The Donahues Episode 245

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan takes Catherine to Hansbay so they can get drunk with Ryan's old friends to celebrate his 21st Birthday, Ethan attempts to use new apartment developments as a wedge issue in his race against Councilman Deters and Madeline has to figure out a way to break it to Peter that he's been fired.

Submitted: June 08, 2016

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Submitted: June 08, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“BEAUTIFUL BLUE SKY”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“I am no longer afraid to die. Because that is all that I have left. And I’m no longer afraid to dance tonight. Because that is all that I have left”

  • Tim Darcy

 

(We start with Nelson showing Ethan a video of Donald Trump at a press conference, with Veterans standing behind him)

 

DONALD TRUMP: I’m not looking for credit! But what I don’t want is when I raise millions of dollars, have people say, like- (Trump points to his left) this, sleazy guy right over here-from, ABC, he’s a sleaze. In my book.

 

TOM LLAMAS: (Off camera) Why am I-

 

DONALD TRUMP: You’re a sleaze because you-you know the facts, and you know the facts well.

 

(Nelson stops the video and closes his laptop)

 

NELSON: So when you have your press conference, don’t do that.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, you didn’t have to tell me that.

 

NELSON: I’m just saying, don’t get too defensive, don’t act like Deters is getting under your skin.

 

ETHAN: I won’t, I don’t think we should even mention Deters’ attacks. We need a distraction.

 

NELSON: …Muslims?

 

ETHAN: NO! I looked in oppo research you drew up- (Ethan takes out the Oppo Research binder and opens it up to the back page) and saw that you buried the lead.

 

NELSON: You mean Benjamin?

 

ETHAN: No, I mean-who’s Benjamin?

 

NELSON: No one, just move on.

 

ETHAN: You buried someone named Benjamin?

 

NELSON: Move on.

 

ETHAN: Okay, well anyway, I mean the apartment angle.

 

NELSON: Apartment angle? You mean how Deters is opposed to allowing contractors to build new apartment buildings in Hansbay?

 

ETHAN: Yes, that’s what we need to call him out for.

 

NELSON: What is the angle there?

 

ETHAN: He’s opposed to growing Hansbay!

 

(Nelson sighs)

 

NELSON: You wanna get substantive, don’t you?

 

ETHAN: …Yes!
 

NELSON: Ugh. This is my least favorite part of the job. Let’s get to work.

 

(Nelson puts on glasses and pulls out some graphs and a pen. Ethan shakes his head)

 

ETHAN: Trump has some real balls calling Tom Llamas a sleaze, huh?

 

NELSON: I know. That Trump University playbook basically prove it was a scam.

 

ETHAN: Hey, but he’s a “man of the people”, right? And what person hasn’t siphoned some gas from their neighbor’s car? We’re all liars and thieves. It’s part of his “every man” appeal.

 

NELSON: Honestly, some of these people who support Trump would fall for Nigerian prince scams, so they undoubtedly believe Trump U was legit.

 

ETHAN: It’s not about them, though, they’re gonna vote for Trump no matter what he does. It’s independents who need to be convinced, and that’s why Hillary needs to hammer away at him on this. God, I can’t believe I’m gonna vote for her. Maybe I’ll just vote for Gary Johnson.

 

NELSON: What’s the difference?

 

ETHAN: True. Anyway, we should focus on this. What is today?

 

NELSON: Uhhh, I believe it’s the sixth.

 

ETHAN: The sixth? SHIT! It’s my son’s birthday today. Hold on.

 

(Ethan takes out his cell phone. Cut to Ryan and Catherine at some hole-in-the-wall country bar. A sleeping drunk is sitting next to them. Ryan and Catherine both have beers in their hands)

 

RYAN: Well. Being twenty-one is more boring than I thought it would be.

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, you kind of realize it’s just the difference between getting drunk in private and getting drunk in public.

 

RYAN: I think it’s mostly the fact that this bar is literally in a town called Buttfuck.

 

CATHERINE: It’s spelled “B-U-T-T-E-F-U-Q” and it’s German.

 

RYAN: Still, this place is dead. Meanwhile, Hansbay has The DarkRoom.

 

CATHERINE: What’s that?

 

RYAN: It’s a club I’ve heard of where the club is completely dark, illuminated only by the glow of the drinks they serve.

 

CATHERINE: Sounds…dangerous.

 

RYAN: It’s so fun, from what I’ve heard.

 

CATHERINE: Well, there’s none of that here in Buttefuq or anywhere close to my farm, so…

 

RYAN: Well, that’s why I wanted to ask you something, um…my friends are holding a 21st Birthday Party for me in Hansbay tomorrow, and I want you to come. And meet them all.

 

CATHERINE: Oh. Well. Sure, of course I’ll do that.

 

RYAN: Cool. Because I think they’ll like you. And I think you’ll like them. And it’s only fair, considering I had to endure your friends.

 

CATHERINE: Right.

 

(The drunk next to them wakes up)

 

DRUNK: I lost my job to a robot, you know!

 

RYAN: What was your job?

 

DRUNK: Lawyerin’.

 

(The drunk passes out again. Ryan and Catherine look at one another, and then Ryan gets a call from his dad)

 

RYAN: I gotta answer this. (Ryan answers the phone) Hey, dad.

 

ETHAN: (On the phone) Ryan! Happy Birthday, kiddo!
 

RYAN: Thanks, dad. Did you just notice that it’s June 6th?

 

ETHAN: Absolutely not, silly. I waited until 6pm deliberately. To make you think I was a terrible father for a little while. As a prank.

 

RYAN: You just called me “silly”, which is something you never do, so I know you’re lying.

