The Donahues Episode 246

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
After a young Hansbay girl is murdered, an FBI Agent is called into help local law enforcement crack the case. Ethan must fight Deters' politicization of the tragedy, and Chris Hayes, Cynthia and Jason must figure out what went wrong with Pearle Lawson.

Submitted: June 22, 2016

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Submitted: June 22, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“TWEEN PRICKS”

 

TV-MA DLSV

 

“Through the darkness of future past the magician longs to see. One chants out between two worlds, fire walk with me”

-David Lynch

 

 

(We start with a bird on a branch looking upwards, as the Twin Peaks intro music plays. The bird starts hacking profusely. Cut to a mill, spewing black smoke. Cut to a view of Lake Champlain. Cut to a beer can floating in the water of Lake Champlain. Cut to the front of the Sullivan Hotel. There is a fountain, with a homeless man in it, washing himself. Cut to a sign next to the road reading “Welcome To Hansbay, Population: 25,247- Home of the doorstop”. The words “THE DONAHUES” appear on screen, as the music ends, and we cut to Ryan applying eyeliner in a mirror as dark, foreboding music plays in the background. Cut to Irville Satch walking into the living room of the Blumenthal household, where Amy is reading the Hansbay Quintessential on the couch. The headline on the back reads “OBAMA ENDORSES CLINTON AFTER MEETING WITH SANDERS”. Irville licks his hand and applies it to Amy’s cheek)

 

IRVILLE: I love all of you.

 

AMY: Please go away.

 

IRVILLE: Okay. I’ll be out fishing then. (Irville walks towards the door. Cut to Irville walking along Lake Champlain. He is whistling, but suddenly he sees a long bag near the shore. He looks over at it) Ooh, looks like someone left a sandwich. (Irville walks over to the bag to see a body is in it) Oh my gaaad! That is no sandwich I’ve ever darn seen!!! I need to call someone! (Irville takes out his iPhone and calls 911) Hello?

 

DISPATCHER: (On the phone) Hansbay police, what is your emergency?

 

(Irville is breathing deeply)

 

IRVILLE: I found what I thought to be a sandwich on the shore of Lake Champlain. But I believe it’s a body.

 

DISPATCHER: Oh. Oh my God. Okay, we’ll send law enforcement immediately. Thank you.

 

(Cut to Sheriff Warren standing over the body with two other law enforcement officers taking pictures. Doctor Fleischmann is also there)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Alright, let’s see who this is.

 

(Sheriff Warren turns her over and pulls down the bag to see a teenage girl’s face)

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: By God. It’s Pearle.

 

POLICE OFFICER: Who’s Pearle?

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: The most popular girl in school. (Doctor Fleischmann tears up) Why did it have to be a popular girl?

 

(Cut to Pearle’s mother, talking on her cell phone in her kitchen)

 

PEARLE’S MOTHER: I’m very worried about Pearle, she’s not here, do you know where she is?

 

(Cut to Pearle’s father, talking on his cell phone in the lobby of the Sullivan Hotel)

 

PEARLE’S FATHER: No, she’s not with me. She should be in summer school.

 

PEARLE’S MOTHER: (On the phone) Well, she’s not here. Could she be out with Chris Hayes?

 

PEARLE’S FATHER: I really hope not. That guy is fucking annoying. (Sheriff Warren walks into the Sullivan Hotel and looks at Pearle’s father) Oh, God.

 

PEARLE’S MOTHER: What is it, Larry?

 

LARRY: Oh Jesus, Pamela.

 

PAMELA: What?!

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Are you Larry Lawson?

 

(Larry hangs up the phone and stands up)

 

LARRY: What?! Yes! What’s going on!?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: I’m so sorry.

 

LARRY: …Why?! What happened?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: I thought you inferred what happened-your daughter is dead.

 

(Larry starts breaking down crying)

 

LARRY: NOOOOO!!!!

 

(Andrew Blumenthal comes in)

 

ANDREW: Larry, can you hurry up your crying? We’re making big deals in there with the Japanese!

 

LARRY: MY DAUGHTER’S DEAD!!!

 

(Larry continues crying, as Andrew stands in shock)

 

ANDREW: …Oh my God…

 

(Cut to Colleen Diamond working at Bernie’s Grinders. She takes a sub sandwich over to a booth where Chris Hayes is sitting, whilst vaping)

 

COLLEEN: Chris Hayes, what are you doing here? You know Trey comes in here all the time.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Trey doesn’t know about us, babe.

 

COLLEEN: But he’s so smart! I swear one time he guessed that I wanted vanilla ice cream. He’s like, psychiatrist!
 

CHRIS HAYES: When do you get off work?

 

COLLEEN: Like, ten minutes.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Okay. I’ll be in my OBSCENELY expensive sports car that I neither appreciate, nor deserve.

 

(Chris Hayes smiles and walks oustside, and Colleen just giggles and walks over to another table. Cut to Chris Hayes and Colleen in Chris Hayes’ 2017 Audi R8. Chris Hayes is driving, while vaping. A police car wizzes by them as they drive. Colleen takes out a canteen of booze and drinks a little)

 

COLLEEN: Want a little pick-me-up before summer school, boy wonder?

 

CHRIS HAYES: I don’t believe in drunk driving, but, I do believe in being cool. (Chris Hayes drinks a little bit of Colleen’s canteen and hands it back to her) You’re sure Trey isn’t home, right?

 

COLLEEN: Positive.

 

(Chris Hayes drives near Colleen’s house to see Trey’s truck, which says “Goodlatte’s Wood Shop”)

 

CHRIS HAYES: SHIT! He’s here!
 

COLLEEN: God, I don’t know why he’s home, I’m gonna have to jump out and roll!

 

CHRIS HAYES: WAIT! (Colleen jumps out of the car, and rolls on the dirt road) FUCK! (Chris Hayes turns around) She should’ve just waited for me to slow down!
 

(Chris Hayes drives away. Cut to Chris Hayes walking into Hansbay Community College to see Sheriff Warren and another Officer)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Chris Hayes?

 

CHRIS HAYES: What?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: We need to talk to you, son.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Don’t you know I don’t respect authority, BITCHES?! Watch me drop this freestyle. I don’t fuck with cops. They are such slobs. Go buy a donut. I bet you-

 

SHERIFF WARREN: SHUT UP! Get in the library.

