The Donahues Episode 247

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan, Catherine and Depraved Hallway Fern head to California to record a new album, the police look for Ethan after he goes missing in the woods and Kimberly and Luke work out their will and 401 K

Submitted: June 30, 2016

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Submitted: June 30, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“DEPREXIT”

 

TV-MA DLS

 

“If a double decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die”

  • Morrissey

 

(We start with Ryan and Catherine sitting next to one another on an airplane, which is in flight)

 

CO-PILOT: (On intercom) Good morning, folks, this is your co-pilot speaking. Thank you very much for choosing United Airlines, we have now departed from Chicago O’Hare and we on our way to LAX. We should be arriving at around 11:30 AM local time. Pretty soon here the seatbelt lights will turn off and you may use the restroom. Remember, smoking and vaping is not allowed on any United flight and it is a federal crime to dismantle smoke detectors on an airplane. I can’t believe we have to explain this to you people. Thank you for flying United and I hope you enjoy the flight.

 

(A man stumbles backfirst out of the airplane lavatory with a smoke detector in his hands)

 

MAN: What’d he say? (Stewards haul the man away as a pack of cigarettes falls out of his packet) Get your hands off me!

 

CATHERINE: I swear, man, there’s no freedom anymore.

 

RYAN: I don’t wanna choke on cigarette smoke on a plane.

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, but no vaping? Planes are miserable, can’t we enjoy the wonderful scent of cherry blossom?

 

RYAN: Or “fleshy pony heaven”?

 

(Ryan takes out a bottle of vape juice called “Fleshy Pony Heaven”)

 

CATHERINE: You have to stop bringing that fucking thing up.

 

RYAN: Why?

 

CATHERINE: I had to leave that Chili’s when you brought it up to the waiter.

 

RYAN: Well, that’s your problem.

 

(Ryan puts the flavor back in his pocket)

 

CO-PILOT: (On intercom) If you look to your right, you will see some strange circular patches of land. Not sure what those are.

 

CATHERINE: You know I always imagine all pilots looking like they’re from the 1950s.

 

RYAN: Yeah, and they pretty much all look like that, right?

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, I wonder why that is.

 

RYAN: I don’t know.

 

CATHERINE: So, hey, this album recording is for real right?

 

RYAN: Yeah, it’s a great opportunity. And honestly, I kind of owe it to the band. We haven’t released a record in two years, and we really need to finish this thing. And we’re going to be recording in a professional studio! It’s really exciting.

 

CATHERINE: Well, good, then. I’m very excited to go back to California, too.

 

RYAN: Yeah, I haven’t been there in a long time either. Just four more hours!
 

CATHERINE: Yep.

 

(Cut to four and a half hours later. Ryan and Catherine are holding their luggage, as they walk down the plane’s aisle and approach the front)

 

RYAN: Let’s see just how fifties our pilot looks, shall we?

 

CATHERINE: We shall.

 

(Ryan and Catherine walk up to the pilot, who is a shaggy man with a goatee and long gray hair. His nametag says “Captain Wilson”)

 

CAPTAIN WILSON: (Gravely voice) Hey- (Captain Wilson shakes Ryan’s hand, as he looks shocked) I wanna thank you for cruisin’ with us, brother, you have a mellow time in sunny Los Angeles, my man. Take in the vibrations and just coast, brother man.

 

RYAN: …You flew me here?

 

CATHERINE: Alright, let’s go, Ryan.

 

RYAN: My life was in your hands?

 

(Cut to Ryan and Catherine unpacking in a hotel room in Los Angeles. The TV is on, where CNN is covering the vote on Brexit)

 

WOLF BLITZER: Will the United Kingdom vote to leave the European Union? That is the question before voters in Britain tomorrow.

 

(A knock is heard at the door)

 

CATHERINE: Is that your friends?

 

RYAN: No, there’s no way that’s Chance.

 

(Ryan walks over to the door and opens it to see a maid)

 

MAID: Housekeeping.

 

RYAN: No thank you, maybe later.

 

MAID: Okay. Thanks.

 

(The maid walks away and Ryan closes the door. He goes back over to his bag and continues unpacking clothes)

 

CATHERINE: So when do you think-

 

(Loud knocking is heard at the door)

 

CHANCE: (Off screen) Open the door, you twat.

 

RYAN: Everyone’s in a very British mood this morning.

 

(Ryan walks over to the door and opens it to reveal Chance, Oleander and Michael)

 

CHANCE: This hotel is shit.

 

(Chance walks in)

 

OLEANDER: What’s up, Ryan?

 

(Oleander and Michael walk in)

 

RYAN: You know this hotel is a Hilton, right?

 

(Michael checks in the bedside table and finds a Bible)

 

MICHAEL: Nice, we have rolling papers.

 

(Michael pulls out a page)

 

RYAN: Do you really wanna smoke ink with the weed?

 

MICHAEL: Just turn on the showers, and we can smoke in the bathroom.

 

CATHERINE: Hi, nice to meet you guys.

 

CHANCE: What’s up Catherine? I’m Chance. This crackhead over here is Oleander.

 

OLEANDER: What’s goin’ on?

 

MICHAEL: Nice to see you again, Catherine.

 

CATHERINE: Yo.

 

MICHAEL: So, yay or nay on my shower idea?

 

RYAN: Nay.

 

CATHERINE: (At the same time as Ryan) Yay.

 

RYAN: Catherine, they’re gonna smell that shit.

 

CATHERINE: The shower method works.

 

OLEANDER: The problem is, we’d all have to get naked.

 

RYAN: We’re not going IN the shower. Just the bathroom.

 

OLEANDER: Oh. Right, dude, I feel ya.

