How Can I say I Love Him So Much?

I Shivani met Dasrat online some years back. At first I thought it was just casual talks and would be away from my mind. I am very much a conservative person and traditional as I was brought up in that manner by my parent. 

It all started in the year 1998 when I was first introduced to web world by my father. I had never thought in my mind that speaking to people who are of your age group and living in different locations and sometimes a different country will create so much great feeling.

I had started first this web world to create games and search some study material for my kids. Later I came to know that you can even chit chat with people by this electronic media.

I met many people, some I did not liked so kept away from them. Mostly I liked chatting with same age people and avoided or rather I ignored young age people altogether. Still I used to get friend adding requests from many such persons. I never entertained them, avoided saying I am not interested to talk to any young generation people as I believed they have their own age group people to interact and share their views with rather than chit chatting with me. Many times they will start casual talks or lie to me, later when I started to chat they immediately pounce questions on family and personal things which I did not like and never want to discuss with any strangers whom I have not seen or known. They all were just acquaintances who were looking for easy ways to boost with their friends saying I spoke to this lady and we talked of many things. 

Over the years I forgot about Dasrat. Suddenly one fine day I got mail from him in which he said he wanted to be friendly with me and would not talk of anything which I will not like and he left his contact number. I kept that mail for months and never replied to him. 

Then suddenly one day I thought, what is wrong in talking with Dasrat. I called him from phone booth as I did not want him to trace my number or in which city I am. 

We both exchanged pleasantries and kept the call. in my thoughts I never imagined he would be such a content person and mature for his age. I gave him my number so that we could talk as I was not into too much going online. He would call and ask me what I am doing and what I had for lunch and small things and I replied to him saying I was busy in work but would be able to talk later, not during my work times. I was double his age and never wanted to go beyond just friendship. I think he was in his mind having something else. he would call once I reached home and talk for hours together and I would not reply much. I discussed with him things like movies, songs and small things happening around us. He would always say he loves me before ending the call and I always cut the call and said nothing to him. I knew one day he would stop saying those words to me. 

I always wished for someone like a Soul mate who will understand you like you do yourself, as if a mirror image. I even knew that it is all you can see in Movies or in Novels written by romantic novelists, but not in real life. 

I could not find any such person, till I met Dasrat, he was like god’s gift sent to me but in my heart and mind the conflict went like he is younger than me, what will people say, and my relatives, that she could not find someone of her age to Love? In this confusion I never said to him my feelings and kept them in my heart only and always pretended that he was only my friend not anything else. 

Our friendship went for more months and suddenly one day he said can he come and meet me in person as he wanted to see me, how I look in reality. I laughed it off and said no, I would ever want him to come and meet me. As I know I am not that pretty or beautiful, the color of my skin was black and nothing appealing in my face that he has to see in person. I kept on saying no to him. 

Something happened in my life that I got free tickets to go to any destination from my company and I thought, why not I go and see him instead of him coming and meeting me. I went to his place and told him to come and meet me. I said to him I have an official visit and I can’t spend much time. As soon he heard this he was very happy and said he will surely come and meet me at the place I requested.

I was mentally prepared that this will be my first and last meeting with him. Sometime we think something and God has his own plans. We as human beings do not understand this at that moment.

The day came when I flew for the first time in the aircraft and I was so happy, like on cloud nine. I saw close sponge-like white in color clouds creating different shapes and sizes. Many times in the ground I had seen this looking up at the sky, sometimes it would give me the shape of a bird, lion, cat, woman's face. Now sitting in the aircraft I was seeing many more shapes and the sky was so clear as if I am on the wings. I was waiting for the plane to land in the destination and I was even thinking once I finish my work I will place a call to Dasrat to meet me. 

I landed and I got a call from Dasrat asking me, is the plane landed? I said yes it did just few seconds back. He said, okay come towards the exit door, I am standing there. I was like what? I did not ask you to come to meet me here and I didn't want to see you in this time as I have my work to finish. He said, cool down I will not disturb you. You can complete your work and as per your wish we will meet later during the day for lunch. You know Shivani, I could not wait to see you in person so I came to meet you as soon as your feet touched my city ground, the first thing I wanted you to see is me. I was in an angry mood but his words made me laugh aloud. My co passengers were looking at me as if they had seen some funny character making faces. I went towards the exit gate and there were so many people standing. I was like Oh...my god! How I will recognize him now? I think he saw me walking as I sent him my photographs long back so he waved his hands so that I can recognize him. The moment I looked at him I was like, Is this the same fellow with whom I was talking all these times? He looked very smart and good looking in blue color shirt and pant with so much innocence on his face and a very cute smile on his lips. I didn't’t know where to look as I did not want him to read my mind, I just smiled back and walked towards him.

