Golden Boy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Trigger warning: story is based off a true story and does contain content of suicide. This is my story of suicide, and I share this story to show how it is not the answer.

Submitted: June 10, 2016

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Submitted: June 10, 2016

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Sometimes I wish I never meet you. Your blue eyes and angled jawline wouldn't appear every time I hear our song. Your hands would have never appeared in my mind every time I was hugged. The pain in my heart and stomach wouldn't ache the way it does today. My mind would be focused on the things that matter; instead it's focused on blue eyes, messy morning hair, and a morning raspy British voice telling me that i'm worth it.

But I did meet you. You were my everything. My all. I was your all. I was your everything. You met me in a battle in heaven. Two angles ran away to avoid chaos, death, and grief, to meet each other. One angel had hair that flowed behind her as she ran away from everything she knew and grew up with. His wings would always seem to flutter to her, even when she hid in the deepest ditch, swam to the edge of the ocean, flew to the most distant sky, or climbed to the tallest mountain, he found her. He held her. Loved her, like nobody could, or wanted to. He was stone. He wasn't the ocean, he wasn't the sun to anybody. He didn't crash down on anybody or light up their day either; instead, he hled himself together by himself. He didn't want anybody, didn't need anybody like she did. Although, he couldn't deny the hair that trailed behind her or how she crashed on him, and brightened his day. Crying in the other's arms, begging to be loved. Begging to be something, to be everything. To love every atom that made up the flaws, the perfects, the bads, the goods, the hate, and the love. I hated how we met at the beginning of time, but you were so perfect and I was desired to be perfect. I desired to be with you.

I remember waking up and having a good morning message every single morning. The smile that would work it's way unto my face when you threw your head back and laughed at my corny jokes. You acted like you hated them, but here you were, laughing so hard your stomach hurt. Crooked teeth that gleaned whenever the sun was in the right position, were used to bite his lip when he fought a smile. Pleasant noises that erupted from his lungs whenever he laughed, made everybody in the room smile. But as time went on, you never laughed, I never laughed.

It developed over time, it wasn't all at once, it grew, you grew, into something that I was scared of, you weren't you anymore. You always seemed so obsessed with what people thought. You always worried what they said, who said it, when did they say it, who did they say it to? When nobody was talking. Nobody was listening. You tore yourself apart, piece by piece. Paranoia, anxiety, and depression all mixed together and crapped out a special thing that I treasured every living moment of my life; you.

I love you so much. I have given you every single atom of me. Maybe it was destructive, or abuse, but I did it because I loved having you with me. I loved every atom of you. I loved your crooked teeth. I loved your long hair. I loved how you complained how tall you were. I loved your morning breath. I loved your fingers as they plucked popcorn out of my hair when we watched movies. I just, I loved you so much. You were the first that I loved. The only one I'll ever love.

I wish you loved me. I wish you loved me so that I could love myself. I wished you loved me so that I could wake up every morning and not smell the morning breath, or not feel the fingers on my skin, or not have the ocean blue eyes that crashed on me, or the crooked teeth that bit my shoulder to wake up. I wish I didn't wake up, expecting you by my side, and only to see, an empty space of cold sheets and stains of spilled drinks.

I wished you loved yourself. I wish you didn't depend on me to be your sun, your ocean. I wished you didn't depend on me to the green that grew brighter everyday. I wished you loved yourself enough to leave at the point where I wasn't the ocean. Where I wasn't full of stories, and secrets that would keep you up at night, wondering who I am. I wasn't the sun. I didn't provide you anything but the night, I didn't light up your world, I didn't warm up the way you did me. I wasn't your greenery. I wasn't the shrub that brushed you lovingly as you passed, or the tree that would hover over you and guide you to where I thought was best for you. I wasn't the stars. I wasn't the milky spots in the sky that loomed over thousands of galaxies, just shining for you. I wasn't the one who provided light in your darkness.

You left me. I knew it was on your own terms. That's what hurt the most. You needed to go. I knew you did. I wanted you to. I wanted you to live your life, and not be held down by me. I wanted you to go to find an ocean, a sun, a sky, a star, a rose. Something that wasn't me. Heck, I would've been happy if you found another rock, just to lean on. But you didn't, you isolated yourself. I didn't understand it, partially because you didn't talk to me, and I thought you just didn't want me. So, it was my doing too. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I left you to sit and dwell on the hurricane of your mind. I cared for you.

It was hard, I will say this, It was hard to hear your name read off to me, as if you were already dead. I hated her monotone voice. she never looked at you as something bright, as I did. She never hugged you the way I did. She just didn't love you. Maybe that's why you were unhappy. I don't know why you chose the hurricane over the rose. I don't know why you left me in the first place.

I know that I will certainly never know why you went as far as to take your life. I don't know why you were unlucky enough to be caught in the eye of the hurricane, I don't know why God gave you the thorns instead of the petals, I don't know why He gave you the flood instead of the wave, I don't know why He gave you the burn instead of the tan, I don't know why He gave you the black hole instead of the shining stars, I don't know why He cursed you with your mind. With the hurricane of your mind. I didn't understand it, but as the days go on without your voice, I start to create another hurricane of my own.

Now go back and read the first sentence of every paragraph.

Sometimes I wish I never met you,but I would have never have been blessed with the experience of what destiny is, of what love is.

But I did meet you, and I'm lucky that I had you, even if it was only for a fraction of my life.

I remember waking up and having a good morning message every single morning, always up until the day where you didn't wake up to a sun.

It developed over time, it wasn't all at once, it grew, you grew, into something that I was scared of, you weren't you anymore. I would want to say that it was a snap of the moment, that you were scared of life, but, in reality, I think you were scared of yourself. 

I love you so much, I did. With every dying breath, I breathe for you. 

I wished you loved me, I wish you didn't have the storm and I wish that you could have devoted yourself to me the way I did. I don't blame you. I love you.

I wished you loved yourself, i know that you didn't, that you were a stone. You hated yourself, I wish you could have felt my love through the thick armor you had.

You left me, I wish you didn't.

It was hard, I will say this, It was hard to hear your name read off to me, as if you were already dead .I know it's hard of me to blame your grandmother. I know you would be mad. But it's true. Nobody loved you more than I did.

I know that I will certainly never know why you went as far as to take your life, I don't know if I want to know, if it would hurt, or heal, I'm not sure. All I certainly know is that I'm hurting, horribly.

You were my first. And you are my last.

 


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