 

ETHAN: Fine, you caught me. I didn’t realize the date for a little bit there. But, you gotta cut me some slack. I’ve been running this city council campaign.

 

RYAN: Well, I’ll vote for you, as MY gift for your 51st birthday in November. But you’ve got to get me an awesome gift to make up for this.

 

ETHAN: How about…twelve bottles of vodka?

 

RYAN: That’s, borderline irresponsible, but I’ll take it.

 

ETHAN: I’m just kidding, you drunk. I’ll get you a Mike’s Hard Champagne.

 

RYAN: They have those?

 

ETHAN: Yes.

 

RYAN: Damnit.

 

ETHAN: I’ll have a surprise gift for you too, worry not.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

ETHAN: Love you.

 

RYAN: Yeah.

 

ETHAN: Bye.

 

(Ethan hangs up, as does Ryan)

 

RYAN: Bartender?

 

(The bartender, who is a mustached man with gray hair, overalls and a trucker hat, comes over)

 

BARTENDER: Yeah?

 

RYAN: Whiskey neat, please.

 

BARTENDER: Sure thing.

 

(The bartender pours a whiskey neat for Ryan and puts it before him. Ryan chugs it down)

 

CATHERINE: Goddamn!
 

(Ryan slams the cup on the table)

 

RYAN: Cool. Hey, were you on Twin Peaks?

 

BARTENDER: I auditioned for it. But they said I was “TOO folksy” for what they were lookin’ for.

 

CATHERINE: Huh.

 

RYAN: Well, anyway, we should get an Uber.

 

(The drunk wakes up again)

 

DRUNK: I’m an Uber driver.

 

RYAN: You know what, let’s just get a Lyft.

 

(Cut to Madeline in her office at Cryo Self To Health. She is looking at a video on her computer of Hillary Clinton giving a foreign policy speech about Trump)

 

SECRETARY CLINTON: He praises dictators like Vladimir Putin, and picks fights with our friends. Including the British Prime Minister, the Mayor of London, the German Chancellor, the President of Mexico AND the Pope. (Laughter and applause, then a cut) This is not someone who should EVER have the nuclear codes. Because it’s not hard to imagine Donald Trump leading us into a war just because somebody got under his very thin skin.

 

(Cheering and applause)

 

MADELINE: Holy shit. She is ripping him a new asshole. And fuck, that’s SO TRUE. Then all the Republicans would have to do is send a letter to the Iranian government telling them to call him a “goober”. And the planes would be readied. Christ, this election is scary. I mean, he’s such a blatant racist! He just straight-up said we shouldn’t trust that judge because he’s Mexican!

 

(Peter comes in)

 

PETER: Whoa! Not the case! Trump said the Judge happens to BE Mexican, which is, as he said, “fine with him”!

 

MADELINE: Oh, well, I’m glad Trump approves of his ethnicity. Which might not even be his ethnicity. Why would Trump bring it up if he thought it wasn’t a factor?!

 

PETER: He just wanted to let the guy know that he loves for who he is! Like when a mother embraces her transgender child and says “I love who you are and I couldn’t ask for anyone better”.

 

MADELINE: Why are you defending Trump all of a sudden!?

 

PETER: Because, I want him to win. I want to see the world burn. And plus I think he would remove fluoride from our water.

 

(Madeline sighs)

 

MADELINE: What is the world coming to?

 

PETER: By the way, where’s my paycheck? I was supposed to be paid a week ago, but I haven’t been yet.

 

MADELINE: Right…well…you might need to take that up with payroll.

 

PETER: You ARE payroll. You’re everything here.

 

MADELINE: I’m not the janitor.

 

PETER: We don’t have a janitor.

 

MADELINE: Really? My God, that explains all the grime. And the dust. But that doesn’t explain all the complicated math problems on the chalkboards…

 

PETER: I could be the janitor, in addition to my other duties.

 

(Madeline sighs)

 

MADELINE: Jesus, this is gonna be hard. Which is why I must put it off.

 

PETER: What?

 

MADELINE: Peter, there’s an investor in, uhh, let’s say, Newark, New Jersey, who you should go on a business trip to visit because, well, we need money. And stuff.

 

PETER: Okay. When do you want me to go there?

 

MADELINE: Right now. That’ll buy me some time.

 

PETER: To do what?

 

MADELINE: Uhh, to resolve this, payroll. Problem.

 

PETER: …Okay?

 

MADELINE: Better get in a car.

 

PETER: I don’t have a car.

 

MADELINE: Better take a bus, then. Here. (Madeline takes forty dollars out of her purse and puts it on the desk) That should cover it.

 

PETER: …Cool. Do you have an address?

 

MADELINE: Ehhhh, I’ll text it to you.

 

PETER: …Sounds good. Is this investor a member of the mob? You seem very nervous.

 

MADELINE: Uh-huh, yeah, he’s a member of the mob. Be careful.

 

PETER: Cool! I’m excited. (Peter takes the money and kisses Madeline) Love you, Maddie.

 

MADELINE: Love you.

 

PETER: I know you’d never hurt me.

 

(Peter smiles, as Madeline awkwardly smiles. Peter leaves. Madeline turns around)

 

MADELINE: Shit, do I know anyone who lives in Newark?

 

(Cut to Oliver Mulvaney sitting in a Hillary Clinton campaign office in Newark, New Jersey. He is on the phone)

 

OLIVER: Could I get you to commit to voting for Hillary Clinton in Tuesday’s primary? Oh, you have some questions? Oh. Oh my God, that’s foul-you know what? The trolls I’m gonna hire to harass you online are gonna rip you a new one, buster! (Oliver hangs up the phone) Goddamn Bernie bros.

 

(A woman walks over to Oliver with some papers)

 

WOMAN: Here’s the latest general election polling from New Jersey.

