The Donahues Episode 242

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Catherine brings Ryan to her farm, Alan’s mom gets a divorce and promises to marry a multimillionaire and Ethan and his jury hands down a final judgement in the murder case he’s involved in trying

Submitted: May 10, 2016

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Submitted: May 10, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“NINE MILLION ANGRY MEN”

 

TV-MA DLSV

 

“This is my part, nobody else speak. This little light of mine, glory be to God, yeah, I’mma make sure they go where they can’t go, if they don’t wanna ride, I’mma still give ‘em raincoats, know what God said when he made the first rainbow, just throw this at the end if I’m too late for the intro”

  • Chancelor Bennett

 

(We start with Alan and Ryan in their dorm, speaking as CNN is on in the background, reporting the results of the Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island primaries)

 

ALAN: I’m just saying, dude, it’s probably over for Bernie at this point.

 

RYAN: No, dude, you don’t understand! Super delegates don’t count; they can change their minds!
 

ALAN: Yeah, but even without them, Hillary Clinton has like a 270 delegate lead!

 

RYAN: Yeah, but remember when he won like eight contests in a row?!

 

ALAN: Yeah. And then he lost New York last week. And he just lost Pennsylvania, Maryland and Rhode Island.

 

RYAN: Yeah, but maybe the super delegates will come to his side, they did that with Obama in 2008!

 

ALAN: Yeah, because he started winning with pledge delegates. Which Bernie is not.

 

RYAN: No! No! No! Bernie’s ahead in the national polls, so if all the states that already voted got to vote again, Bernie would be ahead!
 

ALAN: …So what?!

 

RYAN: I’m just saying, it’s not too late to change the rules of time and space!

 

ALAN: Ryan, you’ve got to accept that you’re going to have to vote for Hillary in November.

 

RYAN: I DON’T WANNA!!

 

ALAN: Come on, dude. You’re an adult.

 

RYAN: I need the Bern, man- (Ryan starts scratching his neck) just one Bern, man! That’s all I need! I’ll suck your dick for a little Bern!

 

ALAN: Dude, it’s not gonna happen!

 

RYAN: I’M VOTING FOR TRUMP!
 

ALAN: No, you’re not.

 

RYAN: Yeah, I’m not. Fuck. What if Hillary gets indicted for the e-mail thing? Will that pave the way for Bernie Sanders?

 

ALAN: …Yeah, I guess it would.

 

(Ryan grabs a bottle of champagne out of the fridge)

 

RYAN: We’ve got a fighting chance, boys!

 

(Ryan hands Alan a red solo cup and pours champagne into it)

 

ALAN: Man, I can’t believe school will be over in three weeks.

 

(Ryan pours himself some champagne)

 

RYAN: I know. It has been a pretty insane semester.

 

(Ryan puts the champagne in the fridge)

 

ALAN: Dude, we never got girlfriends. That was on our pit of dreams, remember?

 

RYAN: Yeah, it’s weird that we put that on there, considering I already had one at the time.

 

ALAN: We all knew that shit wasn’t gonna last.

 

RYAN: So now I just have to get one before May 12th.

 

ALAN: Ask out Catherine? She told you that she’s not really dating that guy, right?

 

RYAN: Yeah, but she’s still ten years older than I am. And I don’t want to be a widower.

 

ALAN: Come on, man, you never look more than fifteen minutes into the future, why are you worried about that?

 

RYAN: I mean, how am I gonna get around the house? I can’t let my grandkids see me with a live-in nurse.

 

ALAN: You have to ask her out, man.

 

(Ryan nods)

 

RYAN: Yeah, you’re right. (Ryan turns up the volume on the TV) So much for that Cruz-Kasich alliance, huh?

 

ALAN: That shit was never gonna work. That would be like Eric Cartman and Butters teaming up. You know Eric is just going to stop Butters in the back. And probably shit in his bed. It’s gonna be Hillary and Trump, I mean look at that, Trump won all five states, and Bernie only won Rhode Island.

 

RYAN: This is going to be the ugliest general election of all time. A choice between status quo corporate fake liberalism and literal fascism. I would almost prefer Trump just for a change of pace. But, no. Never, ever, ever. Because that change of pace would be the expressway to apocalypse.

 

ALAN: Trump is already attacking Hillary, saying she only plays the “Woman Card”. Whatever that means.

 

RYAN: Yeah, he said something about how if she was a man, she would only get 5% of the vote. Oh shit! I found another way Bernie can win! We get Hillary to have a sex change! Somehow…

 

ALAN: Forget it, dude. Trump already does terribly with women, so the doubling down on this sexist bullshit is not going to do him well. It seems like he lost Christ Christie’s wife’s vote already.

 

RYAN: Yeah, there goes Christie’s VP slot. He became Trump’s bitch for nothing.

 

ALAN: Chris? Get in the plane and go home. It’s over there. You go home.

 

RYAN: Yes sir, of course, sir. May I have one of the diet cokes in the fridge while I’m on there, sir?

 

ALAN: How dare you even ask that, Chris.

 

RYAN: Of course sir, I’m sorry, sir. Please forgive me.

 

ALAN: The pilot is getting impatient, Chris.

 

RYAN: Of course, I’ll go right now sir.

 

(Cut to Alan sitting in his living room in Stevens Landing, New York on the early afternoon of Wednesday, April 29th. His sister Jackie is sitting next to him)

 

JOCELYN: When mom makes these mystery meetings, it always freaks me out. What could this possibly be about?

 

ALAN: You never know with mom, you know she’s always trippin’. Our dog could’ve died, or we could’ve left the microwave open.

 

JOCELYN: I’m telling mom it was you.

 

ALAN: That I left the microwave open?

 

JOCELYN: No, that you killed our dog.

 

ALAN: I didn’t kill shit!
 

