A Story of Bobs and Roberts

Reads: 175  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 2

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Yesterday News
A very, VERY confusing story composed of many Bobs and Roberts that all come from different times and dimensions.

Submitted: May 26, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 26, 2016

A A A

A A A


 

 

 

Robert named Bob

 

My name is Robert, but people usually just call me Bob. I’m here with a very dramatical story that may or may not melt your brains.

 

A few days ago, I was walking through the park, where I saw my best friend, Robert. His name was Bob, but everyone just called him Robert. He was walking his doge and so I ran up to him to say hi. But then he pulled out a rocket launcher. I backed away, but then I remembered - I’m the main character! I can’t die ye-.

 

-

Bob named Robert

 

Little did Bob know that it wasn’t a simple rocket launcher. I pulled the trigger of my gun and fired bananas at him. I saw him fall the the ground, covered with banana peels. Stupid Bob, I’m the main character, not him. I put my banana launcher away and continued to walk my doge. Bob’s not the main character of this story, my name is Robert, and I’M the main character.

 

-

Robert named Bob from the future

 

I peeked out from behind the cover of the trees - there he was, me. My name is Robert, but most people call me Bob. I’m from the future and I came back to warn my old self about Robert’s banana launcher. I saw myself laid out on the floor, covered with banana mush.

 

“Oh well, guess I was too late.” I exclaimed as I turned away and walked off. Suddenly, I had felt myself slip and fall through the air. Ow. I looked at the floor to see that I had stepped on a banana peel. But banana peels aren’t even that slippery! I tried to get up but then I realized that the floor was covered with potatoes.

 

-

Bob named Robert from the future

 

I held my potato gun to Bob’s head, ready to fire if he moved. My name is Bob, but most people call me Robert. I’m from the future and I came back to stop Bob from my time. He fell, he slipped on the potatoes, it wasn’t my plan but it worked anyways.

 

“Bob, you can’t change the past - you could kill yourself! Or worse, you could kill me, the one who’s still the main character!” Bob stood up and smacked the potato gun from my hand, making it fall to the gun. We both leapt towards it, but it just skidded further and further away.

 

“Robert, you don’t understand! If I don’t warn my past self about the banana launcher, then I won’t be alive!” I gave Bob a confused look.

 

“But Bob, if you won’t be alive because you didn’t warn him, then how are you even here to warn him?” He stared at the ground, contemplating how exactly this worked out. This is why you don’t mess with time travel kids. All of a sudden, another person emerged onto the scene.

-

Robert named Bob from another dimenson

 

“Bob!” I called out as I ran towards my other self. My name is Robert, but most people just call me Bob I had came here to explain to Bob exactly how Bob was still alive even though Bob wasn’t warned in the past about Robert. Bob and Robert both turned towards me and began to talk.

 

“Who are you now?” Robert asked lazily, getting a headache from all the Bobs.

 

“I’m Bob, from another dimension.” I explained as Bob began to talk.

 

“Wait so are you me from another dimension, or are you the Bob from this time from another dimension? Or are you Robert from another dimension? Or are you the Robert from this time from another dimension?” I sighed.

 

“I’m you from another dimension but I came here to tell you that I warned Bob about the thing in the first timeline, the one that caused you to be alive right now.” Robert put his hands up in the air.

 

“Wait, hold up. But then how are you alive then.” I shrugged.

 

“Obvious ain’t it? Banana Launchers are banned in my dimension.” Bob looked at me skeptically.

 

“But how do you know what happened to Bob if it didn’t even happen to Bob or me, Bob?” Before I could speak, Robert shook his head rapidly.

 

“First of all, could we clarify which Bob is which? This is getting really confusing for me and the writer.” Suddenly a voice called out from nowhere.

 

“ROBERT! No fourth wall breaking! That thing's expensive to replace all the time.” Bob and I looked everywhere in the sky for the source of the sound but there was nothing.

 

“But you’re the one who made me say it in the first place!” Robert shouted at the sky, looking crazy. “Anyways yeah, Bob numbering.” I placed my hand on my chin and thought.

 

“Okay, how about Bob from this time and dimension is Bob 1, I’m Bob 2, and you’re Bob 3.” I explained, while Bob 3 shook his head.

 

“No, no, no. Why are you Bob 2? That makes no sense.” I simply shrugged.

