So Sorry.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan and Kate were friends for life. When Kate needed Ryan he turned away and now he is left with the guilt. Based on real events. All characters names have been altered.

Warning: may contain triggers due to suicide content.

Submitted: June 12, 2016

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Submitted: June 12, 2016

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So Sorry.

 

It's wrong that the sun is shining today, Kate. It should be black, cloudy: the sky should be mourning your death like I am. It should be shedding tears like I am. The others have gone and left me here alone. Maybe some are embarrassed by the sight of an eighteen year old guy in tears. But I don't care. Let them be embarrassed. I really don't know if these tears will ever stop.

 

You were my best friend. And I believe that I was yours. It had been that way for so long I can't remember a time when it wasn't so. My first memory was meeting you in the park. I was five and you were four. You'd just moved in to a house down the street and we seemed to instantly hit it off. We'd play with other kids but they would come and go while we always stuck together. Strangers used to think we might be brother and sister, we spent so much time together.

 

And all through National school it stayed the same. You were in the class below me but no one questioned our friendship. We'd hang out over break time, meet up in the evenings for homework, make fun of some of the teachers, especially when they had been mean or critical. If either of us had had a bad day the other would soon put it in perspective and by the end of the evening we would both be laughing.

 

My first year at Secondary school was hard on both of us. At least your classmates knew why you were upset; they understood that you were missing me. Apart from those that moved from our school with me, no one at Secondary knew of your existence. I could have easily let myself slip into the role of the school misery but I didn't. I made an effort to fit in so it would help you the following year. And we still had our evenings and weekends together which we always made the most of.

 

You were excited about your move up to Secondary. I had always made sure to accentuate its good points and brush over its bad ones. And you would have me to watch over you, a second year firmly on your side. You were okay. You made some friends, not special ones but people you could hang out with during class and other school activities. So you might not have been one of the ultra popular crowd but you seemed to be happy enough.

 

Then after a couple of years the girls and the guys started pairing up. They all thought of us as a couple but we were never like that with each other. Our friendship was way too precious to risk going that route. We wanted the lasting friendship, the lifetime friendship, not the bitterness of disappointment or divorce. We had promised ourselves that we'd be friends forever and that is what we meant for us to be.

 

I had a couple of girlfriends, nothing serious. They always seemed to treat you with suspicion even though you never gave them reason to. And you had a couple of boyfriends. I tried to stay in the background but I couldn't help feeling protective of you. Do you remember how I broke Sean's nose after he started spreading those rumours? I knew I shouldn't have done it but I have never really regretted standing up for you. I would have done the same thing again if I had had to.

 

Our parents seemed to understand our relationship. When your grandfather died I was allowed to spend the whole night in your room. I can remember how you sobbed and sobbed, your tears falling onto my shoulder. When you fell asleep against me, I eased us into a position where I could just hold you through the night.

 

When I was sick with glandular fever and missed several months of school it was you that brought my work round. It was you that visited every day and filled me in on the gossip, always finding some way to make me laugh. And it was because of you that I didn't fall behind at all.

 

But then this last year, something changed. I started going out with Laura on a more regular basis. She accepted you as my friend but she still wanted me to put her first. When you started dating Greg I started putting her before you. Maybe if I hadn't done that you would still be here.

 

I was still keeping an eye on you though. You didn't like it when I warned you about him, how he had a reputation for throwing wild parties with lots of drink and drugs. You denied this, said he was a kind and thoughtful person. You told me to stop meddling, to let you live your own life. That was our first, and our last, real fight.

 

You came to me that night, the one that became your last. I should have known how badly you hurt, I should have made time to listen. But Laura was waiting, getting impatient; she had enjoyed your absence from my life and didn't want to let you back in. I haven't spoken to her since that night even though I know none of the blame is rightfully hers.

 

I wasn't there for you. I didn't listen to the pain and humiliation. I still remembered the words you had said to me, how you had shunned my warnings and told me to keep out of what didn't concern me. I was too proud to let you back in. For just that moment I wanted you to experience the rejection I had felt.I turned my back on you and walked away -- just when you needed me the most.

 

And now you are gone. You didn't give me a chance to redeem myself, by listening to you and offering you my shoulder. You were dead in your bed before I made it to your side. If I had not denied the so strong love I felt for you, the love of a friend that should always have been available, you would still be here. You would not be laying in that hole in the ground, gone forever from my life.

 

I am sorry, Kate. So very, very sorry. And the guilt I feel today will stay with me forever. You will always remain a part of my life.

 

 


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