(Leslie, Alan’s mom, comes in)

 

LESLIE: Hey! Language!
 

ALAN: Sorry, momma.

 

(Leslie sits down across from Alan and Jocelyn)

 

LESLIE: You guys, I have something to tell you.

 

JOCELYN: Alan stabbed the dog, not me.

 

ALAN: Nobody stabbed the dog! Oh my God!
 

LESLIE: Your father and I have divorced.

 

JOCELYN: Oh.

 

LESLIE: We signed the papers last night.

 

ALAN: (Apathetic) No. Guys, you’re so good to-gether…

 

LESLIE: You don’t have to lie.

 

ALAN: Yes ma’am.

 

LESLIE: Obviously, your father and I have had problems for a long time.

 

JOCELYN: I don’t have to spend EVERY weekend with dad, right?

 

LESLIE: No, just every other weekend. And remember, he still runs the athletic department at your school.

 

JOCELYN: Yeah, but we have an agreement where he pretends we’re not related.

 

LESLIE: Yeah, he made dropping that a condition of the divorce agreement. You lost it.

 

JOCELYN: Damn it.

 

LESLIE: Language.

 

JOCELYN: Sorry, mom.

 

LESLIE: I have more news. (Leslie starts tearing up) Um…

 

ALAN: Mom? Are you okay?

 

LESLIE: I have an announcement I want to make…for the last several months I’ve been using an app called Cyber Dust.

 

JOCELYN: Cyber what?

 

LESLIE: It’s a messaging app, and I found this man on it, and- (Leslie sniffs) and we’ve been talking, and he makes me very happy.

 

ALAN: Oh my Gosh.

 

LESLIE: And I know this is fast, but I’m planning on marrying him this summer.

 

(Leslie takes a tissue and starts crying into it)

 

ALAN: Oh my Gosh, mom, that’s amazing!

 

JOCELYN: That’s great, mom, good for you.

 

(Leslie composes herself)

 

LESLIE: I should probably also tell you- (sniffs) that he is…well-endowed.

 

ALAN: Mom. You probably don’t have to tell us that.

 

LESLIE: With money, sweetheart. With money.

 

ALAN: Oh, thank God. How much money?

 

LESLIE: He is an executive at a retail store called…Walmart.

 

ALAN: Oh.

 

JOCELYN: Wow. So he must have-

 

LESLIE: Millions. He’s a multi-millionaire.

 

(Alan blinks numerous times and Jocelyn grabs Alan’s knee)

 

ALAN: …Whaaaa….

 

JOCELYN: Can I pretend he’s my dad?

 

LESLIE: Jocelyn, don’t do that.

 

JOCELYN: I’m sorry.

 

ALAN: Wow…well, when do we get to meet this guy?

 

LESLIE: Soon.

 

ALAN: Okay, good. I’m really excited to meet him.

 

LESLIE: Me too.

 

ALAN: Right. Wait, what?

 

(Cut to Ryan watching Carly Fiorina on TV in his dorm room. She is speaking at a Ted Cruz rally. The headline under her says “FIORINA: ‘I’VE ACCEPTED CRUZ’S RUNNING MATE OFFER’”)

 

CARLY FIORINA: We’ve been travelling, around the country and I’ve come to know…Ted and Heidi and Caroline and Catherine. (Singing) “I know two girls that I just adooore”

 

(Uncomfortable laughter from audience)

 

RYAN: No.

 

CARLY: (Singing) “I’m so happy I can see them moooore”!

 

RYAN: Stop.

 

CARLY: ‘Cause we travel on the bus all day-

 

RYAN: ENOUGH! (Ryan turns off the TV) This election has just about broken me.

 

(Alan comes in)

 

ALAN: Hey, I have huge news.

 

RYAN: I have bigger news, Ted Cruz picked a running mate! And she just managed to seem creepier than Ted Cruz!

 

ALAN: Shut up, this is important! (Alan sits down, and so does Ryan) You know how I’ve struggled my whole life?

 

RYAN: …No, Alan, I haven’t seen your hood biopic yet.

 

ALAN: Well, that’s all about to change.

 

(Cut to Alan driving Ryan around in a Bugatti)

 

RYAN: So she’s never even met him?

 

ALAN: Nope.

 

RYAN: And they’re getting married.

 

ALAN: Yep.

 

RYAN: And he’s buying you a multimillion dollar house in Burlington?

 

ALAN: Yeah.

 

RYAN: And he bought you this new Bugatti?

 

ALAN: He rented it for me. I slept in it last night, it’s so nice.

 

RYAN: Wow. So now that you’re rich, are you gonna start giving back to the community?

 

ALAN: No way. If they want money, they better work for it like I did.

 

(Ryan throws his hands up. Cut to Ryan sitting in the passenger seat of Catherine’s truck)

 

NPR: After Ted Cruz dropped out of the race last night, Governor John Kasich has now also suspended his campaign. This leaves Donald Trump as the last man standing in the Republican race, and as the presumptive nominee for the GOP.

 

RYAN: I can’t believe it.

 

CATHERINE: You know, Ryan- (Catherine turns down the radio) if Trump gets elected, we could just start a bird-watching organization.

 

RYAN: …Explain?

 

CATHERINE: You know, a bird-watching organization. Nothing conspicuous or revolutionary or treasonous about it.

 

RYAN: Ooooh, okay. Got it. Bird-watching.

 

(Catherine stops her truck, and Ryan and Catherine jump out in front of her farm)

 

CATHERINE: Here it is.

 

RYAN: It’s beautiful. It smells like shit.

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, there’s a lot of shit. Come in. (Ryan and Catherine walk into her farmhouse. Cut to Ryan sitting at the nook table. Catherine is making eggs) Everybody knows each other here, Ryan.

 

RYAN: Really?