 

“Because second is the best, duh.” Bob 3 just waved his arms in the air like he was having a temper tantrum.

 

“But that means I’m the one with the hairy chest!” He whined. Robert put his hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down.

 

“It’s okay Bob, you can just be Bob 0!” He said, making Bob 0 instantly happier.

 

“Okay!” I sighed, finally we got that over with. Suddenly, I was knocked to the ground and felt something on top of me.

 

-

Bob named Robert from another dimension

 

I stumbled out of my portal and onto who knows what - I really haven’t gotten the hang of this yet. Now where did Bob go… according to the head of the Dimensional Identity Crisis Supporters, I’m the farceur - pretty official sounding right? Yeah I thought so. Anyways, how can I live up to my title if I can’t even track a single person. Oh yeah, did I mention? I’m Bob, but most people just call me Robert. I’m from another dimension and I’m supposed to be finding Bob who was skipping out on work!

 

“Ay, whoever’s on top of me right now can get the fridge off!” What? I looked down at my feet to see Bob. Oh there he is!

 

“Sorry mate.” I stated as I got off of his back. He brushed himself off before talking.

 

“So Robert, what are you doing here?” I tried to give him a sophisticated look but failed, which made me look plain awkward.

 

“Well you see, Mr. Richards made come and retrieve you since you were skipping out on work and because I’m his favourite farceur in the whole world!” Man, farceur is such a cool title. The Bobs and Robert looked at each other weirdly, what’s going on? I could hear whispering between all three of them as they did a group huddle.

 

“Should… should we break the news to him?” I heard one of them say.

 

“Yeah… he’s just so clueless.” Another one replied.

 

“But he enjoys it so much!” One argued.

 

“It’s okay, Bob 0, it’ll be fine.” They all turned towards me before one of the Bob’s put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry Robert, but farceur means a comedian - you’re pretty much just the company’s entertainment.” My jaw dropped and I fell to my knees. That couldn’t be true! I’m too awesome to be the entertainment! I curled up into in a corner while all of the Bobs looked at me, not knowing how to help.

 

“It’s okay Robert, you’re… funny I guess?” One of the Bobs said hesitantly, not sure if their comment was helping me or not. I jumped up and practically shined with happiness as I thought of the fact I was still hilarious.

 

“Yeah! I’m still stupid! Even if I am just a comedian.” All of the Bob’s gave me a confused look once again as I just sighed and explained my sentence. “I’m trying to say even though I’m dumb, I’m still funny.” I explained slowly, like all of these Bobs and Robert over there were babies. “What are you guys, idiots?”

 

“You know that stupid means du-” Bob 2 began to say until Robert clasped his hand over his mouth.

 

“Bob 2, let’s just drop the topic shall we?” Bob 2 slowly nodded as Robert removed his hand. I cleared my throat loudly, grabbing their attention.

 

“Anyways, Bob we gotta go!” I exasperated loudly, waving my arms in the air. Bob 0 just gave me an annoyed look while he crossed his arms.

 

“Actually Robert, we have to make sure Bob from this time and dimension doesn’t die, or else we’d mess up the timeline and Bob 2 over here would disappear and get obliterated. Bob 2 took a step back with his arms in front of him, looking like he was taken aback.

 

“Do you really have to use the term obliterated? Is that really necessary?” Bob 0 turned to him for a second,

 

“Yes,” before continuing his plan. “Anyways we need to make sure Bob doesn’t die-”

 

-

Robert named Bob

 

“Bleh.” I said outloud, signalling I was dead. I lay on the floor, looking at the crowd of Bobs and Roberts. I wonder if clouds taste like cotton candy… Wait no I’m supposed to be filled with revenge to kill my best friend Robert. I silently gasped - is this the start of my superhero story? Is it my destiny to become a man clad in tights and capes out to kill my best friend that betrayed me? Wait no I’m dead already whoops. “BLEH!” I said again, emphasizing the point that I was very, very dead. Oh yeah, do we get free potato motorcycles after we die-

 

-

Bob named Robert

 

I had to take the mic back, I’m the main character and I’ve had the least screen time out of everyone! I looked down at the ground and sighed. My doge had turned into a robot doge and ran away earlier, oh well. I gripped onto my banana launcher as I peered over at the group of people from behind my tree. They’re looking for me I bet - because I’m so important. Wait what don’t switch to their perspective! I need more screen time-

 

-

Robert named Bob from the future

 

“So anyways what does cotton candy taste like? Does it take like cotton or does it taste like candy? Those things taste really different - trust me, I know.” I questioned, for some reason thinking a lot about cotton candy.

