The Donahues Episode 244

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan runs for City Council, Ryan meets Catherine's friends and family and Madeline and Peter present a plan for their cryotherapy clinic to investors.

Submitted: May 29, 2016

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Submitted: May 29, 2016









“Because when the smack begins to flow, I really don’t care anymore, about all the jim-jims in this town, and all the politicians making crazy sounds, and everybody putting everybody else down, and all the bodies piled up in mounds”

  • Lou Reed


(We start with Ethan watching the news on TV in his apartment. Richard Stovall is reading the news, next to a graphic depicting the Nevada Democratic convention chaos)


RICHARD: The Nevada Democratic convention erupted into mass chaos a week ago, when Sanders supporters objected to rule changes made during the delegate apportionment process, and became enraged when they found out sixty Sanders delegates had not been allowed into the convention because their party affiliation had somehow been switched to Republican. In response, Sanders supporters began to throw chairs at the convention.


QUINN: Well, actually, Richard, they didn’t-


RICHARD: They threw chairs.


QUINN: That’s not true, there’s no evidence that ever happened-


RICHARD: They threw chairs at Barbara Boxer, Quinn, you can’t deny that.


QUINN: Yes, I absolutely can-


RICHARD: She said she feared for her life, did she not?


QUINN: Yes, but I think her life would’ve been ended by people throwing chairs at her so I don’t think that happened-I KNOW that didn’t happen-


RICHARD: Maybe they flew past her?


QUINN: But there’s no evidence of that! All they have is footage of one guy picking up a chair, and then putting it down!


RICHARD: Barbara Boxer had to deflect chairs with her karate skills, and that’s a fact, Quinn.


QUINN: Barbara Boxer is seventy-five years old! All people were doing was yelling at her!

RICHARD: Very loudly.


QUINN: Yeah, well, you got them there. They were, unkind.


RICHARD: It was like watching The Rape of Nanking.


QUINN: Holy hell, no it wasn’t.


RICHARD: Senator Sanders didn’t even condemn the violence!


QUINN: First of all, there WAS no violence, the only person who got arrested for assaulting someone at that convention was a Hillary supporter, second of all, Senator Sanders DID condemn any violence.


RICHARD: That didn’t satisfy Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Quinn.


QUINN: Yeah, I wonder why. She scheduled all the debates at like 8pm Moscow standard time on Saturday nights when no one is watching, she literally cut Bernie Sanders off from accessing voter data because of improper use by one guy that they fired and also, she straight-up fundraised for Clinton! This whole system is rigged- (A producer pulls Quinn’s chair away from the desk) Wait?! What is going on?! I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!!


(Quinn’s audio cuts out, and Richard turns to the camera)


RICHARD: In other news, a cute puppy became Mayor for a day today.


(Cut back to Ethan watching the news)


ETHAN: Man. I’ve only been a Democrat for three weeks and my party is already falling apart. Oh, Democratic Party. I hardly knew ye. Or, liked ye. I was kind of forced into ye. (Someone knocks at the door) Come in! (A man in a blue suit, buttoned down dress shirt, and sunglasses comes in with a suitcase and sits down across from Ethan) Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Nelson.


NELSON: (Smoky voice) It’s no problem, buddy. I was gonna ask Brian if he needed help with re-election this year, and then I found out he was dead.


ETHAN: You didn’t know that until now?


NELSON: I don’t keep up with clients after I’m done with them. Until they need me again, that is. I don’t keep people close. It’s a problem. Anyway, you need some advice, I hear?


ETHAN: Yes. I’m itching to get back in the game.


NELSON: What game? The Russian prostitution game?


ETHAN: No-what did you hear about my time in Russia?


NELSON: A lot of things, buddy.


ETHAN: Was I at least a pimp and not a hoe?


NELSON: What game?


ETHAN: Politics. I want to run for city council. Nobody’s running against Councilman Deters and I think I’m the man for the job.


NELSON: You? Ethan Donahue? Come on. You have more baggage than that guy I got elected Mayor of New Haven who had sex with his sister.


ETHAN: But, you got him elected, right?


NELSON: Yeah, because no one found out. Now they just call her “first lady of New Haven”.


ETHAN: Ugh. No, Nelson, you don’t understand, the RNC approached me to convince Vermont delegates to vote for Ted Cruz on the second ballot at the convention in Cleveland.


NELSON: Yeah, well that worked out great.


ETHAN: Of course, it fell apart once Cruz dropped out, but the fact remains they had trust in me! And they did opinion polling that shows people don’t mind me! They like that I stole that money to stop Sarandon’s insane Olympic ambitions.


NELSON: You really think you can win?


ETHAN: I do. I mean, Donald Trump is neck-and-neck in the polls with Hillary Clinton right now, so that proves anything is possible.


NELSON: But, they uncovered that interview where he said he “hopes” there’s a housing collapse, so he may be in trouble.


ETHAN: But is he, though?


NELSON: ...Yeah, why would he be?


ETHAN: Exactly. “I’m just a bidness man! I would burn your house down personally if it made me another buck! That’s what we do! Next question!”