 

(Chris Hayes sighs and walks into the library. Sheriff Warren and the other officer walk into the library after him. Cut to Chris Hayes sitting down at a library table. Sheriff Warren and the other officer stand over him)

 

CHRIS HAYES: What is this about?! Are y’all a bunch of narcs? Or what?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: I mean, yes. Obviously. But that’s not why we’re here. I’m Sheriff Warren, this is Officer Adams.

 

OFFICER ADAMS: S’up?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: We have something to tell you. Your girlfriend, Pearle Lawson, was found dead this morning.

 

(Chris Hayes sits up in his chair)

 

CHRIS HAYES: …What?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Yes. I’m sorry. She was murdered. And it’s our job to find out who done it.

 

(Officer Adams takes out a magnifying glass)

 

OFFICER ADAMS: That’s why I have this.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Hold on, am I a suspect?!

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Everyone is a suspect. Except Hal, we all know Hal didn’t do it. (Cut to Hal pushing a library cart. Hal waves and smiles, cut back to Sheriff Warren) Hal’s a good man.

 

CHRIS HAYES: I didn’t do ANYTHING! I loved her!

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Chris Hayes, Officer Adams is going to have you make a call. You should have a lawyer present next time we question you.

 

CHRIS HAYES: FUCK you guys! I am an innocent man!

 

(Officer Adams stands Chris Hayes up)

 

OFFICER ADAMS: Then don’t be a bad boy.

 

CHRIS HAYES: What?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Take him away.

 

(Cut to Officer Adams searching Pearle’s room. Larry is sitting on Pearle’s bed)

 

LARRY: …I just still can’t believe my baby’s gone…

 

(Officer Adams picks up a diary)

 

OFFICER ADAMS: Is this her diary?

 

LARRY: Yes.

 

OFFICER ADAMS: Do you have the key to this?

 

LARRY: …No…

 

OFFICER ADAMS: Okay, hold on. (Officer Adams bangs it against a desk, and it pops open) Cool, I got it. What’s in here?

 

(Officer Adams opens the diary)

 

LARRY: Do you have to read it right here?

 

OFFICER ADAMS: Come on, who doesn’t like gossip?

 

(Cut to Jason Griffin rolling up to a gas station called “Lyin’ Ted’s Gas Farm- est. 1989” on a hoverboard. A man with curly hair and a plaid shirt comes out to greet him)

 

JASON: …Pearle’s dead.

 

TED: Yeah, I heard. (Ted rubs Jason’s back) Can I buy you a dog?

 

JASON: Can’t do it-wait, why?

 

TED: I don’t know…to replace her?

 

(Jason sighs)

 

JASON: I assume your intentions are in the right place, but no. Pearle was the one.

 

TED: Wasn’t she dating Chris Hayes-

 

JASON: Yes. Okay?

 

TED: So you were-

 

JASON: A homewrecker, that’s correct. Jesus, Ted, you DON’T UNDERSTAND!

 

(Jason rolls away slowly on his hover board. Ted shakes his head and looks at his store’s sign)

 

TED: I regret that name for so many reasons.

 

(Cut to FBI Agent Cooper Dunham, driving while speaking into his iPhone’s audio recording app)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Donna, it is 11:48 AM on Friday, June 10th, 2016. I’m driving towards Hansbay, Vermont. It’s a small suburb of Burlington, fifty miles south from the Canadian border, three miles east of the state line. I’ve never seen so many trees in my life. That may have something to do with the fact that I wasn’t let out of my house until I was twelve years old, and even then I lived in New Mexico so nothing grew there. But my God, the wilderness here is incredible. I ran over a bear. Anyway, lunch was twelve dollars and seventeen cents at the Wheelbarrow Brown & Food Barn. The food was alright, but the folksiness was priceless. They called it a food barn. I think these people truly consider themselves livestock. I am going to meet with- (Agent Dunham looks at his phone) Sheriff Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren-my apologies, I was reading Donald Trump’s Twitter feed. Man, that guy sucks. The guy’s name is- (Dunham looks at his texts) Sheriff Phillip Warren. He’ll be at Hansbay Hospital, apparently they found a disoriented woman wandering around near the train tracks, and they’re looking into whether she might be of interest to this case. (Agent Dunham drives past the “Welcome to Hansbay” sign) That reminds me, I need to ask Phillip what kind of trees these are. I have a hard-on for these fucking trees.

 

(Cut to Sheriff Warren and Agent Dunham walking down the hallway of a hospital)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Have trouble finding us?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: No, not at all. Say, can you tell me why the bears here are so damn combative?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Combative?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Oh, I just bumped one with my car and he stole one of my tires, I just wonder why, is all.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Sounds like you did have a little trouble getting here.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: It’s no trouble at all.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Well, I’ll tell you, we’re sure glad to have the FBI involved. We’re pretty lucky Pearle had stepped out across the state line before getting murdered. We’re obviously not lucky she was murdered, but-

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Sheriff, let’s stop for a second. (Agent Dunham and the Sheriff stop walking and face each other) Let’s make one thing clear so that we don’t have any problems going forward. When the bureau gets called in, the bureau’s in charge. Some local law enforcement have a problem with that, I hope you don’t.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: No, sir, I’m glad to have the FBI here.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Good. I’m happy to get away from civilization for a few weeks.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: We’re civilized too-

 

AGENT DUNHAM: What are those beautiful goddamn trees out here called, Sheriff?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Sugar Maples, sir.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Sugar maples… (Agent Dunham) can I get a copy of the coroner’s report on the dead girl?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: The autopsy hasn’t been completed yet, unfortunately, sir.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Alright, can you take me to the other girl that you found?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Sure. Follow my lead.

 

(Agent Dunham follows Sheriff Warren. Cut to Agent Dunham and Sheriff Warren standing over a teenage girl’s hospital bed. The girl has a black eye. A male doctor is standing over her as well)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Where was she found?

 

DOCTOR: Stumbling, disoriented, half-naked near the train tracks. It was pretty sexy. (Agent Dunham and Sheriff Warren stare at him) Sorry.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: I’m gonna examine her nails, if you don’t mind.

 

DOCTOR: Please.

 

(Agent Dunham takes out a flashlight and looks at her nails)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Damnit, there’s nothing here. Sheriff Warren, can we go see the body of Ms. Lawson?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Of course.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Thank you, weirdo creepy doctor.

 

(Agent Dunham follows Sheriff Warren out of the room. Cut to Agent Dunham and Sheriff Warren on an elevator, going down. It stops at the third floor. They get off, to see Doctor McMorris, Ryan’s therapist. He turns to them)

 

DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Sheriff Warren. Nice to see you. Who’s this handsome fellow here?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: This is special agent Cooper Dunham.

