How?

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
Something I jotted down whilst pondering what shattered and emotionally broken people might think about during sleepless nights or tough times.

Submitted: June 29, 2016

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Submitted: June 29, 2016

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What do you say to someone holding it all in with a smile? What do you do when someone tells you to forget it when all you want to do is beg them for forgiveness? How do you ask them those questions that will reveal your inner demons? Oh, but the agony that's pushed back in exchange to keep others oblivious of your pain and inner struggle? 

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Why does one simply force the smile that keeps everyone out of the loop, all while struggling through this battle we call life? One may think it's an easy path, make it to the end and hope people will admire what you've done. But the real truth comes when you yourself looks back and you ask yourself that same question. You can live life with no purpose but to please others, but what does that leave but a legacy of giving? How can one be remembered for that if you didn't take the time to bond with others, sharing the laughs, the pains and the other movements we call emotions and depth. When life can be as short as our next breath, how can one simply hide the pain they feel to keep others at an arms length. 

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Your girlfriend. Your boyfriend. Significant other. Grandparents, friends and loved ones. Searching deeply, you will find they all care about you. But in your own eyes, they all have something to worry about, look out for or decide upon. Why bother them with what you are feeing? They're lives are too busy to worry about a nonsignificant like you. You're just one in seven billion people. How many others could be cared about and looked after without your despair and turmoil to look out for. Your pain is one to deal with by yourself, right?

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How wrong one can be. Your life is just that, YOURS. One can simply believe that it's not worth anything, end it and save others from having to look at your tragedy. But what tragedy is this but your own? If nobody else understands you, how can they believe you aren't worth anything? Only you can truly make that decision. Are you worth it? Are you willing to take that chance and reveal all, to bare your soul to someone without knowing what they'll think? You can hide your pain, despair, loss, agony and loneliness, or you can open to someone and let yourself go.

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A free fall like this can only be compared to falling in love. You are either in or you're out. Once in it, your in for the gut wrenching feeling that happens to only the bravest of us. Brave? If allowing the feelings to overwhelm us takes a deep enough foothold, once gone leaves an impression that can only be filled with someone or something. This innocence or ignorance can only be held once in a lifetime. Once felt, this feeling will always be there. A need. A want. A deep desire to belong to someone. 

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But if this feeling is used for the benefit of someone else, if they use this foothold to gain leverage to something more inside of you, that trust, that deep seeded commitment to a love so deep it knows no boundaries, how can one simply want that feeling? This foothold now has cracks and divets that leave you with a sense of pain and hurt that only you can feel. It's not tangible, it's not visible, and it's certainly not physical. But why does it feel like our heart can hold on to our body for not a second more? A beating that threatens to burst not with happiness, but with this sorrow of losing the trust in someone we held dear?

How?

 


© Copyright 2017 Seth Barnes. All rights reserved.

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