NELSON: …So you want me to manage this campaign?


ETHAN: Yes. When should I announce?


NELSON: Have you filed paperwork?


ETHAN: Yes, I already have. I’ve been convinced about doing this for a few days now.


NELSON: Are you running as a Republican?




NELSON: Okay, who are you voting for?


ETHAN: Publically? I’m voting for Gary Johnson. Privately though, I’m voting for Hillary Clinton.


NELSON: Good choice. But still, running as a Republican is going to put you at risk of being associated with Trump. So be sure to surround yourself with a bunch of minorities and women when you announce.


ETHAN: Got it. Should Fiona be there? Or should some Latina girl pretend to be my girlfriend?


NELSON: Uhhh, probably not-


ETHAN: You’re right, you’re right, authenticity is important. Shit. It’s a good thing I’m not dating Vitenka anymore. Nothing like dating a Russian girl to make me seem Trump-esque.




(Cut to Ethan behind a podium in a hotel ballroom. A multitude of reporters stand before the podium, and Fiona is standing beside him wearing a dress and sipping from a Starbucks drink. Numerous minorities and women are standing behind Ethan. Norman is also behind Ethan. On the front of his podium, it says “Donahue 2016- Seize The Opportunity”)


ETHAN: I am so very flattered that all of you came here today for this very important announcement. No, I am not running a third party candidacy for President.  (The audience laughs. Cut to the back of the room, where a bunch of rednecks holding “TRUMP 2016- ETHAN DONAHOO IS A LOOZER!!” signs sigh, look at each other and leave. Cut back to Ethan) I am instead announcing my candidacy for a seat in the city council here in Hansbay. (The people behind Ethan applaud) Thank you. My numerous minority friends, ladies and gentlemen. (Ethan applauds, as does the audience) I am challenging Councilman Deters because I believe I have a better vision for the future of Hansbay. Since Mayor Alexander took office, we’ve been heading down the wrong road. For instance, he actively campaigned for the destruction of a park on Plaza street because it’s the playground where his one of his old girlfriends broke up with him. That’s not leadership. That’s…I honestly don’t even know how to describe that. So, we need leadership, and I can provide that leadership. I’m not some bitter, jealous, paranoid Hansbay politician like Evan Alexander. I’m a businessman too. Me and my business partner Norman Sanford have been selling vending machines to businesses all around New England. I can bring that business acumen to the city council.


(A young child in the crowd sits up)


YOUNG CHILD: That makes no sense!

ETHAN: Quiet, child. Now, I understand some of you may have trust issues with me. But trust me on this, I have always acted in the best interests of this city. And together, we can banish sex ed from our schools and replace it with stork-based education. We can teach alternative theories to the development of mankind, alongside evolution, such as, the “mankind came from a stork” theory, which is one I’m working on right now. We can put spikes on our stop signs to keep teenagers from stealing them. We can further gentrify our community if we really believe in ourselves, and we can make sure the life guard at our public pool actually starts showing up. Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the city of Hansbay.


(People applaud as Ethan goes to kiss his wife. Cut to Richard Stovall behind his news desk, speaking to the camera)


RICHARD: Recently, former Mayor and former Sarandon staffer Ethan Donahue announced his candidacy for the city council. Can he actually beat longtime councilman Greg Deters? This impartial reporter says no. Here to tell us is Ethan Donahue. (Richard turns to Ethan and Fiona, who are sitting at the desk with him) Oh. And Fiona’s here.


FIONA: That’s right, Richard. I’m here.


RICHARD: You look better.


FIONA: Way better than you.


ETHAN: Okay, let’s simmer down.


RICHARD: So, Ethan, what makes you think you can defeat Councilman Deters?


ETHAN: Well, Councilman Deters has been derelict in his duties for years. His main job is being the leader of a biker gang-


RICHARD: Biker club. Just a fun group of middle-aged motorcycle enthusiasts.


ETHAN: Well, it’s not a very professional look for a public servant.


FIONA: What happened to the new bitch, by the way?


ETHAN: Fiona.


FIONA: Sorry, the new girl that replaced me?


RICHARD: She…left. On her own fruition.


ETHAN: Man, it happened on live TV, why are you even trying?


RICHARD: Speaking of trying, how would you TRY to address the stray dog problem in Hansbay as city councilor?


ETHAN: Well, we should replace our current dog-catcher, who is Mayor Alexander’s college roommate, with someone qualified for the position. I would gladly vote to approve someone like that.

RICHARD: Well, if you’re so passionate about this problem, why don’t you go and take matters into your own hands and catch the dogs yourself?


ETHAN: …Because that’s not my job?


RICHARD: Well, there you have it folks- (Richard turns to the camera) city council candidate Ethan Donahue is not willing to go the extra mile to help the people of Hansbay and this impartial reporter thinks that’s pretty damn selfish.


ETHAN: Hey! Hold on a second! First of all, you’re incredibly partial! So don’t even pretend like you’re not!


RICHARD: How dare you besmirch my character like that.