 

DOCTOR MCMORRIS: FBI!

 

AGENT DUNHAM: That’s the one.

 

DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Doctor Theodore McMorris, Agent Dunham. Yeah, man, this is a terrible tragedy. Pearle was a patient of mine. Man, she was a stunner. Listen, you’re on your way to the morgue now, mind if I join you?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Yes, I absolutely do. Why would you want to?

 

DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I don’t know, I’m just a tag-along guy.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Well, when we go out for coffee later, we’ll let you know.

 

DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Fair enough. Oh, by the way, uhhh…Pearle’s parents didn’t know I was seeing her. (Doctor McMorris chuckles) I was seeing her a lot, too.

 

(Doctor McMorris chuckles)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: …Sorry, are you admitting to us that you were fucking Pearle Lawson?

 

DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I’m clearly holding you guys up, be on your way!

 

(Doctor McMorris nods and walks away)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: This town has a lot of weirdos in it, huh?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: You should see another one of McMorris’ patients, kid named Ryan Donahue. Talk about a weirdo.

 

(They walk away. Cut to Agent Dunham in the morgue with Sheriff Warren and Doctor Peter Meredith, the coroner. Agent Dunham is examining the nails of the victim)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: There’s white powder residue on her fingers, make a note of that. It’s probably cocaine. (He digs down under the nails and pulls something out) Jackpot!
 

SHERIFF WARREN: What?

 

(Agent Dunham holds up a slip of paper with the Canadian flag on it)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: This was found under the fingernail of a murder victim in New Hampshire. This must be the same killer.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: …So he’s like a Canadian extremist?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Let’s not start putting labels on things, Sheriff.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Sorry.

 

(Agent Dunham takes out his iPhone and begins a voice recording)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Donna, it’s another one. This canuck has politely killed another one, eh?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: That seems pretty label-y.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Tell Greg about it. Dunham out.

 

(Agent Dunham stops the voice recording. Cut to Cynthia Fleischmann running up to Ted near the gas pumps at Lyin’ Ted’s. Cynthia hugs Ted)

 

CYNTHIA: I miss her so much.

 

TED: I am so sorry, Cynthia.

 

(Brennan pulls up in his car)

 

BRENNAN: Yo! Cynthia! What are you doing?!

 

(Cynthia turns to Brennan)

 

CYNTHIA: Grieving, swaggot! What the fuck do you think I’m doing?!

 

BRENNAN: Chris Hayes is in big trouble, the FBI are interviewing him about Pearle’s death! You’re supposed to be there for him!

 

CYNTHIA: Since when do you give a fuck about Chris Hayes, douche nozzle?!

 

BRENNAN: He’s my weed plug! Now get in the car!

 

TED: Can it, junior.

 

BRENNAN: Noneya, Ted.

 

TED: You’re on MY LOT, friend!
 

BRENNAN: I’m never buying rillos here again, broseph! Cynthia, I better you see down there!

 

(Brennan drives away Cynthia turns to Ted)

 

CYNTHIA: Gosh, I really know how to pick ‘em, don’t I?

 

(Ted chuckles. Then his wife comes out of his house, right next door, and starts yelling)

 

TED’S WIFE: TEEEEED!!! ARE ALIENS GOING TO TELL THE SINK TO STOP SCREAMING!? BECAUSE I CAN ASK THEM TOO!!!!

 

TED: I’LL BE IN THERE IN A SECOND, HONEY! (Ted’s wife goes back inside) I know how to pick ‘em, too.

 

CYNTHIA: You really need to get her help, man.

 

TED: I’m waiting it out.

 

(Cut to Chris Hayes and Micah Schultz sitting on one side of an interrogation table, and Cooper Dunham and Sheriff Warren sitting on the other side)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Chris Hayes, did you kill Pearle Lawson?

 

CHRIS HAYES: NO!

 

MICAH: Chris Hayes, you’re gonna have to yell that louder if you want them to believe you.

 

CHRIS HAYES: NOOOOOO!!!!

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Quiet.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: She was studying at your house until about 9:30 last night, correct?

 

CHRIS HAYES: Yeah, we studied REAL hard. We studied…bong theory.

 

MICAH: Chris Hayes.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Sorry.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Did she drive herself home?

 

CHRIS HAYES: Yes.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: You two had a big fight last week, didn’t you?

 

CHRIS HAYES: SO WHAT?!? IT DOESN’T MATTER! SMELL THE ROSES! THERE ARE MILLIONS DYING IN AFRICA RIGHT NOW, THIS IS A SMALL, SMALL, FIRST WORLD PROBLEM! STOP BITCHING! I DIDN’T KILL HER!

 

(Chris Hayes smiles)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Chris Hayes, this is how this works. We ask questions. And you answer them. Briefly. And to the point. (Agent Dunham takes out his iPhone and pulls up his Snapchat) I received this snapstory from one of Pearle’s friends, Chris Hayes-

 

(He shows a snap story which starts with footage of Pearle Lawson and Cynthia Fleischmann dancing with the caption “drink af”)

 

CHRIS HAYES: How did you-

 

AGENT DUNHAM: A lot of people follow me on Snapchat. I’m a very popular user. (The next snap is video of Cynthia and Pearle passed out on the carpet, making “snow angels” with caption “what even thoooooooo” with three eggplant emojis) Did you snap these snaps, Chris Hayes?

 

(Chris Hayes sits up, stunned)

 

CHRIS HAYES: No…

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Well, if you didn’t, who did? Did you know Pearle was seeing someone else? (Chris Hayes looks at Dunham) That’s what you two fought about last week, isn’t it? (The next snap shows Pearle and Cynthia talking outside while Cynthia lights the wrong end of a cigarette. The caption reads “LITERALLY DYING” with four cry face emojis) Look at these images. She looks so happy. (Agent Dunham takes a breath and puts away his phone) You ever do cocaine with Pearle, Chris Hayes?

 

CHRIS HAYES: Yes! Yes, a lot!
 

MICAH: Chris Hayes.

 

(Chris Hayes sighs)

 

CHRIS HAYES: Sorry, that was a lie. No, we never did cocaine. But only because we couldn’t find any!

 

MICAH: Jesus, man, you’re trying to stay out of jail, right? Listen- (Micah looks at Dunham) what exactly are you charging my client with?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: That’s right… (Agent Dunham texts something to Sheriff Warren) you’re a big TV news host, aren’t you, Chris Hayes? (Sheriff Warren checks the text and sees it says “This wannabe hard-ass didn’t do it”) If you knew who she was seeing, Chris Hayes, now’s the time to tell us.