 

CATHERINE: Not really, we’re all pretty spread out. It’s a lonely life.

 

RYAN: Yeah, well, I lived in the suburbs, and trust me, we don’t know our neighbors any better. Come to think of it, they all used to run inside when I left my house…

 

CATHERINE: Being an outcast is hard.

 

(Catherine puts eggs on the table for Ryan, and Catherine puts another plate of eggs on the table for her)

 

RYAN: This place does seem peaceful though.

 

CATHERINE: It is. I love this farm.

 

RYAN: Really?

 

CATHERINE: Not really, it’s kind of a pain in the ass.

 

RYAN: Why do you keep saying things you don’t mean?

 

CATHERINE: My hippie counselor is encouraging me to do “façade reinforcement” exercises.

 

RYAN: So do you not like being here?

 

CATHERINE: No, I do. It’s just hard work. And it’s far away from everything.

 

RYAN: Well. There’s no place I’d rather hide from Trump’s jack-booted thugs. (Catherine laughs. Cut to late at night. Catherine is in her bedroom, under the covers. Ryan is standing at the foot of the bed) So, are there any blankets for the couch?

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, in the closet’s top shelf. There might be moth balls, though. And one of the blankets might be bear skin, with the head intact.

 

RYAN: Got it.

 

(Ryan smiles and leaves the room. Cut to Ryan on a couch, in the dark, draping a bearskin blanket over himself. The head of the bear is at the end of the blanket, where Ryan’s feet are. Ryan closes his eyes, trying to fall asleep. Cut to Catherine trying to fall asleep in the other room. She just looks out the window, at the clear, rural upstate New York night sky. Cut to Ryan asleep on the couch. Catherine walks into the room, and over to Ryan. She runs her fingers through his hair, and Ryan wakes up, looking at her with wanting eyes. Catherine kneels down and starts kissing him. Ryan sits up and starts making out with her. They both start removing clothing and begin having sex under the bearskin blanket. Cut to the bear head, which now has widened eyes. Cut to Ryan and Catherine waking up next to each other on the couch the next morning. They are both naked)

 

CATHERINE: Good morning.

 

RYAN: Morning.

 

(Catherine sits up, as does Ryan)

 

CATHERINE: Want breakfast?

 

RYAN: Sure. I want those eggs again, because that shit was amazing.

 

CATHERINE: Sure, let me go to the chicken coup to see if they laid any. They should’ve, those hormones I injected were strong as hell.

 

(Catherine starts putting her panties and bra on. Ryan begins putting his underwear and shirt on)

 

RYAN: I’ll go with you.

 

(Cut to Ryan and Catherine walking to the chicken coup to see blood and bones)

 

CATHERINE: OH MY GOD!!

 

RYAN: Holy shit.

 

CATHERINE: My chickens!

 

RYAN: What happened here?!

 

(Catherine drops to her knees)

 

CATHERINE: They were massacred!

 

RYAN: By what?!

 

(Catherine picks up a strand of orange fur)

 

CATHERINE: Who do you think?

 

RYAN: …A pack of gingers?

 

CATHERINE: Foxes. Goddamn foxes.

 

RYAN: Oh my God. (Ryan rubs Catherine’s back) I’m so sorry, Catherine.

 

CATHERINE: UGH! I’ve had enough of this shit! (Catherine walks away from Ryan, and then turns to him) I hate this fucking farm, all it does is take, take, take!

 

RYAN: You could put up a scarecrow.

 

CATHERINE: I did, they ate it weeks ago. I’m just so sick of this, I think I’m gonna sell the farm, honestly.

 

RYAN: Sell the farm? But you worked so hard for this thing! And plus, I really like it here!
 

CATHERINE: I know, but I lost all my egg makers! What am I supposed to do? I’m about to graduate anyway, I should probably just take a librarian job or some shit…

 

RYAN: Come on, Catherine. Don’t give up. I’ve given up on everything in my life. All my relationships, my band, not to mention college. I’m probably coming out of this semester with two Bs and two Fs.

 

(Catherine sighs)

 

CATHERINE: But look how amazing you turned out.

 

RYAN: I’m not that great.

 

CATHERINE: Come on, yes you are.

 

(Catherine holds Ryan’s hands)

 

RYAN: …I want to spend the summer here with you. We can make this farm work together.

 

(Catherine starts tearing up. Catherine nods “yes”. Cut to Ethan, Vernon, John and eight other jurors sitting in a jury deliberation room. A fan is on, keeping them cool)

 

ETHAN: …Why do they have the fans on? It’s like fifty-eight degrees outside.

 

VERNON: It’s because the heat is on.

 

ETHAN: Then why don’t they turn it off?

 

VERNON: It’s their way of hurrying up our decision.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: I hate our justice system.

 

ELLIS: Guys, we need to get started.
 

VERNON: Yeah, there’s a Beyoncé concert later tonight I really want to go to.

 

ELLIS: There are a lot of ways to do this, guys. We just need to choose one.

 

VERNON: I think we should do a show of hands. Secret ballots waste precious time and it’s a good day for a Beyoncé concert.

 

ETHAN: Alright, fine.

 

ELLIS: All in favor of acquittal? (Everyone but Ethan raises their hand) All opposed?

 

(Ethan raises his hand)

 

MERV: Oh, brother. There’s always one.

 

ETHAN: How many murder trials have you been on, dude?

 

MERV: Hundreds.

 

ETHAN: That can’t be.

 

MERV: What leaves you unconvinced that Palmer committed a crime of passion?

 

ETHAN: …I don’t know, I just want to talk about it. Can we not talk about it before we let this man free?

 

(One of the jurors stands up)

 

DAVID: WHY TALK ABOUT IT?!!?

 

ETHAN: Whoa, calm the fuck down.

