Capitalist Demon- a humorist encounter between a man and a worker from hell

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A man who has just been dumped by his girlfriend gets a special visit

Submitted: May 25, 2016

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Submitted: May 25, 2016



Muttered, head low, tears streaming down his face

MAN: Oh God please, I'd do anything to get her back

Large gust of wind, shadowy figure appears

DEMON: in a malicious voice. Anything you say?

MAN: looks up, horror on his face Well, probably not what you're thinking

DEMON: Aw man really? Did I just waste my time coming here? He sits on the bench next to man

MAN: shrugs I guess so.

DEMON: I'm gonna miss my quota.

MAN: Why do you need souls anyway, what do you do with those?

DEMON: Do you think I do these services for free? I'm running a business here!

MAN: a… a business?"

DEMON: Well of course, do you think I can just pull up those miracles out of my hat? He raises his hat, and dust falls out

MAN: so… you use those souls to buy miracles?

DEMON: How dare you! Who do you think I am?!

MAN: Slides away from DEMON, afraid

DEMON: My miracles are home grown, it's a lot of work, a soul is worth that miracle and then some.

MAN: so you're just overcharging?

DEMON: What? I've got to live too! You think rent's cheap in hell?

MAN: Aren't you like King of hell or something?

DEMON: Who me?  Laughs out loud, throwing head back in the air.  You talking about Lucifer, he's king of hell. Wait you thought that was me? He laughs again

MAN: Well yea, that's what the church says.

DEMON: You think the King of Hell has time to hand out miracles to every person who might want some? No, I'm not him

They stay in silence a couple minutes

MAN: what happens to me if I give you my soul?

DEMON: You get whatever you wanted

MAN: I meant after I died

DEMON: Not much, you start working for the big man, he assigns you a task, maybe it'll be this, maybe it'll be cleanup. Who knows.

MAN: what's heaven like?

DEMON: asking all the complicated questions are ya, MAN shrugs Heaven's okay, boring though, in my opinion. You just sit there in this garden drinking tea and eating tea cookies.

Silence again.

MAN: You came here to get my soul right? I wanted my girlfriend back?

DEMON: Yea that was it. Then you wasted my time.

MAN: I don't want her anymore.

DEMON: Well that's great! MAN rolls his eyes No really, I had a girlfriend way back when, broke my heart in two, that's why I'm here

MAN: Got her back though?

DEMON: Yea but it didn't last long, we had broken up for a reason.

MAN: That sucks

DEMON: Yea, waste of my soul

MAN: How long do you live after giving your soul?

DEMON: your whole life, I don't give you an ultimatum. Lucifer thought working a 9 to 5 job for eternity was punishment enough.

MAN: I see


DEMON: You don't want your girl any more, but since I'm here, anything you'd sell your soul for?

MAN: Can I bring people back from the dead?

DEMON: Well yea, but that's super rude, they're probably in eternal peace, might be pissed at you

MAN: Oh…

DEMON: How about wealth? You'd like that?

MAN: That's a bit cliché though isn't it?

DEMON: An oldie but goldie

MAN: I could ask for anything?

DEMON: Sure! But remember you've only got one wish, last year this guy asked for an excellent meal. Died a few months later, of malnutrition, he did not think far enough.

MAN: If I asked for money, does it need to come from somewhere or can it just materialize.

DEMON: that's a good question. I'm not sure actually. Usually, it works out, you could win these win an "x" dollars a month for the rest of your life type of lotteries

MAN: Doesn't winning the lottery ruin people's lives though.

DEMON: Sure, that's why Lucifer invented those, but with good handling you should be okay. It also depends on your family.

MAN: okay…

DEMON: thinking of something?

MAN: maybe

DEMON: well take your time


MAN: My family is dead, my girlfriend left me.

DEMON: there's lots I could work with here

MAN: I don't need extreme wealth, in fact I've got just about enough to move to the countryside

DEMON: is that so?

MAN: There's only one thing, my best friend, my dog is old now. He's sick and he hurts. Can you heal him? Make him live another few years?

DEMON: silent, thinking I could do that for you. Anything else?

MAN: I get more?

DEMON: just a small thing, I like you

MAN: thanks?

DEMON: It already took you a long time to decide what you wanted, how bout I throw a girl in your direction when you move?

MAN: You can do that?

DEMON: Well sure!

MAN: okay then, my dog's life and a new girl for my soul, seems reasonable.

DEMON: great! Let me just get the documents ready

He pulls out a long scroll of parchment paper from inside his coat, along with a feathered quill. As he hands it over to MAN it unrolls five feet in front of him

MAN: Should I read all of this?

DEMON: eh, who actually reads contracts anymore.

MAN: well if it's concerning my dog's health, I think I'm gonna read it.

DEMON: you're killing me, this is all mumbo jumbo, makes it that much more dramatic. He pulls out a single piece of paper

MAN:  he reads from the paper Do you___ agree to trade in your soul in exchange of ___. Is that really it? Somehow, I feel like I'm getting tricked

DEMON: That's just racist now. Not everyone hates humanity.

MAN: Sorry, sorry.

DEMON: Anyway, your wish will come to you within two to three business days, make sure your dog doesn't die within then

MAN: That doesn't sound too hard.

They both stand up and shake hands.

DEMON: you won't mind if I pop in once in a while to check up on ya will you?

MAN: Would it really matter if I answered yes?

DEMON: Not at all, but I like you, see you around.

He disappears, and the man is left alone, in a significantly better mood than earlier

© Copyright 2018 Teagan Osa. All rights reserved.

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