ETHAN: Secondly, fine. I will catch some dogs. Because I care about the people of this city and my mom always said, if you can’t-if someone won’t do something, then you-uhhh, it’s-you’re better off doing it yourself-if you want something done-


(Cut to Ryan and Catherine sitting on the couch in Catherine’s living room. Ryan is looking at his phone)


RYAN: Damn. A missing plane AND a presidential election at the same time? CNN must be skeeting in their drawers.


CATHERINE: It’s easy money.


RYAN: Apparently it might be terrorism though.


CATHERINE: Even better. (Ryan looks at Catherine) For them.


RYAN: Right.


CATHERINE: So listen, when my friends and family get here, just know some things. Some of my friends can be a little much. Just one of them, really.


RYAN: Trust me, if you ever met any of my friends, I’d have to put disclaimers on all of them.


CATHERINE: Okay, well, I’ll just tell you, it’s Connor.


RYAN: Oh God, all you had to tell me was his name.


(The doorbell rings)


CATHERINE: Here we go.


(Ryan stands up. Catherine goes over and opens the door to see Catherine’s mom and dad)


CATHERINE’S MOM: Cathy! Come here!



(Catherine hugs her mom)


CATHERINE’S MOM: Happy Graduation, honey.


RYAN: Cathy?


(Catherine lets go of her mom and then hugs her dad)


CATHERINE: Good to see you, dad.


CATHERINE’S DAD: We should’ve had this party at our house, I could’ve shown everyone the bunker.


(Catherine lets go of her dad)


CATHERINE: Maybe another time, dad.


CATHERINE’S MOM: And who’s this?


RYAN: Hi, I’m Ryan.


(Ryan extends his hand)


CATHERINE’S MOM: Are you tutoring this young man?


CATHERINE: Mom, this is my friend Ryan. Shake his hand.


CATHERINE’S MOM: Oh, of course, I’m sorry, I’m Elizabeth Jones, Cathy’s mom.


(Elizabeth shakes Ryan’s hand)


RYAN: I wasn’t aware people called her Cathy, I’ve always just called her Catherine.


ELIZABETH: Oh, really? Cathy, aren’t you a little too old to be reinventing yourself in college?




RYAN: Oh, and nice to meet you, sir.


(Catherine’s dad shakes Ryan’s hand)


CATHERINE’S DAD: Hi, Ryan, I’m Paul. What’s your major at SUNY Plattsburgh, by the way?


RYAN: Oh, my major is-


(Some dude in a plaid shirt and his girlfriend come in)


GUY: Where the hoes at?! (The guy laughs) I’m just kidding, what’s up, Liz? Paul?


ELIZABETH: Hello, Connor. Marissa.


PAUL: Hi, Connor. Hi, Marissa.


CONNOR: Where’s the booze?


CATHERINE: It’s on the counter.


(Connor points to Ryan)


CONNOR: Is this one drinking age?


RYAN: Actually, I’m not, not for another few weeks.


(Connor laughs)


CONNOR: What a pussy. Okay, I’m gonna go get a whiskey sour.


(Connor walks away. Cut to Ryan, Connor, Catherine, Marissa and Catherine’s grandma in a circle, speaking. Most of them are holding beers, or alcoholic drinks. Catherine, however, is holding a plate with finger food on it. There are more people at the party now)


CONNOR: So, Marissa and I were in New York City, right? You know how there’s homeless people there?






RYAN: What?


CONNOR: You know how there’s homeless people in New York City?


RYAN: …Yes.


CONNOR: Okay, just making sure we’re all on the same page.


RYAN: ‘Kay.


CONNOR: So, Marissa and I were in a bad part of town, and this homeless man comes up to us, so I turn to him and I’m like “sorry, what we’re talking about right now is way more important than whatever you’re going to tell us”. So then he gets pissed off, he’s like “nigga, I will kill you!”




(Everybody, except the grandma, look uncomfortable)


CONNOR: “I’m gonna beat the shit out you” and all this stuff, so I just take out my wallet and I’m like “sorry, man, did you want some money”? And then he was like “oh, yeah, I would like some”. And I was like “bitch! You just said you were gonna KILL me! Now you want me to give you money?!” and he’s like “man, you a pussy!” And I was like “dude, I get more pussy than you’ve EVER gotten, you smell like shit!”


RYAN: Wow, you really blew up at this guy-


CONNOR: “When’s the last time you showered? No wonder you get no pussy!”


GRANDMA BOWIE: Why is he yelling at us?


CATHERINE: He’s not yelling at us, grandma, he’s yelling at a homeless man from the past.


CONNOR: It was crazy, Marissa was dying.


MARISSA: I was not.


CATHERINE: Please try not to get you and your girlfriend killed in New York City.


(They laugh. Catherine turns around as they continue talking, and begins emptying her plate into a trash can, while staring at Ryan with widened eyes. Ryan nods. Cut to Madeline speaking with a receptionist at Cryo Self To Health. Madeline is wearing a suit)


MADELINE: Okay, I want you to practice how you should greet customers, okay?