 

OLIVER: Uhh, okay? I don’t know why you’re handing it to me, New Jersey’s not competitive.

 

WOMAN: Hillary is four points ahead of Trump.

 

OLIVER: Oh, Jesus Christ on the cross… (The woman walks away and Oliver gets a cell phone call. He looks to see its Madeline) well, this is just the stress reliever I needed. (Oliver picks up the phone) Why?

 

MADELINE: Trust me, I wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important.

 

OLIVER: I trust you on that, certainly.

 

MADELINE: I need you to do me a huge favor.

 

OLIVER: What is that?

 

MADELINE: Pretend to be an investor and listen to my boyfriend’s investment presentation-

 

OLIVER: Goodbye, Maddie.

 

MADELINE: HOLD ON!
 

OLIVER: Why would I do this?!
 

MADELINE: For old time’s sake?

 

OLIVER: I am your EX-BOYFRIEND and you want me to TRICK your CURRENT BOYFRIEND for reasons that I can only imagine.

 

MADELINE: I have good news, you don’t have to imagine it. Because I’ll explain the reason right now.

 

OLIVER: You’re not listening to me, I don’t wanna do it!

 

MADELINE: I have to fire him from the company I own, and I want to buy myself some time so I can figure out how to do it gracefully.

 

OLIVER: Wait, you own a company?

 

MADELINE: Yeah. Why? What do you do these days?

 

OLIVER: …I work at AllState….

 

MADELINE: Oh, cool. Well, anyway, could you do this one favor for me?

 

OLIVER: …I’ll do it if you donate to…AllState.

 

MADELINE: What?

 

OLIVER: Donate to Hillary Clinton, I work for the Clinton campaign’s Newark office, okay!?

 

MADELINE: Oh, wow, that’s embarrassing.

 

OLIVER: Just donate!
 

MADELINE: Okay, fine, I’ll donate. I’ll text you further instructions for this ruse.

 

OLIVER: Got it. (Madeline hangs up, as does Oliver. Oliver sighs and puts his head on the table) A man isn’t made to beg for money this much.

 

(Cut to Ethan speaking behind a podium, near an empty field with a sign reading “Horizonwood Apartments- coming Spring 2017” nearby. Ethan is speaking to a gaggle of reporters)

 

ETHAN: Councilman Deters has actively opposed the development of apartment complexes like Horizonwood and recently voted to revoke its zoning license. Well, apparently Deters doesn’t want Hansbay to expand! And grow! And prosper! He wants Hansbay to remain stagnant! He doesn’t want businesses to build whatever they want wherever they want! He wants to use big government to quash that! When I was Chief of Staff to Mayor (mumbled) Sarandon (speaking normally) I lobbied for a zoning license that allowed a duck poison factory to operate near Lake Champlain! That’s just called the free market! And whenever I go duck hunting, I use their duck poison to this day! That’s just freedom!

 

(A protest groups approaches. There are two dozen citizens chanting “READ MY LIPS! NO NEW APARTMENTS!” and holding signs expressing similar sentiments. They are led by Judge Sullivan)

 

JUDGE SULLIVAN: NO NEW APARTMENTS! NOT TODAY, NOT YESTERDAY, NOT EVER!
 

ETHAN: Sorry, can I help you guys?

 

JUDGE SULLIVAN: We are here to voice our OUTRAGE over these proposed apartment buildings!

 

ETHAN: Wait, you’re against the apartments? Why?

 

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Quite frankly, if you can’t afford to buy a house, you don’t deserve to LIVE in Hansbay!

 

(The crowd cheers)

 

PROTESTOR: You don’t deserve to LIVE either!
 

JUDGE SULLIVAN: But that’s a different discussion.

 

(All the news media turn to take pictures and film them)

 

ETHAN: My God, you people are like dogs looking for the next shiny thing, listen, folks, I understand your concerns, but allowing this apartment complex to move forward would expand the profit margins of local businesses!

 

JUDGE SULLIVAN: I’m sorry, when did we have the vote to un-gentrify this city? Because I must’ve been on a CRUISE WHEN IT HAPPENED!
 

ETHAN: Listen, I don’t want to-

 

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Seriously though, did we have a vote to un-gentrify this city? Because if we did, I was probably on a cruise. I go on like, seven luxury cruises a year, so it’s entirely possible.

 

ETHAN: No, we didn’t have a vote, and trust me, I don’t want to un-gentrify Hansbay! I love our bubble! But just because someone has an apartment doesn’t mean they’re not one of us! I mean, for God’s sake, I have an apartment!
 

JUDGE SULLIVAN: HE’S NOT ONE OF US! Chant it!
 

(Everybody starts chanting “not one of us” as they approach Ethan’s podium)

 

ETHAN: Listen, fellas, I-I don’t know why you’re-I’m rich! I’m very rich! Oh God!
 

(Ethan runs away. Cut to Ethan and Nelson sitting in Ethan’s office at Sanford-Donahue vending)

 

NELSON: That…severely backfired.

 

ETHAN: Jesus, how did I misread the electorate so badly?

 

NELSON: I checked the latest poll. You’re fifteen points behind Deters. 5% to 20%.

 

ETHAN: What? Are there other people running?

 

NELSON: No, it’s just the other 75% had never heard of either of you.

 

ETHAN: Oh yeah, I forgot, it’s a local election. Well, shit. We need to change the conversation.

 

NELSON: That was what the apartment thing was supposed to be!
 

ETHAN: Well, we need to change it again. Let’s-I don’t know-let’s announce a Vice Presidential pick!

 

NELSON: Ethan, we can’t just keep changing the conversation until we find one that works! That’s so obvious! What we need to do is double down on the apartments. Demonstrate how these apartments are high class.

