sat away from me, body sulking.
He didnt speak to me in the taxi. He was so cold now, like he had been when we first broke up. When the taxi stopped outside my house, I paid the driver.
I said goodbye to him but he didnt even flinch.


I had been such a fool.