Not Alone

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
this is a short story of how sometimes things turn out the opposite of the way you expected at the least likely moment...

Submitted: May 29, 2016

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Submitted: May 29, 2016

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Pre note: So first of all thank you for reading this. It isn’t something exceptional just kind of came to me and I felt like sharing since it reminded me of someone important to me. I would like to say I am not advocating any religions, pro or anti anything, not promoting any faiths, beliefs or anything. To those who do or do not believe in faith, fate, love, others any form of anything…I believe it is your own choices and I am not trying to change anyone. Just wanted people to see this as sometimes when you are at your lowest and ready to give up, there may be something or someone to pull you through. We all have those days and just so you know…you are not alone. Inspired by You Are Not Alone by Owl City. I think it has a great affect listening to this song with this piece. And if anyone is offended or disagrees with this piece, I would like to offer my deepest apologies for offending you and let you know that was never my intent. I appreciate any criticism good or bad as long as it’s honest.

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People have always told me that fate exists. I used to laugh in their faces and tell them they had no idea what they were talking about, how stupid they could be to think there was anything in store for us. I would just walk away shaking my head. After all I had been through, I knew better than to believe that nonsense…I had me and me alone…everyone else would hurt you and you could only rely on you…everyone else would hurt you and ruin you whenever you gave them a chance to. I had learned that enough times. Yes, I could honestly say a part of me would laugh at their naivety and yet, a part of me wished I still had that. I was sure of I, fate didn’t exist…at least I thought so. Until that one December day…

It was snowing as I looked outside. This was my favorite weather, the cold whipping your face and encompassing you, the snowflakes drifting around, giving an ethereal effect. Yes my favorite season of all. So very beautiful it could cheer me up out of anything going on. And yet, as I looked around, hoping for that feeling of relief, there was nothing, nothing at all.

I had walked out onto the street without even a coat, only a thin shirt on and jeans…it was freezing and I couldn’t feel anything. It was too much at this point: the stress, the pain, the heart ache…all at once. People say things happen in 3s but for me it was in like 100s. Everywhere I turned in my life everything was going wrong. My work, my love life, my family, my home life… the list went on and on. I was strong when everyone needed me to be but today was the last straw, the last good thing was broken. What scared me wasn’t the pain, I had dealt with that and the hurt had become normal but I was empty…completely. I just didn’t care anymore…I couldn’t do this anymore. There was no fate, no hope just pain and I literally felt…nothing, just completely empty.

So I left walking in the cold streets of downtown. No one noticed as I passed, people tucked into their winter apparel as the snowflakes hit their cheeks, wind howling around them. Some looked at me with sad eyes as they figured I must be freezing, but I didn’t even notice. As I walked, I had no idea where I was going…my mind was completely blank like my heart. It had been shredding so badly there were only torn strips left behind. The cold hitting my face was the only reminder I was still alive and I needed to breathe in and out, as the cold air entered by lungs over and over.

I wandered around trying to remember to breathe. I stared at the sky getting darker and the store lights shimmering. I watched people walk by, with purpose, love, determination, happiness and peace. A tear fell as I realized I wasn’t capable of feeling any of that any more. I literally had nothing inside of me…I didn’t even exist…people couldn’t even see me. And I was glad because no matter what happened it wouldn’t matter to anyone. Which didn’t surprise me, nothing did any more. At least there was pain but now just plain emptiness as I realized I really was completely alone. Everything and everyone was a lie, I was never worth anything to them and I knew they would all be fine without me. Nothing mattered, least of all me. I kept walking as it got darker and my legs kept moving street to street when people moved barely watching the lights and seeing how life just keeps moving. Even without me. People dressed nicely on their way back from work tired and frustrated or excited for a night out. I put in my headphones not really hearing anything just tuning out the Christmas carols playing.

My feet kept carrying me forward even as my chest started to tighten. My mouth was dry. Too many hours without water and how many days since I ate? I didn’t even know or care. I just didn’t feel like it. I stopped watching lights or signs as I walked, just trying to not let my mind try to save me. There was no point – I knew it would happen eventually. I was told I was too naïve, I let people take advantage. And it was true. I would do anything for anyone else only to learn they would never be there for me when I needed them. People only know what you tell them and honestly it’s so easy to hide the truth. To be completely broken and no one be able to notice It made me want to laugh lifelessly; oh I hid it so well. They always said how happy I was when it was really just a cover for every part of me dying. And they didn’t even have a clue. But I didn’t want them to, they needed to just forget me and move on.