 

CHRIS HAYES: Why don’t you ask Cynthia?! She was there with her!
 

AGENT DUNHAM: Because I’m asking you! Come on, Chris Hayes, give us a name! I’ll give you a hint. We found her referring to- (Agent Dunham pulls out Pearle’s diary) someone by the letter “J” in her diary. Who do you think “J” is?

 

CHRIS HAYES: …No, there’s no way she would ever cheat on me. That bitch. She didn’t do it.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Then why are you so mad?

 

CHRIS HAYES: BECAUSE SHE WOULDN’T DO IT!
 

AGENT DUNHAM: You didn’t love her anyway. (Agent Dunham stands up) Get him out of here.

 

(The lawyer and Chris Hayes leave)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: That last twist of the knife seemed a little unnecessary.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Ask the Mayor to schedule a public forum on Pearle’s death for this Sunday. I want to wait two days for the public to calm down a little bit. There, we can tell the public what they need to know.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Got it.

 

(Agent Dunham leaves. Cut to Japanese businessmen sitting in the ballroom of the Sullivan Hotel, speaking Japanese to one another. Sarah comes in and leans against the wall. They all stare at her)

 

JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN: (Thick Japanese accent) Excuse me, could we help you?

 

SARAH: My friend, Pearle Lawson, was murdered on Thursday night. And this is about me. Just like the massacre in Orlando last night was about Donald Trump, this tragedy is about me. And you should all know that.

 

(The Japanese businessman look around, confused. A white, American translator stands up)

 

TRANSLATOR: ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????.

 

(The Japanese businessmen look around at each other, in shock. Cut to the Japanese businessmen leaving the hotel, while the concierge ringing the bell)

 

CONCIERGE: The Japanese are leaving!! The Japanese are LEAVING!!!

 

(Andrew runs in)

 

ANDREW: What?! NO! COME BACK! WE HAVE SEX ROBOTS! And, and, Sarah-what is that thing you watch all the time?

 

(Sarah walks over)

 

SARAH: Oh, you mean hentai?

 

ANDREW: No, NOT HENTAI! DAMNIT! THEY’RE GONE!

 

SARAH: Hmm. I wonder how that happened.

 

(Andrew turns to Sarah)

 

ANDREW: Sarah, why?! I got my act together for you, and I hired you to work for me because, because I want to get to know my daughter!
 

SARAH: Well, I don’t like being told to shut up about my murdered friend.

 

ANDREW: How well did you actually know her?

 

SARAH: We were Facebook friends and that’s all that is required to make a post about her death, YOU’RE SO INSENSITIVE, DAD!!

 

(Sarah runs away, as Andrew throws up his hands. Cut to Ethan in his apartment, watching coverage of the Orlando, Florida Pulse Night Club massacre. They are showing an aerial view of the Pulse Night Club)

 

RICHARD STOVALL: (Voice over) Fifty people, including the gunman, were murdered at the Pulse Night Club early this morning. The Pulse Night Club is a primarily gay night club, and the massacre is being investigated as a hate crime and an act of terrorism.

 

ETHAN: Jesus. Those poor souls.

 

RICHARD STOVALL: This tragedy is also the worst mass shooting in American History, and the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil since 9/11.

 

(Nelson comes in and turns off the TV)

 

NELSON: Come on, man, you have to be on your A-Game tonight at that meeting. The people of Hansbay are distraught over Pearle’s death. If you can bring them together, it’ll make you look like a leader. And that will be good for the campaign.

 

(Ethan stands up while putting his jacket on)

 

ETHAN: I’m not going to exploit this tragedy for my own political gain.

 

NELSON: Why not? Donald Trump did, with Orlando. He said he “called it”.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, if you make bets that a bunch of people are going to be killed with guns in America, you’re never going to lose. But don’t bet on that, because that’s really fucked up.

 

NELSON: Well. At least be there for the community.

 

ETHAN: Of course. Let’s go.

 

(Nelson and Ethan leave. Cut to Mayor Alexander, Agent Dunham, Councilman Deters, Ethan, Nelson and Sheriff Warren sitting behind a dais in a City Hall meeting room. People are being seated before them. People including Andrew Blumenthal, Irville Satch, Amy Satch, Ryan Donahue and Sarah Blumenthal are in the room)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: I saw this, I don’t even know what to call it-

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Snowshoe rabbit-

 

AGENT DUNHAM: (At the same time as Sheriff Warren) Oddly enticing furry-

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Wait, what?
 

AGENT DUNHAM: Snowshoe rabbit, that’s what he must’ve been.

 

(Ethan leans over and extends his hand to Agent Dunham)

 

ETHAN: Hello, Agent Dunham, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Ethan Donahue.

 

(Agent Dunham shakes Ethan’s hand)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Pleasure. Are you a city councilman?

 

ETHAN: Almost. I’m running for it right now, and Mayor Alexander was kind enough to let me sit behind the dais to show solidarity with people of our community who’ve been so tragically affected by this.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: It is awful, yes. Mr. Donahue, how long have you lived here?

 

ETHAN: About 29 years. Why?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Okay, well, can you tell me who that woman is right there?

 

(Agent Dunham points to Amy Satch)

 

ETHAN: That’s Amy Satch. She’s a housewife, and she’s married to that man there, Irville Satch. He’s the head of the Tugboat operator’s union.

 

(Ryan walks in)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: And who’s the babe?

 

ETHAN: That’s my son.

 

(Agent Dunham smiles)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Yeaahh, she is. (Agent Dunham turns to Ethan, now serious) Wait, is she really?

 

ETHAN: Why are you saying “she”?! Yes, he’s my son!

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Ooh. I apologize.

 

ETHAN: It’s fine, I don’t really blame you.

 

(Ryan sits down next near Sarah, Irville and Amy)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: So, Sarah and Ryan are friends?

 

ETHAN: Yes, but they’re also exes. And Irville and Amy are Sarah’s parents.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: They seem to be pretty cold to him right now.

 

ETHAN: They’re pissed because Sarah helped finance Ryan’s trip to California, which is in a week or two I think, with THEIR money.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Why would she do that?

 

ETHAN: T’was a drunken gift given during Ryan’s recent 21st birthday. Ryan and his band want to record and there’s a studio in LA willing to do that.