 

DAVID: He stole his girlfriend! This is an open and shut case for God’s sake!

 

ETHAN: I’m just saying, we need to talk about it before we release Mr. Palmer to probably go murder his ex-girlfriend!

 

MERV: Can’t we deal with one thing at a time?

 

JOHN: Hey, the man has a right to his opinion.

 

ELLIS: Okay, why don’t we go around the table and each person make the case to Mr. Donahue as to why they think Mr. Palmer is innocent?

 

DALE: Check this out- (Dale shows Julio a sketch of an advertisement for a product called “XXXXTRA Soothing Cough Drops) it’s a sketch of an ad for this client of mine, at the ad firm.

 

JULIO: Hmm.

 

DALE: It was my idea to add the fourth “x”. Blew everybody else away.

 

JULIO: Remarkable.

 

ELLIS: Excuse me, can we focus here?

 

DALE: Oh yeah, sorry. (Dale puts the sketch away) Ask me about it later.

 

JULIO: I probably won’t.

 

ELLIS: Alright, John, you go first, why do you think Palmer is innocent?

 

JOHN: I don’t know, I’ve just…I’ve been hurt by a lot of different girls before in my life. Most notably that girl in second grade.

 

ETHAN: Most notably?

 

JOHN: I asked her out, she said yes. So we had a date by the tetherball pole. I asked her what her favorite color was, and she just laughed and ran away. Next thing I knew, she was holding hands with this jerk in a football jersey. Never quite recovered from that. So I sympathize with Ernest.

 

ELLIS: Alright, what about you, David?

 

DAVID: It’s been obvious! You heard the testimony from his bros! He said that girl hoe’d him! Do we suddenly tolerate hoes in this society?!

 

MERV: Not in my America.

 

DAVID: My wife… (David takes a picture out of his wallet) well, my ex-wife, I haven’t seen her in two years. She left me for another man. And worse of all, it was the husband of the woman I had been sleeping with for three years. Real punch in the gut. That’s why we need to let Ernest go free. He’s already suffered enough.

 

COLE: Well, to me, it’s clear that Palmer’s motivations are completely based on his anger with Mr. Ellington’s theft of his girlfriend. Palmer entered Ellington’s house at 11:48 PM on the night of November 12th holding a Trump campaign sign. He opened up their fridge, relieved himself in their vegetable drawer, closed it, went upstairs and stabbed Mr. Ellington repeatedly with that campaign sign. Clearly the man was bitter. And the prosecution’s excuse is flimsy. They say that Palmer had another motive. They say Ellington was a co-worker of Palmer and Ellington was promoted over Palmer just a week before the killing. But they have no evidence that Palmer knew anything about his consideration for such a position.

 

MERV: And even if he did, that’s fine! Tell me, how many times have you looked at a son of a bitch who took your promotion and wanted to punch him in the face!? (Merv gets up and walks over behind Cole) You can’t trust these people, they’re monsters! They steal your bitch and then they steal your job!

 

ELLIS: For God’s sake, can we go one at a time?

 

COLE: I believe Andrew was next.

 

ANDREW: Uh, first off, I believe Palmer should be set free, because well, I’m a…I’ve stolen a girl before and I regret it every day of my life.

 

VERNON: See? That’s the kind of empathy YOU should have, Donahue.

 

ETHAN: Finish, Andrew.

 

ANDREW: Everyday her ex trolls my Instagram. It gets, very tiring. I’d rather be dead, to be honest.

 

MERV: See?

 

ETHAN: Al, your turn.

 

AL: Well, I think I was convinced very early on in the case. He clearly only cared about how Donald stole his girl. I mean, he texted all his friends sad-face emojis.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, but those emojis could’ve been about anything, I don’t think that was very convincing evidence.

 

AL: But that’s what the defense attorney said.

 

ETHAN: But those emojis could’ve been about how he stole the promotion from him. And we’re looking at a guy who sends unexplained emojis to his friends, are we sure we should set this man free?

 

ELLIS: Vernon, what do you think?

 

VERNON: …I don’t know, everything’s been said. We could circle jerk all day, or we could car pool to Beyoncé together.

 

JULIO: Why are you assuming we’d go with you?

 

VERNON: Listen, we all know that he did it because he stole his girl! Clear and simple. Why? What do you think Ethan?

 

ETHAN: I thought you guys were supposed to convince me, why do I have to say something?

 

COLE: Maybe we want to know why you’re so skeptical.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: I don’t see why I must explain myself, but fine. I’m a homewrecker too, but, that’s not the reason I’m doing what I’m doing. Palmer stole Ellington’s girl, yes, but there were other motives here. The promotion being one of them, but should we not examine the elephant in the room?

 

MERV: What!? David’s big nose!? What are we doing here, this is ridiculous!!

 

ETHAN: Just-shut the fuck up for a second. Jesus. Okay, the Trump sign. Why has nobody brought up a potential political motive here?

 

HENRY: That’s a fair point

 

DAVID: Are you stark raving mad, old man!?

 

ETHAN: Why would he use a Donald Trump sign otherwise?

 

DAVID: Oh, you must be one of these people who claims that Trump incites violence!

 

ETHAN: Yes.

 

COLE: This happened before anyone took Trump seriously, Ethan, there’s no way he would be that fired up about it.

 

JULIO: Plus, Ellington wasn’t a Mexican.

 

AL: And he was a Republican.

 

ETHAN: Yes, but was he a Trump supporter?

 

MERV: He very well could’ve been! Not even the prosecution knows where he got that campaign sign, Ernest could’ve taken it right out of Ellington’s front lawn!

 

ETHAN: Maybe. But there’s reason to believe that Donald was not a Trump supporter. First off, he completed his High School education. That’s sign one.

 

COLE: You know what? Ellis, could you get the sign in here?