 

ETHAN: Yes, Nelson, of course! That’s genius. I’ll contact Horizonwood Apartments.

 

(Cut to Ethan sitting on the kitchen counter of a luxury apartment kitchen. There are cameras pointed at him. He is holding a glass of wine and is wearing khakis, a pink polo shirt and has a scarf around his neck. There is a commercial producer standing by with a clipboard)

 

PRODUCER: So essentially, Ethan, you’re gonna look into the camera and say the lines as we gave them to you. And sip your wine every once in a while, so people get a full sense of how luxury this place really is.

 

ETHAN: Okay. When do I mention my campaign for city council, Josh?

 

JOSH: Oh, yeah, uh, we’ll get to that. Don’t worry. (Josh flashes a smile) Okay, so let’s begin.

 

(Josh backs away, as the camera points at Ethan, and Ethan looks into the camera)

 

ETHAN: Hello, I’m Ethan Donahue. I’ve always felt that true luxury is based in how your living space comports with your lifestyle. Horizonwood Apartments are not just dwellings, they’re lifestyles. (Ethan sips his wine. Cut to Ethan sitting by the apartment complex’s pool) Enjoy the luxurious apartment pool, filled with pure, Fiji water. (Ethan holds up a bottle of Fiji Water) When’s the last time you swam in something so elegant? (Cut to Ethan standing in a walk-in closet full of shoes) Have a shit ton of shoes? You’ll be glad to hear that Horizonwood Apartments has walk-in closets. (The camera pans up to reveal a second story to the closet) Two story walk-in closets. (Cut to Ethan on the balcony of a Horizonwood Apartment, with a view overlooking rolling hills) At a Horizonwood apartment, the view is magnificent, no matter what you choose it to be. Rolling Hills? No problem. Beverly Hills? (Ethan clicks a remote and the background changes to Beverly Hills) You got it. Anita Hill? (Ethan changes the background to a picture of Anita Hill) I mean, sure. (Cut to Ethan standing in front of a Horizonwood Apartments sign) So when you’re about to sign on to that deal for a new apartment, check the fine print. It is a Horizonwood apartment? Or do crack fiends live in the building? Horizonwood Apartments. Get inside us.

 

(Cut to Nelson and Ethan watching that ad end on their television. Nelson mutes the TV)

 

NELSON: What the fuck, Donahue?!
 

ETHAN: I totally forgot to mention my campaign at all. They basically just made me do a commercial for them.

 

NELSON: Donahue, what are you doing?! I can’t believe you’re actually a worse campaigner than Hillary Clinton is!
 

ETHAN: Come on, that’s a low blow.

 

NELSON: Fine, but you are royally fucking this up!

 

ETHAN: No, I can save this. The ads will run for a couple of days, let’s see if they change minds. We’ll run some internal polling.

 

NELSON: Ugh. Fine. But one more screw up, and I’ll have to quit this campaign. And I don’t want to do that. I’d go back to working for Rahm Emanuel, and I HATE Rahm Emanuel.

 

ETHAN: What did Rahm do to you?

 

NELSON: Don’t talk about Rahm to me.

 

(Nelson sniffs and wipes away a tear)

 

ETHAN: …How did he hurt you?

 

NELSON: Shut up.

 

(Nelson unmutes the TV, as Ethan sighs. They see footage of Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail)

 

SECRETARY CLINTON: Pointing out how fraudulent Trump University, is. How it has, been a con game that has benefitted Donald Trump, but hurt so many people, including those who couldn’t afford it. Who were urged to max out their credit cards, spend down their retirement accounts so that they could go, to this Trump U, and… (mild laughter begins to fill the room) that does-that-that does sound appropriate, doesn’t it? (Laughter and applause) I-I’m gonna have to use that more often. (Hillary laughs) Because if he gets anywhere near the White House, you know what he’s gonna do? He’s gonna Trump YOU!

 

(Hillary laughs, as Nelson and Ethan cringe)

 

NELSON: Goddamnit.

 

ETHAN: Jesus, Hillary, how are you so bad at this?

 

NELSON: Just BE A HUMAN! It’s not that hard!

 

(Cut to Michael, Eric, Brennan, Sarah, Alan and Michelle sitting in Ryan’s game room at the Donahue household)

 

MICHAEL: So…when is Ryan going to be here with his grandma girlfriend?

 

SARAH: She’s not his “grandma girlfriend”.

 

ERIC: I hear she’s like, 88 and in hospice. Like, she’s gonna be wheeled in here in an iron lung.

 

BRENNAN: She’s only thirty. I’ve had sex with women HALF her age.

 

MICHELLE: Ew! You realize that’s fifteen, right?!

 

BRENNAN: Uh-huh, I know how to do math!
 

MICHELLE: Yeah, but what point are you trying to make?!

 

BRENNAN: …Get it where you can.

 

ALAN: Ugh.

 

(Ryan and Catherine come upstairs. Ryan is holding brown bags labeled “Off The County Line Liquor Emporium”)

 

RYAN: Hey! Oh my God, Michelle and Sarah are here.

 

SARAH: Yep.

 

ERIC: They were in town, and we felt bad not inviting them.

 

MICHAEL: To YOUR birthday party.

 

MICHELLE: They ran into us at a Chipotle today and invited us then.

 

RYAN: Got it. Well, hey, I’m excited for you all to meet my girlfriend, Catherine.

 

CATHERINE: Hello, everybody.

 

RYAN: Catherine, these are my long-time friends Michael, Eric, Brennan, Sarah and Michelle. And of course, you’ve already met our diversity hire.

 

ALAN: Hey.