 

(Andrew Blumenthal comes over and shakes Ryan’s hand)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Who’s the glad-handing dandy?

 

ETHAN: That’s Andrew Blumenthal. Amy’s ex-husband. He was an alcoholic, but he got clean last year, started a very successful small business, and ended up purchasing the Sullivan Hotel in April. Now he’s trying to reconnect with his daughter. Plus, he’s after Irville’s land.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Irville has land?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Not that much. Just a few yards. Andrew’s just being vindictive. It’s sad, really.

 

(Mayor Alexander bangs a gavel and stands up with a microphone)

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Attention, everyone. Obviously, we’re all here today under difficult circumstances. The tragic murder of Pearle Lawson on Thursday, and the unspeakable evil that occurred last night in Orlando. But the murder of Pearle Lawson didn’t involve a gun so it’s much easier for politicians like me to talk about, so let’s begin. (Mayor Alexander clears his throat) Pearle was, just that. A pearl. A pearl in our community that shined like no other. That glimmer may dim, but it will always shine in our hearts. (Mayor Alexander nods his head) Agent Dunham would now like to talk to you.

 

(Mayor Alexander sits down and Agent Dunham goes to the microphone to speak)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Thank you, Mr. Mayor, that was very moving. (Agent Dunham clears his throat) Ladies and gentlemen, I am FBI Special agent Cooper Dunham. One year ago, almost to the day, just miles from here in Burlington, the body of a young girl named Bertha Terrance was found. She had no family. No one came forward to claim her body. It wasn’t even news. Until today. There are obvious similarities between the two killings that for obvious reasons I cannot discuss that lead us to conclude that Pearle Lawson is the second and Pamela Rosebush would’ve been the third victim of the same killer. For reasons I can’t disclose, we believe this killer is of Canadian nationality, but currently lives here in Vermont. Possibly even here in Hansbay. Maybe it’s even someone you know. Someone in this room. Perhaps even you. If you have any information about this, please come forward. You are the leaders of this community, so it is vitally important that this not turn into a witch hunt. But, just to be clear, this fucker’s a Canadian. Be on the lookout for accents and unwarranted politeness. This is not profiling. This is just good police work. I strongly suggest a curfew for anyone under the age of eighteen. Stay inside past nine, people. I do remind you that these crimes occurred at night. Thank you.

 

(Agent Dunham sits down, as Councilman Deters gets up and grabs the microphone)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: I find it to be an OUTRAGE that a Canadian killed our dear Pearle! We have to stop letting these Canadians come across the border! Guess who let them in to begin with, folks?

 

(Mayor Alexander stands up)

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Hey, what’s all this about now?

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Ethan Donahue did! Remember Horizonwood Apartments?! Their corporate headquarters are in Quebec! The Canadians are killing our children and Ethan is making them all SORTS of money!

 

(Ethan stands up)

 

ETHAN: Greg, what the hell are you doing?! This is super offensive!

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: He wants Canadians to build your homes! Next thing you know, they’re sending a moose with a suicide vest in there!

 

ETHAN: Evan, say something!

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Ooh, you better stop it, buster! Or…

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Or what?!

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: …I’m sorry, Ethan, I just really hate you-I endorse Deters for City Council! (A large portion of the crowd cheers) I’m gonna go cry in my office and go to sleep.

 

(Mayor Alexander leaves. Ethan throws up his hands and sits down, as Nelson pats his back. Cut to Colleen Diamond in a living room, watching Richard Stovall report the news on television)

 

RICHARD STOVALL: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie tried to dispel rumors this week that he has become Donald Trump’s “manservant”, after it was reported that Chris Christie often fetches McDonald’s for the presumptive Republican nominee. It’s unclear which is more embarrassing in this story- that a former Presidential hopeful has now degraded himself to fetching fast food for a reality TV star turned fascist politician, or that Trump, a 70-year old adult man, eats McDonald’s. We’ll let you decide.

 

(Pan over to Trey Goodlatte, who is sitting on a couch in the same living room Colleen is in. He sees a bunch of e-liquid bottles on the coffee table in front of him. He picks two of them up and examines them)

 

TREY: Colleen, turn the TV off.

 

COLLEEN: No way, Trey! This is hilarious.

 

TREY: Colleen, turn it OFF.

 

(Colleen looks at Trey to see he’s serious. Colleen turns the TV off and faces him)

 

COLLEEN: What even?

 

TREY: Come over here and help me with something. (Colleen walks over and sits next to Trey) What kind of E-juice do you vape?

 

COLLEEN: Whatever’s around.

 

TREY: No you don’t. You vape- (Trey holds up an E-juice bottle) diet coke flavor, what is- (holds up another E-juice flavor) High Times flavor doing here?

 

COLLEEN: Come on, Trey, I pick up different flavors all the time. Ryan came by today, he let me vape something called “fleshy pony heaven”.

 

TREY: ENOUGH, COLLEEN! Let’s get one thing straight, when I come home, this house should be so clean I could drag my dirty dick across the carpet and get hard! Because I usually do! I have stimulation problems, after all!
 

COLLEEN: Right.

 

TREY: Secondly, you vape one flavor from now on, and that’s Diet Coke! Got it?!

 

COLLEEN: Can I at least go back to vaping “Coke”?

 

TREY: NO! How are you ever gonna lose weight like that?!

 

COLLEEN: You’re right, I’m sorry.

 

TREY: Good.

 

(Trey vapes his e-cigarette, gets up and walks out the door. Cut to Agent Dunham in the lobby of the Hansbay police station with Sheriff Warren)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Are you ready to go, Sheriff?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Born ready, Agent Dunham.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Alright, let’s just walk through the door here.

 

(Ethan comes into the police station)

 

ETHAN: Interruption!

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Mr. Donahue, what can I do for you?

 

ETHAN: I’d like to ride along with you on your investigation. Please.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Why?

 

ETHAN: Because I want to prove that I ACTUALLY care about finding this killer. I’m not just exploiting it for political gain like Councilman Deters.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: I don’t know, Ethan, that’s kind of against protocol-

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Nah, let him come with.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: But why? You didn’t let Dr. McMorris come look at Pearle’s body!

 

AGENT DUNHAM: He was really creepy. But I like Ethan here. And I hate how Deters treated him. Ethan. (Agent Dunham puts his hand on Ethan’s shoulder) Consider yourself deputized.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: That’s not official, obviously-

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Sheriff, I thought I told you the bureau’s in charge.