 

ELLIS: Sure thing.

 

(Ellis opens the door and a court employee walks up to him)

 

COURT EMPLOYEE: Can I help you?

 

ELLIS: Could you get us Exhibit C, please?

 

COURT EMPLOYEE: Sure thing.

 

(The court employee walks away for a second, and returns with the bloody Trump sign)

 

ELLIS: Thanks.

 

(Ellis closes the door and brings the Trump sign over)

 

COLE: You see this sign? (Cole takes the sign) This sign was used to stab Ellington in the heart. He folded the sign so that both of its metal posts would stick into his body like a knife. If it were a crime of political fervor, don’t you think he would’ve stuck the sign into him like he was marking his territory? No, instead he folded it, which shows great disrespect for Trump. Plus, Ellington was probably a Trump supporter. He posted on Facebook two years ago that he wanted the U.S. to build a wall. Sound familiar?

 

(Ethan stands up and pulls a “Jeb!” bumper sticker out of his coat pocket and puts it on the table)

 

ETHAN: You know where I found that?

 

COLE: Where?

 

ETHAN: Mr. Ellington’s bumper. I did a little detective work at his house a few nights ago.

 

COLE: You visited the house of the murder victim to do detective work while serving on the jury seeking to try his murderer? That hardly seems appropriate.

 

ETHAN: You should’ve seen how badass I looked. Sleuthing. I even took his truck for a joy ride.

 

COLE: That is so unbelievably unethical.

 

ETHAN: I’M the hero!

 

DAVID: That’s a mighty fine bumper sticker there, you want to tell us what it proves? So what if he was a Jeb supporter, that doesn’t prove there was a strong political motive. As far as I can tell, that Trump sign was the nearest possible weapon.

 

ETHAN: There was a whole kitchen full of knives, why couldn’t he use one of those?

 

JOHN: They did say he was a vegetarian.

 

MERV: Yet ANOTHER reason to let Palmer go!

 

VERNON: What do you expect me to accomplish with this nonsense, eh? All eleven of us believe he should go free. If you want to be stubborn and hang this jury, fine, just do it quick because Travis Scott is opening and I want to catch him.

 

(Ethan looks out the window)

 

ETHAN: …Let’s have another vote. A secret ballot. I’ll abstain. If the vote is unanimously against me, I’ll change my vote to not guilty.

 

ELLIS: That sounds fair. Anyone object?

 

DALE: Should we have a vote on whether my new ad campaign for Corn Fluff cereal will fly or not afterwards?

 

ELLIS: Absolutely not, everyone write down your votes on slips of paper please. (Everybody writes down their votes on pieces of paper and hands them in to Ellis. He begins reading through them) Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty. (Ellis stands up as he reads the next one) Guilty.

 

MERV: Ah, well, how do you like that?! Another knight in shining armor. You got a real nerve, Andrew. What’s next, are you gonna lay that stenographer while her husband watches?! Maybe we’ll be trying YOUR murderer next!

 

(Andrew stands up)

 

ANDREW: Now wait a minute, you can’t talk to me like that!

 

MERV: Sure I can, asshole, I’m loud, white and angry!

 

ANDREW: Who do you think you are?!

 

COLE: Calm down, he’s very excitable.

 

DAVID: (High-pitched screamed voice) YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M EXCITABLE- (Andrew clears his throat, now he has his deep voice) You’re damn right I’m excitable, we’re about to imprison a man whose only crime was deep love! Deep, intense passion for his lover!
 

ETHAN: This crime of passion shit is so stupid- some people have a passion for making lampshades out of human skin, it doesn’t mean it’s not a horrible crime.

 

DAVID: Now that is not the same thing! And Andrew is trying to act like it is!
 

HENRY: He didn’t change his vote, I did!
 

DAVID: I knew it.

 

ETHAN: No, YOU DIDN’T!

 

DAVID: What caused you to change your vote, old man?

 

HENRY: Well, I had some concerns about-

 

VERNON: Fuck this.

 

(Vernon leaves)

 

HENRY: Hey, I AM TALKING! I HAVE A RIGHT-

 

ETHAN: He can’t hear you. He never will.

 

(Henry puts up his fists)

 

HENRY: I’ll kill him! I did street boxing in the late fifties, I’ll show that little punk!

 

ETHAN: Just sit down, Henry.

 

(Henry puts his fists down and takes a seat)

 

HENRY: Listen, we should probably set this man free. But I think Mr. Donahue and I want to know more.

 

ELLIS: I think we should take a break.

 

DALE: A little breaky break? I concur.

 

ETHAN: Fine. (People start getting up, and relaxing. Ethan leaves the room. Ethan goes to the bathroom, but sees a security guard sitting outside the bathroom) What is this?

 

SECURITY GUARD: New Hansbay law. Gotta see the gender on your birth certificate before you can enter, hoss.

 

ETHAN: You can’t be-do I look like a woman or a transgender person to you?

 

SECURITY GUARD: Hey. We gotta treat everyone equal.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: I don’t have my birth certificate on me.

 

SECURITY GUARD: A driver’s license will do.

 

(Ethan sighs and hands the guard his driver’s license, and the security guard nods and gives it back to him. Ethan walks in the bathroom. Cut to Ethan washing his hands in the bathroom. Vernon walks in)

 

VERNON: That guard’s a little too friendly, eh?

 

ETHAN: I didn’t get that impression.

 

(Ethan turns to Vernon)

 

VERNON: Just know that you’re not gonna accomplish anything with this little stunt you’re trying to pull. You’re never gonna convince all of us.

 

ETHAN: I’m just trying to do what’s right.

 

VERNON: Oh really? I’ve read in the papers you’re known for that.

