The Inquisitor
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Short Story by: Oleg Roschin
“Hey, Mister! Watch out!”
I’m sitting on a small wooden pier, staring morosely at some puppy navigating a motorboat through the calm waters of a secluded lake. I snarl, displaying a set of decaying teeth. My rough tongue is slowly undulating, yellow saliva dribbling down onto the wooden plank. The boat makes a sharp U-turn, splashing clear water all over my face.
I rise slowly. My decrepit bones screech in protest. I sniff a few times, enjoying the fresh air. Then I head back to the portable teleportation chamber.
I get in and say:
“Theosophical Society.”
“Command acknowledged.” The metallic voice reverberates courteously. I start humming the second movement from Hundenberg’s Seventh Symphony in c sharp minor, Adagio doloroso, as the chamber causes my body to disintegrate into molecules and almost instantaneously assembles them again.
I’m standing in front of the Prime Minister of United Cynia.
He frowns in disbelief. That expression looks funny on a Miniature Poodle.
“My friend!” he exclaims with his habitual feigned cordiality. “My dearly… esteemed… comrade. It’s been too long, eh? What, it seems like that visit to the Golden Bitch was just a year ago… Do you remember how we drank the most exquisite semi-dry twelve-year-old Chiendonnay, and then couldn’t properly count the nipples on that delightful little wench?”
“I remember”, I say, stretching my thin lips into something resembling a smile. “I remember everything too well.”
Then I draw out my laser blaster and point it at the Prime Minister.
He stares at me, his childlike brown eyes watering, his soft, cuddly curls of white fur converging into cute little halos on his forehead.
“Adolfo…” he utters and swallows hard, his throat making a cackling sound. In my head, Hundenberg’s Seventh Symphony has proceeded to the ominous finale, Allegro feroce.
The blaster quivers slightly in my paw, but the aim is steady.
“Do you remember everything?” I ask quietly.
He doesn’t reply.
“Do you?!” I scream at him, my snout distorted in a painful grimace. Images begin to gush forcefully into my brain, and the whole world starts swirling in my head, spinning and whirling until it disappears in the dark hole of my memories…
***
The prisoner was brought in front of the Inquisitor, draped in shabby, coarse gray rags. The dim candlelight cast foreboding shadows on the somber walls of the interrogation chamber.
“What are the charges, acolyte?” asked the Inquisitor, frowning and crumpling pieces of an old parchment in his paws.
“A most vile heresy concerning the nature of our salvation by our Lord Ben Kelev, o exalted and luminous shepherd of believers,” replied his assistant and bowed obsequiously. “Undoubtedly, it shall lead every soul professing it to the deepest circle of hell, the vicinity of the accursed Perrez.”
“Leave us alone,” ordered the Inquisitor, averting his gaze.
The assistant obeyed, swiftly closing the massive metallic door behind him.
Once he was gone, the stern expression on the Inquisitor’s face changed. There was a mournful plea in his eyes when he spoke again:
“Caoline… Why?”
The prisoner raised her head for the first time. Even the brutal beatings she had endured could not erase the proud contours of her noble Husky face.
“You know why,” she spoke softly.
The Inquisitor rose.
“What folly has possessed you, Caoline?” he asked, shaking his head in disbelief. “What evil spirit, akin to the one torturing the infamous Perrez in all eternity, has bent your pure mind towards heresy?”
“Heresy?” she arched an eyebrow. “Pray tell me which of my most pious thoughts is considered heresy by you and your obedient servants!”
“You deny salvation through the Holy United Church of Cynia, Caoline!” exclaimed the Inquisitor, clenching his paws into fists. “Does that require more elaboration?”
“Do you truly believe that we are saved through the church?” asked the prisoner, tilting her head. “If so, then yours is a much greater heresy – nay, a rejection of our Lord Ben Kelev!”
“Be still, blasphemous girl!” bellowed the Inquisitor.
“I shall not, even if the damned Perrez and his armies of demons try to force me!” retorted Caoline passionately. “By the grace of our Lord Ben Kelev, we are forgiven and restored in the eyes of the loving Gods. Our church is naught but a community of believers gathering to take part in the new life offered by Him. But it has fallen into the paws of an insane son of a bitch who presumes that he has the right to condemn and absolve. You have usurped the divine power of Ben Kelev!”
“Silence!” bawled the Inquisitor. “You shall go to hell for speaking these words!”
Caoline slapped him hard on his snout.
