I Didn't Find You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is the sequel to 'Are You Here' and is best read after it.

Submitted: June 06, 2016

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Submitted: June 06, 2016

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I Didn't Find You.

I tried to find you, searching as much as I could through the cloying blackness. I tried to open my eyes, to reach out my hands. The tendrils were too strong, forcing my attempts to fail even before I made them.

But were you even there? Did you even hear my cry for help, let alone respond to it? You know, I don't think so! Maybe the distance was just too far. Maybe the stagnant malignancy was too thick to let my call get through to you. Maybe you just had more important things on your mind.

Maybe you were here but couldn't find me. I'd like to think so but I don't believe it. There are no signs of your presence here at all.

I succumbed to it. I gave in to this black cloud of nothingness. Didn't even bother to keep struggling in the end but took a deep breath and let it all in. The writhing blackness filled me up and swallowed me whole until I didn't exist apart from as a barely breathing black cocoon.

It's not so bad once you stop fighting against it, the blackness. It can be such a relief to feel absolutely nothing. It can be such a relief to have no thoughts, not even one, swirling around in your mind.

You did not come to help me fight it so I embraced it instead.

When it began to lose its strangle-hold, when consciousness started to return, I did wanted no part of it. Instead of pushing it away I tried to hold on to it. There was nothing to return to that wouldn't hurt, so better to stay wrapped in blackness.

Of course, as with its advancement, the black cloud had its own idea of when it was going to depart. I was to have no say in the matter. It was almost as though the blackness lost interest once it found a willing victim. Could it be that it fed off the struggle? That it thrived on the fight?

It's retreat was so much quicker than its arrival. The tendrils down my throat pulled themselves back up, spewing out my cries of pain and abandonment as they made their withdrawal. When the coil loosened from around my neck I found myself taking an involuntary deep breath in. The physiological need for survival won't be held in check no matter how you might wish to fight against it.

My arms were freed. I could move my hands. But now, instead of pushing the blackness away I was trying to pull it back, to hold on to whatever cover was still remaining.

I was not strong enough to keep it, as before I had not been strong enough to fight it away.

As the blackness began to recede so the grey began. At first it was not much lighter than black, still dark enough to blot everything out. But it seemed that once the lightness had found a gap, it spread. The greyness became lighter and lighter and there was no way that I could find to hold it back.

I bit down hard on the final tendrils that were in my mouth and hungrily swallowed them again. I breathed in deep and held the remaining blackness in my lungs so as long as I didn't breathe out too hard some would remain.

I reached my arms out, spread my fingers and grabbed two handfuls of the malign substance. I clutched it so hard in my hands I felt it seep through my pores into my skin, my blood.

Eyes open now I can see a mist. It is a mist that is covering everything. All colours have been seeped away. It is a haunted place, a dwelling place for those only half alive. The tears that fall from my eyes combine with the mist to increase the ghostliness of the place.

I feel such a deep sadness.

I know this is my fate.

You did not come to help me.

I did not find you.

I am all alone.

 


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