 

RYAN: Full disclosure, Sarah and Michelle were at various points, my girlfriends.

 

MICHELLE: (Under her breath) Sometimes simultaneously…

 

CATHERINE: I’ll try not to talk to them then.

 

(Sarah and Michelle laugh, as Ryan and Catherine go over to sit on the couch)

 

RYAN: I brought alcohol, which I BOUGHT MYSELF!
 

CATHERINE: With my money.

 

RYAN: Yes, with her money. So drink up. I’m gonna check the news to see how the California Primaries are going.

 

BRENNAN: Ugghh, Ryan, please don’t.

 

RYAN: I’m just checking! Just in case Sanders defeats her in every state with 67% of the vote.

 

SARAH: I get it. Sometimes I check my bank account just in case somebody accidentally transferred 100,000 dollars in there.

 

RYAN: Shut up.

 

(Ryan turns on CNN, where Anderson Cooper is speaking to Van Jones about the California Primary. Donna Brazile, David Axelrod, Jeffrey Lord and David Challian are sitting on the panel as well)

 

ANDERSON: So it looks like Clinton is considerably ahead in California, 63-37 as it stands right now.

 

RYAN: Fuck.

 

ANDERSON: We’ve already projected New Jersey for Clinton, but California could be less close than we thought. I mean, we did call the nomination for her, last night after all.

 

VAN JONES: Yeah, that was hilarious. But you know, if Senator Sanders somehow pulls off winning California, that could really send a message to Hilary Clinton that she needs to become much more liberal in her views. And I think she’ll do that.

 

ANDERSON: …Really?

 

VAN JONES: No.

 

(Anderson, Van Jones, and the rest of the CNN panel start cracking up. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Eric, Brennan, Catherine, Michelle and Sarah watching)

 

RYAN: I can’t believe they called the nomination for Clinton last night! That includes SUPER DELEGATES!! And they didn’t even have the decency to save their lie until after California and New Jersey have voted! Super delegates don’t vote until the convention!!!

 

ALAN: Ryan, who cares? CNN calling the race for Hillary Clinton means as much as ME calling the race for Deez Nuts! If she gets indicted, then Bernie Sanders could get that thang!

 

RYAN: Unless they parachute Joe Biden in there, which they’ve been talking about! And I mean that quite literally, I think he would come into the convention with a parachute.

 

BRENNAN: Trump or Clinton or Sanders or Biden, you get fucked no matter who’s in office, so who cares?
 

RYAN: You just say that because you’re too lazy to research the issues.

 

BRENNAN: True. But do the issues really matter?

 

RYAN: Yes!

 

BRENNAN: Name an issue that matters.

 

RYAN: Okay! How about guns? We had that UCLA shooting just last week.

 

BRENNAN: And what is Hillary’s stance on guns?

 

RYAN: Who is she talking to?

 

BRENNAN: You.

 

RYAN: She wants gun control.

 

BRENNAN: And Trump?

 

RYAN: He wants teachers to have guns. Or, to quote him directly, “I don’t want teachers to have guns, but teachers will have to have guns, frankly”. So basically he was saying “you know what I said at the beginning of this sentence? Yeah, disregard that. I believe the exact opposite now”.

 

BRENNAN: So, I don’t know what I’m getting, do I?

 

RYAN: Kind of. It’s like buying sushi at a softball game. You don’t know EXACTLY what you’re getting, but you know it’s not good.

 

BRENNAN: …Ehhh, I’m still not voting.

 

RYAN: Oh my God. I can’t handle this election much longer.

 

(Ryan turns off the TV)

 

ALAN: Only five months left.

 

CATHERINE: Kill me.

 

ERIC: Who’s ready to do shots?

 

RYAN: Me, very please and thank you.

 

(Eric takes out shot glasses and Ryan hands him a bottle of Fireball. Eric begins to pour Fireball into each of the shot glasses. Eric then hands everyone there a shot)

 

ERIC: Remember, get as fucked up as possible.

 

BRENNAN: But if you need to SPEW then do it in the corner.

 

RYAN: The bathroom! Do it in the bathroom!

 

BRENNAN: Right.

 

(Everyone raises their shots)

 

CATHERINE: To the last happy day of Ryan’s life!

 

MICHAEL: Cheers to that!

 

(They all take their shots. Michael swallows his and immediately vomits on the floor in front of him)

 

RYAN: HOLY SHIT!
 

(Everybody gets up and backs away)

 

MICHAEL: Goddamnit, sorry guys. I am REAL sensitive to alcohol.

 

(Michael runs into the bathroom)

 

CATHERINE: Let’s hang out in your room.

 

RYAN: Good idea. But first, let’s get some paper towels.

 

(Cut to Ryan, Eric, Brennan, Michael, Alan, Michelle, Sarah and Catherine in Ryan’s room, hanging out with drinks)

 

SARAH: So, Catherine, where do you live?

 

CATHERINE: Ryan and I live in Bangor, New York, on my farm.

 

SARAH: Your dad let you buy a farm?

 

CATHERINE: Uhh, well, no, I bought it.

 

SARAH: Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot-

 

CATHERINE: That I’m thirty? It’s cool.

 

MICHAEL: Is there even anything to do in Bangor? Or is it just like, hog tossing?

 

RYAN: No, there’s stuff to do. Catherine and I went to the Bangor Museum of Art the other week. We saw this group of paintings by this guy named, what was it, babe?

 

CATHERINE: Noel Perth.

 

RYAN: That’s right. Awful experience.

 

CATHERINE: Truly. I left that exhibit feeling like absolute shit, but, art is supposed to make you feel something, so I can dig that.

 

BRENNAN: Art is gay.