MADELINE: Hello, I’d like to get an appointment, please.


RECEPTIONIST: Hi. Yeah, we have those here.


MADELINE: Okay, try to be a little more amped up about it, okay?




MADELINE: …So I guess we’ll start over. Hi, I’m here to-




MADELINE: What is that?


RECEPTIONIST: It’s something young people do. You wouldn’t understand.


MADELINE: I am-okay, I’m only twenty-two, so I’m pretty young, how old are you?




MADELINE: Dear God. You need to learn to respect the customers.


RECEPTIONIST: But this job is boring. And I deserve more pay for it.


(Peter comes over with a glowing tube of neon light in his hand)


PETER: She’s right. This place is unforgiving.


MADELINE: What is that? Plutonium?


PETER: Not even close. It’s neon. I’m going to bring it to an investor’s presentation so we can get money for a neon sign. That’ll attract so many damn customers. Believe me.


MADELINE: Come on, we have to stay within our budget and WHEN DID YOU GET A MEETING WITH INVESTORS?!


PETER: Oh yeah, two days ago. I forgot to tell you.


MADELINE: Asshole!  I would’ve prepared something!

PETER: Girl, I didn’t want you to stress out. You don’t want another one of those migraine headaches, do you?


MADELINE: No, but I want this business to succeed!

RECEPTIONIST: I haven’t seen a customer yet.


MADELINE: Hey, it’s only noon, Amanda.


AMANDA: It is? Damn, I should be on lunch.


(Amanda puts a sign on the desk that says “ON LUNCH BREAK” and leaves)


MADELINE: …Where did she get that sign?


PETER: You know teens are. She probably had someone make it for her. It’s the “gig” economy.


MADELINE: Well, regardless, I’m going to this investor’s meeting. I’ll, wing it.


PETER: Fine. Let’s go.


(Madeline and Peter leave the building. Ten seconds pass. A customer enters Cryo Self To Health)




(Cut to Peter and Madeline sitting outside a board room. Madeline is rubbing her temple)


MADELINE: Oh my God…


PETER: What? These investors aren’t that high up, they’re just a bunch of ex-friends of my mom.


MADELINE: It’s not that, I’m just, I have a migraine.


PETER: Damnit, Maddie! I told you!

MADELINE: Holy shit, stop yelling.


PETER: Oh, sorry. Do you want me to call an ambulance?


MADELINE: Ugggh…the meeting.


PETER: You can’t give a presentation while you have a pounding migraine, Maddie.


MADELINE: …Fine, call one.


(Peter takes out a flip phone)


PETER: Okay.


MADELINE: Oh my God, take my phone, I can’t stand looking at that thing.


(Madeline hands Peter her iPhone and Peter uses it to call 911. Cut to a bunch of investors in a board room. Peter enters holding a glowing tube of neon light)


PETER: Greetings.


INVESTOR: Hello, Peter.


PETER: Boy, do I have a heck of a presentation for you today.


INVESTOR: How’s your mother, Peter?


PETER: She’s good.


(The investors groan)


INVESTOR: Get to it.


PETER: Okay. So, we are a cryotherapy outfit in Providence, and we want to continue providing pain relief to thousands of people, through the medical miracle of freezing your body for a long period of time. Who here has chronic pain? (No one raises their hand) Wow. Okay. Uhhh, your age suggests otherwise, so let’s operate off the assumption that some of you are lying.


INVESTOR 2: You think we’re lying?


PETER: No, no, I don’t think you’re-oh God, listen, I’ll just skip that part of the pitch, uhhh, okay, you might be asking “Peter, there are tons of cryotherapy places in Rhode Island, what’s gonna attract people to your little business?” Well, I’ll tell you. I have a secret weapon. (Peter puts the neon tube on the table) Neon. We’re going to have the biggest, brightest neon sign you’ve EVER seen. All we need is your money to c-c-c-c-COOK it up. And I guarantee you, we’ll make millions. And you will see a return on your investment. This is my entire business plan.


(Peter sits down. One of the investors, who looks like he’s almost convinced, turns to another investor)


INVESTOR 3: So what do you think?


INVESTOR 4: …What do you mean “what do I think”? I think he should get the hell out of our boardroom.


INVESTOR 5: No one else is considering this, Craig.


(Cut to Ethan sitting in the passenger seat of a dog-catching truck, with a stubbly man at the wheel. They are both wearing dog-catcher uniforms. It is night time.)


NPR: Sources inside Congress reveal talk amongst Democratic lawmakers about removing Debbie Wasserman Schultz as the chairman of the Democratic National Committee in order to cultivate party unity between supporters of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Wasserman Schultz has widely been seen as biased towards Clinton during the primary process. One anonymous Democratic lawmaker said they were deciding on “the color of the plate they will deliver Debbie Wasserman Schultz’ head on”.


ETHAN: Jesus Christ. She rigged the primary for Hillary, and they repay her by literally beheading her? I know Hillary is ruthless, but I didn’t know she was Game of Thrones ruthless.