 

“Dude… What if cotton candy doesn’t taste like cotton or candy!” Said Robert from the other dimension, blowing my mind.

 

“Whoa man, that’s intense.” Bob 0 sighed and shook his head.

 

“Maybe we should stop talking about cotton candy and get to the more important matter at hand?” Robert suggested as he gestured towards my almost non-existent legs. I just waved off Bob 0’s comment, not really paying attention.

 

“Don’t worry about it Bob 0, we do that later.” I paused for a second, as if I just noticed something was missing. “Wait, where’s the Robert from my time?”

 

“He left. He already did what he had to do - stop you from warning Bob 1 - and he got bored so he went away.” I thought about this for a second, so he went away - wait… ‘my non-existent legs’?

 

“WAIT! MR WRITER! WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY ‘MY NON-EXISTENT LEGS’?” I yelled up into the sky, getting a lot of weird looks from others in the park. A voice called down to me, not freaking out anyone because of writer power.

 

“Hey excuse me? ‘Mr’ writer? How do you know I’m not a girl? Or mayonnaise? And don’t you dare say mayonnaise isn’t a gender because if someone truly believes that they’re mayonnaise then they can be whatever the fadoodle they want.” I just awkwardly shuffled back a bit at the sudden outburst while Robert continued to suck on his thumb in the corner.

 

“Uh, I’m sorry?” I said hesitantly, not wanting to anger the writer because they could do something stupid like hang me off of a lamppost by my underwear.

 

“I was just joking about that whole things earlier, but good idea!” Suddenly, I was lifted by a mysterious force by the edge of my pink polka dotted underwear.

 

“H-HEY! I don’t wear polka dotted underwear!” I screamed as I was nearing the lamppost that appeared out of thin air.

 

“Well now you do - and you’ll like it too.” I was now hanging off of the lamppost, causing me to flail in the air.

 

“I’LL NEVER LIKE THIS UNDERWEAR! I -” All of a sudden I felt different, like I’ve seen things from a different point of view. “I’ll never like this underwear, how could I? I absolutely love them!” What was I arguing about before?

 

“Man that was some Illuminati mind-control shizzle right there.” Stated Bob 0 who seemed bewildered. Oh well. After a few seconds had passed I had realized that I was on the floor.

 

“Oh yeah right, you have ghost legs now… meaning you can’t be hung on to lampposts since underwear requires legs…” I considered that statement for a second before responding.

 

“Oh okay - WHAT WAIT!” I quickly glance at my legs to realize that I was indeed disappearing. “AHHHH WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!” I screamed while running.

 

“Wait, author person, how does he run without legs?” Questioned Bob 0. I could sense the magical force creating our world shrug.

 

“I dunno, with ghostly powers or something?” Bob 0 nodded, satisfied with the answer before asking something else.

 

“Wait… if underwear need legs… and he has no legs… does that mean he doesn’t have pants either?” I shrieked loudly like a girl while covering the area where things would normally be with my hands.

 

“Err… let’s say if he has ghost legs, he also gets ghost pants and ghost underwear.” I let out a sigh of relief while Bob 0 kept firing questions and plotholes.

 

“But if he had ghost underwear, why did he phase off of the pole?”

 

“Because… ghostly things phase through other things?” The author said, unsure of this themselves.

 

“But then would he phase through the world?” The sound of thunder sounded throughout the park, despite there being no storm clouds whatsoever.

 

“You know what? Just ignore that plot hole okay? Okay.” The writer seemed to be getting annoyed with all these questions about me and my underwear.


“How about we just continue where we left off? Let’s see…” I said, closing my eyes, ah I got it. “AHHHH WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” I continued to yell, picking up right where we left off.

 

“We’re not all going to die, only you.” Bob 0 blantly stated with his hands in his pockets.

 

“Oh okay - WAIT THAT’S STILL NOT GOOD!” I continued to freak out - why didn’t he tell me this earlier?”

