Asian Hero Steps Up to Save Crumbling White Neighborhood

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Karen Wu, the story's hero, tells the tale of how she discovered the true secret to saving white people from themselves.

Submitted: June 08, 2016

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Submitted: June 08, 2016



Karen Wu, 27, is a neurosurgeon living in the Washington D.C. suburbs. She lives a comfortable life: small mansion in a gated community, three cars, two kids, her attorney husband, and a Pomeranian that dons pink bows in its hair. Recently, however, Karen found her true calling in life- helping white people who didn’t make nearly as much money as her.

“It’s just so sad,” Wu told reporters. “You turn on the news and see these white people bragging about their marketing degrees from these third-tier colleges, talking about how they had to work to where they got. I think some of them only know how to speak English.”

Wu had to pause for a minute because she was getting too emotional thinking about the turmoil some of these white people must suffer on a daily basis. “They get C- grade point averages, and they’re so proud. I don’t think anyone has ever told them how pitiful they truly are. They say things like they were bored and too smart for school, so that’s why they stopped trying. Did you know they’re under the impression that studying from textbooks handed out by public schools is enough to actually teach them how to think? Their parents don’t even buy them supplemental textbooks. And they never study or try at things for longer than five minutes, yet they talk incessantly about self-esteem. Can you imagine?”

But Karen’s true compassion shines through where other successful Asian people just shrug their shoulders and continue on doing significantly better than white people. “I mean,” she says, “I really do think they mean well. It makes me think- it must be the environment they’re in. Where are their fathers? Perhaps out working all the time, drinking with the boys, or watching the game all weekend.”

But she recouped her forces, and finished with a powerful thought: “But it isn’t about helping white people. I’m not a hero- really, I’m not! I don’t want to work for white people, I want to work with them. So I thought to myself- how do I manage to get down on their level enough that I could make them feel proud of themselves?”

Karen’s face brightened up at this point. “And then, I realized. I did hours upon hours of research on looking up things white people really seem to enjoy, and I discovered it- bake sales!”

“It’s perfect, really,” she continues. “It’s not threatening- if you let small white children make their own baked goods, you’re really empowering those families, you know? Especially if they get to make lemonade,” she adds with a chuckle. “White people quite enjoy loading up water with sugar unnecessarily. They’re so happy when they drink it! Besides, there’s nothing more inspiring than looking at a little white child, with their muddled grey eyes and really, really pale skin, clutching a cupcake and smiling so earnestly- that is the true essence of hope. I look at those pale little things with weird overalls and think, ‘That one- that one is going to make it’”.

Ever since then, Karen Wu has been leading the fight to set up bake sales all over white communities. “I want to start out near home, maybe go to one of those western counties in Maryland. But, you know, they’re just so uneducated and white, I really need to become one with them to see just why they’re so pitiful and odd.”

That is when Karen whips out a pair of yoga pants and bright pink flip flops. “When you’re experiencing another culture, you really need to blend in with the environment. I didn’t want them to realize I own Vera Wang, and I don’t have the heart to tell them they have been pronouncing ‘Wang’ incorrectly this entire time. So I bought these discount yoga pants and tacky-colored flip flops designed for twelve-year-olds. And I’ve started wearing messy buns- it’s like a normal hairstyle, like something you or I would wear, but it looks like crap. Girls with frizzy, yellow, spaghetti hair love styling their hair specifically to look like crap. I don’t understand why they take time to look like this, when it’s no different from how they drunkenly roll out of bed on a Saturday morning anyways, but who am I to judge? Besides, I figure dressing like those people will make them feel so happy! I think that extra effort, combined with bake sales, will really help rejuvenate their local economies and liven up their culture a bit.”

Karen takes a deep breath, satisfied with all her insightful comments about why white people suck. “You turn on the news and see everyone calling them ‘douche bags’ and making fun of their comb-overs and ugly shoes. But you know what? When I look at a poor white person who only makes $55,000 a year or so, I don’t see a ‘douche bag’- I see a diamond in the rough. I think they have it in them to become their own heroes. It all just starts with one bake sale.”

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