Fear's Hope for Music

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
We all have those things we fear, but sometimes, those fears might not matter anymore when faced with the things we love the most: our 'freedom'.

Submitted: June 22, 2016

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Submitted: June 22, 2016

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If it weren’t for the music, I would never get up on stage, because, I’m afraid of people. To be more exact, I’m afraid of being hurt by people. I’m the kind of person who loves to make other people happy and encourage them. When I am able to make them happy or help them out with something, no matter what it is, it makes me happy. Likewise, when they’re sad or upset, it makes me sad and upset and want to cheer them up. I do things for others, not really for myself. I think that that started when I realized that sometimes, what you do or say can hurt others or make them mad at you. I’m afraid of hurting other people and making them sad or angry because, sometimes, they take it out on me. If you always stay on their good side and never give them any cause to think anything bad towards you, then they won’t. The thing that hurts me the most from other people, though, is disappointment. When they become disappointed with me, I feel as if I’ve totally let them down and that I’ve failed and it really brings down my own esteem. To avoid this, I try to keep  people from even expecting as much as I can really do. I know that I am talented and that I can write amazing and brilliant music but it’s like if I don’t acknowledge that and I make others really think that I don’t think I can, then they won’t expect me to do that much and they won’t ever be disappointed. The easiest way to do that is to use someone else who they know or who just is really amazing at something. This probably seems really strange and like it would bring you down but not me, not with this. This is the one thing that I don’t ever want to have any negative feeling towards. Music is my life, my soul, my heart, and my mind. Everything revolves around music in my life. Music is freedom and I will not let anything take that away no matter what I have to do to protect it. My own mother doesn’t know that I write music and that I could probably win every competition I went to but I just keep quiet so that if that day came where I didn’t live up to her expectations, she wouldn’t be disappointed in me and I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling bad about music. Well, that’s how it all started but now, I just keep quiet out of habit and also because the mystery of it is kind of fun. I’ve been able to push myself to the point where it doesn’t matter to me what others think of my music. My music is for me, it’s my freedom. Even if everyone told me that it was terrible and that I should give up, even if they said that I’ll never be accepted in the world of musicians, even if the whole world hated me because of my music, I would never listen and I would never stop. I love music and no one can destroy that now. Music is a part of me, a part that makes me totally free. The score is mine and nobody else’s, even if only for those few moments. That’s why I write all those songs and why I’m okay if no one hears them. Even when I play songs by other composers, say, Chopin, for those few minutes that I play, that music is mine. It doesn’t matter what the composer says, if they wanted it to sound a certain way, if they intended to give off a certain feeling. Right then and there, that music is mine and I will play it how I intend for it to sound and give the feelings I want to give. I won’t and I actually can’t play it as he wanted or as he did because that was him and I’m no Chopin. I’m just me, and the me right now  will play the music as I want. After all, that’s what freedom is, that’s what music is.


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