 

(Oleander looks down, disappointed)

 

RYAN: Fine, we can do it. But first, I have a question for you, Chance.

 

CHANCE: What?

 

RYAN: Is you freaky or what, doc?

 

CHANCE: …What?!

 

RYAN: Sorry, I don’t know what just happened. Who’s this record producer? Is it Winslow?

 

CHANCE: No, you idiot. Remember, he skipped town to Canada. And then, ended up getting killed by the mob, ANYWAY-

 

RYAN: What!?

 

CHANCE: This is a serious place. And we had to pull some serious strings to get this studio time. It’s No Sleep records. They used to have Touche Amore and La Dispute, I mean, they used to have ALL the great bands.

 

RYAN: Alright! Badass! Let’s go!

 

CATHERINE: But first, let’s smoke.

 

RYAN: Yes, of course.

 

MICHAEL: Goodie.

 

(Ryan, Catherine, Michael, Oleander and Chance walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Oleander starts taking his shirt off)

 

RYAN: Why?

 

OLEANDER: That water is very HOT! OKAY?! DO YOU HATE MY BODY?!

 

(Cut to Mayor Alexander holding a press conference in front of city hall, with Sheriff Warren and Agent Dunham by his sides)

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: I guarantee this to the people of Hansbay-our officers are extremely hard at work locating Mr. Donahue.

 

REPORTER: Mr. Mayor, I’m Ben Larson from the Hansbay Quintessential-

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: How do you spell that?

 

BEN: Uh, B-E-N L-A-R-S-O-N?

 

(Mayor Alexander writes that name down and hands it to Corey Lewandowksi, who is suddenly right next to him)

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Put this in the file, Corey.

 

COREY: Yes, Mr. Mayor.

 

(Corey walks away)

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Alright, continue.

 

BEN: Is that-?

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Someone had to hire him. Now, continue.

 

BEN: Okay, well, sir, Mr. Donahue has been missing for an entire week now, are authorities losing hope?

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: The search is getting desperate, yes, but we aren’t going to stop until we find him. In whatever condition he might be in. Fiona? Would you like to say a word?

 

(Fiona comes on stage, with mascara streaming down from his eyes)

 

FIONA: I urge the people of Hansbay. If you have ANY information that might lead to my boyfriend, I would- (Fiona starts tearing up) greatly appreciate it. And also, if any wants to pity hire me, for maybe a sexy weatherwoman job, I’d be open to that too.

 

(Mayor Alexander retakes the podium)

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Okay, thank you, Fiona. (Mayor Alexander sighs) Sometimes, grief makes us sound…unconscionably inappropriate. Anyway, thank you, everyone.

 

(Mayor Alexander walks away as the press continues to shout questions. Cut to Kimberly, Madeline, Jacob, Ryan and Luke sitting in the Donahue living room. Jacob has an army uniform on)

 

JACOB: …Jesus, the last seven days have been hell.

 

RYAN: I’m just losing hope. Where could dad have gone?

 

(Madeline starts rubbing her eyes)

 

MADELINE: He wouldn’t just disappear! On his own volition!
 

KIMBERLY: I know it’s hard, kids. It’s times like these that I regret making Flavor Flav your godfather when Ethan and I ran into him in Vegas.

 

RYAN: Is that for real?

 

KIMBERLY: Uh-huh.

 

LUKE: That would be kinda cool, honestly.

 

KIMBERLY: Luckily, you’re all old enough to where you don’t need a godfather.

 

JACOB: Don’t talk like that. Dad could still be alive.

 

KIMBERLY: I hope so, Jacob.

 

RYAN: I resigned myself to the idea that he’s dead like two days ago.

 

JACOB: How could you say that?

 

RYAN: He’s been missing for a week, Jacob!

 

(Kimberly gets a call)

 

KIMBERLY: Shit, it’s Sheriff Warren. (Kimberly answers it) H-hello?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Mrs. Altmire?

 

KIMBERLY: Yes?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: We found him. He’s alive.

 

KIMBERLY: OH MY GOD, WHERE?!

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Umm… (Cut to Sheriff Warren, standing below a tree which has Ethan sitting in it, wearing only his underwear and a crown of leaves while eating strawberries. He has a beard) he was just kind of chilling…in a tree. For a week.

 

KIMBERLY: What?

 

(Cut to Sheriff Warren leading Ethan, who is covered in a blanket, into the Donahue household, where Ryan, Madeline, Jacob, Kimberly and Luke are waiting for him)

 

MADELINE: Daddy!
 

(Madeline, Jacob and Ryan run over to Ethan and hug him)

 

ETHAN: Oh, beautiful children, I missed you. But I do not miss him.

 

LUKE: Come on, man, that’s a little petty.

 

ETHAN: No, not you, Luke. (Ryan, Madeline and Jacob relinquish their grip on Ethan) I mean the OLD Ethan.

 

RYAN: What do you mean?

 

ETHAN: I left behind a man in that forest. A closed-minded, spiteful, bitter, hateful man.

 

KIMBERLY: Wait, why did you stay in the forest for a week?

 

ETHAN: I think one of Deters’ lackeys put LSD in my drink again. And as a result, I experienced complete ego death.

 

RYAN: Whoa, who the hell are you?

 

ETHAN: I am everyone! I am one with the Earth and soil. I am all and no one. I am just a tiny cog in this great, expansive universe we live in.

 

(Ryan backs up)

 

RYAN: Dad…you’re freaking me out.

 

ETHAN: Isn’t this what you always wanted? Remember how horrible I was to you four years ago? I regularly called you a “faggot”. People forget that.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, that was really not okay.

