Tiny Footprints

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I lost my baby boy 8 months into my pregnancy. I wasn't allowed to see him but he left tiny footprints all over my heart.

Submitted: June 11, 2016

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Submitted: June 11, 2016



Tiny footprints

I was sitting at home watching TV, having a drink as I had nothing else to do on maternity leave.  Suddenly I feel this searing pain flood through my lower abdomen. Immediately I thought I was going into labour as this was my first child and I didn’t know what to expect. I called my husband Ben and he said to stay calm and that he would be home in 2 minutes. I waited for him to get home; our hospital bag was all packed and ready to go. It was happening.

Ben arrived; we left our house and got into the car. The pain was getting worse and worse by the second. It was like an icy burn that was slowly spreading all over my stomach.  I had never felt anything like it before. I knew that labour was meant to be painful but not like this. The 10 minute journey to the hospital felt like much longer. There were so many stupid traffic lights along the way.  I felt like they were out to get me.

We pulled up into the car park of the hospital and Ben grabbed the hospital bags. I hadn’t got out of the car yet because I was in too much pain. So Ben came around to my side of the car, opened the door and helped me out. As I stood up and got out of the car, I looked at Bens face and it was sheet grey. He was looking at the car seat that I was sitting in. I looked back and the chair had blood all over it.

This was when I knew something wasn’t right.

I went into shock and my vision started to go black from the outside in. Ben got his act together and took me inside. I didn’t really know what to do with myself at this point. When we entered the hospital foyer, the lady at the desk could see what was wrong. Ben told her all the information and I was put in a wheel chair. The nurses pushed me to a room where they told me to put on a backless gown and to get onto the bed, quickly.

The next thing I knew I was being hooked up to numerous bags and tubes and all these kind of things. I didn’t know what was going on until the doctor said that he couldn’t find the baby’s heart beat. This pushed me over the edge. Right there and then on the bed I fainted and became unconscious.

When I woke up, a couple of days later, I was connected to a life support machine and I didn’t really know my surroundings or what I was doing there. Ben told me that I had had a miscarriage at 8 months into my pregnancy. Tears streamed out of my eyes and I tried to rip all of the tubes off of me so I could see my baby boy. Ben held me down and said that he was gone. That I couldn’t see him.  I almost got violent with him. I started to scream and shout. The doctors came rushing in and said that I was going to do myself more harm than good if I kept moving like I was.

I pleaded with the nurses to let me see him. But they said that his body was already gone and that I was unable to. I was absolutely devastated. I was going to take him everywhere and I wanted to show him the world. We were going to call him Jack.

Without even seeing him, he had left tiny footprints all over my heart.

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