DOG CATCHER: Could we listen to something else?


ETHAN: Oh, right, sure. Sorry. What do you want?


DOG CATCHER: Some working class rock.


(Ethan turns the station to a station playing “Something From Nothing” by Foo Fighters)


ETHAN: I didn’t know “working class rock” was a term non-music press people used.


DOG CATCHER: Oh, we love it. You got a lot to learn about working class people, Mr. Donahue. We’re very complicated folk.


ETHAN: Good to know.


(The dog catcher takes a swig of Jack Daniels)


DOG CATCHER: You want some?


ETHAN: You should not be drinking on the job. Or while driving!


DOG CATCHER: You want me to vote for you or not?


ETHAN: Uggh. Give it here. (The dog catcher stops the van, Ethan takes a wig, and both him and Ethan jump out) By the way, I’m sorry I said you should be replaced. I mean, I still believe it, but I’m sorry.


DOG CATCHER: Oh, I think you’ll change your mind by day’s end.


ETHAN: How was Evan as a college roommate by the way?


DOG CATCHER: A nightmare. But, he had weed so I pretended to be his friend.


ETHAN: Yeah, I kind of expected that. Alright, let’s catch some dogs! What’s your name, by the way?


DOG CATCHER: Doug Casher.


ETHAN: No fucking way.


DOUG: That’s my name.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Just teach me how to catch dogs.


DOUG: Alright, take a net from the trunk.


ETHAN: Okay.


(Ethan opens the back doors of the van and grabs two nets. He gives one to Doug)


DOUG: Now, you take this side of the street, and I’ll take the other side.


ETHAN: Wait, hold on, that’s it? All we have is nets?


DOUG: The city council won’t appropriate any more money.


ETHAN: You’ve gotta be kidding. Maybe you’re not the problem at all.


DOUG: Meet me back at the van in twenty minutes and radio me if you have any problems.


ETHAN: Alright. (Ethan and Doug go their separate ways. Cut to Ethan walking down a back alley with his net. He sees a dog from behind, eating from a knocked over garbage bin) Hey! (The dog runs away) Damnit. Shouldn’t have announced myself. (Ethan runs after the dog, and he turns a corner to see it running away. He keeps running, but he trips over a grate, and falls to the ground) GODDAMNIT! (He gets up, and the dog is gone) Ugh. I hate being the working man. (He looks at his hands) Where can I get some moisturizer around here? (He puts his hands down) No. Focus up, Donahue. You’re a man. You can catch some stupid dog. (Ethan turn a corner and finds himself on a desolate street) Oh yeah, these are the slums of Hansbay. I remember Sarandon literally put money aside so we could have “slums”. (Ethan keeps walking, and stops for a second, because he hears rustling, and the sounds of eating. He looks down an alleyway and sees a homeless man eating out a garbage can) Oh, Jesus.


(The homeless man turns and looks at Ethan)


HOMELESS MAN: Oh, so you’re gonna judge me? You’re nothing but a dog catcher!

ETHAN: Trust me, if I had my way, we would be catching you guys too. (Ethan walks further down the alleyway, as the homeless man shakes his head and continues eating garbage. Ethan then turns a corner and sees the dog from earlier eating out of another garbage can. Ethan smiles and begins to sneak up on the dog, from behind, but the dog turns to Ethan and reveals it has the face of a human. A bearded human, with sad eyes. Ethan gasps) Whaaaa….


DOG: Leave me alone!


(The human-faced dog runs away. Ethan stands speechless)




(Ethan runs around the corner to see the dog eating from another trash can. He turns to Ethan again)


DOG: I am free to do whatever I please!

(The dog runs further away)


ETHAN: …What the fucking fuck.


(Cut to Ethan and Doug in the dog catching van. Ethan is looking out the window, traumatized)


DOUG: Wow, I rounded up four dogs and you got none. That’s embarrassing. (Ethan just shakes his head) See anything interesting out there?


ETHAN: Nope.


DOUG: …Alright then. What’s your tax plan by the way?


ETHAN: …Less.


(Doug nods his head. Cut to Ethan sitting in his apartment with Fiona and Nelson. Fiona is next to him on the couch while Nelson is sitting across from him)


NELSON: Yeah, you can’t tell that story to the voters.


ETHAN: I know I can’t! But how do I deal with it?! My whole perception of reality has been twisted! The only reason I didn’t pass out is because Donald Trump might be our next President and that kind of mentally prepared me for anything!


NELSON: Well, speaking of Trump, your opponent is using Trump’s strategy of dredging up old scandals to attack you.


(Nelson opens up his laptop and plays a YouTube video of Councilman Greg Deters at a campaign rally. Deters is a chubby, balding man wearing a leather jacket, dress shirt and red tie. He is standing behind a podium)


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Ethan Donahue pranced around as a dog catcher today! That’s funny because I don’t think he could get elected dog catcher in this city, he’s so distrusted! (The audience laughs) Dog-catcher is an elective position, right? Right? Somebody check on that.


ETHAN: No, no it isn’t, why does everybody think it is?