 

(Vernon goes into one of the stalls. Ethan walks out of the bathroom. Cut to Ethan walking into the deliberation room. Dale is talking to Julio and Ellis)

 

DALE: So, in advertising, whenever we’re at a point like this in a meeting, some account executive will always get up, and – (Dale stands up and puts his glasses on) say something like “okay, I have an idea, I’m gonna run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it”. (Dale claps and laughs) It’s idiotic, but it’s-

 

JULIO: Not everything about your life is interesting.

 

DALE: I beg to differ.

 

ELLIS: Let’s get started again.

 

(Vernon comes in and sits down)

 

ETHAN: I’m missing the Indiana Primary, but it’s fine. Cruz got his ass kicked.

 

VERNON: Would you say he’s being stabbed with a Trump Campaign sign?

 

ETHAN: Yeah.

 

AL: Ellis, I’d like to change my vote to “guilty”.

 

ELLIS: Okay, now it’s 9-3 in favor of not guilty.

 

JULIO: I also change my vote.

 

MERV: Oh, please, this is just ridiculous! Where are the bitter men I thought I knew!?

 

ELLIS: It’s 8-4 in favor of not guilty.

 

DAVID: Oh, COME ON! I want to know why you changed your vote! Speak up!

 

JULIO: I’ve been listening to everyone here, and I think I’ve found some inconsistencies. For example, the defecation in the vegetable drawer. It doesn’t add up. If this was really a personal vendetta, wouldn’t he defecate somewhere out in the open, like his coffee table or something? I mean, how often do people check their vegetable drawer?

 

JOHN: That’s enough evidence for me. I change my vote to guilty.

 

ETHAN: ‘Atta boy.

 

ELLIS: Okay, that’s 7-5 in favor of not guilty.

 

DAVID: I CAN’T BELIEVEAAAAAAGHHGHG!!!

 

(Ethan stands up)

 

ETHAN: You make a good garbled point, but there are more questions I have about this whole thing. First off, the testimony claims that witnesses saw Mr. Palmer arriving at Ellington’s house around 12:21 AM. And the neighbors report hearing the Donald Ellington’s scream around 12:23 AM. Does that sound like enough time to break in, take a shit in a vegetable drawer, and then walk up to a bedroom and stab somebody to death?

 

MERV: Of course it is! I used to slit my wife’s tires and take our children from her in a minute flat!

 

ETHAN: Think about it. Ellis, can you ask for the house’s floor plan?

 

ELLIS: You got it, buddy. (Ethan squints as Ellis steps outside) GET THIS MAN A FLOOR PLAN!

 

(Ellis is handed the floor plan and stands it up on the table. Ethan walks over to it and points to the front door)

 

ETHAN: See this? The fridge is twenty feet from the front door, where he entered, because it was unlocked. He entered at around 12:21, walked twenty feet to the fridge, opened it, opened the vegetable drawer, shit in it, closed it, closed the fridge drawer, and then went to go wipe his ass-

 

JULIO: No, he didn’t wipe his ass, no toilet paper was found in the house! Remember the testimony from the crime scene investigator?

 

AL: Yeah, I was wondering why he even mentioned that.

 

ETHAN: See? So he would’ve had to walk awkwardly and slowly to get to his bedroom, because he had an unwiped ass. Let’s see if this feat would even be possible in two minutes.

 

COLE: Fine. Let’s.

 

(Ethan sets up some chairs)

 

ETHAN: This’ll be the front door, and I’ll mark off twenty feet.

 

(Ethan starts using his feet to trace a path of twenty feet across the floor)

 

MERV: What is this?! He’s wasting our time here!

 

DALE: As the kids say, “what are thoooose?!?!”

 

MERV: Shut the fuck up, will ya?

 

(Vernon starts whistling “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé)

 

JOHN: Knock it off.

 

VERNON: I WANNA SEE THAT GIRL WORK IT!

 

(Ethan finishes tracing his path to the fridge)

 

ETHAN: Now, we need to trace another fifty feet upstairs to his bedroom.

 

(Ethan begins tracing that. Ellis checks his phone)

 

ELLIS: This is not the best time to bring this up, but Ted Cruz dropped out.

 

ETHAN: Fuck. This isn’t the best time, you’re right.

 

AL: I guess John Boehner’s happy. He called him “Lucifer In The Flesh”. So I guess this would be the rapture, the ultimate triumph of good over evil.

 

ETHAN: It would be, if Trump wasn’t now the presumptive Republican nominee.

 

ELLIS: Hey, he said he would “fight for conservatism as long as God grants him the strength to do so”.

 

(Al takes out his phone)

 

AL: Oh, I just got another notification. God announced he was suspending Ted Cruz’s strength.

 

ETHAN: Just-let me focus on this murder, okay? I’m contemplating having to vote for Hillary Clinton, so I’m not in a good place right now. I need a distraction.

 

ANDREW: Hey, if you want a true conservative in the White House, Hillary’s not a bad choice.

 

(Ethan finishes tracing fifty feet)

 

ETHAN: Okay, there we go. Now, John, time me walking from the door to the fridge.

 

JOHN: Got it. (Ethan goes to the starting point as John pulls up a stopwatch app on his phone) Okay, go.

 

(Ethan begins walking across the room, and then turns around until he’s walked thirty feet)

 

ETHAN: Okay, now I’m gonna- (Ethan pretends to open a fridge) defecate in this veggie drawer.

 

(Ethan mimes pulling down his pants)

 

MERV: NO, HE SHOULD REALLY HAVE TO DO IT! PULL ‘EM DOWN!

 

ETHAN: I’m not gonna defecate in the middle of this jury room.

 

MERV: SOMEONE GET A FRIDGE IN HERE!
 

JOHN: Calm down. Loudmouth.

 

ETHAN: Okay, he should’ve been done by about now. (Ethan mimes pulling his pants back up) But now he’s walking awkwardly because there’s no toilet paper.