He said, hi, so here we meet in person. I said yes and nodded my head and I told him the place where I have to go for my official meeting with my client. He said he will take care as the city was new to me and looked quite different from what I remembered when I was living in this city. 

He told the cab fellow in the local language to take us to that place and he said he will wait till I finish my meeting. I just said fine and went to meet my client and finished my work. It was late in the noon and I completely forgot that Dasrat would be waiting for me and he did not call me during the meeting as he knew once I am done with that meeting I will surely give him a call. I said to my office colleague to continue with the meeting and that I will be meeting them tomorrow in the office.

I called Dasrat’s number and he cut the call and then called me and said he is waiting down in the building. I came in the lift and went towards the main door of the building and saw him talking on the phone to I thought must be his friends. He said he knows a nearby place where we can have leisurely lunch which is pure vegetarian as he remembered I do not take non-vegetarian food.

We both walked in the restaurant and sat in a corner and he asked how the meeting went by and I said all was good. I am hungry now so let’s do justice to the food which we ordered. In-between we discussed many things and I found him more adorable and thought if he was of my age I would have said to him I love you. But just smiled to myself and continued the talk. He asked about my family and who is with me and other things, in turn I too asked him about his family and where he is staying. He said he lives with his sister and family as recently some years back his mother expired so they shifted to live with him to support him as he was younger in his family.

I said that’s so nice of her to come and be with you when you need her the most. He said yes she is very good person. I casually asked him if he had any girl friend of his age group. for that he smiled and said he had long back when he was in his college days and she got married to someone and settled in her life and he doesn't’t look back to the life which he left. I did not continue the conversation on that matter further and enjoyed the food. he did one thing which touched my heart completely, as soon as the food came he took first in his hand and fed me. I do not remember if I was ever fed like this in my life. My tears came in the eyes which he saw and said, looks like your history came in front of you. I said No, it’s not like that. I did not want him to know how I felt at that moment.

I said only this, I am sure any girl who ever comes as your Wife will be very lucky to have you in her life. He said that’s a very nice gesture of me. I came to the airport after seeing some shops and roaming in the city as my flight was in the late evening hours. As I sat in the cab I was thinking about how god makes people meet and in what situations. God knows it is not the perfect time but makes a way to live that moment. I was thinking like that only whatever time I got I should keep this moment in my heart and mind, who knows whether tomorrow I get such a chance or not.

I boarded the flight and on my return I was only thinking about Dasrat, how he made me so comfortable in the first meeting and never talked of anything which was not going to be liked by me or hurt my feelings. I then really prayed to god to give him the girl who is equally likeable to his character and nature.

I do not know if God was listening to my prayers or not. I came home and was going to sleep then Dasrat called and asked if I was safely back in home. I said yes I am very much and thanked him for giving me such quality time in his city. He said anytime you are welcome again, and at the end of the call he said his usual dialogued …I love you. I smiled to myself and I kept the call.

Next day morning I was getting ready to go to my office. I heard my phone ring but it was not in reality but in my mind it was ringing. I said to myself stop imagining things. He would be busy in his work and he won’t call. Whole two days went by, he did not call me so I thought, here goes the man after meeting me and showing his goodness he is gone away like he never existed.

It was bit surprising to me and more over annoying also as to why he did not call me. I know I was a bit crazy like behaving at this time. Then I said to myself, cool it off, he saw you and in his thought he must have imagined something and he got to see me in a different way, that’s why he kept himself busy and never bothered to call me or mail me.

The days went to weeks and he did not call nor mail me. I also said it's ok as he was very young to me and he was just a friend, if he chooses not to talk with me I should be okay with it.

Deep in my heart I felt as if he was the one whom I was searching for all through my life, my Soul mate, then I shrugged this idea off altogether and went to continue to talk with my other friends online and exchange some views with them who were of my age group.

One day suddenly in the evening hours when I was in home doing my cleaning work I heard my phone ringing continuously. I thought it must be some bank people or insurance people, they keep on calling and disturbing me, so I did not pick up the call.

Again the phone rang after 15 minutes, this time I was watching some TV program and I put the volume down and I picked up the call as a new number was flashing in the phone. I said hello who is this? I heard the voice of Dasrat saying, hello it is me, did you completely forget about me? In a very low tone he was talking. I said, No I did not, but you forgot to call me all these days. He said, oh, as if you could not call me? I said I thought you were no more interested to talk with me so I did not call you as I thought you don’t want to talk with me anymore. He said, no I was not well, that’s why I could not call you all these days and I was wondering why you did not call me. 