 

“He did tell you this earlier you twighead! You were just too busy procrastinating to listen.” SHUT UP WRITER! Bob 0 seemed to be agreeing with them however, while Robert continued to watch the scene play out with awe.

 

“The author’s right you know? But at this point I’m sick of this - I’m leaving.” Bob 0 turned around, walked away, but tripped over Bob 1, getting a slight ‘ow’ from the both of them. He got up, dusted himself off, and went into a portal back to who knows where.

 

“Um, author? Are you trying to kill me?” I asked looking up, a bit concerned that the writer had left me with Robert, who was even more stupid than I am.

 

“Nah, I’m just trying to get rid of the characters to end the story because it’s 11:34 PM and I want to finish this. I mean really, I wanted to finish it at page 4 and now I’m at page 9!” The voice in the sky explained to us, with both me and Robert nodded to the explanation.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about but why am I nodding?” Robert said out loud, obviously confused.

 

“Because writer powers Robert, writer powers.” Robert continued to nod. I didn’t know if it was because he understood my explanation or because the author’s making him, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.

 

-

Bob named Robert from another dimension

 

So uh, what did we have to do again? I think we needed to eliminate this Robert guy and bring this other guy back to life. Oh hey look a butterfly! I began to walk towards the butterfly but I was stopped by someone grabbing my collar.

 

“C’mon Robert, I’m dying here - literally!” He pleaded, begging for me to help him find Robert.

 

“Alright fine.” I reluctantly agreed, despite the fact I just wanted to laze around. After about 3 seconds of searching, I stumbled upon something - like actually stumbled upon it. I tripped over the leg and frantically fell face first into the dirt.

 

“Oh hey, good job! You found Robert!” Bob 2 congratulated while not paying attention to me.

 

“Ow you stepped on my head.” I mumbled incoherently into the dirt as Bob 2 continued to keep his foot planted on my head. I stole a peek at the other Robert after Bob 2 removed his foot from my face.

 

“No way… he fell asleep?” I asked completely dumbfounded.

 

“Yeah… maybe he waited too long for us to talk about him.” Bob 2 said, explaining probably what happened. There was an awkward silence as we stared at the sleeping Robert.

 

“... Now do we eat him?” I questioned Bob 2.

 

“No! Of course not!” Yelled Bob 2, utterly shocked. “Why would you even think that?” I simply shrugged.

 

“I’m hungry.” Bob 2 just sighed and focused on Robert. I looked at Bob 2 while trying to figure out what to do about the other Robert as well. “WAIT BOB,” I began to say shocked, “YOU’RE ONLY A HEAD!” At this point Bob 2 had ghostified in most parts of his body, leaving only a floating head.

 

“AHH! This is actually pretty cool…” Suddenly a robotic doge came barrelling at us, knocking both of us over, stealing the other Robert away, and riding off into the sunset.

 

-

Bob named Robert

 

Wait I have another part? YES MY TIME TO SHI-

 

-

Robert named Bob from the future

 

Well that was… sudden. At this point I was fully invisible, which I’m perfectly cool with since I can now get all the free Subway I want.


“Now what?” I asked Robert, hoping he’d know what’d happen next.

 

“I don’t know.” He bluntly stated, shrugging his shoulders.

 

“Hi guys.” We both snapped around to see the source of the new voice. To our surprise it was Bob 1, the one that err… ‘died’ earlier.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be dead?” I asked him, to which he returned with a look that said ‘I dunno.’

 

“I dunno, I found this ring next to me and I think it brought me back to life even though you’re still a ghost.” Bob 1 handed me the ring, and I wore it, making me instantly turn visible.

 

“Whoa… an uninvisibility ring.” I mutter as I gaze at the ring with awe. An awkward silence occurred, composed of me observing the ring, Bob 1 whistle with his hands in his pockets, and Robert tapping his foot.

 

“So…” Robert began to say, trying to break the silence.

 

“I want Taco Bell.” Bob 1 stated randomly, which I responded with taking off my ring, turning me invisible again.

 

“Well then, want some free Taco Bell?”

 

And so we all walked towards the direction of the Taco Bell, with me leading everyone there since they don’t know the directions.

 

“BOB 2, WE LOST YOU AGAIN!”  


Oh boy.

 

 


© Copyright 2017 BrosterToaster. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

Comments

avatar

Author
Reply