 

(Brennan takes a shot. Ryan clears his throat)

 

RYAN: Anyway.

 

(It starts raining outside. Catherine sighs)

 

CATHERINE: You guys enjoying this endless fucking rain?

 

RYAN: Not me. It always gives me nightmares.

 

SARAH: Me too! I’ve been having sleepovers every night recently because the rain just brings out the bad dreams with the bad man, you know?

 

CATHERINE: Sleepovers?

 

RYAN: I had an insane nightmare last night.

 

CATHERINE: What happened?

 

RYAN: I was trick-or-treating, right?

 

CATHERINE: Uh-huh.

 

RYAN: And I was with my mom.

 

CATHERINE: Ooh, this is gonna be good.

 

RYAN: And at the third house, I turned around, and she was gone. She had floated into the air.

 

CATHERINE: …That’s it?

 

RYAN: Yeah, just like that.

 

ALAN: I can never sleep without my bear.

 

RYAN: I remember that, we used to stuff your bear into the ceiling at Whiteface.

 

ALAN: Bastards.

 

MICHELLE: So, Catherine, what grade are you in?

 

(Four second pause)

 

RYAN: She just graduated, Michelle.

 

MICHELLE: Oh, okay, sorry.

 

CATHERINE: Uh, I’m gonna use the restroom real quick.

 

BRENNAN: Oh! (Brennan raises his hand) Can I too?

 

(Catherine stares at Brennan for a second)

 

CATHERINE: …Are you asking me?

 

BRENNAN: Yeah.

 

CATHERINE: …Sure. There’s another one downstairs.

 

BRENNAN: Thanks, Ms. Catherine.

 

(Brennan runs downstairs. Catherine, looking puzzled, goes into the bathroom. She closes the door behind her and looks in the mirror)

 

CATHERINE: (Inner monologue) Dear God. These people are so young! What am I doing here?! (Catherine clears her throat, checks her phone, and then runs the water to make it seem like she’s washing her hands) Jesus, I hope they don’t do this after they’ve actually gone to the bathroom.

 

(Catherine leaves the bathroom to see Ryan, Eric, Michael, Sarah, Michelle and Alan have been replaced by toddler versions of themselves)

 

MICHAEL: HAHA!! Catherine just went bafroom! It must smell!!!

 

ERIC: Girls smell! Boys rule!

 

CATHERINE: (Inner monologue) Well, this sure is a strange vision.

 

ALAN: Bitch, I’ll cut you!
 

CATHERINE: (Inner monologue) A pretty racist vision as well.

 

(Catherine shakes her head and everything returns to normal)

 

RYAN: Catherine? You okay?

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, I’m fine.

 

(Catherine goes back over and sits with all of them)

 

RYAN: So, we were just debating whether Pokemon or Digimon was better.

 

CATHERINE: It’s definitely Pokemon, how is that even a question?

 

ERIC: Hear me out. Digimon has more horns AND spikes! Okay?

 

(Cut to Oliver sitting in his apartment, wearing a suit. He is on his phone)

 

OLIVER: Oh, goddamnit. Muhammad Ali died?! He was one of the only untarnished athletes left! Now who do we have? Peyton Manning? He’s untarnished right? Let me check. (Oliver looks up Peyton Manning on his phone) No he is not. (Someone knocks on Oliver’s door) Shit. Here we go.

 

(Oliver gets up and walks over to open the door. Peter is standing there, wearing a dress shirt, tie, vest, dress pants and shoes)

 

PETER: Good morning, Mr. Goldberg!
 

OLIVER: (Whispering) Wow, she gave me that name? Kind of anti-Semitic.

 

PETER: Pardon?

 

OLIVER: Nothing. Hello, I’m Mr. Goldberg. Are you here to show me a magic trick? Or something?

 

PETER: Yeah, I forgot my blazer. My apologies, sir.

 

(Peter comes in, and Oliver closes the door)

 

OLIVER: Thanks for agreeing to meet me on a Saturday.

 

PETER: Likewise. Go ahead and sit wherever.

 

OLIVER: Alright.

 

(Oliver sits down on his couch, and Peter turns towards him)

 

PETER: Imagine, you’re suffering through shingles. Your son-in-law resents that you’re here. And you need relief. (Peter pulls out a laptop and puts it on Oliver’s lazy boy) This 45-minute clip from Loose Change illustrates perfectly my point.

 

OLIVER: Stop.

 

PETER: Excuse me?

 

OLIVER: Peter, I need to come clean with you. My name’s not Goldberg. It’s Oliver Mulvaney.

 

PETER: People change their names all the time, sir, I understand. Although usually they don’t change them to make them sound more Jewish.

 

OLIVER: No, my name was never Goldberg.

 

PETER: Are you at least a member of the mob?

 

OLIVER: I work for the Hillary Clinton campaign.

 

PETER: Okay, so, yes.

 

OLIVER: No! I’m Madeline’s ex-boyfriend. She had me do this because…

 

(Peter furrows his brow)

 

PETER: …Because why?

 

(Oliver sighs)

 

OLIVER: She sent you here to buy some time so she can figure out how she can fire you, without hurting your feelings.

 

PETER: …You are a part of the mob. Because you just tied cinder blocks to my heart and sank it.

 

OLIVER: I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do this, but she offered to donate to Hillary. But I think what she’s doing is wrong. Go back to her.

 

PETER: …Okay. (Peter looks over and sees an Oculus Rift near Oliver’s computer) Ooh, can I play with your Oculus rift first?!

 

OLIVER: Uhhh….sure?

 

(Cut to Peter, who is now wearing the Oculus Rift)

 

PETER: So wait, can I just walk freely?!

