Dear E.S

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A Letter to help me sort out my feelings after a break-up. I'm new at the writing thing so I wanted this to be practice. Hope you like it!

Submitted: June 16, 2016

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Submitted: June 16, 2016

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 Dear E.S, 


Although you will never read this letter, I find it comforting to express my feelings because in some way I believe it can be extremely therapeutic, a simple way to mend my almost broken heart. I know you never wanted to hurt me the way that you did, and I wholeheartedly believe that. However, there are some things that you have done that I cannot possibly forget, sitting in the back of my mind like a rancid aftertaste. I honestly don’t know where I should begin because there is just so much on my mind, so many ambivalent thoughts spiraling around. For instance, one thought is whether or not I should even write this letter to you since you will never read it anyways. It’s shouting into a void; absolutely fucking pointless. Yet here I am, doing it anyways. Well…here it goes. I have nothing else to lose so, why not?


I will begin by saying that my time with you has been quite the ride. For the twomonths we have dated, I truly am grateful for everything you have done for me. Thank you for the chocolate and for watching The Boy with me on Valentine’s Day. Thank you for the Chipotle date and a walk in Baldwin Park, where we sat on a bench overlooking the lake. I remember what a beautiful night that had been; it was perfect since you asked me to be your girl. Thank you for taking me the park – again – where we sat on a blanket and we just talked and things felt right so right with you (Ever since then, I have always wanted to go back, but maybe one day soon). 


Thank you for watching Deadpool with me again. Thank you for introducing me your parents and your dogs, even though Meena hated me. Thank you for showing me your room and our time watching Filthy Frank and other interesting videosto add to your weirdness, which I adored. Thank you for bringing me to meet your friends; I like them and still do and I hope they are doing well. Thank you for giving me endless laughs and for always being there to listen and understand; you have been a gift to me with our time together, as a couple. I know…looking at these two paragraphs with the excess of thank you’s…is already looking like a tedious letter. Trust me; I’m just getting the good things out of the way.


I know that the good memories with always outweigh the bad, but the memory of our break-up is just too hard to swallow; too hard for me to just let go. Even after all these weeks, I am still not over it. I am frustrated. I feel disrespected and I hate feeling disrespected. Might I remind you that you ignored (or should I say avoided?) two times: the first time being our three day break-up, the second time when a girl kissed you at a party. After each of those two occurrences, with you explaining how you couldn’t face me, I took you back because you didn’t deserve to beat yourself up for harshly. I knew you were sincere and I automatically forgave you. I was never angry at you or disappointed. I saw something special in our relationship and I wanted to keep it so I let it go.


I pride myselfin being kind and loving with abandon and giving people, deserving people, second chances. I gave it to you because you were worth it. I accepted you for you, flaws and all. I thought you were beautiful, and I was so lucky to be with a man who cared and treated me well. Naively, after the incidence with the girl, I thought we were doing swell. I thought you were falling for me (I was falling for you; hell, I did fucking fall for you). Then, soon enough that dreadful week came, the week that left me in an overwhelming amount of pain and worrying throughout it. You were distant that week and I was pestering you if something was wrong because I knew you well enough to understand that something was deeply troubling you. I should’ve pressed on but I knew if you wanted to tell me, you would have. Stupid me…


In my mind, it was evident what was going to happen at any time of any day. We were going to end. Our relationship was going to die. I could feel the heaviness of the inescapable truth, sinking down to the pit of my stomach like an anchor. Though, in my heart, it was a ball of hope that maybe, possibly it wasn’t possible and we were going to stick it out. We were going to make our situation work. Our relationship was worth fighting for, wasn’t it? I guess it wasn’t mutual. 
The weekend came and it was a nightmare I never wanted to happen but knew it was coming. When you avoided me, it felt as if I was falling deeperdown the darkness, trapped inside my anxious mind, wondering when it will end. I cried and my heart was so close to shattering. I wondered what I did to deserve this. I wondered if I was good enough for you (I guess I wasn’t). I ruminated on everything I did wrong to make you change your mind. I should’ve ended it because I felt so incredibly idiotic and disrespected but I wanted to give you a chance to prove me wrong. I wanted it to be just a nightmare. But it came true: we broke up on Sunday. My head was right.


