Eating Alone

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: New Writers wanting Reviews
Eating alone is a young man sitting at dinner a lone of course contemplating how his life has turned so far.

Submitted: May 30, 2016

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Submitted: May 30, 2016



Eating alone. 

I used to write a lot.....and I mean A LOT. At least i thought I did. It was therapeutic and sometimes when something would get stuck up here in my head I wasn't able to think of anything else until I got rid of it. I used to write short stories, parts of books, scripts for movies, tv shows and plays. I used to write poetry. I used to write about the dark side of people and what people were really thinking. I used to write about romance.

Almost all of it had to do with love, romance and finding the one and all her amazing imperfections. I used to be a ship lost in the sea of her soul. I used to let the ones I love go just because I knew they didn't love me and it would only hurt them that I stay. I used to be Cupid trying to save the one last hope the world has for love. Writing romance poems and stories were the very essence of who I was. I was a romantic.......I feel like I've changed lenses though. Like when your at the eye doctor and your switching between number 8 or number 9. Number 8 or number 9. Number 8 or number 9. Or maybe number ten. For the most part your vision stays the same throughout life but how you see it and your perspective  can vary based on the lenses given.

I feel like in such a short period the lenses I had been wearing for all this time have just been changed to specs I couldn't have even imagined before hand. It's neither good nor bad. Here or there. It's just sad though....when you feel like you lost a part of yourself. Who you used to be. Who you always thought you would be. Maybe it will come of recently I've been struggling to write. Something that used to be a refuge for me and my soul. The struggle was not lack of will or lack of effort. Just lack of feeling and a really just lack of having anything to fucking write about.

That never used to be a problem. If I was having issues I could always turn to romance. The end all be all. Everyone can relate and everyone can understand the dream of the pain of love. The wonderful chase for it. The grueling weight it carries in your gut and How wonderfully sick it would make you.

Words like those used to mean a lot. Heck sometimes I forget i can still talk and think like that if I make a conscious effort to do so. So what is there to write about now? What's in my head that needs to get out?

Nothing and that's what sucks.....sometimes you just get in ruts and when you go to pull for inspiration you realize that nothing is least not the same way it used to be. I am now in a state that I have always felt but has now magnified itself to being my main line of thought and feeling for some time. I am always a lone surrounded by people. I always have support and I am blessed for it but I never ask for it. It's not that I don't value all the company I keep because people are what keep me going! All the different people I meet and how different their stories are baffles me every night as I lay awake. But in a crowded room I'm  really alone.

At the clubs, pubs, and magnificent cities. I strangely feel a lone. Even just sitting around having great conversations with even greater people that I call my friends. Somehow it's still there.

Now you say this is an oxymoron but I bet you if I feel this way i know I'm not the only one. Just because we are people.....someone else is bound to think like me. Not exactly of course but pretty darn close. No thought hasn't been thought of twice already is what I like to think. Not a bad thing....just a likelihood.

Now after hearing all of this you may think I'm saying this with negative connotation because I'm really not. Growing older you change. A sentient being lays out this bait that this is how your gonna be and sometimes you take the bait. You get hooked drag to shore to see a whole new world. Sometimes it's a magic carpet ride and sometimes your picking sand out your ass. It's awesome! I wouldn't want it to be any different.....and besides There are few times when i don't feel that "alone" feeling.

It's usually just a one on one conversation with someone.....could be my friend or someone I just met....but I can just feel it in their words and see it in their eyes they are like me! They feel it! They understand how much of on oxymoron I am. They feel that way too! And for a conversation I feel connected to my heart the way I used to be. We finally get to hold hands like we used to and those moments are to die for because for one conversation we lost that strange feeling not even a dancer could shake off.

I used to dream of meals and cross country road trips with a girl named Jane. Now when I fall asleep at night it's just me. In the woods with a backpack, a dog named skeeter, and sometimes when I feel like my old self again a girl named sue....... 

© Copyright 2019 Alexander Matthew. All rights reserved.

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