 

OLIVER: What? NO-

 

(Peter walks forward and knocks over a stool with a bunch of papers on it. Cut to Madeline watching TV. They are showing footage of Donald Trump at a campaign rally with his “Make America Great Again” hat on)

 

DONALD TRUMP: We had a case where we had an African-American guy, who was a fan of mine, great fan, great GUY! In fact, I wanna find out- (Trump points right) what’s goin’ on with him. You know what I’m-aw, look at my African-American over here! Look at him!

 

MADELINE: Ugh! (Madeline turns the TV off) It’s almost like he says “my” African-American because he literally paid him to pretend to be a Trump supporter.

 

(Peter barges in, furious, as Madeline turns to him and stands up)

 

PETER: We need to talk.

 

MADELINE: Peter?! What are you doing back so early?!

 

PETER: WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME!?

 

(Madeline sighs)

 

MADELINE: Shit. Did Oliver tell you?

 

PETER: Yes! Because he’s honest! You should’ve just kept dating him! I mean-no, please don’t leave me!
 

MADELINE: Sit down, Peter.

 

(Peter sits down)

 

MADELINE: …I fired you last week. It’s why you haven’t gotten your paycheck.

 

PETER: But why would you do that to me?!

 

MADELINE: Because it was a condition of the investment money we got. The investors wanted you fired if they were going to put the money in.

 

PETER: Shit. Because of the impression I made?

 

MADELINE: Yes.

 

PETER: And you thought the money was more important than me working there? Being your companion? Having a JOB?! Which you always seemed to complain about me not having?

 

MADELINE: It’s only temporary. Once we become successful, I’m sure I can hire you back.

 

PETER: You’re sure? Why?

 

MADELINE: Because they’ll see how successful we are!
 

PETER: Yeah, and they’ll say “don’t let that moron fuck it up”.

 

MADELINE: Please don’t make me choose between my relationship and my business.

 

(Peter takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth, and lights it)

 

PETER: I’m not making you do anything. (Peter inhales and exhales smoke) You’re running a business and by August you’ll be going back to school, how are you going to manage that on your own?

 

MADELINE: I’m not. I’m going to replace you. But I promise, you can be intimately involved in the hiring process! (Peter shakes his head and goes out onto the balcony) Peter!
 

(Madeline goes out onto the balcony)

 

PETER: I don’t wanna talk.

 

MADELINE: Yes you do.

 

(Peter turns to Madeline)

 

PETER: (Whiny voice) Why do you hate meeee!?

 

MADELINE: I don’t hate you, Peter, baby, I just love money! I didn’t put that right. I want to be successful! And to be honest, you aren’t the most competent person on the planet.

 

PETER: I’ve gotten better!

 

MADELINE: Well- (Madeline gets a text and checks it) okay, Oliver just told me you owe him an oculus rift.

 

PETER: Things got crazy.

 

MADELINE: I will find you a good job. And I will bring you back to Cryo Self To Health as soon as you can prove you’re competent enough, because you almost wrecked our investment opportunity with your performance.

 

(Peter takes a drag of his cigarette)

 

PETER: …Fine. I’ll prove it to you.

 

MADELINE: Okay. Now, I’m going to bed.

 

PETER: Come on. Just stay out here with me.

 

MADELINE: You know how I feel about cigarette smoke.

 

PETER: What about that dank herb, though? (Peter takes out a bag of platinum bubba kush) It’s sticky as fuck. So much THC.

 

MADELINE: …Alright. I owe that to you, after all.

 

PETER: Yeah, did you ever say “sorry” for sending me to New Jersey for no reason?

 

MADELINE: Consider this my apology.

 

(Peter takes a drag off the cigarette and throws it off the balcony. An explosion is heard below, rattling both Peter and Madeline)

 

PETER: THE FUCK!?

 

MADELINE: THAT HAS TO HAVE BEEN SOMETHING ELSE!
 

(Cut to Peter and Madeline lying on their bed, both high, staring at each other)

 

PETER: …Jesus, you’re so pretty…

 

(Madeline giggles)

 

MADELINE: So are you.

 

PETER: I’m so lucky to have-

 

MADELINE: Shhh, you don’t have to say anything.

 

(Peter giggles)

 

PETER: I wanna say stuff. I have a lot of things to say.

 

MADELINE: I know. You speak your mind a lot, and that’s why I love you…

 

PETER: We’re not gonna get all “Parks and Rec” sentimental, are we?

 

MADELINE: I love that show…

 

PETER: Me too.

 

MADELINE: I just feel like; I don’t say how much I appreciate you enough…

 

PETER: You’re not super emotional, it’s fine…

 

MADELINE: I feel like, so disconnected from people, but… (Madeline feels Peter’s face) here we can be, joined.

 

PETER: How does it feel?

 

MADELINE: You have great skin…

 

PETER: That was my mom’s doing…

 

MADELINE: I could cut myself on Oliver’s nose, but yours is just so soft and cute.

 

(Peter and Madeline giggle. Cut to Ethan and Nelson sitting in front of a one-way mirror. In the other room, they can see a focus group watching TV, with a scientist standing nearby)

 

SCIENTIST: So, did that commercial make you more likely or less likely to consider buying a Horizonwood Apartment? Or do you feel the same? Raise your hand for “less likely”. (No one raises their hands) More likely? (Everyone raises their hands) Okay. So does it make you more likely to support the construction of these apartments in Hansbay?

 

(They all nod their heads)

 

SUBJECT: They seem like great apartments. I mean, I live in Burlington, but I need somewhere my son and his friend from Hansbay can play. They usually play at the friend’s apartment, but, that place is disgusting. So I would gladly buy this apartment for them to play in.

 

SUBJECT 2: I agree.