You claimed that we both didn’t want it anymore and you said you lost interest and was unsure of your feelings. I sat there and took it that Sunday, reading the text. Texting is such a cheap shot, hiding behind a screen as to not face the consequences. Refusing to talk in person is a cowardly way to handle a break-up. In fact, the reasons, or lack thereof, you said why you “just couldn’t face me” is utterly disappointing and simply not good enough. I know you meant well but it did more harm than good.


Let me tell younow, like I said weeks ago, I did want us E.S. I really did. I rooted for us. I believed we could be something great. I guess I was so wrapped up in my fantasy that I didn’t see the cracks in the relationship.


Looking back, I saw the things that went wrong so clearly now. Yes, we had fun together but it was steady. We lost things to talk about and we went through the same routine of me going to your house and us lying on your bed, asking each other what we wanted to do. I wasn’t exciting enough for you. I was highly emotional, erratic even and I am sorry for that. I am not easy to deal with and I have my issues too. I’m sorry I doubted so many things; I guess it took a toll on our relationship. 


I know you said you would be there for me whenever I need you but something about that perturbs me, gets under my skin. You would be there for me whenever I need you? Where were you throughout that awful weekend when I kept begging for you to answer your phone so we could talk? Where were you when I was hurting and I cried myself to sleep? Were you there when I needed you then? No, you weren’t. So…what makes you think that I would believe your words? I can’t trust you and I’m not sorry. Your whole spiel on “I lost interest in everything and I won’t be interested in anything for a long time” and your sweet words to ease the break-up were just for show, a charade, I so naively fell for. You lost interest in me and I know you found someone else. Wasn’t that why you were on OkCupid? You found a replacement for me since I was obviously too banal for your taste. 


You just said those sweet and seemingly innocent texts to not get in trouble, to not face the consequences. My assumptions may be a long shot with this, I know, but my gut feelings are sometimes on the spot. Did you ever care to tell me the truth? Wasn’t I at least a bit deserving of that? These are questions I will never get answers to.


I guess I saw it coming. I remember having this bad taste in my mouth the Saturday when we went to Lazy Moon. I felt our relationship slipping through our fingers when we got back to your house. You were quieter than usual and you barely could look at me. I was hopeful and kept the creeping, overbearing thoughts out of my head. I believed in us, not realizing then that the upcoming week would be our end. I feel incredibly stupid for not seeing it sooner. I should never have given you the benefit of the doubt. You let me down, E.S. I expected better from you…and from myself.


I should have tried harder for you. I should have talked more or made an effort to see you more often. I should have been more confident, not reserved. I made mistakes in the relationship too, not only you. No one is too be blamed for the break-up. I know it sounds like I am, however, I am just letting out my frustrations, making sense of my sadness.
You have made me fearful for the next guy I come across in my life, who may want to date me. Now I have a preconceived notion that the next guy will find me boring and lose interest in me, thanks to you. I know it wasn’t a terrible 
break-up, but I learned that even the small acts can make a huge, indelible mark on someone. It can change them. 

Only if you let it…

You taught me something valuable in all this. You taught me that I shouldn’t allow anyone to disrespect me or lie to me for that matter. Honestly, I never knew you were good at making lies sound so blameless, or maybe it’s just the fact that I’m pretty naïve and have a lot to learn, which you took advantage of. I know you didn’t mean to but it feels that way. The things that happened in the break-up are not completely unforgivable. I hope to forgive you and your actions one day, just as I hope to forgive my mistakes. I am sorry for what happened. I am sorry for not trying harder and not doing enough to make you happy. I am sorry for not fighting enough to see you more often. All I want is what is best for you. I know my questions will go unanswered but I can move on without them.

I am glad you found a girl who makes you happy, who makes you laugh, and I mean it. I hope she treats you with all the love and respect in the world. Don’t settle for less. I hope you find your one. I know your future will be as bright as the sun. Believe in yourself, E.S, and know your worth. You deserve to be happy. This is good-bye. It’s hard but I have to, for both our sakes. We just aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives and it’s for the better so we can focus our energy on what is really important to both of us, so we can live better, healthier, happier lives. Simple as this, some friendships are not meant to last forever but I will cherish the time we had together. Thank you for the memories.

Sincerely, 
Gray C. Dalton

 


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