Before I Knew You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A reality which won't set me back, but only move me forward.

Submitted: June 26, 2016

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Submitted: June 26, 2016

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 Prelude: A Short Story That Continues to Play out

 

 

Often times I find that “prologue” is a term most authors use to introduce their story, to give you an idea of what you’re going into, or merely to set the background to their full picture. I myself find “prelude” to be more fitting. Why is this?

Life is like a musical. The prelude sets a tone. Not just a singular picture of the past or what should be, but a painting given life in the air around you. It invokes emotion of a reputable amount. And this is why I choose this word to start out my “musical” of a story for you.

This is not because I find that my story is the happiest out there, that I see my past as emotional and filled with catastrophe. No, this is more so because my life has been surrounded by music, and music is what brings my story to you. So, to begin this prelude, I’ll begin with a piece which started 5 years…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And So it Began...

 

15. What an awkward age. Just having overcome obesity and the laughs of all those around me, I was fresh to this area which kids my age called “dating.” I would share names. But what is the point?

College. A simple game shooting nerf guns with my older brother and friends. But I saw him. He saw me. I wish I could turn the past and “un-see” him. To know what grief would overcome me due to this face. But life is a game in which you live, love, learn, and change for the best.

I know it all sounds silly. To others it may have looked this way. But I found myself trapped. Could someone really love me? Sure we claimed it. I felt it to be real. But no. Five months and two heartbreaks later, he officially ended what I thought was love.

Can love end? Everything I had read and prayed about didn’t prepare me for that gut wrenching feeling. A month and a half of darkness. Drinking. Drugs. All entwined to create what could be diagnosed as depression. I truly was depressed.

December hit me like a train. WAKE UP. Here I am again. Track and field to my freshman year? Sounds like a start. So that’s where my recovery started. I quit the drugs. The drinking stopped. And my healthy lifestyle began. But you know, life can’t always be this easy. My freshman year came to a close.

 

Sophomore year.

 

New high school. A fresh start. Where would this bring me? Oh shoot. Who’s that? Half way through the year marked 1 year of not being with him, but now I notice someone else. He reminds me of him… so I’ll see where this goes.

I’ve found something out. I don’t have emotion. Where did it go? I allowed it to die off with him. I did this in order to save myself. But now it’s back-firing. He’s so cheesy… claims he loves me. I might have said it once to him. I regretted it. Can you take those things back? I did. I hurt him. He’s gone.

Someone else noticed me right after him. But this is where I’m no longer dating. No, life is taking me down a less fortunate, less moral path. He has his way with me, then suddenly nothing. But I feel nothing. So I continue on.

Junior year.

Ah. Now we’re getting closer to where I’m beginning to realize how much of a chore life can be. But my relationship with God is blooming. There was a moment sitting in the library at school that I felt his presence so strongly. A light seemed to shine all around me. The joy I felt was immense. I was completely joyful and only wanting God in my life. I wanted it to stay like this.

Something happened.

 

He walked up to me the next week. I had been praying. I was bitter. I didn’t want anything to do with any man from the US. Here he comes. Not from the US? It’s obvious by your accent. You think I’m cute? How cliche. But maybe this is a sign?

So I go with it.

 

And this is where my life did yet another 180. I won’t name him either. But you should probably know he lasted until the end of my senior year. The seasons changed, he left for college. But I didn’t miss him. I was loyal, him? Probably not. I thought maybe I found the love of my life, I tried convincing myself. But even after being convinced to lose my virginity to him, even after helping him in his education and everything financial… I truly hadn’t convinced myself.

You see, there comes a point where once can’t be passive and in love. I allowed myself to be walked over. He used me. Used my body, my money, my love of helping other, he used every passion I had and for his own gain. Life was a show for him. And yet I continued on with his game.

Then came the breaking point. I hated cussing. I just wanted to live in the peaceful serenity of God’s creation and love someone whom God would lead to me. But you made me learn what hate is. There it was again. My passivity which would eventually ruin me. Hatred. An emotion but not one which would finally allow me to love you. Which was good, that would have been a mistake.