My hands were becoming numb as the warmth of a single tear fell. I was surprised any were left. I was sure they all had been emptied earlier. I had nothing left to give – no words, no tears, not even pain and sympathy. It was all enough. The night was getting dark and I came to a busy street and I had been contemplating whether to cross on a red or green light for the last few. This time I didn’t even look up, whatever happened was whatever. My only thought was hopefully the driver doesn’t stop and it doesn’t affect his or her life. Just let it happen. As everyone was in perfect line on the sidewalk, I continued. This was it as I walked forward. The bright lights came and a horn but I didn’t turn just sighed with relief. It was over now.

When an arm yanked my body back hard. I hit the concrete as an arm went under my head making sure it didn’t hit the floor. I opened my eyes seeing the top of one of the old churches I used to walk by as people started to move. My eyes open more to the angry face above mine, mixed with worry.

“What the hell woman?!??!! Are you okay? You damn near got killed!”

I just stared at him, His hair was a mess, his eyes glaring, his nostrils flared and his tie askew.

“What were you thinking? I noticed you a street or two ago. All day I wanted to just go home and then I saw you and I just…I just couldn’t leave you. You looked…so freaking alone. I tried to catch up to you and then I barely catch you before that bus hit you. Are you even listening?!?”

One of my headphone was still in and I noticed “You’re Not Alone “ was playing on repeat. I looked up at the sky, the snowflakes falling on us, the stars glimmering. I still hadn’t said a word to him and he seemed unsure what to do. A single tear drifted down my cheek.

I saw how cold he was as his cheeks were red and eyes tearing from the wind.

“You seem cold.”

He looked at me in wonder, not sure what to say especially since I was borderline blue myself. He shrugged. “A Little.”

Another tear fell as he whipped it away. I lay there as he got up and left. I just stared at the sky as I started to tear up.

He came back to my side, a cup of warm hot chocolate and a pretzel in his hand from the vendor. I was sure he had gone for good. He helped me sit up as people just walking past us. He took off his coat and put it around me. “But you seem colder.”

I looked at him, “You should go, thank you, I will pay you back. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

He shook his head and smiled, “I am not leaving you, You are not alone.”

I cocked my head and stared at him confused. “Why are you doing this? I am nothing to you, you don’t have to put up with this. You can go on with your life and just forget this.”

He led me to a bench and sat down next to me putting his scarf around me as he stared.

He sighed deep. “I could. And truth is, I don’t know why. I just saw you and I thought she needs someone. I just had to at least see you and say hi.

For some reason I feel I was meant to meet you here and now, and I was glad I did. I am not just leaving you like this.”

I looked at him. “I could be some psycho killer, some criminal, some crazy person…”

He shrugged. “Maybe…but the moment I saw you, I needed to know. I just needed to know you.” He shrugged. “Maybe we were meant to meet this way.”

I was shaking as the tears fell.

He hugged me close. “I know you don’t know me but whatever it is, it will pass. You will get through this. And know this, you are never alone. I am here with you. ”

I started to cry, feeling like an idiot in front of a stranger who just held me. But as I looked up, the Christmas tree in front of the church lit up as I stared at him. Realizing I felt that pain and hurt which sucked, but he broke me of that emptiness. And as he smiled, I realized my heart was feeling a little something…it felt like hope…that he was right.

He helped me get back home. He gave me his number to talk. Another day we met for me to return his coat. We started talking almost every day.

And he was right, one by one things did end up working out. Things fixed themselves. Not the way I originally intended or I thought they would, but still in a good direction.

We started hanging out and he and I would laugh and joke around more and more. The diner by the vendor across from that church became our usual hang out spot.

One day he stopped at the point where he had pulled me back. He looked at me seriously. “I am glad I saved you that day.”

I hugged him tight as I smiled a little. “I didn’t think I would be, but I am glad you did too.”

I laid my head on his chest. “You saved me in more than one way.”

He lifted up my chin and kissed me for the first time in a moment that felt like our souls had finally met. I had never experienced anything like it before. We were interrupted by being startled by the church bells. We both looked up at them before laughing.

He held my hand as we walked off.

Years later, after we have been married and are moving out of the city I look back at that spot from our apartment building. We wanted the baby to have a life outside of the city so we were getting a house. But he comes up behind me holding me and I see that spot and silently say my thank yous that things didn’t go the way I wanted them to that day.

And now, I never laugh at those people who believe in fate and love and that things were meant to happen. Because maybe I have now lost my naivety and have come realize the truth, maybe they are right. Maybe it hurts to be vulnerable, to feel when everything is falling apart around us and hope when we are sure there is nothing left. But maybe we need to remember when we feel like we have absolutely no one in those dark times, we are never alone.


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