"Don't Be A Loser Dick"!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
How to be a winner dick!

Submitted: June 27, 2016

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Submitted: June 27, 2016

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*"Hello, I'm Donald Trump--you may know me from almost non-stop saturation coverage on T.V. as a candidate for president, or the reality show 'Celebrity Dickhead.' If you're watching this commercial, you're almost certainly a loser, although you can't help it--comparing your pathetic excuse of a life to my incredible one, it's no wonder. I can't help you with being a dick, and you don't want any--after all, just look where being a dick got me, but there's no reason you have to be a loser, also. I'm here today to offer my skills as a businessman to you, so that you can bullshit your way into getting what you want, even if what you want is a joke, my revolutionary 'Don't Be a Loser Dick'! This $450 per person seminar, in which I'll share my secret of saying anything to keep your name in the headlines, even if it sounds like you're taking a ride on 'The Offensive Bullshit Express to Crazy Town,' is your best, and probably your only, chance to become a non-loser. 
 
But hurry, this seminar is only offered while I have your nuts in a vice. Either I lose the election in a landslide, leaving the Republican Party in disarray, or fool enough other losers like you to become president. Regardless of the outcome, I'll be too busy to worry about your loser ass. If I lose, I win, because I'm going to start my own Network, and God knows there's plenty of idiots who'll pay top dollar to listen to me rant my unbelievably-insane theories, much like Fox News. So, send $450 to 4257 Trump Fairway Parkway, Trump City, Florida, and learn how to get what you want, today!"
 
*The Republican Party is in no way connected to this self-promotional bullshit


© Copyright 2017 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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