Auska

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Auska, a young girl ( twenty-two years old ) questions through her depression and anxiety what she relay thinks about her family, friends, society, sex and life.

Submitted: May 05, 2016

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Submitted: May 05, 2016

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Part 1
 
The LED screen read 10:00 23rd April 2016 
 
An alarm rings in central block room 306 every single morning at 10am, a distinct vibration raps at the wooden dresser with an agitated and furious rhythm 'bmmmm' 'bmmmm' 'bmmmm'. And just as the alarm on the phone routinely imposes its pre-destined part in the cosmos a hand too reaches out from a nearby bed to slide the courser on the screen to 'off' and auska lays in the bed half awake, trailing the remnants of some dream, already forgetting. 
 
On a spring day usually April 23rd for the past two years she'd wake up half an hour later from the other alarm set to repeat every day, of every week, of every month again for the last two years half an hour after the first. She would push herself from the bed where across the room she'd see the vacant messy bed of her younger sibling, feel how she would subconsciously deem appropriate to the given repetitious situation and proceed to the bathroom and begin battling her own psyche for one god damn day, just one where she wouldn't feel so guilty for being a burden, for being so useless, for not doing anything.
 
What the fuck is wrong with me she would ring through her head starring at the kettle and the white coffee stained mug, the first of a poorly meticulous routine of one cup every morning to flood her synapses with caffeine just to induce some sense of activity while she ate her cereal sitting at the table starring out of the living room window at the quiet 10:58am traffic of people walking dogs, running late for work, kids ditching school or old people dragging their routine lives through her dulled awareness every single morning.
 
'Twenty two years old and i don't have i job, i don't want one but fuck, i need one' she said to her self. 'I'm just a fucking child, i cant look after my self'. 
 
I'm depressed, I'm depressed and i know it, I'm depressed I'm depressed and i know it, I'm depressed, I'm depressed and i know it, I'm depressed, I'm depressed and i know it I'm depressed, I'm depressed and i know it... all of a sudden everything felt zoomed out, distant, metallic and with a spiralling unreal quality to it. She felt more distinctly mechanic and physically within her self, sounds seemed to harbour less weight and it felt as if they had to travel through more distance in space and time to reach her... who ever 'she' was. 
 
Auska shook her head, her palms were sweating and the room seemed to blur as if someone had run their hand over a wet painting and then everything reassembled again, in a panic and sharp breath she made her way to the couch and lay with her fore arm over her head with the part closest to her elbow pressing over her eyes to block out the distracting displaced light of day. 
 
Legs bent and her other had on her stomach she began to breath as easy and deep as she could maintain. The dizziness will wear off she told her self, it happens all the time, and suddenly with the same repetitious momentum that the self hatred and blame had a moment later plagued her, a relativity sincere part of her self began telling her its OK, just relax, everything will be fine, you have been through this before, its harmless, you will be ok... but the quality of it seems slightly more and more insincere, as if it just wanted to work though this distraction to get back on track to something more important. 
 
Blame, again, it was always blame, she just wanted to blame herself through out the day to stoically bring some amount of harm that could at least bring her to the same suffering as her friends and family who go out and work all day just to keep them selves and her afloat, or at least blame so that they would leave her alone, see that she has problems and is also suffering and wont project their expectations and frustrations at her for all the lazy, useless and encumbering things she stands for in their lives.
 
Her thoughts began wandering propelled by the waves of relief from the receding panic just a moment ago, i cant say I'm depressed she thought,  people have it worse than i do, how self righteous would it be to proclaim that i can be depressed, i hate it when i use all these words, I'm just pretentious, i don't understand how it turned out like this, its because i spend and spent so much time dreaming that i wanted to be 'something' or god forbid that i was or am, i cant make up my mind, 'was or am' ? which has more weight ?, what am i thinking, what am i thinking about ?. And all too suddenly she'd loose all track of her thoughts... the relief was gone and just in the same way that a post orgasmic numbness would ensue she'd lay on the couch looking at the celling not thinking, not feeling and ultimately stuck in a juxtaposition between the lines of existence and non existence, it would seem so claustrophobic if it weren't so numb. 
 