 

ETHAN: Okay, this is good.

 

SCIENTIST: Do you know the man in the ad, by any chance?

 

SUBJECT: Ummm…I don’t believe so.

 

SCIENTIST: Raise your hand if you know the man in the ad. (No one raises their hands) No one?

 

SUBJECT 3: Oh, God. Who is he?

 

SCIENTIST: That’s Hansbay City Council candidate Ethan Donahue.

 

SUBJECT: Jesus! He’s a politician!?

 

SCIENTIST: Yes.

 

(The group groans. The first subject stands up)

 

SUBJECT: GODDAMNIT, I HATE POLITICIANS!

 

SCIENTIST: Alright, sir, just relax-

 

SUBJECT: WHERE IS HE?! IS HE BEHIND THAT ONE-WAY MIRROR?! I’LL KILL HIM!

 

ETHAN: Oh, God.

 

(The subject lunges towards the mirror and breaks it with his foot, and Ethan and Nelson stand up, in shock. The researcher tries to hold the subject back)

 

SUBJECT: I’LL KILL YOU, BASTARD!!! BASTAAAAAARD!!!!!

 

ETHAN: Sir, I understand your frustrations with politicians-

 

SUBJECT: I WILL SLIT YOUR THROAT, SCUM!!!

 

NELSON: Ethan, I think we know what our strategy should be at this point.

 

ETHAN: Yeah.

 

(Cut to Ryan and Catherine cuddling on the couch in a dark room while everyone else is asleep, passed out on the ground. They are watching Senator Sanders’ California Primary night speech on TV)

 

SENATOR SANDERS: We are going to fight hard to win the primary in Washington D.C. (Cheering erupts) And then we take our fight for social, economic, racial and environmental justice to PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA!

 

(The crowd erupts)

 

RYAN: Wow, he’s going on.

 

CATHERINE: Yeah. All those establishment assholes are probably wondering why he hasn’t asked Clinton for a job or an aircraft carrier to be named after him yet.

 

(Ryan chuckles)

 

RYAN: They can’t wrap it around their heads that he’s not like any of them.

 

(Catherine turns the TV off)

 

CATHERINE: I feel like I might not be like any of them either.

 

RYAN: …Yeah, you’re not a corrupt politician.

 

CATHERINE: No, I mean, like, your friends. I feel like I may not be like them.

 

RYAN: I think they liked you.

 

CATHERINE: I know, but…I’ve always felt you were really mature for your age. That’s why it never felt weird to date you when you were ten years younger than me. But I felt like things changed tonight.

 

RYAN: Did I seem immature?

 

CATHERINE: A little bit. But especially your friends.

 

RYAN: Really? I didn’t notice that.

 

CATHERINE: Alan is literally dry humping his teddy bear in his sleep right now.

 

(Pan to Alan dry humping his teddy bear in the corner, while asleep)

 

ALAN: (Sleep talking) Had a hard day at work, you bitch, you…

 

(Pan back to Ryan and Catherine)

 

RYAN: Okay, fair enough. But what are you saying?

 

CATHERINE: I don’t know. I just feel like…what do my friends think about me robbing the cradle with you?

 

RYAN: Who cares?

 

CATHERINE: I think they look at it and they’re like “oh, that Catherine, she doesn’t have her shit together”.

 

RYAN: And maybe you don’t. So what? You live at your own pace. I mean, honestly, you just graduated from college. You haven’t had a steady job yet. Embrace where you are in life. Would you rather be married and on the board of an HOA? Or dicking around with college students while my mom and stepdad sleep downstairs?

 

(Catherine smiles)

 

CATHERINE: You’re right. Of course I’d rather be here.

 

(Catherine kisses Ryan)

 

RYAN: Good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go vomit.

 

(Ryan walks towards the bathroom)

 

CATHERINE: Jesus, you kids are such lightweights!

 

(“Beautiful Blue Sky” by Ought begins playing. Cut to Madeline and Peter walking into Cryo Self To Health together, laughing and talking. Madeline kisses Peter and Peter leaves the building. Cut to Mayor Alexander standing in front of the Horizonwood sign, wearing a hard hat and holding a shovel, groundbreaking the apartment building’s construction. He is surrounded by business people, and Ethan and Fiona are standing nearby, smiling. Mayor Alexander ground breaks, and people begin applauding. Cut to Councilman Deters looking at the groundbreaking while shaking his head, clearly angry. Ethan winks at him. Deters walks away. Cut to Catherine driving Ryan back to New York. Ryan is asleep in the passenger seat, and Catherine looks at him, and smiles as she continues driving. Cut to Peter smoking a cigarette on the balcony of Madeline’s apartment, during the daytime. He sees across to another building to see a small child on the balcony of another apartment, staring at him while smiling. Peter waves, but the child doesn’t wave back. Peter finishes his cigarette and throws it on the ground, and smushes it. He then walks inside and sits down on the couch, and opens up Twin Peaks on Netflix. Cut to Ethan walking into his bedroom in a suit. Fiona is on the bed, wearing lingerie. She shakes her head, so, Ethan leaves the room and comes back in wearing a T-Shirt, cargo shorts and a baseball cap. Fiona smiles and beckons Ethan forward. Ethan gets on the bed and starts making out with Fiona. Cut to Ryan and Catherine sitting on Catherine’s couch at the farm, looking through the “SENIORS 2014- HANSBAY HIGH YEARBOOK” while laughing. Cut to Peter sitting on Madeline’s couch in her apartment, watching Twin Peaks. Madeline comes in and waves. Peter looks at her, seemingly pissed, and nods, but then just goes back to watching Twin Peaks. Madeline furrows her brow, and then walks into her bedroom, as the song ends. Fade to black)

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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