The Fear

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 27, 2016

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Submitted: June 27, 2016

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The fear pressed against my chest

Pushing me down

Sprawling me out on the ground below

 

I fought my way up

As hard

As I could

As strong

As I could

Only to be thrown

Back

To

The

Ground

 

I need a hand to help me up

 

To save me from the

Pound,

Pound,

Pound

That rest in my heart every day

 

Do you know

What it’s like

To never have

A resting heart?

 

To never have

A heart that is calm

To never

Not feel a heavy thud in your chest

Every time you take a breath

 

To never not have a small

Ache

Pain

Twist in your stomach

About what the future is going

To force

Into your face

 

And scream into your ears

 

Do you ever

Feel

Gone?

 

Completely gone

 

To the point of no return

To the point

Where everything is unreal

And all of the emotions

Are either stretched

Or vague

And empty

 

Do you ever

Have those days,

Those dying,

Crying days,

Every day?

 

The ones where you want to

Give up

And leave

And run away

Faster than ever

And fly away

Higher than ever

 

To fight or to flight?

 

I cannot dig my way up

Out of the sand I am buried in

The suffocating sands

Of fear

And anxiety

And worry

 

I cannot dig

Up

And out

Because the sand

Keeps on flowing

Right back in

And each time

The sand is more

 

The quantities

 

Larger than the last

A thousand times larger

Humongous

Colossal

 

The sands grow

The grains are pebbles and stones

And they are bruising my skin

They are leaving cuts

And scars

And the sand is flowing

Burying

Me

in my own grave

 

There is barely a light

To be found

No flame of hope

That cannot be extinguished by the pelting pebbles

And stones

 

I am being drowned in dark

Flooded in eternal night time

 

And the pebbles are growing

And the stones are enlarging

And I am collapsing under their weight

 

Falling

Falling

 

Down

Down

 

I cannot hold up the boulders that are tumbling,

Thundering onto my head

Pounding

And punching my chest

 

I have no essence of time

I have no essence of feeling

I am shaking with the effort to breathe

 

I am aching

To get out of my own skin

 

And aren’t I only a brain anyway?

Shouldn’t I be able to get out when I want to?

Aren’t I just a brain,

And maybe

A heart,

Occupying a sack of organs

And blood and vessels

 

I need a boat to take me away

I need something to sail in

To fly in

To run in

 

But

How am I

To get out?

 

Out of the weight

 

Out of the fear

 

How am I to lift up these boulders covering me

When I have no strength left

At all

 

Enough is enough

And I have had enough

 

My hands are shaking

 

My heart is pounding in its cavern

 

And I am being plunged into something dark

 

Everything looks like skulls to me

Everything is an emblem of death

And what is going to become of me

Underneath all of these tons

 

And if I do get out,

Won’t the light blind me from the outside?

 

Won’t I not be able to see?

And be blind anyway?

The way that I am down here?

 

Maybe

If I could find one last thing to say

One more thing to think about

In this darkness,

The idea will fill me with strength

 

Maybe if I can find

A shred of courage

Encased in all of this fear

I will be able to fight,

Rather than to flight

 

Maybe my hands will become steady

And I will no longer cry out in pain

Every time a loud noise is made

Every time something new is presented to me

Every time all of the

Possibilities

Of ways to die

Real or not real

Run through my head

In their own little race

To see which one can bring me

Down on my knees first

To see which one can beat me

To the ground

 

Maybe the cold fist

Will no longer grasp my heart

And the steel will no longer

Twist

In my stomach

And my heart

Will no longer go

Pound

Pound

POUND

 

But still be beating

Only softer

Less

Loud

Urgent

Fearful


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