 

(Ethan starts waddling awkwardly around the room)

 

MERV: Anybody could waddle faster than that!

 

ETHAN: You want me to waddle faster? Fine. (Ethan starts waddling faster. Once he’s walked fifty feet, he mimes stabbing Donald Ellington, and then he points to John) Time?

 

JOHN: Three minutes and fifteen seconds.

 

(Ethan points at Cole)

 

ETHAN: See? I don’t think he was the one that shit in the drawer at all! He wouldn’t have had time! And he had a young son, he could’ve done it. When my son Ryan was a toddler, we couldn’t potty train him until he was ten, because he just locked himself in his room. It was really hard for him to develop a language, too. And if Ernest didn’t shit in that drawer, then that subtracts from the possibility that this was a personal motivation! The sign screams political!

 

JOHN: I think that’s possible!
 

DAVID: POLITICAL?! (David steps forward) Oh, I’ve seen some dishonesty in my days, but this takes the cake. You guys come in here with your hearts bleedin’ all over the floor about homewreckers and injustice, and you listen to some fairy tales. Suddenly, you start getting through to some of these cuckholds, well you’re not getting through to me, I’ve had enough. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?! YOU ALL HE KNOW HE SHOULD GO FREE, DONALD DESERVED TO DIE, NOW YOU’RE GONNA HAVE HIM ROT IN PRISON?!

 

ETHAN: Deserved to die? I suppose you’d rather it have been you that killed Ellington?

 

DAVID: FOR SOMEONE LIKE THAT!? YOU BETCHA! I’M VERY BITTER!

 

ETHAN: Ever since you came in here, you’ve been acting like Ellington screwed YOUR wife. Wait, did he?

 

DAVID: YEAH, YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT HE DID!

 

ETHAN: Oh my God. You ooze bitterness. You want to see Ernest walk because you enjoyed seeing Ellington murdered, not because of the facts. You’re a sadist. And you look like Rodney Dangerfield after eating a 32-ounce steak.

 

(David lunges at Ethan, but the others hold him back)

 

DAVID: I’LL KILL YOU, BASTARD!! I’LL KILL YOU!!

 

ETHAN: I would deserve it, wouldn’t I? Because yes, I stole Patrick White’s girl from him. But have you ever considered that maybe she chose to leave him for me because I’m the better man?

 

(David calms down and walks away in a huff)

 

ELLIS: I think we should sit down, and…have another vote.

 

ETHAN: I agree.

 

(They all sit down)

 

ELLIS: Alright. Juror number one? Oh, that’s me. I vote “not guilty”. Number two?

 

JOHN: Guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number three?

 

DAVID: Not guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number four?

 

COLE: Not guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number five?

 

ANDREW: Guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number six?

 

AL: Guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number seven?

 

VERNON: Not guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number eight?

 

ETHAN: Guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number nine?

 

HENRY: Guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number ten?

 

MERV: Not guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number eleven?

 

JULIO: Guilty.

 

ELLIS: Number twelve? (Dale is sketching something on a pad) Number twelve?

 

(Dale holds up a sketch that shows 3-D lettering of the words “NOT GUILTY”)

 

DALE: Not guilty.

 

ELLIS: The vote is now 6-6.

 

VERNON: Oh, I see. We’re going into an encore, eh? Fine, I’ll bite. I change my vote to “guilty”.

 

ETHAN: What?

 

ELLIS: Alright, that’s 7-5, in favor of guilty.

 

JULIO: Wait, why did you change your vote?

 

VERNON: Because, I go where the wind is blowin’! Did you know I was the second person to buy a Segway?!

 

JULIO: No, I want a real reason! You came in here with the strong belief Palmer should be let go, but now you’ve got those Beyoncé tickets burning a hole in your pocket, you wanna change your vote because why?

 

VERNON: I just-I think he killed him for Ronald Trump, or whatever.

 

ETHAN: Come on, man, even non-politically involved people know Donald Trump’s name. I agree with Julio, you should change your vote because you believe he’s guilty, not because you’re bored!

 

VERNON: Come on, you’ve got to admit this is boring.

 

AL: At least you got assigned to a murder case. Back in ’04 I was assigned to this boring insider trading case involving some blonde lady.

 

COLE: Think about the evidence, Ethan. When Ernest testified, he remembered every single detail of his ex-girlfriend’s daily routine after she broke up with him. That was a man obsessed, I mean, think about it, that was six months ago.

 

ETHAN: Cole, have you ever been broken up with?

 

COLE: Yes.

 

ETHAN: Did you keep tabs on the person afterwards?

 

COLE: Of course, I’m only human.

 

ETHAN: Would you say you were obsessed with her?

 

COLE: No. I’m not some sort of weirdo.

 

ETHAN: Okay. Let me ask you this. What was her name?

 

COLE: Ashley.

 

ETHAN: What time did Ashely get up every morning?

 

COLE: 7:30 AM.

 

ETHAN: What did she buy as breakfast cereal every week?

 

COLE: Oh, I couldn’t remember something like that-

 

ETHAN: Cut the shit.

 

COLE: Special K, her new boyfriend was a douchey health nut.

 

ETHAN: What gym did they go to?

 

COLE: LA Fitness.

 

ETHAN: What did her new boyfriend’s sweaty exercise clothes smell like?
 

COLE: …Lavender…

 

VERNON: Jesus, man. Have some self-respect.

 

ETHAN: And you didn’t end up murdering him over it, did you?

 

COLE: …No…

 

ETHAN: So what else is there? We can’t prove that he murdered him over the girl.

 

COLE: But we can’t prove that he murdered him over the promotion. Remember, there’s no proof that he even knew that he was considered. At this point, we might want to begin the “hung jury” conversation.