The TV header read April 24th 2016 14:10 
 
After an hour and a half of laying on the same couch looking at the same celling the next day auska finally got up and made her way to the kitchen with the now cold 1/3 cup of coffee. Sam will be back soon she thought, and as she did the thought bore its weight on her frustration, there was some peace to the house, some solitude and conformation that she could be who she was no matter how painfully horrid that was when she was alone, it was better than having to shut off entirely just to lay on the bed with her headphones on pretending to look for a job while mindlessly browsing online just to shut off all interaction with her family. 
 
Auska made her way to the bed where she pulled a book from the floor next to her and began reading. 'I may as well get something done today and have some conformation that it wasn't all wasted' She thought to her self. The hour hand on the clock drew closer to 2:00, her phone screen read 14:56, She heard a key enter the lock in the front door. Putting her book mark back in and setting the book on the floor she lifted her laptop from the computer chair next to her bed, plugged the charging cable in and put her headphones on. By this time sam had entered the room and sat on his bed.
 
"hi" he said to her
Auska glanced at him and pretending to be engrossed in typing something seemingly important she said hi back. 
 
"did you see guardians of the galaxy yet" sam asked 
This time not looking at him " no, i haven't got round to it yet" while typing 'Faith no more - the real thing full album' into the YouTube search bar.
"it's really good, there's a scene that i think you'd really like, but i wont spoil it, you'd just really like it. And the musics really good too."
Auska just hummed an confirming "mm"  without looking at him, and with a pause while skipping to minuet 8:19 to start the album with the song Falling to pieces, she said "ill get round to it at some point, just not now".
 
And with the cold company of his older sister, sam decided to take his Playstation vita into the living room to watch his shows in there. Thank god auska thought to her self reliving her self of the tension she imposed on her self while around family, even if they weren't being unkind, she just wanted plenty of her own space. 
 
 
'15:30'
 
'Come here, my love
I'll tell you a secret
Come closer, now
I want you to believe it'
 
.... tbc
 
 
 
Part 2
 
The next morning, April 25th 15:15, her mother was at work and her brother sam went to stay at their fathers house. From her headphones laying on the floor next to the couch the rhyme of music played in the room at a comfortable low volume...
 
 'Wash it away (evidence) 
 
I didn't feel a thing
It didn't mean a thing
Look in the eye and testify
I didn't feel a thing'
 
Auska lay on the couch spinning caffeine fantasy's and forgetting the world, feeling tremors and excitement permeate mind and body. 
 
She, that is who auska can be referred to when her own mind is imposing its desires, its thoughts... she is just the vessel to realize them, to experience, the culmination of every moment, this is the nature of conciousness which auska is accustom to. 
 
A lightly pulsating warmth encapsulates her body, her throat growing fond of expressing her sensuality, her hands tremble as she breaths deep, her mind is infatuated with fantasy, she stretches her legs and arms laying on the couch discreetly revealing to her own admission that she enjoys the vulnerability she feels in this moment, reaching a sensual ecstasy, her breasts clothed but ungraded by her concern to whom ever may be present in her fantasy. 
 
The thought spreads the warmth of her body even more, the sensation spreads to the growing soft warmth between her legs, auska pushes her legs out again like a feline stretching, letting the sensations spread and grow, letting her self feel more and more vulnerable, open. She begins to caress her abdomen upward then downward then  upward again, her left hand over her eyes blocking the light so her visions of fantasy can fill her world, colour and excitement paint the walls of her imagination, scene after scene. Pressing her other hand against her breast she breaths deep but trembling, i cant take it she thinks, i want to, i want to feel alive.
 
She slid her hand over her jeans and back, then pushing her hand under her underwear, her mind was on fire, she pressed her fingers into her eyes in an intensity of pleasure, there soon began a rhythm to her movements, her pelvis would thrust a little and twirl, her legs would stretch out and bend back when she would involuntarily contract every muscle in her body, her hand was wet, she was now with her other hand feeling her breast and then griping her leg in a moment of climbing ecstasy and she would slow down, stop and breath for just a moment and begin again to feel her self, to arouse between each breath. 
 