“Who are you to decide who goes to hell?” she spoke with contemptuous indignation.
“I am Perrez!” cried out the Inquisitor.
Heavy silence filled the room.
“What?” uttered the prisoner with trembling lips.
“I am Perrez,” repeated the Inquisitor very quietly. “The accursed Adolfo Alfonso Perrez. The murderer of our Lord Ben Kelev.”
“But… that cannot be,” said Caoline. “He died hundreds of years ago.”
“A time traveler from the future has brought me here,” spoke the Inquisitor in a monotonous voice. “A free-spirited, liberal connoisseur of wine and occult sciences. He wanted history’s biggest villain to destroy the church of Ben Kelev from within. I agreed.”
“Why?” she asked, shivering.
“Because once I’ve rejected Him,” murmured the Inquisitor, moving very closely to her, “I want to reject Him over and over again.”
“What are you going to do?” she whispered.
“I’m going to burn the only bitch I’ve ever loved.”
***
I emerge from the everlasting torture chamber of my memories. I pull the trigger. An accurate red dot appears on the Prime Minister’s forehead.
I keep silently singing the symphony. Then I stick the blaster into my mouth and squeeze the trigger again.
I float towards a bright sky with fluffy clouds. A smiling face looks down at me. I manage to say:
“Caoline?”
But then it gets dark.
THE END
© Copyright 2018 Oleg Roschin. All rights reserved.
Comments
What a great sense of the absurd you have here in this story, Oleg. I feel there ought to be a new genre named to accomodate this type of tale. Hey I love the names as well. You got me going with Hundenburg, so much so that I started to look him up before realising that it is just like the other names, plays on words with doggyness. Great work. Highly enjoyable.
Regards
Chris
Author
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Thank you so much for your kind and insightful comment, Chris! This particular story contains "Chris Green-style" passages, doesn't it? ;-)
I am a huge lover of anthropomorphic tales. This one is a top-notch example, Oleg. Changing the names of famous people/places to canine version is a master stroke. I loved the tail. It was something I could sink my teeth in to.
~Tom
Author
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Hahaha!.. Thank you for your kind and witty comment, Tom! I hope you could check out the predecessor of this story, "Of Dogs and Men", for much more background information and many more canine puns! :-)
Great story. I like the characters as canines, but I like to believe dogs would behave a bit better towards each other than people often do. Chiendonnay -- that's a fantastic play on words.
Author
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Haha, thank you so much :) I use the dog scenario as a metaphor for human behavior. The key to that is a phrase uttered by Adolfo Alfonso Perrez in my other dog story, "Of Dogs and Men" - "We are sons of bitches! How proudly doth that sound!.."
Clever and enjoyable read. I really liked that although the characters are canines and many of the words are plays on words the story keeps its seriousness. Great work as always!
Author
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Thank you very much for your kind comment, Jack! Indeed, the hardest part here was to deliver the very serious message while I was fighting my urges to insert as many canine puns as I could :-)
My other dog story, "Of Dogs and Men", has even more of that...
This is great! Definitely different and I love dogs! I like the play on words you've got going on here :)
Author
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Thank you! Glad you liked it :) Check out my story "Of Dogs and Men" for more of those :-)
This is a thoroughly entertaining tale, Oleg - or should that be 'tail'? The switch from present tense to past tense and back again is effective in this story. ~ Joe
Author
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Thank you very much, Joe! I always appreciate your kind and supportive feedback. This was written for a 1000 words contest here on Booksie; it was pretty hard to fit the present-past-present again structure into that amount...
I loved every bit of your story - it felt as though I was part of the plot, as an observer. It can really make an awesome animated film!!! ;-)
Author
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Thank you very much for your kind comment, Teddy! Hope you can check out the previous part of the story, "Of Dogs and Men". The film in question is supposed to be larger :-)
Cette histoire a du chien, indéniablement ! Fascinating story, and funny at that! It's interesting to notice that, inside a dialog interpreted by dogs, the expression 'son of a bitch' becomes the most casual thing to say.
Author
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Merci beaucoup pour vôtres mots gentils, Mr. Le Croix! ;-) (Pardon my French! It's been a while...)
Glad you've noticed the "sons of bitches". That is actually the self-designation of the sentient dogs of the planet Cynia.
For more information, as well as the account of Ben Kelev's death, please check out my story "Of Dogs and Men"!