 

(Cole starts itching his neck, as Ethan sighs and sits down)

 

HENRY: Are you alright?

 

COLE: …What? Yeah, I’m fine. Anyway, if we haven’t decided by seven, I say-

 

HENRY: The reason I ask is because the way you itched your neck reminded me of something.

 

COLE: Oh, you want to talk about this? You want to talk about me rubbing my neck?

 

HENRY: Yes, yes I do.

 

COLE: Yeah, we have time to chat about this shit. Okay, go ahead.

 

HENRY: Thank you. I just wanted to ask, why did you itch your neck like that?

 

DAVID: Oh, come on, will you?

 

HENRY: At this point I happen to be talking to the gentleman sitting next to you!

 

ETHAN: So gangster.

 

(Henry and Ethan fist bump)

 

HENRY: So, why were you itching your neck?

 

COLE: Well, if it’s any of your business, I was itching it because I got a haircut this morning.

 

HENRY: Oh, I see. That must be annoying.

 

COLE: Yeah. I should’ve brought a change of shirt, but I’ve never changed in a public building. It’s disgusting.

 

HENRY: Hmm. I wouldn’t know about that. My hair doesn’t itch.

 

COLE: …What is the point of this line of questioning?

 

HENRY: When Mr. Palmer testified, he had the exact same haircut you have right now.

 

ANDREW: Oh my God, he did!
 

JOHN: It’s true!
 

COLE: Yeah, so?

 

ANDREW: Yeah, why does that matter?

 

JOHN: I am very confused.

 

HENRY: How much did that haircut cost?

 

COLE: 500 dollars, what’s the third degree?

 

ETHAN: Oh my God, what do you do for a living?

 

COLE: I’m a stock broker. And I told my clients to pull shares in your shitty vending machine company, Ethan.

 

HENRY: That man’s salary would not have allowed for such an expensive haircut at that time unless he knew he might get a promotion, and was expecting it. I mean for goodness’ sake, his girlfriend had just broken up with him. Nobody grooms themselves after a thing like that. People can hardly keep themselves together.

 

ETHAN: When Vitenka left me, I wore my shoes to bed for a month.

 

VERNON: Wait, did he even have that haircut when they arrested him?

 

ETHAN: I think so, Ellis, could you get the mug shot?

 

ELLIS: You got it.

 

(Ellis leaves the room for a second and comes back with the mugshot. It shows Ernest Palmer holding a sign reading “ERNEST PALMER, CHITTENDEN COUNTY POLICE DEPT, 11-12-2015”. He has a cigarette in his mouth, an eyepatch and a fake parrot on his shoulder. He has the same haircut Cole does)

 

ETHAN: They had too much fun with that mug shot. But it’s the same haircut! Would you purchase such an expensive haircut if you didn’t expect some money coming in soon?

 

COLE: …No. Nobody would.

 

ETHAN: Would you?

 

DAVID: Yes.

 

ETHAN: You think it makes sense that he would purchase such an expensive haircut if he didn’t expect money coming in-I mean, he didn’t make much money at the position he had at the time!
 

DAVID: Yes, it makes PERFECT SENSE! He probably wanted to look good for the, mugshot. Or something.

 

(Ethan goes over to Merv)

 

ETHAN: Do you think he’s guilty? (Merv nods his head, and then Ethan goes over to Cole) And you?

 

(Cole nods his head)

 

COLE: Yes. I’m convinced. He’s guilty.

 

DAVID: What’s the matter with ya?!

 

COLE: I have a reasonable doubt that he was a salty ex-boyfriend asshole now.

 

HENRY: It’s 11-1.

 

ETHAN: You’re alone now.

 

DAVID: I don’t care if I’m alone, It’s my right.

 

ETHAN: Then let’s hear your argument.

 

DAVID: …Everything. Every single thing that happened in the courtroom says he’s not guilty, what do you think I am, an idiot or something? (David stands up, and turns to the rest of the jurors) And this business about a motive, YOU CAN’T PROVE HE DIDN’T MURDER HIM BECAUSE HE STOLE HIS GIRLFRIEND! So what he bought a haircut?! HAVE YOU NEVER SPLURGED?! I BOUGHT THIS WATCH- (David points to his watch) AT A GARAGE SALE FOR $150 DOLLARS! I LOOKED IT UP LATER, IT SELLS FOR THIRTY BUCKS AT A WALMART!  (David pause) And this business about the Trump sign, MAYBE IT WAS JUST THE NEAREST WEAPON! Oh! Because you found a Jeb Bush sticker you think you’re hot shit? Well, everybody, PLEASE CLAP! (David starts clapping, but eventually turns around and shakes his head, and then turns back to them) And this business about the vegetable drawer- I COULD RUN A MARATHON WITH AN UNWIPED ASS! AND I’VE DONE IT! YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING! And what about this business with the girlfriend? I bet you I can’t remember the FIRST THING ABOUT MY EX-WIFE! SEE?! HERE SHE IS RIGHT HERE! (David pulls a picture of his ex-wife out of his wallet and throws it on the table) I CAN’T REMEMBER HE GLOWING SMILE! OR HER LOVE OF LIFE! OR HOW SHE LAUGHED AT MY JOKES! URGGGH!!! (David takes the Trump campaign sign and stabs the picture of his ex-wife over and over, and then starts crying) He’s guilty…he’s guilty…

 

(Ethan stands up, as does everybody else. People start putting their jackets on and leaving, as David sits at the table, distraught. Ethan gets David’s jacket for him and goes over to try to put it on him)

 

DAVID: What do I look like?! GAY OR SOMETHIN’!?

 

(David snatches the jacket away from Ethan and walks out of the room)

 

ETHAN: Come on, man, you were doing so well.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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