She lifted her shirt, almost removing it and undone her bra, she threw it behind the couch into her back pack, she began again pushing her fingers in, breathing deeper and deeper each moment. The world became fuzzy and warm but as she climbed higher and higher, closer and closer, 'this time' she thought 'now, now i want to mhmmph, uhh' she almost cried it out but it was expressed only as an utterance almost unarticulated, breathing faster, deep and shallow she came closer and closer to her moment of ecstatic joy, every thought, every fantasy erotic and normal flew across her mind, the world span with a fervent passion, the planets would almost align only to shatter in a quake of primal, sexual and existential joy, but...
 
'CLICK'
 
The sound of a key in a lock, auska sprang as quick as she was about to climax ( cum ) to pulling her jeans closed, wiping her hand in her pocket and pulling her shirt back to then thrust on a hooded jumper just before her mother entered the room. Flushed and deeply embarrassed and in a mild panic auska sat crossed legged at the table looking out the window, pretending to be tired and sipping the last of a cold coffee. 
 
"You didn't change the cats litter tray, god do i have to do everything when i come home, this is a joke" her mother yelled strutting around the house.
Auska replied in a low growling clearly agitated tone
"i was just about to do it all... ill do it in a minuet" 
"no its too late, ill just do it my self, you need to get your self in check miss, i cant be expected to do everything all the time"
"i was JUST ABOUT TO DO IT".
 
Auska sank out with an agitated hoarse and barely audible growl more than a shout and picking up her back pack, walking down the hall, thoughts propelling themselves through her head with the same intensity as not a moment ago with sexual excitement now with agitation and a compulsive and obsessive contempt for her mother and her situation, repeating mantras in her head to block out the situation, the mantras becoming more spiteful and louder in her mind to block out the embarrassment and disgust she felt for her mother moaning around the house, soon, once she had lay down while putting her headphones on the mantras became more directed at her self and encompassed more than anything else. She became increasingly numb bar the consuming void she felt grow and persist in her chest, now laying on her bed listening to the Dave Burbeck quartets time in she tried her best to forget and return to default normalcy, disappointed. 
 
 
 
 
Part 3
 
April 25th 01:00am  
 
Laying on the bed, alone in the room, an innocent solipsist contemplating her life, the stars and people in her lie. The empty loneliness soothed by the caffeine in her system, the musky aroma of coffee in the air, in the walls while quietly from her laptop sitting on the computer chair next to her faith no more's falling to pieces travels gently impacting the air, vibrating the bones in her ears, her brain registering the mood and tone of the music to accompany the inner alignment and composition of emotion and thought. 
 
Soon the music changes with the passage of time, the walls dull and silent other than the passing car lights and engine motor of a late night traveller. Compulsive and colourful images play in her head, like a comic book of graphic and sensual images... story's, characters, desires, pornographic conclusions, Ginsbergs voice trails in her head like a jazz conversation... the thought of wet fingers excites her, the thought of something soft and warm placed in her mouth, growing less frail and more like a trophy, a totem of male arousal. 
 
She wanted it, thoughts began to wander in the improvised chaos, the night club in her head, so many people, so many strangers, so many friends, ready to be naked in the night, ready to share the experience of our human body, ready to let go of pasts, to ignore control of the future, the night would take us salsa wandering through the streets, bare, alive in the cold moon hands clasped to her lower back, another on her hip... a kiss, lip and tongue, swallowing. Her hand would move to his, handling his penis, kissing. Next, she's in a warm bed, a different stranger, jazz chaos on the radio, frantic and ecstatic, she is exited, she is ready to give up her restrictions and reserves, on her knees soft on the bed the soles of her feet pressing against her ass, she eyes him to stand in front of her and she would open to him... placing him into her mouth she wraps her tongue around him in a sensual swirl as the piano plays out its last goodbye skipping along the keys to the next track... moving her head slightly left to right with rhythm, in the music, in the moment, in his head, looking for his heart she swallows forward, soft, gaining confidence, desire and wants, hands against his legs swallowing him and out, more and more, she can taste sex, she can taste the body, life and even inevitable death, she swallows more to be closer to him, to feel him as he feels her. 
 