COUNCILMAN DETERS: People distrust him because-oh, I don’t know, he was put on trial for corruption three years ago!? (The people cheer) Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’ll do it! And by the way, some people don’t know about this, but in 2011, him and his son threw a postman they thought was dead into a ditch!  Yeah! Just like he’ll throw Hansbay into a ditch! (People cheer) Not to mention, he was dating a Russian girl at one point. Communism much?


(People cheer more. Nelson closes the laptop)


NELSON: You need to get out ahead of this. Or he’ll have your balls in a vice come November.


FIONA: Not my baby’s balls.


(Fiona grabs Ethan’s balls)


ETHAN: Not in front of Nelson, babe.


FIONA: I won’t let anyone hurt these.


ETHAN: Babe.


(Fiona releases Ethan’s balls)


NELSON: You need to throw the kitchen sink at him.


ETHAN: So, wait. He’s using Trump’s strategy of dredging up old scandals, like whitewater, Vince Foster and all the old Bill Clinton rape allegations?


NELSON: Yep. He’s definitely taking a cue from Trump’s playbook. ‘


ETHAN: Goddamnit. That makes ME Hillary Clinton.


NELSON: And the mailman Vince Foster, I guess. Listen, all we need to do is dig up some dirt on him.


ETHAN: Perfect, let’s do it!


(Ethan puts up his hand, expecting a high-five)


NELSON: Bad news about that.


ETHAN: What?


NELSON: I dug up some dirt on him.


(Nelson takes out a folder labeled “OPPO RESEARCH 2016” and puts it on the coffee table. Ethan puts his hand down)


ETHAN: Already?


NELSON: Yep. And here’s what I have. He may have bribed his way out of a traffic ticket at one point. And he once drunkenly dragged a homeless man over to a storm drain, and pushed him into it.


ETHAN: Shit.


NELSON: None of it’s usable. It’s really similar to stuff YOU’VE done too.


ETHAN: That way he can call it even. That’s why Bill Clinton can’t criticize Trump for his rape allegations, because he ALSO has rape allegations. Fuck, there are way too many rapists trying to get into the White House.


NELSON: Not to mention, Trump has ties to the mafia. And the Clinton Family IS a mafia.


ETHAN: And Trump has ties to the Clinton Family! For Christ’s sake! UGH! (Ethan stands up and walks over to the kitchen) What are we to do?!


NELSON: I don’t know. (Nelson looks out the window for a second. When he looks back, he sees Ethan rubbing his body against the wall) …Ethan.


ETHAN: What?


NELSON: I know what we have to do.


(Cut to Ryan speaking with some of Catherine’s aunts in the backyard of her farmhouse)


CATHERINE’S AUNT: So, Catherine tells me you have a band?


RYAN: Yeah. Kind of. We’ve been on and off. We released our last album in 2014.


CATHERINE’S AUNT: What kind of music do you play?


RYAN: Uhhh…rock.


CATHERINE’S AUNT: Like, working class rock?


RYAN: What-what is that?


CATHERINE’S OTHER AUNT: I think Penelope means like, Foo Fighters.


PENELOPE: Yes, Foo Fighters, thank you, Sharon.


RYAN: Uh, not really like them, it’s kind of a punk and metal thing. Like Melvins, or Converge, or-why do I expect you to know what these bands are?


PENELOPE: Oh, you don’t put enough faith in us. We can be hip too, we listen to Twenty-One pilots.


SHARON: So, Ryan, what do you like most about college?


RYAN: I don’t know. Catherine, I guess.


SHARON: But besides that.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: I don’t know, it’s all pretty mundane. I don’t even know why I’m there. I’ve never been able to do anything right because I don’t actually care about what I’m doing, I’m just kind of, supposed to be there.


PENELOPE: Don’t you have friends there?


RYAN: Yeah. But most of the people there don’t really give a shit about me. They’re just looking for the first excuse to stop talking to me. Probably like you guys are right now.


SHARON: What? We’re not-


RYAN: I know, I was kidding.


PENELOPE: But you’re not smiling?


RYAN: I know, I don’t have to be. That’s another thing people at college don’t get. Just because I’m not smiling doesn’t mean something’s wrong. I mean, something usually is, but that doesn’t mean I want to talk to them about it. Let me ask you, do you keep in touch with your friends from high school?


SHARON: Most of them are dead.


RYAN: My friends from high school don’t even give a shit that I’m staying in New York for the summer. No texts, no calls, no anything. Nobody really gives a shit about me except for Catherine.


PENELOPE: Oh. Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Uh, Sharon, I think the brownies are probably done.


SHARON: Yes, we should go check on those.


RYAN: Okay, nice talking.


(Ryan smiles, as Sharon and Penelope quickly leave. Cut to Ryan sitting on the couch, later that night, Ryan is smoking a bowl while watching Princess Mononoke on his laptop, which is on the coffee table. Catherine comes in wearing an apron)




(Ryan exhales smoke, and coughs a bit)


RYAN: What’s up?