 

ETHAN: That’s right. Bitch.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Hey! That’s my friend!
 

ETHAN: Sorry, Agent, I was just-I was just joking.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Alright then, good. I like humor. Now, let’s go look in Pearle’s safety deposit box.

 

(Agent Dunham, Ethan and Sheriff Warren leave out the front door, as Agent Dunham pull both of them close. Cut to Agent Dunham opening a safety deposit box in a bank boardroom. Sheriff Warren and Ethan are standing by, watching. Dunham takes out a wad of cash and runs his fingers through it)

 

ETHAN: Yowza, I should’ve e-mailed her to donate more often!
 

AGENT DUNHAM: There’s over 10,000 dollars here.

 

(Agent Dunham puts the money in his pocket)

 

ETHAN: Cooper?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: I’ll give it to the department, don’t you worry.

 

ETHAN: Okay, I trust you.

 

(Agent Dunham takes out an iPad, and turns it on. He turns to Sheriff Warren)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: (Whispering) There’s a web page that’s bookmarked.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: …Does this turn you on?

 

(Agent Dunham opens the bookmarked web page to see a Craigslist ad. It shows a picture of Pamela Rosebush naked- with a description right next it reading “really fun, sexy, adventurous, female 18-year old looking for sex with whoever has the most money. Will strip tease or whatever if you want to dilly dally before getting to the point. But will not like it. Lights off, emotionless fuck please. Half the money up front. Try not to kill me. No couples, blacks, S&M or B&D. Hmu at my kik: letsgethisoverwith98”)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: There’s your connection. Pamela Rosebush. Her description says “really fun, sexy, adventurous, female 18-year old looking for sex with whoever has the most money. Will strip tease or whatever if you want to dilly dally before getting to the point. But will not like it. Lights off, emotionless fuck please. Half the money up front. Try not to kill me. No couples, blacks, S&M or B&D”- eek, that’s a little problematic.

 

ETHAN: I know, who doesn’t like S&M? (Agent Dunham and Sheriff Warren look at him) Come on guys, I’m just bein’ funny! (Cut to Ethan, Agent Dunham and Sheriff Warren looking through a dark wood. They shine their lights on a lot of blood) Oh my God…

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Are you gonna be okay?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fiii- (Ethan dry heaves) oh, Lord.

 

(Agent Dunham shines his light on a pile of dirt with a necklace on the top, which has half a Maple Leaf attached to it. Beneath is a paper fragment reading, in blood, “FIRE, Please walk with me, if you don’t mind”)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: What is that?

 

(Agent Dunham takes out his voice recorder)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Donna, it’s 8:10 at night at the scene of the crime, and here’s something we haven’t seen before, a mound of dirt approximately a foot and a half in diameter with a gold necklace attached to a Maple Leaf, correction: half a maple leaf. At the foot of the mound is a torn piece of newspaper with the writing, which appears to be in blood, “FIRE, Please walk with me, if you don’t mind”.

 

ETHAN: I’M A MAN!

 

(Ethan passes out)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Sheriff, we need to figure out what Dirty Canuck has the other half of that Maple Leaf.

 

(Cut to Doctor Fleischmann in his living room, talking to his wheelchair-bound wife)

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: Honey. This is non-public information, but I feel like I should share it with you. I trust that you won’t tell anyone, and that Cynthia is fast asleep right now.

 

(Cut to Cynthia listening to Doctor Fleischmann and her mom’s conversation from the staircase)

 

CYNTHIA: (Whispering) That’s right, spill it, swaggot. Hurry up your dad mouth.

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: Dunham and Warren found a half a Maple Leaf on a necklace last night. They believe whoever has the other half could be the killer.

 

CYNTHIA: (Whispering) Oh, snap.

 

MRS. FLESICHMANN: Why are you telling me this?

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: Something tells me I must to move things forward…but I don’t know why.

 

CYNTHIA: (Whispering) I’ve got to warn Jason.

 

(Cynthia runs into her room to see her 15-year old sister on the bed)

 

CYNTHIA’S SISTER: Cynthia, which do you like better? The “blossom of the evening” or, the “full flower of the evening”?

 

CYNTHIA: I don’t give a shit, listen bitch, I’m gone, and you need to tell daddy-poo what the fuck is up.

 

CYNTHIA’S SISTER: But there’s a curfew, they just announced it on TV.

 

CYNTHIA: I know, Linda! Dipshit! But I covered for you when you got that dyke-ola haircut and mom and dad were mad about it! Remember?

 

LINDA: Yes…

 

CYNTHIA: I told them a madman came at your hair with a pair of garden shears, right?

 

LINDA: Yes, you did.

 

CYNTHIA: Then stop bitching and cover for me!

 

LINDA: Fine!

 

CYNTHIA: I’m taking your bike.

 

(Cynthia goes towards the window, opens it, and climbs onto the roof)

 

LINDA: Hold on.

 

CYNTHIA: What, swaggot?

 

LINDA: Could you put a little air in the back tire?

 

CYNTHIA: …No.

 

(Cynthia climb down the house)

 

LINDA: …You know…now that some time has passed…I think I like “the full cunt of the evening”.

 

(Cut to Chris Hayes and Brennan pulling up to Dr. Fleischmann’s house. They are both drunk, and Chris Hayes is vaping. They both get out. Chris Hayes jumps on the hood and stands on it)

 

CHRIS HAYES: (Slurring) Go up there and DEMAND Cynthia, Brennan! And be assertive! I’m gonna-I’m gonna hang back here and crack up another Mike’s Harder.

 

(Chris Hayes cracks open a Mike’s Harder Lemonade and starts chugging it)

 

BRENNAN: You got it, man.

 

(Brennan walks up to Doctor Fleischmann’s door. He knocks on it. Doctor Fleischmann opens the door)

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: Oh. Hi Brennan.

 

BRENNAN: Hello, Doctor. Could I speak with Cynthia, please?

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: Cynthia’s upstairs getting ready for bed, Brennan. (Doctor Fleischmann looks at Chris Hayes drinking a Mike’s Harder Lemonade while holding his e-cigarette on the hood of the car) You guys aren’t drinking and driving, are you?

 

BRENNAN: No, I replaced his drink with regular lemonade. I’m not interested in seeing him actually drunk. So, can I see her?

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: I’ll see if she wants to come down. (Doctor Fleischmann closes the door. Cut to Linda sitting in her room. Doctor Fleischmann comes in) Where’s your sister?

 

LINDA: Dad. I’m gonna tell it to you, and I’m gonna tell it to you straight.