'i want him' she thinks, and suddenly laying on her back, the taste of another person still on her tongue, in her throat he slides himself down her abdomen, she is shaking with excitement and anticipation, he presses his penis against the lips and crown of her vagina, shivering more she knows she needs to relax or it wont work, taking a deep breath she relaxes her legs, hands on his shoulders she looks in his eyes and with a warm soft reflection of her thoughts she asks for him to continue, she consents to the night.
 
He presses himself inside of her, sliding slowly with pressure she feels the walls of herself squeezing around him, she feels his intrusion to her own consenting body, gently and playfully rejecting his entirety. Her heart racing and beginning to sweat even in the cool air, pupils dilated, she kisses him and pushes her pelvis into him, both of them inhale deep, entwined in each others embrace...
 
1:30am
More she tells her self. i don't care what other people think, what i think. In the gentle saxophone airs embrace she holds his hips, pulling him in, he had an average build for a young man, he was tall, dark haired and thin in the arms, she could feel his abdomen press against hers, she could feel his presence inside of her as she squeezed, holding him inside her.  "mmmmmphhh", Auska did her best to withold the desire to make any noise but the hum escaped her at the apex of her amusment, thoughts flew by at lightning speed along the walls of her mind like the car lights in her room. Panting, covering her mouth with her other hand on her stomach, eyes closed and seeping into her thoughts and passing perspectives...
 
2:23...
2:30...
2:36...
 
'I'm so alone, more than i have ever been and i'm surrounded by family and friends, it all just adds to the loneliness, another person another wall a barrier i cant breach, an opinion of my self forged in the image of another person. '
 
The sounds of an industrial plant ran through out her mind, the sound of expanding and contracting metal beams, she thought that she was loosing control because the room began to exhibit a sharpness, lights became intense and with a static zooming in and out, her vision began to hold delusional qualities, she felt the fabric of reality space and time were dissolving and that she would be revealed the true, horrible, vast and claustrophobic singular reality she so feard existed. And then it faded, with her heart racing as if it were trying to escape her body, her breathing was sharp and frantic, each attempt to take a deep breath in only seemed to choke the compulsive rhythm. 
 
'fuck'
 
That was all she could think, all she could feel, all that was real. It was as if she had glimpsed into insanity, another world of unobstructed terror, metallic and cold.
I know that i don't want to kill my self, i know that i don't want to die, i know that i'm afraid too, but i'm scared i wont be able to stop my self, i'm afraid that late one night i might just 'have enough'.
 
I just feel dead inside, empty, i can almost feel the worms squirming around in me before i'm even buried. I can hear the deep, distant, cold and hollow winds of the abyss, of non-existence calling their inevitable claim over me like a piece of meat between two predators. I will die. I will cease to exist. 
 
Auska laying on her bed, the sensation of her body sliding away from her, her sense of self and and all conformation of her existence in this world eroding, time is to space here like wind to a mountain face. She stayed there laying on her back for a while before turning on to her side with her knees tucked up against her and a hand to her face while the other was under her pillow, eyes closed, wide awake. 
 
It was like this too often, the closer she got to her self, the more it all slips away at the climax of her existence. The closer she got to anyone the more she would slip away, the more she cared about someone the harder it was to be around them. Auska would flirt with closeness, only to have her psyche reveal its self to be more distant than the moon and stars, only to realize that everything in the universe around her could only be experienced inside of her self, and inside she was lost, afraid, cold and alone. This made the truth that she was the vessel and operator of her entire reality a truth almost too hard to bear, ignorance isn't bliss she thought, but its a more comfortable struggle.
 
The room lay still, her mother asleep and her brother was at her fathers, auska lay on her bed in the dark with only the headlights of passing vehicles drawing patterns across the room. 
 
 
'When routine bites hard,
And ambitions are low,
And resentment rides high,
But emotions wont grow,
And we're changing our ways,
Taking different roads.
 
Then love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again
 
Why is the bedroom so cold?
You've turned away on your side.
is my timing that flawed?
Our respect runs dry.
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives.
 
But love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.
 
You cry out in your sleep,
All my failings exposed.
And there's a taste in my mouth,
As desperation takes hold.
Just that something so good,
Just cant function no more.
 
But love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.
Love, love will tear us apart again.'
 
 
- Love will tear us apart (by Joy division)


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