CATHERINE: Don’t bother helping me clean up or anything.


RYAN: Oh, sorry. (Ryan pauses the movie, puts down the bowl and stands up) I’m just so tired from today.


CATHERINE: Yeah, well, Uncle Riley threw cupcake wrappers all over the floor because he says they are “biodegradable” so I have a lot of cleaning up to do.


RYAN: Yeah, what a mess. Especially Connor by the way. (Ryan walks over to the pantry and pulls out a trash bag) You were right about him; he was too much.


CATHERINE: Yeah, HE was too much.


(Catherine starts sweeping up crumbs into a dust pan)


RYAN: …Yeah, HE was too much.


(Catherine turns to Ryan)


CATHERINE: Ryan, you were too much.


RYAN: What do you mean?


CATHERINE: Aunt Penelope and Aunt Sharon wanted me to put you on suicide watch.


RYAN: What?


CATHERINE: They said you unloaded this emotional tirade on them?!


RYAN: Oh. I mean, I confided a bit, but I don’t know if I would call it a tirade-


CATHERINE: They said you said your friends from high school “don’t give a shit” about you?


RYAN: …Okay, yeah, I guess I see how that could be considered too personal.


CATHERINE: Ryan, if you want to vent about how much life sucks-and it does suck-


RYAN: Amen.


CATHERINE: Then please do it to me, there’s nothing I’d like more, the only thing I like more than listening to people complain is complaining myself.


RYAN: Right.


CATHERINE: But don’t scare my poor old aunts! Their lives were much harder than yours.


RYAN: Doubt it.




RYAN: Sorry. (Ryan walks over to Catherine) I’m sorry, okay? I just talk to people like that, and to be honest, I feel comfortable around your family.


CATHERINE: Well, that’s good. And with two big exceptions, they feel the same way around you.


RYAN: Well, good. I’m glad the age difference wasn’t too big of a concern.


CATHERINE: No, it was.


RYAN: It was? With who?


CATHERINE: My parents were very concerned that I’m friends with a 14-year old.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Yeah, Connor should put that story in his book.


(Catherine smirks)


CATHERINE: Give me a hit off that bowl and then we can get back to cleaning.


RYAN: Yes, ma’am.


(Ryan goes over and grabs the bowl and lighter. He goes over lights the bowl for Catherine, who then takes a hit off it)


CATHERINE: Shit, what is this?


RYAN: It’s called ditchweed.


CATHERINE: Really? It seems great.


RYAN: No, it’s called ditchweed, but there’s an umlaut above the first E, so it’s considered really good. Shipped from Germany.




RYAN: Oh, you know what would go great with this? Are there any brownies left?


CATHERINE: ...What brownies?


(Cut to Madeline sitting in a hospital bed. A female doctor is standing beside her, looking over her chart)


DOCTOR: I’m sorry, sir, I’m afraid to inform you that you have elephantitis.


MADELINE: I think you should be talking to the patient on the other side of that curtain.


DOCTOR: You’re probably right.


(The doctor turns to the curtain behind her. You can see the silhouette of a horrendously deformed head behind the curtain. The doctor goes behind the curtain. Another doctor walks over to Madeline)


DOCTOR 2: You’re Madeline Donahue, right?


MADELINE: Yes, Doctor.


DOCTOR 2: I’m Doctor Walford, I see- (He looks at her clipboard) here you had a severe migraine?

MADELINE: Yes. It’s starting to feel better now but it’s still really painful.


DOCTOR WALFORD: Yeah, that’s probably the imitrex we gave you.


MADELINE: Could I get some more?


DOCTOR WALFORD: No, not for another twelve hours at least.


MADELINE: But isn’t your job as a doctor to keep giving me medicine until I feel new again?


(Doctor Walford closes his clipboard)


DOCTOR WALFORD: …You know what, young lady? You just gave me a whole lot to think about.


(Cut to Doctor Walford sitting on a bench on a hill watching a sunset while beautiful music plays. Cut to Doctor Walford paddling a canew on a river. Cut to Doctor Walford riding a mountain bike in a forest. Cut to Doctor Walford swimming in the Atlantic Ocean. Cut to Doctor Walford walking over to Madeline’s hospital bed as the music stops)




DOCTOR WALFORD: No, we should still just wait.


MADELINE: Goddamnit.


DOCTOR WALFORD: We’re gonna release you, but we suspect the migraine may be due to stress, so maybe take it easy for a day or two.


MADELINE: I know exactly where I need to go to take it easy. I need to go back to the womb.


(Cut to Madeline lying in her bed at the Donahue household. Kimberly is in her room, vacuuming)






(Kimberly turns off the vacuum)


KIMBERLY: What’s wrong, honey?


MADELINE: I have a headache. And remember, I was just in the hospital for a migraine. So the noise is not helping.


KIMBERLY: Neither will a dirty carpet.


MADELINE: Jesus, why did I think coming home was a good idea?


KIMBERLY: Why is that I don’t get migraines?


MADELINE: I don’t know, mom.




MADELINE: Okay, then why’d you ask me?