I'm impressed. The plot was interesting and original, but I never expected that ending. I like your work and the way you think. Keep up the awesome work! ^-^
Author
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Thank you so much for your kind comment, Victoria! By "ending" you mean the twist revealing the Inquisitor's true identity, or him shooting the Prime Minister?
I love your ability to take such a humorous and seemingly preposterous scenario and still give it the feel of a serious piece of literature. Aside from that, very well written and incredibly entertaining. The originality of it is something I have not before experienced as a reader. The wordplay throughout is fantastic and the piece flows perfectly. I really enjoyed this story, Oleg. Well done!
Author
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Thank you so much for your kind comment, Ronin! I'm very flattered, your feedback means a lot to me. I tend to write about very serious topics but I do like silly and strange humor, hence the tale of a Miniature Poodle theosopher traveling to the past in order to turn the murderer of a canine Jesus into a medieval quasi-Catholic leader...
woh ... interesting twists and turns. everytime I thought I had my feet under me you jilted the ground again :)
Nicely done. Don't even give us the "canine" aspect right off, it kinda sneaks up on us. I like the interchange between the characters, it has a natural feel to it.
Good write!
Author
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Thank you for your comment! Always appreciate your kind feedback, MB :-)
Okay, at first it was a little confusing but the end just puts everything together. I mean, the characters and all. But the end makes it make sense, and I've noticed that a second read provides even more depth. Wow. I bet if I kept reading it, I would get even more from it. Interesting how you used DOGS of all things. Whatever you were eating to get that kind of inspiration, I might want a little bit of it. Intriguing...
Seeya around! ~DJ
Author
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Hahaha, thank you for your feedback! It must be the tea, because that's the most addictive of all substances I consume :-)
This story is actually a sequel to "Of Dogs and Men", where I describe the foundation of the race of sentient dogs on the planet Cynia, as well as the advent of Ben Kelev, their "Jesus". The idea came to me after reading the German philosopher Novalis (who even appears in that story!), who describe the human being as the "Messiah of the nature". Later I found in one of C.S.Lewis's books the idea that we should be to dogs what God is to us - i.e., once we become perfect, we'll "save" animals just as God saves us.
This story is a bit hard to understand without having read "Of Dogs and Men". I guess that's not such a good thing...
Definitely a unique story. I love the way you write, it's very descriptive. I must say it kept me captivated throughout. The play on words were funny, though...don't hate me for saying this... the seriousness had me so enraptured that I wished it was a story about people and that it didn't end. Glad to be introduced to your work.
-Dots
Author
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Thank you very much for your kind comment, Dots! Particularly happy to hear that you think my writing is descriptive, because I always struggle with descriptions...
All my short stories are interconnected, so in a way none of them ends... This one is actually the second part of the "dog arch" of my universe, the first being of "Dogs and Men". So if you want to know more about how the planet of dogs was founded and what exactly happened between Perrez and Ben Kelev, check out that story! :-)
The Inquistor
"Do you truly believe that we are saved through the church?"
A very clever story with a powerful message
I like how you are making a statement about organized religion and the lengths zealots will go to push their views on others.
I cannot help but think of Lewis Carroll and Jonathan Swift when reading this story. They too made statements about the government, but had to mask it with fantasy creatures and humor.
You put a lot of thought into these sagas and shows. I hope one day, you put them all in one volume.
Once again, well done!
Cheers.
Author
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Thank you for your kind comment, Ethan! Always appreciate your feedback.
As a Christian, I need to be particularly clear about the great distinction between our faith and our organization. While I believe that Christianity is true and fully support the idea of a united church acknowledging that, history has shown us too many times how horrible it is when such church becomes the instrument of worldly power. Also, I strongly oppose the view that any church can save people on its own. I'm entirely on Caoline's side on this topic.
I realize this story can be seen by some people as offensive to Roman Catholics. However, as a non-denominational Christian, I consider it a warming to us all.
Very nice ending! This story had me curious the whole time. Definitely love this and would recommend!
Author
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Thank you very much! Appreciate your feedback :-)
You left me speechless. Amazing! The message you try to send out is true. The church, and I'm not trying to be blasphemous here, said and maybe still says things like which group of people should go to heavy and whatnot. And sometimes I think that they're the one not deserving it because they're like hypocrites. Is there really an etiquette as to how we can work our way to heavy?
Author
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Thank you very much for your kind comment!