 

ETHAN: But now my heart is open. That week in the forest changed me.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Yeah, it also dehydrated you, and you lost ten pounds.

 

ETHAN: That’s because I went vegan.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: And you had no regular access to food!
 

JACOB: Sorry, you went vegan?!

 

ETHAN: Yes. I had very intimate connections with the animals in the forest all week. I met a stray dog and I thought “how could you guys eat this beautiful thing”?

 

RYAN: For the record, we don’t eat dog.

 

ETHAN: Sure, but all I’m saying is, animals have rights too. They’re just like you and I.

 

RYAN: What is happening?

 

KIMBERLY: Hey! I for one am very happy that Ethan has seen the light of liberalism! This is great news!
 

MADELINE: But it’s just…it’s not HIM!

 

ETHAN: It’s not HIM, but it’s me. Because I am a new man. And you can be a new man too. (Ethan takes out a vial of white powder) Would anyone like some homeopathic medicine?

 

KIMBERLY: Ooh. Wow, that’s a little too liberal for me.

 

(Fiona comes in)

 

FIONA: Ethan! Thank God you’re safe!
 

(Fiona hugs Ethan)

 

ETHAN: Fiona, you are my spirit partner. I can feel your chakra combining with mine.

 

(Fiona detaches from Ethan and furrows her brow)

 

FIONA: …What the fuck did you just say to me?

 

(Cut to Ethan wearing a hemp suit whilst standing behind a podium that says “DONAHUE 2016- for peace, spiritual healing % love”. Nelson stands awkwardly behind him. Ethan is still unshaven. Before him is a press pool. They are gathered in the Sullivan Hotel’s ball room)

 

ETHAN: Greetings, brothers and sisters. I am here to announce that I am safe, sound and better than ever. And I am taking a radically different direction in this campaign. I am running for the city council as a member of the Green Party and I am endorsing Jill Stein for President of the United States.

 

(The press gasps and starts taking pictures. Nelson scratches his neck, looks around, and runs away. Cut to Luke, Kimberly, Doyle and Micah sitting in the board room at Altmire Racquetball)

 

KIMBERLY: Did you see the Democrats last night? Sitting in Congress to try to force a vote on gun control?

 

LUKE: Yeah, I saw that. That was pretty principled of them.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, usually Democrats sit on their asses and do nothing. Now they’re sitting on their asses and DOING something. Or, talking about doing something.

 

MICAH: Of course, Paul Ryan knows it’s just a stupid publicity stunt. Republicans are, of course, above those.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, they only shut the goddamn government down because Ted Cruz wanted to read Green Eggs & Ham.

 

LUKE: I have to say, man, it’s way braver than Democrats usually are. I mean, Republicans did everything to shut them up. They turned off the C-SPAN cameras, cut off the microphones, they were this close to throwing a tarp over the Democrats.

 

MICAH: Yeah, and then all those old-ass Democrats had to sit in their own old person stink for 12 or 14 hours. That’s not easy.

 

LUKE: Of course, in the end, it’s not gonna work. You’re never gonna get the gun control that I have in MY country. I don’t understand why you elect these morons to Congress, who never change anything. The people of Britain would never make such a stupid decision.

 

KIMBERLY: We’ll see about that, in the Brexit vote tonight.

 

LUKE: Yeah, WE WILL!

 

KIMBERLY: Anyway, assembled lady and gentlemen, we have some serious business to get down to. I made a decision this morning to recall all AX-71 racquetball racquets due to a defect that has already injured eight people.

 

MICAH: Shit, that’s a legal nightmare. What’s the defect?

 

KIMBERLY: Sometimes, the head of the racquet, flies off and hits people in the balls.

 

DOYLE: What?!

 

LUKE: Why just the balls?

 

KIMBERLY: Well, theoretically it could hit any body part, but so far, in all eight cases, it’s been the balls. Weird coincidence.

 

LUKE: Is there footage?

 

KIMBERLY: Guys, this is serious! We have to contact all of our clients about this recall. We could definitely take a hit, financially.

 

MICAH: Take a hit, where?

 

DOYLE: Oooh! I got it! I got the joke!
 

LUKE: Doyle, you ruin everything, stop talking.

 

DOYLE: …I got it.

 

KIMBERLY: Get on it, guys. Alright, we’ll convene at the end of the day.

 

LUKE: Yes ma’am.

 

(Kimberly and Luke get up and leave the board room. Doyle leans over to Micah)

 

DOYLE: Do you think they’re having sex?

 

MICAH: Doyle, they’re married.

 

DOYLE: Yeah, but…do you think they’re doing it, for fun? Like not even for procreation?

 

(Micah sighs)

 

MICAH: Yes, Doyle. Yes, I do.

 

(Doyle giggles)

 

DOYLE: Saucy!

 

MICAH: Jesus Christ, man.

 

(Micah leaves the room. Cut to Luke driving Kimberly home that day)

 

NPR: (British accent) The polls closed in the United Kingdom have closed, and now the votes are being tallied. Will the British people choose the safety and economic security of remaining in the European Union? Or will they tell the EU to screw a dead pig in the mouth? We will find out soon.

 

(Luke turns the radio down)

 

LUKE: Listen, we should talk.

 

KIMBERLY: About what?

 

LUKE: Well, it’s just, we’re getting older.

 

KIMBERLY: Speak for yourself! I took a run holding a kayak the other day.

 

LUKE: I’m just saying, you’re turning forty-nine next month-

 

KIMBERLY: DON’T MAKE ME CRASH THIS THING!
 

LUKE: IT’S FINE, THOUGH, IT’S FINE! YOU EAT SPECIAL K AND YOU LOOK THIRTY-NINE!
 