KIMBERLY: It’s because I’m highly evolved.




KIMBERLY: My Doctor said I’m extremely healthy for a forty-eight-year-old, menopausal woman.


MADELINE: You’re menopausal?




(Kimberly laughs maniacally)




KIMBERLY: One of the reasons I’m so healthy is, I’ve been doing this cryotherapy thing, have you ever heard of this?


MADELINE: Yes, mom! I run a cryotherapy center!


KIMBERLY: Oh yeah, that’s right.


(Peter comes in)


PETER: Hey, are you feeling better?


MADELINE: A little bit. I still have a headache, but it’s not a migraine anymore. How’d the presentation go?


PETER: …They said they’d be in touch.


MADELINE: Shit. That probably means “no”.


PETER: They also said “get the hell out of my office”.


MADELINE: Okay, well that’s a definite “no” then. Damnit.


PETER: I can fix this.


MADELINE: No, sir. I am going to fix this. And I’m going to do it alone.


(Madeline gets up and leaves the room)


KIMBERLY: …Why don’t I fuck up presentations?


(Cut to Madeline standing before investors with a chart reading “CRYO SELF TO HEALTH PROJECTED PROFITS, SUMMER 2016-FALL 2017” with an upward trend)


MADELINE: I thank you gentlemen for giving us a second chance. I apologize for Peter’s presentation.


INVESTOR 6: We’re sorry we blacklisted him throughout town.


MADELINE: It’s fine. This is probably the only job he’ll ever have anyway. (Madeline clears her throat) Cryo Self To Health was a floundering business when we took it over. But we have an eighteen-month plan to make it profitable by the end of 2017. We’re going to focus on outreach at local malls, targeted ads in wealthy community newsletters and a focus on stellar customer service. As we get more clients, most of whom are wealthy, our earnings will increase tenfold. This is especially possible due to the fact we have low overhead. We employ only four people and already have the equipment we need, inherited from the previous owner. These tactics, assuming the economy remains stable and consumer spending profligate, are almost guaranteed to make us profitable. We just need  money to get us started. Will you help us?


(Madeline sits down. Greg turns to the other investors)


GREG: …What a bunch of bullshit that was, huh guys?


INVESTOR 5: Oh my God, Craig, why are you never on the same page as us?


INVESTOR 2: I think we should lend her the money. It’s a solid business model and there’s a demand for this type of thing. But I have one condition.


MADELINE: Anything.


INVESTOR 2: …Please fire Peter.


(Madeline falls silent)


MADELINE: …You got a deal.


(Cut to Ethan making a speech in front of a podium near his apartment building. There is a pool of reporters before him, and Fiona and Nelson are standing behind him)


ETHAN: Councilman Deters has already pulled dirty tricks in this campaign. When I was going out to catch dogs with the town dog catcher, Doug Catcher- not shitting you, that’s his real name. Uhh, sorry for cursing, anyway, when I was doing that, Mr. Catcher slipped LSD into a bottle of water he handed me. (Gasps erupt) That’s right. He was trying to embarrass me by making me seem crazy, or have me run through the streets naked like that Kony 2012 guy. This is the only explanation for why I hallucinated for twelve hours afterwards. I know for a fact Mr. Catcher is in Councilman Deters’ pocket, mostly because I pledge to vote for his expulsion should I become a city councilman. This is simply beyond the pale. I mean, I was hallucinating for hours, and it was frightening, and, simultaneously…beautiful. I gained a whole new perspective on life, the universe and what my place is in it. I just… (Ethan shakes his head and clears his throat) it’s an outrage. I don’t want new perspectives, I’m a conservative after all. We need to make Hansbay great again. Damnit, unfortunate wording. Anyway, this is an outrage and let me tell you, Councilman Deters’ dredging up of old, resolve scandals will not work! People trust me. And after this, I don’t believe they’ll trust Councilman Deters. Thank you.


(Ethan walks away as the pool shouts questions. Cut to Ryan and Catherine sitting on the front porch of Catherine’s farmhouse. They are both looking out at stars)


RYAN: Wow…I had no idea there were more than five stars.


CATHERINE: Yeah, once you get out of that light-polluted city, there’s a lot of stuff to see.


RYAN: I didn’t know night could get this dark. What’s that big swirl of stuff over there?


CATHERINE: …That’s the Andromeda Galaxy.


RYAN: Now you’re telling me there’s whole other galaxies? Damn, I need some light pollution fast.


(Ryan looks at his phone, but Catherine grabs it from him)


CATHERINE: Come on, Ryan. We didn’t take LSD for nothing.


RYAN: I don’t know who you got this from, but it hasn’t kicked in for me yet.


(A dog walks by Catherine’s farmhouse)


CATHERINE: Oh, look, a dog.


RYAN: Cool. Come here, pup!


(The dog turns around to reveal it has a human face. A brunette man with sad eyes)


DOG: Mind your own business!!


(The dog scampers away. Ryan and Catherine look shocked)


RYAN: …Okay, I think it kicked in.


(Cut to black)





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