Christianity teaches us that the way to heaven is a free choice made by a human being if (s)he decides to be together with God. Hell is the opposite choice - when a human being rejects God and prefers to spend time with himself in eternity. The choice between heaven or hell is, therefore, a very private affair, a drama that takes place entirely between God and each and every one of us separately.
As a Christian, I try to follow Jesus Christ's instruction to us when He told us not to judge others (Matthew 7:1). He tells us that simply professing faith in Him is not enough - "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven" (Matthew 7:21). He clearly teaches us that we can go to heaven even if we do not consciously follow Him (in the parable of sheep and goats, Matthew 25:31 onward), or go to hell if we are evil to anyone.
The point of this story is that when any Christian church assumes the right to offer people salvation though itself, it betrays the purpose of salvation as an act of cooperation between God and human being, dependent only on God's will and the will of each human being individually. No Christian should have the right to tell anyone that they will go to hell. It is contrary to the Biblical message and the teaching of Christianity.
In this story, I make a provocative claim that the head of such a church is (metaphorically, but in this story literally!) the killer of Christ.
I was sure that I had commented on this story when I read it the other day! You are an amazingly talented individual! There is deep thought, clearly defined understanding, & immeasurable wit & humor included in each of your stories... I am left pondering about internal questions regarding the best way to respond, & lingering contemplation regarding what I've been treated to after one of your story reads! I like that's... Those are signs of a great author if you ask me, so I thank you for taking time to read & comment on my works as well, since you also bring creativity to your reviews, & help others feel more validated when you review their works!
Author
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You are too kind, Spyguy... Very grateful for your support and feedback. I think we all need to feel validated as writers, so reviewing each other's work is very important.
Hi Oleg
I have to say that left me wanting more, a good thing indeed. I like the way it's told by a race of dogs. Who are we to say we're the only intelligent beings? It's both humorous and interesting. An excellent read.
Megan
Author
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Thank you very much for your kind comment, Megan! I wrote this story for a 1000 words contest, so it ended up being too concise... Also, the background for this story is my short story "Of Dogs and Men". These dogs are not "our" dogs, but sentient species on another planet serving as a metaphor for some if humanity's darkest sides...
Really nice plot with smooth flow but at times i had to read things again, may be because I m not native.
Nice work..
:)
Author
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Thank you very much! :-)
This is fantastically odd, and so very original. I've gotta be honest, I've never much been into talking animals (other than Homeward Bound when I was a kid), but you pulled it off with such genius, comedy and drama alike, that it was hard not to be enchanted. I liked how, despite their yellow saliva and paws, they displayed very human characteristics, such as regret and power-greed and sorrow, and their archaic-ish dialogue.
I also have to commend you on how deep and well-thought out this is for a short story, and only 1000 words?? It'd take me ten-thousand to even get close to the depth you achieved, what with the lore and the history included.
And, despite the puns and the talking dogs, it even had quite a serious undertone - religions punishing those that don't believe what they believe (or evil infecting from within). My only criticism is that the interrogation scene was perhaps a little unclear, though I'm not sure why, maybe there were a little too many ideas introduced in a little time frame or perhaps I'm a little thick, but I just needed to read it a few times to understand it. I get that he killed Kelev to break the church, but why is he killing the woman he loves, why is she a necessary piece of the puzzle in the destroying of the church? Also, while on the subject, the paragraph about 'once I reject him', is that to refer to the loyalty of a dog, or the plague of evil?
Anyway, other than that this was a really great read. Maybe you could work a little on your description, though it wasn't noticeable while reading (I only noticed as a critique) and didn't detract from the enjoyment, perhaps things more inventive than 'decrepit bones' and 'rough tongue' etc.
Still, very imaginative, and I wish I could combine such seemingly unrelated themes as 'time travel' and 'talking dog's as well as you. Nice job ;)
Author
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Thank you so much for your kind and detailed comment! I really appreciate it!
It's really more about fake religious people (Perrez) punishing real religious people (Caoline).
The thing is that Perrez killed Ben Kelev (the "Jesus" of the dogs), but then was found by the time-traveling Prime Minister from the future and brought to the "Middle Ages" to destroy the church of Ben Kelev ("Christianity"). So, he became the head of the church to destroy it from within! Caoline rejected him and his plans for poisoning the church with his fake religiosity, so he had to kill her. The rejection he talks about refers to Ben Kelev. Deep down, he knows that he's been lying his whole life and that Ben Kelev is truly the Messiah. So he kills the Prime Minister and then kills himself.
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