All That I've Got, And Yes, I Love That Song By The Used.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 27, 2016

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Submitted: June 26, 2016

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"I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got," is a lyric from the song "All That I've Got" by the band, The Used. I am going through a break-up and while one would normally think that I had been with this person for a good while, that is not the case. At all. We didn't even make it to celebrate a cheesy and happy "one month anniversary." The chance to go out on a cute, little date was crossed off of the calendar before I could even write it on there. These past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I can admit to wanting to unbuckle my seat belt and throw my own self off of the ride so that I could simply fall to my "death," but I held on for dear life. I held on because despite my insecurity, doubt's, being unsure, and confusion, I actually believed that this person was worth it. I was struggling and I was afraid that I would only push him away, but he kept reassuring me that everything was okay, that he'd be by my side. In the end, when push came to shove, he chose to let me go. He made it seem as if it was for my own good, but honestly, everything that he was saying, I have heard it before, just in different ways and from different people. He didn't want to deal with the hardship that we were facing and there I was, like an idiot, still willing to put in my effort because I REALLY wanted to be with him. He told me that he feels like I am not ready for a relationship and you know what? He's right, absolutely fucking right. I know that I'm not because of certain things, but you know what? He isn't ready either, no matter how much he thinks that he is. If he was, he would've been able to tell me that even though we were going to break up, we were going to continue working on things. He wouldn't have said, "I don't know. I really don't," when I asked him what was going to happen in between. I wouldn't have been left feeling like I don't know where we stand. The "L" word came into play during this short lived relationship. Yeah, that was a mistake on both of our parts, but I meant it. I honestly thought that he could be "the one" for me and though everything seemed to be happening so quickly, I thought maybe that's how it was supposed to be. Before he came across my path, I was somewhat content with my non-existent "love life," and had gotten used to being single. Then this dude takes me off guard and I find myself being drowned by this tidal wave of feelings that I didn't think that I'd ever feel again. Now, I'm here wishing that I would've just said, "fuck this shit," at the first sign of trouble. That wouldn't have been the "right thing" to do, but what the hell is the "right thing" anymore? Everything is wrong and when you think that you're doing the right thing, you're really not. I don't quite know how I feel about him at the moment. It's a mixture of sadness, anger, confusion, and feeling like I am at fault. If he would've worked through the bad to eventually get to the good, I would have given him the world. I would have given him all that I've got. Maybe that sounds extreme, but I am a passionate person and when I love someone, I want to make them feel the same way that they make me feel. Is that so wrong? Oh, wait. Of course it is! I'm not going to ask myself, "Is he coming back?," because if I do that, I might as well prepare to be greatly disappointed yet again. He said a lot of things that I wanted to believe, but other thoughts were holding me back. You know, being a heartless whore is becoming a viable option more and more. Yes, you read that correctly. I mean, doesn't practically every female have that thought at one point after their heart has been messed with? No, just me? Okay. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do. I wanted to reach out to him, but I am doing my best to refrain from contacting him. I'll admit it, I miss him. I can admit to many things but I refuse to chase anyone. Regardless of how much I like (or love) them. In a relationship, it takes two. I have my flaws and imperfections, everyone has them, but when you genuinely love someone, you accept ALL of them. I wanted to give this person all that I've got and I wanted to fully open up my heart, but for now, I will have to take a step back. It hurts and saddens me that it didn't work out the way that I thought it was going to between him and I. It also hurts to know that you could have given someone the best of you, but they only saw what they thought is "the worst," and didn't give you a chance. A chance to love them the way that you felt like they deserved to be loved, a chance to cherish them, a chance to break through barriers together, a chance to fix things, a chance to work through the tough times because they're worth it, or a chance to give them all that you've got when before they came along, you didn't think that you had anything left to give.


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