 

DOCTOR FLESICHMANN: Linda.

 

LINDA: You see that window?

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: Damnit, Linda, why would you let her do that?!

 

LINDA: It was the crazy man with the garden shears! He made me!
 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: We’ll talk about this later! (Doctor Fleischmann walks out of the room. Cut to Brennan vaping outside Doctor Fleischmann’s front door. Fleischmann opens the door and Brennan puts the e-cig in his pocket) She’s not-seriously? Can you go a second without-anyway, she’s not here.

 

BRENNAN: Where is she?!

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: We don’t know. We went out the window. Maybe you can help us find her.

 

(Brennan squints his eyes)

 

BRENNAN: Oh, we’ll find her. Don’t you worry about that.

 

(Brennan runs back to the car)

 

DOCTOR FLEISCHMANN: …Okay, now I’m even more worried. DID YOU KILL PEARLE LAWSON!?

 

(Cut to Ethan, Agent Dunham and Sheriff Warren staking out a Hansbay bar in a cop car. They see Cynthia entering the bar)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: There she is! Sheriff, tell Doctor Fleischmann we found her daughter and she’s fine.

 

ETHAN: That seems a little premature, don’t you-

 

(Sheriff Warren picks up his radio and speaks into it)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Liz, tell Doctor Fleischmann her daughter’s fine, we have her with us and we’re bringing her back home this very instant, safe.

 

ETHAN: Dude, you’re really jumping the gun.

 

(Cut to Cynthia sitting at a bar, drinking a Coke. Chris Hayes and Brennan come in and see her)

 

BRENNAN: CYNTHIA!!!

 

(Cynthia turns his head)

 

CYNTHIA: FUCK OFF AND STOP YELLING!!

 

(Cynthia comes over there and gets in Brennan’s face)

 

BRENNAN: Cynthia, let’s calmly discuss how you’re SNEAKING AROUND, BITCH!!

 

CYNTHIA: YOU CAN’T CALL ME THAT, DOUCHEBAG!!

 

(Pan over to Ted, who is sitting at a booth with a woman. Ted stands up)

 

TED: ENOUGH!
 

(Ted walks over to them)

 

BRENNAN: Hold on Cynthia, let me fight this guy real quick. You stay right there.

 

(Ted lunges at Brennan but Brennan kicks Ted to the ground)

 

CHRIS HAYES: YEAH!!! MY DREAM! I’M FINALLY BADASS! (Brennan starts beating up a bunch of people who come towards him) YEAH, KICK THEIR ASSES, BRENNAN!
 

BRENNAN: YOU WANNA HELP!?

 

CHRIS HAYES: SURE!

 

(Chris Hayes throws a punch at a teenager, but he’s tripped by an old lady walking by. He falls to the ground and blacks out. Michael walks up to Cynthia)

 

MICHAEL: HERE, I’LL TAKE YOU TO JASON!
 

CYNTHIA: OKAY!
 

(Michael and Cynthia leave the bar. They get in Michael’s car. Cut to Ethan, Agent Dunham and Sheriff Warren sitting in a nearby cop car, staking out the location)

 

ETHAN: Looks like they’re on the move.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Should I follow them from a discreet distance?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Ethan, you’re alright.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: But I came up with the idea-

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Go already!
 

(Sheriff Warren starts the car and follows Michael and Cynthia from a discreet distance. Michael’s car turns onto a bridge, and then a little bit later, Warren’s car turns onto the same bridge. Then cut to Michael’s car going down a dirt path to the right, and then a little later, Warren’s car goes down a dirt path to the left. Cut to Michael pulling up to a little place in the forest where Jason is waiting. Michael lets Cynthia get out)

 

CYNTHIA: Bye.

 

MICHAEL: Are you not gonna pay me? This was technically an Uber ride, you know! Also, I’m poor and desperate!
 

CYNTHIA: You’re my ex-boyfriend driving me to see my other ex-boyfriend. I don’t owe you anything I haven’t already given you.

 

(Michael sighs and drives away. Cynthia comes over and hugs Jason)

 

JASON: Thanks.

 

CYNTHIA: I’m so sorry, Jason.

 

JASON: Me too.

 

(Cynthia looks at Jason)

 

CYNTHIA: Jason, what’s going on?

 

JASON: I have to talk to the police. I have no alibi, and I was with Pearle on Thursday night.

 

CYNTHIA: You didn’t slay the bitch, did you?

 

JASON: God no! Cynthia!
 

CYNTHIA: Sorry, I’m just making sure. I’m not a very supportive person, so I’m sorry for that.

 

JASON: You should’ve seen Pearle recently, Cynthia. It’s like she was a different person. She was talking about how she lived a double life. And that her friends didn’t really know her.

 

CYNTHIA: I knew her! I just didn’t feel like listening to her problems all the time.

 

JASON: No, you don’t understand! She was so lost. So troubled. There were things she got herself involved with. Things she let herself get pulled into. Drugs, prostitution and, and even becoming the referee for an adult dodgeball league.

 

CYNTHIA: Oh my God…

 

JASON: She told me that Chris Hayes told her that he killed a guy.

 

CYNTHIA: Yeah, but Chris Hayes is always saying shit like that.

 

JASON: Okay, fair. But, still, Cynthia, it all makes some sort of terrible sense that she died. That someone killed her. She’s been inconsolable recently, and half the time she wasn’t making any sense. The night that I was with her, she was riding on my hover board with me, and I got to a stop light, and she jumped off. She kicked the hover board out from under me, and I fell to the ground. She put her foot on my neck and screamed that she loved me. It felt like she was Pearle again.

 

CYNTHIA: A crazy bitch?

 

JASON: Exactly. Then she ran into the forest.

 

(Cynthia sighs)

 

CYNTHIA: It’s all so awful. (Jason starts crying into Cynthia’s shoulder) Oh, Jason.

 

JASON: I don’t know what I’m gonna do…

 

CYNTHIA: It’s alright, Jason.

 

(Jason and Cynthia start making out. They then look at each other in shock)

 

JASON: Oh God, no.

 

CYNTHIA: That’s right, YOU’RE BACK IN, BITCH!
 

JASON: Fuck.

 

CYNTHIA: I’ll see you tomorrow at 7pm for dinner.

 

JASON: Alright.

 

CYNTHIA: Oh, and by the way, you need to bury your Maple Leaf necklace.

