Late night thoughts

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 21, 2016

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Submitted: June 21, 2016




When someone tells you that they love you, is it normal for your first thought to be petrified of the love itself? Love, the word itself, is as terifying as a smoke coming out of non-smoker person. And we all know how confusing that is.

When he first told me he loved me, we were walking and we kinda didn't talk much because we were only fourteen but our fourteen was someone else's thirty-five. When he first found out about death,he was eleven. His father was taken way too son. He didn't even smoke and he died of lung cancer. How ironic,isn't it?

When he told me that he had lost a big part of his heart, I cried not because he cried but because I had wished that I can say some simple thing like 'I can't even imagine how sad you are and how much you're suffering' . And I couldn't because I knew what it felt like. I knew what losing someone in your family meant. I knew. And I wish I hadn't. I really wish I hadn't.

His eyes were hazel and beautiful. His smile was the only smile that could bring some light in my darkness. He, himself, was my light.

We were fourteen but I felt like we were old soldiers who just got out of the worst battlefield ever. And somehow, that was true. Only, our battlefield were our minds which we couldn't get away from. You can't escape yourself, at least not alive. That was the hardest thing, you know, running away from something you actually run towards to.

Yesterday I was thinking about life and I realised that life is just a certain amount of time given in order to leave a mark. The world is like a giant,white wall waiting to be painted in colors of emotions. Red for anger, yellow for happiness and purple for love. My part of wall would look like a big twister board with triple colors than usual because that's exactly what mental illnes had done to my emotions.

My emotions were not genuine anymore. I didn't even know what to feel and how to feel. Being in constant fear of something invisible but so strong you can't even talk about it without suffocating and crying for whatever reason. It's hard to explain anxiety disorder while laughing because fuck it I am not able to control my emotions. Sorry to inform you that I am not okay because this morning my first thought wasn't ''Where can I sign petition for giving up on life?''. I'm sorry that I am smiling eventhough I am smiling only because I realised how to kill myself without feeling pain in my stomach and brain. I am smiling not because I'm happy, but because I know that tonight I'll be able to see my big sister who is waiting for me up there.

But you know what's the worst part of anxiety disorder? Ignorance. Because suffering from anxiety and depression at the same time is like jumping into a lake full of sharks that look like your best friends. You're probably wondering why I said 'lake full of sharks' when something like that doesn't even exist but, hey, that's anxiety, fearing of things that are there or not there or soon to be there and that's not how life should be like.

It shouldn't be like that.

Breathing shouldn't feel like gasping for air in a cold, muddy bathtub filled with grief and sorrow. Breathing should set me free but how can breathing set me free from breathing itself?

I really wish I hadn't known how it felt like.

But I loved him too much to tell him the truth. It seemed like a good idea to shut up about myself and put him in the first place and that's exactly what I did.

I should've told him.

Maybe he was meant to be the one who would make me paint my wall all purple.

And at some point,he really was.



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