KIMBERLY: THAT’S RIGHT, YOU LIMEY BITCH! I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.

 

LUKE: All I am trying to say is, we need to think more about retirement. We’re at about the age where you start preparing for it.

 

KIMBERLY: I’m never going to retire. I’m going to keep selling racquetballs until the day I die, which is never.

 

LUKE: That’s another point, you don’t have a will.

 

KIMBERLY: Did you not hear the part where I said I’m not going to die?

 

LUKE: Kimberly, please. We need to be on the same page here, let’s begin with the concession, that you ARE going to die. In fact, you almost just killed us!
 

(Kimberly sighs)

 

KIMBERLY: I understand, but I’m too young to have that conversation.

 

LUKE: Remember when Prince died? He had no will! He was 57 with no will! Now they have to figure out who gets ownership of the color purple! And as for retirement, we have to put away more money for it, because, our finances seem more tenuous now that this recall is already having an effect on our sales.

 

KIMBERLY: Oh my God, fine, we’ll talk about it when we get home. But let’s make something clear; if I come back as a ghost, we need a clause that allows me to get my stuff back.

 

(Cut to Kimberly and Luke sitting at the dinner table with Micah. Brexit vote coverage is on in the background)

 

LUKE: Thanks for coming over on such short notice, Micah. I know you’re dealing with the Pearle Lawson stuff too.

 

MICAH: No problem. I get a sick thrill out of making people consider their own mortality.

 

LUKE: Mmm.

 

KIMBERLY: So, I have three kids, should I just…split the money three ways? How do I do this?

 

MICAH: Is that what you want to do?

 

KIMBERLY: …I don’t know, I feel like one of them deserves less. But I also feel awful for feeling like that.

 

MICAH: You wanna know a secret?

 

KIMBERLY: What?

 

MICAH: I have three kids. When I composed my will, I gave each of them 33.3% of my money. But, I increased and decreased their share based on how much they pissed me off or, impressed me.

 

(Luke and Kimberly look at one another and then look back at Micah)

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, let’s make it 33.3% each for now.

 

(Cut to Depraved Hallway Fern in the studio. Catherine and a record producer are sitting in the control room, watching them through a window)

 

RYAN: Steve, can I ask you something?

 

STEVE: Go ahead.

 

RYAN: Can we turn Chance’s drums down?

 

CHANCE: Fuck you.

 

RYAN: You need to hear my vocals, bro!
 

CHANCE: You’re SCREAMING them!
 

RYAN: Drum quieter!

 

CHANCE: Do I look like a Jazz drummer to you?! Apparently I’m a jazz drummer! HEY STEVE, GET ME SOME HEROIN! I’M A JAZZ DRUMMER!
 

STEVE: Copy that.

 

CHANCE: Wait, no, don’t do that-what?

 

STEVE: Copy that, then. God. Make up your mind. I’m turning the drums down.

 

(Steve turns the drums down)

 

RYAN: Okay, let’s hear it with the drums turned down.

 

OLEANDER: Actually, I want to record that song again. I missed a few chords.

 

STEVE: That’s not what your contract said.

 

OLEANDER: …Huh?

 

STEVE: Your contract was clear-“don’t make mistakes”. “Mistakes lead to failure, and failure leads to less money. And no lessons are learned. Heretofore”. Our lawyer labored over that part.

 

CATHERINE: What the hell is that about?

 

RYAN: Yeah, I wonder that too. Can I see a copy of the contract?

 

STEVE: Do you really want the contract? Or are you going to change your mind again?

 

RYAN: GET ME THE CONTRACT!

 

STEVE: Great. Be right back.

 

(Steve leaves the studio. Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: They better not be screwing with us.

 

CATHERINE: I’ll bend him back into shape, don’t you worry.

 

CHANCE: You’re gonna fuck him?

 

CATHERINE: No, but I like your style.

 

(Chance winks. Steve comes back in with the contract)

 

STEVE: Here it is.

 

RYAN: Have Catherine look over it. She’s a college graduate.

 

(Steve hands it to Catherine, who starts looking through it)

 

CATHERINE: What the hell is this? It says you guys have to, quote, “wear make-up like KISS, yeah, that’d be badass, wear makeup just like KISS”.

 

RYAN: What?!

 

STEVE: Our lawyers REALLY labored over that part.

 

RYAN: What the hell, No Sleep!? Why would you guys demand that of us?

 

STEVE: Why would you sign a contract without reading it?

 

RYAN: BECAUSE MONEEYYYYY!!!!

 

STEVE: Well, you made your bed. I’m sorry, No Sleep recently came under new management. Management that has a penchant for dad rock. So you better start churning out the hits.

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, right here it says the lyrics to any given song must be, quote, “60% ‘baby baby’, ‘I love you babe’ and ‘please daddy tonight’”.

 

OLEANDER: Why didn’t you mention that when we were recording this song?

 

STEVE: I thought you were saving all of that stuff for the last half. Are you not?

 

RYAN: NO! I say we enter into contract renegotiation! Right now!
 

STEVE: Pardon me, Mr. Donahue, but as far as I’m concerned, you have no leverage whatsoever. What other label is going to sign you? Ever since that “deal with the devil” prank three months ago, you’ve lost your punk cred. You’d be better off swallowing your pride, and putting on some green make-up.

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: Shit.

 

MICHAEL: Ryan, we don’t have to-

 

RYAN: No, he’s right. I’m a joke. A has-been. I’m a washed-up musician at the edge of twenty-one. Let’s just finish this thing for God’s sake. We’ll put the dad rock lyrics in the bridge.

 

STEVE: 1,2,3- GO!
 

