Angel Baby

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a shorty story about a young girl who did not have the means to get an abortion and contemplated taking her baby's life.

Submitted: June 14, 2016

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Submitted: June 14, 2016

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How could I be excited about you, knowing no one else would be?  Yet it was hard not to feel a connection to you seeing my change because of you. The little bumps that would occasionally rise from my belly that were probably your tiny fists or legs. I knew you were a fighter because I tried to get rid of you on my own. I purposely fell as hard as I could face down to get you out of me. Even jumped out of a tree. One day out of desperation my best friend and I untwisted wire hangers and stuck then down there hoping to knock you lose. But you wouldn’t come down. I started having nightmares of you missing an eye because of me poking you with that wire. Still you held on. I managed to convince myself that after all I had done you would be deformed so it was better for me to go ahead and get rid of you forever instead of leaving you somewhere where someone could find you. Who would love you looking like a monster? Never even blaming myself that if you did, I would be the one responsible. Never even considered that maybe you would look exactly like me. Not that it would make it any better, I wasn’t the best sight to see. And I sure didn’t want you looking like your piss rat of a daddy. Never even thought to tell him about you. There was no use. He had others before you that he didn’t give a damn about and he sure as hell didn’t give a damn about me. I was light but he liked them white. And you would never be as light as the ones that he did seem to care about. The ones that didn’t look like him. As black as he was and as nappy headed as he was, he had the nerve to be prejudice to his own kind. For nine months I kept a secret that only my best friend knew. I didn’t eat much on purpose and the little bit of weight that I managed to gain, my baggy clothes hid it very well. Besides I was already a chubby one so who would notice.

Woke up one morning thought I pissed myself. The last few months it did seem like I could never get to the bathroom fast enough. I jumped out of bed and looked down to see blood rushing down my leg. It was time! Time to put the plan into action that I had thought about every day for several months. I laid back in bed and covered myself as well as I could. I knew mama would probably stick her head in before work to see why I hadn’t left for school yet. I laid there in pain trying to keep you in until I could be all alone. I grabbed my phone my phone but put it back. No use in me texting my best friend. Although she had been there for me the entire time, I wanted to do this alone. I didn’t want no one to see you looking deformed. I hadn’t even planned to look at you but now I wanted to see how much damage had I done. Why was mama taking so long? You were determined to bust out. The pain was so bad I felt like I wanted to pass out.

Finally I managed to scoot to the door and lock it. I fell to my knees and tried not to scream. Mama yelled out, “I’m gone!”  Finally, but the pain was too unbearable for me to be even slightly relieved. I grabbed the knife from underneath my bed and crawled down to the bathroom and laid on the floor. I pushed and pushed for what seemed like hours and then finally I heard what I thought was a cry. I was in so much pain that it seemed as if I was in another world. I was so weak. I couldn’t even bend down to pick you up. We both laid there for what seemed like hours. Me and tears and you crying screams of frustration. Frustrated from being tired, being hungry, and wanting to be held. How could I do it to you? How I could kill something I created? Lord give me strength, I better hurry up and get this over with. I grabbed the knife and stabbed it down there were you lay between my legs as hard as I could but somehow you moved and I ended up stabbing myself in the inner thigh. Oh my! I was too weak to pull the knife out. I must’ve passed out because when I came thru my grandma was standing over me and with the knife in her hand and you in the other. She was yelling for someone to call 911. “No please don’t I begged”. “Chile it will be alright” is what she said.

 

When I came thru again I was lying in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm wishing I was did. My grandma and my mom were there looking as they hadn’t slept in days. I tried to apologize to them but I couldn’t speak. I didn’t ask about the creature, I was sure it didn’t make it. No use in asking if it were a girl or a boy but as soon as I closed my eyes in my dreams I would see a girl who looked just like my baby pictures but with curly hair and dimples. A beautiful baby who I know I couldn’t have come from me. The next morning I woke to sunlight and baby cries. I blinked my eyes and tried to sit up. My mother stood over me holding the baby that I saw in my dreams. “Angel” I said thru the sobs that overwhelmed me. I tried to say sorry but I was too choked up to get it out. My mama must’ve understood because she said it was ok. She said Angel and I would both be ok.

A few days later she and my grandmother came to take me and Angel home and to my surprise next to my bed were lots of clothes, a crib, and a baby stroller. I knew we couldn’t afford it. I vowed I would a find a way to pay my mama back. I tried to tell her as much but she hushed me right on up and told me to get myself together some family would be stopping by to see Angel.

My best friend came by and my daddy and uncle. My mama’s brother, Uncle Jimmy had been more like a father to me. He was the one who brought Angel all of the new things and promised that there would be more. He was proud of his new niece as he and his boyfriend could never have a child of their own. The shame and disgrace I once felt was long gone. I was determined to be the best mother I could be to my little angel. I returned to school a few weeks later with my head proudly held high. Yes, I was a teen mother. I was a statistic and for right now I was a part of the system but I vowed it wouldn’t be for long. My grandmother took care of Angel while I went to school and my mother watched her during the evening while I worked.

Two years later I graduated with honors. That fall I started nursing school. Angel and I have our own apartment. I don’t have a man in my life and I’m not ready for one. Maybe in the future but right now my focus is on me and my angel baby. I want to make sure she doesn’t have the low self-esteem problems that I had all of my life and I want her to know GOD because HE surely looked out for her. And for me because she has given me a strength that I never knew I had.


© Copyright 2017 Cindy Dancy. All rights reserved.

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