 

(Jason takes out a necklace with half a maple leaf on it)

 

JASON: But why? It’s the only reminder I have of my homeland of Canada. And plus, Pearle had the other half. It was one of the things we had in common.

 

CYNTHIA: I conveniently overheard that the police found the Maple Leaf necklace at the crime scene, and now they’re looking for whoever has the other half. They think whoever has the other half could be the killer.

 

JASON: Shit. And if they find out the secret that I’m Canadian-American, they’ll be especially suspicious.

 

CYNTHIA: That’s why you have to throw it away.

 

JASON: No, let’s just bury it.

 

CYNTHIA: Okay.

 

(Jason and Cynthia kneel down. Jason takes out a necklace with half a Maple Leaf on it. He places it upon the ground, and Cynthia and Jason start heaping dirt on it)

 

JASON: (Singing) O Canada, our home and native land-

 

CYNTHIA: Shhhhh…

 

(Cut to Sheriff Warren driving Agent Dunham and Ethan through the forest. Ethan is drinking from a water bottle)

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Well, Phillip, I think we lost them.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Yeah, probably. Goddamnit, I told Doc Fleischmann his daughter was safe.

 

(Ethan closes the water bottle)

 

ETHAN: I told you that was a bad idea, Sheriff.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Well, why don’t YOU just take MY job then?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Shhh, hold on. What’s that red glowing in the forest?

 

(Sheriff Warren, Ethan and Agent Dunham all see a red glow in the forest. Sheriff Warren stops the car)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: I don’t know.

 

ETHAN: Let’s check it out. It could be Jason’s car.

 

(Ethan, Sheriff Warren and Agent Dunham get out of the car and head into the forest. They shine their flashlights on a circle of small trees, and a pit, and some red curtains behind those things)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: What the hell?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Oh my God. This is what I read so much about.

 

ETHAN: A really hipster community playhouse in the woods?

 

AGENT DUNHAM: No. An extra-dimensional portal in the woods that leads to a place of absolute wretchedness, moral depravity and evil. And from whence few men can escape. Want to check it out?

 

ETHAN: Sure, why not?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Are you crazy?! I mean, all of that sounds like complete BS, but now you’ve got me scared enough to where I’d rather not take the risk.

 

AGENT DUNHAM: Fine, then stay here.

 

ETHAN: I really think it’s just a playhouse. But fine, we’ll test the waters.

 

(Agent Dunham and Ethan go towards the curtains. They enter the curtains. Ethan then walks into a hallway with zig-zag stripe tiling. He is surrounded by red curtains)

 

ETHAN: So yeah, I’m pretty sure this is some weirdo community theatre for poetry slams and surrealist plays. Right, Dunham? (Ethan looks behind him) Dunham? DUNHAM?! (Ethan walks down the hallway, and through some curtains to his right. He enters into a room with three arm chairs and the same striped tiling and red curtains) Dunham? (A little person in a red suit enters the room, dancing to some Jazz that starts playing) …Okay, so nothing out of the ordinary for a community theatre so far.

 

LITTLE PERSON: (Reversed backwards speech) You can’t be sure. That you ever did anything. For anyone.

 

ETHAN: …Okay, that’s a little strange. How did you-?

 

LITTLE PERSON: Have a seat.

 

ETHAN: …Alright. (Ethan sits down, as does the little person) So, how long have you leased this playhouse-

 

LITTLE PERSON: It is not a playhouse, asshole.

 

ETHAN: Okay. Then what the fuck is it? Because I’m scared.

 

(The little person smiles and winks at Ethan)

 

LITTLE PERSON: That’s one for the road.

 

ETHAN: …Oh my. (Logan comes into the room) …Holy shit.

 

LOGAN: (Reversed backwards speech) Surprised to see me?

 

ETHAN: …You still look-

 

LOGAN: Eighteen, I know.

 

ETHAN: …I missed the sound of you scurrying around in my basement for a while, you know.

 

(Cut to where Logan is supposed to be. It is instead now the Jinmenken, or dog with human face, he saw in TDEP244)

 

JINMENKEN: (Reversed backwards speech) Leave me alone!
 

ETHAN: I’m sorry. I don’t know how to.

 

JINMENKEN: I am free to do as I please!

 

(The little person picks up a human bone, with flesh hanging off it, and throws it into the other room. The Jinmenken goes after it)

 

ETHAN: What is this place?

 

LITTLE PERSON: Would you like fair trade coffee?

 

ETHAN: Okay, I know it’s not that.

 

LITTLE PERSON: You seemed so gullible at first.

 

ETHAN: I need to get out of here. (Ethan leaves the room, goes down the hallway, and goes through another curtain, to come into a room with strobe lights and a candle in the middle of the room) Shit.

 

(Mayor Sarandon comes into the room and the candle is extinguished and the strobe lights give way to regular light)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: (Reversed backwards speech) Welcome to my summer lodge.

 

ETHAN: …Oh my God. Brian. What are you doing here?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I can’t decide, should I keep you here with me, or cast you out?

 

(Ethan furrows his brow)

 

ETHAN: …For the record, I heavily prefer being cast out.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I’ve got a new lady, Ethan.

 

(Pearle Lawson walks into the room and puts her arm around Mayor Sarandon)

 

PEARLE: (Reversed backwards speech) Brian has money.

 

ETHAN: …What does money mean here?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Money has to mean something, otherwise, what does life, or death, mean?

 

(A wind storm of money blows in from another room, knocking Ethan off his feet, and whisking Mayor Sarandon and Pearle away. Cut to Ethan stumbling into another room, covered in dollar bills from the previous room’s windstorm. A seven-foot-tall man is standing in the room)

 

THE GIANT: (Reversed backwards speech) Look at how much of a freak I am.

 

ETHAN: …Whoa, don’t be like that. You’re not a freak.

 

(The little person comes in, dancing)

 

LITTLE PERSON: You think we’re funny, don’t you?

 

ETHAN: No, not at all. Utterly terrifying, actually.

 

THE GIANT: Oh, so now we’re scary, huh?

 

ETHAN: No, I didn’t mean it like that- (The little person and the giant disappear) oh. I really wish I could hold a conversation in this, fuckin’ place. (Ethan walks into the next set of curtains, into a room where a Barmitzvah is being held. Orthodox Jews are carrying a young Jewish teen on a chair while Hasidic music plays) Oh. SORRY TO INTERUPPT! (Ethan goes into the next room, to see himself, but with red eyes) …you’re the last person I wanted to see.

 

ETHAN DOPPELGANGER: I know.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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