(The band starts playing)

 

RYAN: (Screaming) EVERYBODY WANTS SOME, NOBODY CAN GET SOME, AND THEY ALL CLAIM IT’S LONE-SOME AT THE TOP! RAPING THE INNOCENT, MAIMING FOREIGN CITIZENS, TRANSFORMING US TO DENIZENS, WE OBEY NOW!!! (Clean vocals going into the bridge) Oh, babe I love you, baby, baby, baby...please daddy toniiiiiight….

 

(Catherine facepalms. Cut to Ryan and Catherine sitting on the curb outside No Sleep Recording Studios. Ryan is vaping)

 

CATHERINE: Did you fall back onto that “fleshy pony heaven” wagon?

 

RYAN: Never fell off it, babe.

 

(Ryan vapes)

 

CATHERINE: Record labels suck.

 

RYAN: Yeah, we’ve never been able to find one we can trust. Winslow’s was funded by the mob. Elliott’s was a Ponzi scheme, or something. That dude from Columbia Records just pranked me. And now, these motherfuckers, are forcing us to be metalcore’s answer to KISS.

 

CATHERINE: And you’re just going to let them?

 

RYAN: It’s out of my hands. The record’s done. And if you looked at the rest of the contract, it’s a pretty good deal. We’re going to be getting fifteen dollars per 100,000 streams on Spotify, so…that’s better than most get.

 

CATHERINE: So now all you need is a cover.

 

RYAN: Yep. And then mastering, and then the album should be released on Thursday.

 

CATHERINE: Tomorrow?! That’s really fast.

 

RYAN: Well, we were supposed to come record it last week, but my dad was lost in a forest eating strange berries and nursing rabbits back to health.

 

CATHERINE: True. Is there going to be a tour?

 

RYAN: Yeah, there’s a release concert in Sacramento. We’re going to go there in our goofy-ass Mystery Machine.

 

(Ryan points to a colorful van nearby that says, in seventies stylized letters- “Depraved Hallway Fern- THE RAD-ILICIOUS TOUR 2016”)

 

CATHERINE: My God.

 

RYAN: Yeah, it’s pretty…I’m gonna go with dehumanizing. The only thing that would be more embarrassing is if Donald Trump told Chris Christie to stop eating Oreos.

 

CATHERINE: He did.

 

RYAN: Of course he did.

 

CATHERINE: Well…hopefully you can break free from this label one day and make an even better record.

 

RYAN: …Hopefully.

 

(Catherine and Ryan start making out. Cut to Ethan sitting in his apartment lighting a bong as two shirtless Indian-American men rest their heads on his shoulders. Fiona is sitting on a nearby armchair, weirded out. Nelson is sitting across from Ethan, also perplexed)

 

NELSON: Ethan, what strategy are you pursuing here?

 

ETHAN: There’s no strategy flower child; I really am just enlightened.

 

(Ethan takes a hit off his bong and exhales the smoke)

 

NELSON: …I’m gonna take that as “I’m trying to attract Bernie Sanders supporters”.

 

ETHAN: If they want to fight for-

 

INDIAN MAN: No fight.

 

ETHAN: Sorry, you’re right, “fight” implies violence, which we’re totally against.

 

INDIAN MAN: Not in favor of.

 

ETHAN: Right, sorry again. We’re not in favor of violence. But if Bernie supporters want my effort for peace and harmony, then I’m happy to have them on. But it’s no strategy. I honestly believe every word that is coming out of my mouth.

 

(Fiona points at Ethan)

 

FIONA: Who is this man? Why is he in my house?

 

ETHAN: Fiona, Nelson, friends! You have to try LSD, it’ll change your life.

 

NELSON: That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to change my life, I like my life.

 

ETHAN: No you don’t, you’re miserable.

 

NELSON: I really don’t think so-

 

(Someone knocks at the door)

 

ETHAN: Oh, gee. Let me take care of that pesky door.

 

(Ethan gets up and takes the door off its hinges and throws it to the ground. There are movers at the door)

 

FIONA: WHAT THE FUCK!?

 

ETHAN: Doors divide people from people. I love all people. (Ethan turns to the movers) Hi, lovely people!

 

MOVER: Um, we’re here from “Dumb Ol’ Bob’s Moving Company”.

 

(Fiona gets up and walks over)

 

FIONA: Wait, what’s going on?

 

ETHAN: I’m moving everything we don’t need into storage.

 

FIONA: What?!

 

ETHAN: I’m becoming a minimalist, take the TV, boys.

 

(The Movers come in and grab the TV)

 

FIONA: NO, DON’T TAKE MY TV!!!!

 

ETHAN: It’s my TV, bitch. I mean, flower bitch.

 

(The movers haul the TV out of the apartment. Nelson stands up)

 

NELSON: Ethan, how are you going to keep up with everything?!

 

ETHAN: I subscribe to a Green Party newsletter that’s delivered to me by that bird that landed on Bernie Sanders’ podium. (A bird with a newsletter in its beak flies in and lands on Ethan’s shoulder) OH! There he is now! (Ethan plucks the newsletter from the bird’s beak) Thanks, Birdie Sanders!

 

(Ethan tongues the bird for an uncomfortable four seconds before it flies away. Nelson plops down in his chair, dumbfounded)

 

NELSON: My God…

 

(Ethan opens the newsletter)

 

ETHAN: Look at that. There’s a sale on pig hoof-free gelatin at Whole Foods.

 

(Nelson stands up)

 

NELSON: I’m sorry, Ethan, I don’t know if I can, in good conscience, carry on with you like this.

 

ETHAN: When have you carried on with anything in good conscience?

