Knives Are In Heaven and Hell

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
What I think that heaven or hell would be for me.

Submitted: May 01, 2016

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Submitted: May 01, 2016

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If I died today

If I died before I woke up

When I get to the afterlife it would be bittersweet

My impact on this tiny world is nothing

I've impacted no lives

I take that back

I impacted her and her and him negatively

Slit wrist were because of my failures

Thoughts of suicide were because of my actions based on your actions which cause those thoughts in me

I caused pain to others either on purpose or on accident because I was in pain

The pain in my heart cause pain in others

Taking the knives out of my back and instead of cleaning my blood off and destroying them

I sharpened them until they could slice the atoms in the air

Those knives used just to make you and others to feel how I felt

I may have said I didn't want those knives on your wrist but I couldn't find the words to say that you were taking my heart and soul

With those comes pure pain that I should have gotten over years ago

Pain from my mother giving me up before I knew what was on the other side of the window pane

Pain from some past relationship that you tried to help me with

Pain of rejection throughout my adolescent years

Rejection from girlfriends, family,  friends,  myself

Never feeling like the world knew what my pain was like but I've repeated learned that lesson

That lesson has fallen on my taken off ears

That was my choice

Now,  I know that nothing is worse than when I shove my pain on anyone on top of theirs

Pain on top of the pain they can't hold themselves

I'm sorry to all the ones who I put this pain on without taking it off

But in the after life none of this matters

Because when I get assigned to hell because of my actions against a god I say fuck you to on a day to day basis

I'll get all the once of pain that I ever shoved on someone poured on me in the form of eternal knifes

If I could take it all back and go to heaven my heaven I'll tell you what I see

I'll see all the times that I saved anyone from those knifes they put on their wrist

I'll see the tears that I kept from coming from those beautiful eyes

I'll see that all the pain others put on me and all my cuts and thoughts of suicide were worth it to keep others happy

Most people want to be happy

No.  

I want you to be happy.  Not just the person I'm thinking but every single person in this world

All the hate filed racist, bigots, homophobes, woman beater

I know that if I could say the right words or have some magic powers I would take all that hate,  pain,  awful thoughts from every awful person I would

I would take it all from all 7 billion of you and take it all

Nothing would make me happier than to sacrifice myself secretly for everyone's happiness and safety

The tears I would cry the thoughts of self hatred would be my heaven as much as it would hurt

Heaven for me isn't gold roads and angels and beauty

It's self sacrifice and giving myself for the sake of this broken down world


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