I felt so bad in my heart. I should have not imagined so much about him that he did not want to talk to me. I cleared my throat and said, how are you feeling now? What exactly happened to you? he said I am a having severe fever and attack of cold and cough which went so bad that I was not able to get up from bed all these days. 

I said I am really sorry to hear it. You take care of yourself and get well soon. I was about to put the phone down when he said I love you. I did not know without my knowing I said I love you too…. He was like shouting, you said to me, you said to me, I was waiting for these 3 words from you for so long. I feel like jumping now with joy. I cut the call as I did not know why I said to him those words, which have so much meaning. It was not merely words but deep feeling of heart. That night I was thinking, do I really love him or did I just say the words on the spur of the moment.

I realized that I was really in love with him with my whole heart. It is my habit to ask God everything before doing anything so I stood in front of god and asked him to show me the way. is it right for me to Love him as he is very young to me, how will I tell everyone in the family? Should I tell or not? I lay awake the whole night thinking this only. Maybe early in the wee hours I slept for some hours. I got up from my bed and I could see many messages from Dasrat, how he was happy to hear it from me that I love him and it meant so much to him.

I did not know whether to reply to him at that moment so I kept the phone down and started getting ready for the office.

I came to the office and was totally busy in my work and never looked at my phone thinking what if he called and asked me if I just said it or if I really meant it from my heart. I came home in the evening and I know it will be his call only and I picked it up and said hello, how are you feeling now? how’s your health? He said, leave aside all these formalities and enquires. You just tell me what you said last night, was it real or said simply?

I knew well I had to give him a proper reply now. I said, yes I love you, but I am not sure how the family or anybody known to me will react to this. He said; why do you care of others, just think of yourself and what you feel, if it’s sure then why not turn this into a relationship rather than friendship. 

I said, let's wait some more days and if we still feel the same for each other then we can think on those terms. He said, it's okay with him as he is surely and deeply in love with me, from the moment he met me online long years back due to my saying that I do not talk to younger people, and he knew I never liked such talks so he never said online, but when he started talking with me over the phone he was sure and so he said daily those 3 words, I love You. 

I thought, maybe he is just saying this for the time being and over a period of time he will forget all these things and when he will have any girl in his life he will say those 3 words to her. I kept on saying to him, preserve these 3 words for that girl. he said I told her only, and I am sure one day you will feel it that I did not say it for the sake of saying it, but I really mean it deep inside my heart.

Now our talks were more family oriented and his work related, what he did and whom he met and so on. I also started sharing my life with him and he was always there for me just a click of call away, anytime day or night I could depend on him.

Like this many years passed and I thought one day he will go away from me saying he found the girl of his life, but it never happened. Every year went by like this, we both said the same things and laughed on small things and he could sense my sadness even though he was miles away from me.

Suddenly I was so ill I was hospitalized and I wanted him to come and be my side, but I knew he wouldn't’t come due to my family people, what they will say to me. I will be questioned, who is this boy, what he is to you? Why he came to see you?

I was like why can’t he come as my friend and meet me, I really wanted him by my side but he never came. I told him he could have come to see me but he preferred not to come knowing that I was not well. why he did not want to come and see me he said, what answer will you give to your family people about who I am, can you tell them You love me? I was quiet and I know this is the truth, I can’t tell anyone as to how much I love Him more than myself. He was the world to me, my morning started with him and I ended the night with him. Even though we were not living together but lived each moment together.

I really some time wonder why God made us meet when he knew we both will never be together? Why create such hallucination that he is everything to me when he can’t come and see me or meet me when we both want. Nor can I go and meet him, then why has god given the chance for us to meet in the first place. I am really not finding this answer. it has been almost 9 years gone by, still we both live like this, Miles away from each other, but deep in heart I feel he is there with me always.

Love has no religion, no caste, but Age does have major impact I came to know. I am sure his family or mine will never understand what sort of relationship we both carry.

I told Dasrat many times to go ahead with his life and get married to a nice girl. he says to me, yeah yeah I will, but days gone to months, months gone to years, he did not get married. I told him this also, I am getting older day by day and you are young, you need a wife and family to live.

IS This Love? How much Love Gives pain no one knows, only the people who are in love can have this feeling. it tears the heart apart knowing that you love a person but still you have to be away from that person in your life.

26/11/2013
Kalyani
Bangalore