 

(Nelson furrows his brow, and walks out the front entrance of Ethan’s apartment. The movers get back)

 

MOVER: What next, sir?

 

FIONA: ME! (Fiona walks over to Ethan) I’ll go next.

 

ETHAN: Fiona, please. (Ethan takes out a baggie of LSD) Please just do LSD with me and see what I’m talking about.

 

(Fiona sighs)

 

FIONA: Fine. I’ll do it.

 

(Ethan kisses Fiona. Sheriff Warren comes in)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Does anybody know where the HELL Agent Dunham is?!

 

(Cut to Ethan and Fiona lying in bed together. Ethan takes out his baggie of LSD and gives one to himself and one to Fiona)

 

FIONA: So I place it on the tongue?

 

ETHAN: Place it on the tongue, let it dissolve. Don’t swallow it.

 

FIONA: Ugh. Your kiss made my mouth taste like bird.

 

(Fiona puts the LSD on her tongue, as does Ethan. Cut to Ryan and Catherine on their hotel bed in Los Angeles)

 

RYAN: Do you got it?

 

CATHERINE: Yeah.

 

(Catherine reaches into her purse and pulls out two squares of LSD. Catherine hands one to Ryan)

 

RYAN: What are the chances this is real LSD?

 

CATHERINE: Zero percent. Just remember to not lose track of time, because we have the release concert later tonight.

 

RYAN: Luckily, LSD doesn’t distort your sense of time. Alright, here we go.

 

(Catherine and Ryan place the tabs on their tongues and let them dissolve. Cut to Ethan and Fiona feeling each other’s faces)

 

FIONA: You feel so real to me.

 

ETHAN: What do you mean?

 

FIONA: I mean I don’t think I had real feelings for you until this moment.

 

ETHAN: Huh.

 

FIONA: I mostly only get into relationships because I’m bored. That’s why I end up in so many shitty ones. But I think I’ve accidentally stumbled onto something here.

 

ETHAN: I got into this mostly for the sex. And to piss off Evan Alexander. But I don’t want to have sex with you right now. I just wanna…become one with you.

 

FIONA: I feel like I’ve been so materialistic all this time. I started treating people like objects.

 

ETHAN: That’s what happens. You wouldn’t believe what I saw on that acid trip in the forest. It was way more vivid, way more detailed, it seemed like an acid trip you would only see in a TV show written by people who have no idea what actually happens to you when you’re on acid.

 

FIONA: Where’d you get this acid?

 

ETHAN: My son’s old drug dealer Ashton.

 

FIONA: Oh.

 

ETHAN: See, I probably wouldn’t have told you that if I wasn’t on acid. But acid lifts all those social burdens. We can just tell the truth.

 

FIONA: I fucked my way through High School and the tail end of Middle School.

 

ETHAN: When I was a teenager I masturbated on a plane, and it wasn’t in the bathroom.

 

(Cut to Ryan and Catherine)

 

CATHERINE: My favorite childhood memory was watching my asshole uncle dehydrate himself while building me a backyard playground in the hot sun.

 

RYAN: I invited an unpopular kid to my seventh birthday party, but started making fun of him as soon as the popular kids pressured me to.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Fiona)

 

ETHAN: When I was twelve and my parents and I were on a vacation in Lancaster, I tugged on an Amish teenager’s coat, asking him where my parents were. He agreed to look for them with me, but all I did was lead him further away from his home than he had ever been before, and then I abandoned him so he could find the way back himself.

 

FIONA: Wow.

 

(Fiona and Ethan start making out. The Indian man from earlier comes in, and they stop making out and look at him)

 

INDIAN MAN: So, is it cool if I leave, or…?

 

(Cut to Kimberly and Luke sitting in front of the TV. CNN is covering Brexit. Kimberly is on the phone)

 

KIMBERLY: That’s great honey! I’m so proud of you! I can’t wait to listen to it.

 

RYAN: (On the phone) Thanks mom. Hey, how did the Brexit vote turn out?

 

KIMBERLY: They haven’t called it yet, but it’s not looking good for the remain campaign.

 

RYAN: (On the phone) It’s not decided yet? I thought you were three hours ahead!

 

KIMBERLY: …Yeah, but we’re not in the future, Ryan.

 

RYAN: Sorry, I’m just tripping balls right now. Love you, mom!

 

KIMBERLY: Wait, you’re tripping-

 

(Ryan hangs up. Kimberly puts her phone away)

 

LUKE: Dear God, 52-48% in favor of leaving. What are my countrymen about to do?

 

KIMBERLY: Apparently they’re not much better than us when it comes to being swept into a nativist groundswell.

 

LUKE: I mean, to be fair, their racism is much politer.

 

KIMBERLY: True. Hey, go ahead and increase Ryan’s share of the inheritance to 38%.

 

LUKE: Alright then. (Luke picks up some documentation and writes something down) So why-

 

KIMBERLY: Now, decrease it to 34%.

 

LUKE: Wha-wha?! Why?

 

KIMBERLY: He takes after his father. He was “tripping” when he called me.

 

LUKE: I think his father takes after him, but, alright then.

 

(Luke writes down some more stuff. Madeline comes in with her purse)

 

MADELINE: Hey guys.

 

KIMBERLY: Honey, when are you gonna go back to Warwick?

 

MADELINE: I don’t wanna go back while Peter is still pissy about me firing him. He’s been coping by binge-watching episodes of Alex Jones.

 

KIMBERLY: Who’s running Cryo Self To Health?

 

MADELINE: I hired an assistant manager. She was one of the girls I used to work with at the Stara Institute.

 

KIMBERLY: Cool. (Madeline nods and walks upstairs. Kimberly turns to Luke) Bump her up five percentage points.