The screaming commenced. The tears poured out. Lying, denial, anger, frustration, accusation,passivity sucking away at my life. Slamming my fist against the steering wheel of my car while sitting at the place I loved, I broke through my barriers of passivity and let the hatred flow. The woods called to me. I began walking. Suddenly my place of solace became dark and haunting. The animals which crossed my path flitted by and sent fear up my spine. I headed back to my car.

I would see him again. He’d expect the same physical fulfillment. What’s his problem. GET OFF ME. He doesn’t understand. He’ll never understand. I thought we made up. No. He merely left again confused on why I was angered. I claimed I was confused. He agreed. Let me take the blame.

Again, 3 months before I graduate I see him again. This is closure. Finally. Maybe I can finally tell him what ruined us. No. He trails a hand up my leg. What is he doing? I grow numb. No. We can’t do that. My body grows numb, weak. Go to his room. Okay. But we can’t do anything. It’s not right. Why is he touching me? GET OFF.

He doesn’t understand. He grows angry. He starts to leave… wait. Please don’t go. I just want to talk. Why can’t you just talk. We’ve never… he sits back down. Can we finally discuss something emotional?

No. No please stop. I told you no. But again I grow numb. Weak. He has his way with me. I blame myself. I move on.

My senior year was ending. Parties. I started going, who was that? Sure I met him before. He had his way. He left.

And this?

A best friend. Used me.

 

And this? I watched as any ounce of my pride left me. It doesn’t matter how many times I was used. I allowed it. I prefered death but I couldn’t do that to my family. So I continued on with the joyful smile and loud laughter. I put on a smile in order for others to smile.

But I received a phone call. A chance to start over again? I’m taking it. Take me now. Did I mention this happened 6 months ago? Well now it was becoming real. I chopped all of my hair off so that my mom would know it truly was real.

And so I left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Passion

 

Here it was. Passion. A Godly passion which filled every inch of my soul. I was screamed at. Why did I join? I needed purpose. A new way to begin. And so it began. No, I don’t notice you staring at me. Not this time, or any time soon.

I have a new purpose. It won’t be tainted. DON’T TOUCH ME. Wow. I didn’t know I had it in me. Suddenly my life’s purpose was growing into much more. I was being trained to kill, to save, and most importantly to me at the time, I was being trained to value my life. Not more than those I will fight or care for, but in order so that I can take care of myself in order to do my job.

3 Months later. Graduated and full of passion. I see my mom again. Man I missed her. I never thought I’d say that.

My next task was imminent. No… why all of these distractions? Failure. No sleep. Inability to focus. Lack of motivation. Chronically negative. Suddenly my confidence turned to anger. A chance to try again?

 

I’m taking it. Who’s this? Maybe you’re the reason I’m restarting. No, but what are these feelings? Blackness. Left alone. Everyone moves on but I’m left to wait.

 

I’m finally going home. Well, for 2 weeks. It’s Christmas. But why do I feel this way?

 

Drinking. Drugs. Used and abused. By myself and others. Slipping into darkness I find myself wanting to die. Why can’t I focus? No no. Stop. We can’t do this. But I can’t focus. I managed to avoid this one. But I knew I couldn’t drive home. What was in that? What did I take? My first and last time doing that. It could have been my last action in life. But God had another plan.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Not Turning Back This Time…

 

Going back to the barracks that January a few things clicked. I decided I needed to not only re-start, but also go back. Go back to myself before the world tainted me. When I only belonged to God.

So I began cutting people off. Not responding, refusing them, ignoring them, but all for the better.

This is where I met you; ******.

I would love to name him, but sometimes things are better left unsaid.

And this is where my life became fresh. Vibrant. Filled with life. Love. Love. Love.

This word.

I fought it for so long. And now a million times over and yet I cannot seem to express it enough.

No more drinking, drugs, lust, using and abusing.

You showed me and still continue to do so, that life is much more than that.

 

A man of God walked into my life...you. I had no intention of dating you. I merely sought someone to confide in. I was alone. Surrounded by only pleasure seeking wolves.

Slowly you turned my heart to you.

I continued to deny to others what I felt.

I was scared.

Fearful.

Afraid to be hurt.

You slowly warmed my heart.

And eventually you said it.

Love. So this is what it is. I grows and continues to do so. I don’t understand. But I can feel again. My soul is tugged along with my heart. So many passions we share… God has blessed me.

 

And for this reason and many others provided by God, I strive on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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