 

(Luke writes that down)

 

LUKE: 38% percent it is.

 

(Madeline comes back in)

 

MADELINE: By the way, Peter and I want to go to Cancun in July, if you don’t mind helping out with the expenses. He says he has a “surprise” for me there.

 

(Madeline shrugs and leaves. Kimberly turns to Luke)

 

KIMBERLY: Alright, take off ten percentage points.

 

(Luke furrows his brow and writes it down. Pan up to show the TV, where Richard Quest is reporting on Brexit)

 

RICHARD QUEST: CNN is projecting that the Leave Campaign will prevail in this referendum.

 

(Luke facepalms)

 

LUKE: Oh, God save us.

 

KIMBERLY: Wow. What’s going to happen now?

 

LUKE: It’ll probably take like two or three years to actually leave, and then we’re far less relevant in the world. The only reason we were so relevant is that were in the EU! Without them we’re just a former colonial empire with a pig-fucker for a Prime Minister populated by a bunch of pale chavs with seasonal depressive disorder.

 

KIMBERLY: Well, if it makes you feel better, that pig-fucker may not be in office for much longer.

 

LUKE: I hate David Cameron, but I didn’t want to lose him like this! I was hoping he would be taken down by a bunch of pigs holding a press conference about how he treated them.

 

KIMBERLY: Not to mention, Scotland must be pissed. They voted against independence so they could stay in the EU, and now the UK is going to drag them out of the EU!

 

LUKE: Yeah, because they overwhelmingly voted to stay in the EU. My prediction? Scotland will be gone within a few years.

 

KIMBERLY: But then again, the UK has abused Scotland for years, and they’ve stayed in that abusive relationship. But maybe this will be the black eye that makes them call the police.

 

LUKE: I can’t watch this shit show anymore. Let’s retire to our quarters.

 

KIMBERLY: Could you translate that to American?

 

LUKE: Let’s go to bed.

 

KIMBERLY: Got it.

 

(Luke and Kimberly walk into their bedrooms. They leave the TV on. Cut to Madeline in her pajamas going downstairs late at night. She walks into the living room to see British Prime Minister David Cameron speaking on TV)

 

PRIME MINISTER CAMERON: I will do everything I can as Prime Minister to steady the ship over the coming weeks and months. But I do not think it would be right for me to try to be the captain that steers our country to its next destination. This is not a decision I’ve taken lightly. But I do believe it’s in the national interest to have a period of stability, and then the new leadership required. There is no need for a precise timetable today. But in my view, we should aim to have a new Prime Minister in place by the start of the Conservative Party conference in October.

 

MADELINE: Why do Prime Ministers step down every time they fail? If American Presidents did that, the Secretary of Education would be President right now. (Madeline shakes her head and then looks at some papers on the coffee table) What’s this? (Madeline looks at the papers and starts reading over them) Ohhh…wow.

 

(Cut to Ryan and Catherine lying on the ground, staring at the ceiling in their hotel room)

 

RYAN: …Should I do this?

 

CATHERINE: …No. You should tell No Sleep to shove it, honestly.

 

RYAN: That’s what I’m thinking. We can independently release a SoundCloud album or something. Or, we can get on stage and just rip the corny costume shit off ourselves and start rocking.

 

CATHERINE: And rip your clothes underneath off too.

 

RYAN: Yeah, that’s good. I like that. (Ryan and Catherine giggle. Ryan gets a call from Madeline. Ryan answers it) What’s up, Maddie?

 

MADELINE: Ryan, I found the craziest shit on the planet.

 

RYAN: Amelia Earhart’s plane?

 

MADELINE: No, mom and Luke are writing a will. And it seems to me like they’re increasing and decreasing what percentage of their money we get when they die based on how we act!

 

RYAN: How do you know?

 

MADELINE: Because, Luke wrote down right here that you got a 5% bump because of your record deal, but then a four percent reduction because of the fact that you called her on acid. Nice job, by the way.

 

RYAN: Shit, where do I stand?

 

MADELINE: 34%. I stand at 28%.

 

RYAN: Oh my God. I’m finally the favorite.

 

MADELINE: Shut up. I’m just warning you, be on your best behavior.

 

RYAN: Wait, why are you warning me of that? You could’ve gotten the advantage if you hadn’t told anybody.

 

MADELINE: …Fuck, you’re right.

 

RYAN: HA! Evil wins again.

 

(Ryan hangs up)

 

CATHERINE: What’s going on?

 

RYAN: I have to move forward with that record deal.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Fiona walking into the Hansbay Courthouse, late at night. A clerk is on duty)

 

CLERK: Can I help you two?

 

ETHAN: We’re here to get married.

 

CLERK: I’m sorry, we’re about to close, but there’s a Church across the street-

 

ETHAN: No, God is a lie meant to keep the proletariat down, can you just get a Justice of the Peace out here?

 

CLERK: Well, I’ll see-

 

FIONA: We also have this Buddhist monk who wants to participate in the ceremony.

 

(A Buddhist Monk walks in)

 

BUDDHIST MONK: ???????.

 

(SUBTITLES: “I am very tired and want to home”)

 

ETHAN: See? He’s down.

 

CLERK: I thought God was a lie?

 

ETHAN: If it’s weird God, I can deal with it.

 

(The clerk nods her head)

 

CLERK: I’ll see if I can catch a Justice of the Peace before he leaves.

 

FIONA: Thank you.

 

(The clerk heads into the back. Ethan and Fiona kiss, and the Buddhist monk sighs. Cut to Ethan and Fiona facing each other in the hallway of Hansbay City Hall. A Justice of the Peace stands between them, as the Buddhist Monk hums, while looking bored and tired)
 

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Do you, Ethan Leonard Donahue, take this, Fiona Elizabeth Hoffstadt Geraldine Cadbury, as your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and health, until death do you part?

 

ETHAN: I do.

 

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: And do you, Fiona Elizabeth Hoffstadt Geraldine Cadbury, take this, Ethan Leonard Donahue, as your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and health, until death do you part?

 

FIONA: I do.

 

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: By the power vested in me by the state of Vermont, I hereby declare you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride. (Ethan and Fiona start aggressively making out) Oh, wow. (Ethan and Fiona get on the floor and start removing clothing) Um, guys?!

 

(The Buddhist Monk shakes his head and just leaves. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Oleander and Chance on stage at the Torch Club, a small music venue in Sacramento. They are wearing ridiculous POISON-style outfits with colorful greens, reds and yellows. Leather Jackets, headbands, acid wash jeans and blonde wigs. There are like, two to three dozen people at this venue. Catherine is in the audience, as are Steve and some other No Sleep executives. Ryan walks up to the microphone)

 

RYAN: Hey everybody. Are you ready for some- (Ryan sighs) RAD-ILICIOUS licks and shreds?! (Some middle aged men in the audience cheer) Good. We got that. Our new record came out today. It’s on sale at the merch table. Be sure to cop it. We also have, fucking, Depraved Hallway Fern themed hairspray for sale over there, amazingly. There’s a Depraved Hallway Fern-themed jean jacket as well.

 

(Pan over to Captain Wilson, Ryan’s pilot from earlier, who is wearing a Jean Jacket)

 

CAPTAIN WILSON: Hell yeah, brother!
 

(Cut back to Ryan)

 

RYAN: Oh my God, you’re here. Um. Anyway. This first song is called “Blue Hell”. Enjoy. (They start playing, and eventually Ryan comes in with his screams) LESS OF WHAT YOU KNOW, IS EVER MAKING SENSE!!!! THIS WHOLE THING CALLED LIFE HAS NO GODDAMN SUSPENSE!!!! IT’S JUST A LONG, LONG JOURNEY TO THE END!!!! EVERY MAN IS WALKING DEAD, EVERY MAN IS BEING LED, BY LEADERS WHO HAVE LOSE THEIR HEADS AND CITIZENS WHO’VE MADE THEIR BED! (Going into bridge, clean vocals come in) OOoooh, baby…I don’t know about youuuu…but oh, daddy needs some pleasinnnn’- (Cut to Catherine, who is watching this, but who is clearly cringing at it. Cut back to Ryan, who looks concerned as he’s singing) Ooooh, lover, babe, I love you…

 

(He stops singing for a second as the bridge continues. Cut to Steve and the No Sleep execs)

 

NO SLEEP EXECUTIVE: What’s he doing!?

 

STEVE: I don’t know, Tom.

 

(The No Sleep executive puts a cigar in his mouth)

 

TOM: Well, he better start singing again or I’m wasting money here!

 

(Tom takes out a lighter and lights a hundred dollar bill on fire, and then uses that to light his cigar. Cut to Ryan on stage, while the bridge keeps playing)

 

RYAN: Go into the break down.

 

OLEANDER: Are you sure?

 

RYAN YES. (They go into a breakdown, and Ryan begins screaming again) GENOCIDES VISIT US IN OUR SLEEP! WE ARE ALL COMPLICIT IN OUR SLEEP! MURDERING MILLIONS, WE MAKE THEM WEEP! (Ryan tears off his leather jacket and shirt) CROWNS ENCRUSTED WITH BLOOD DIAMONDS!!! (Ryan rips off his pants and underwear, and he is now completely naked, causing the audience to gasp. Cut to Catherine, who is shocked, but laughing) IF ONLY WE HAD BEEN ENDED BY THE MAYANS!!!!

 

STEVE: Fuck.

 

TOM: WHAT THE HELL’S HE DOING!?

 

(The sound is cut off to the stage, as Ryan begins head banging)

 

CHANCE: TURN MY DRUMS UP, FUCKERS!!!

 

(The owner of the club gets on stage and starts whipping Ryan with a towel)

 

CLUB OWNER: STOP! STOP THAT!!

 

MICHAEL: You’re not making this better!

 

(A cop jumps on stage. Oleander, Michael and Chance stop playing and Ryan puts his hands up. The cop arrests Ryan, as the audience groans. Cut to Captain Wilson)

 

CAPTAIN: WILSON: Such sexual freedom, man.

 

(Cut to Catherine. She starts applauding. Tom and Steve come over to Catherine)

 

STEVE: HE’S DONE, YOU HEAR ME!?

 

CATHERINE: He’s just getting started.

 

(Tom and Steve shake their heads and walk away. Cut to Ryan and Catherine speaking at Central Booking, in the waiting room. Ryan is wearing sweat pants and a “POLICE ACADEMY 2016” shirt)

 

CATHERINE: So, one thousand dollars is a hefty fine.

 

RYAN: I’ll find the money. I’m just glad they appraised my naked body as being that worth that much.

 

CATHERINE: I don’t think it’s an appraisal.

 

RYAN: If my mom finds out about this, I’m not going to be getting any inheritance money. And all I’d get from dad is a jar of green liquid that cures depression.

 

CATHERINE: Well. It happens. The good news is, No Sleep dropped you.

 

RYAN: Thank God. Wait, will I still be getting money from the new record?

 

CATHERINE: Yeah. It’s in the contract, they have to. But, they’re not going to be making records with you anymore.

 

RYAN: Good riddance.

 

CATHERINE: Who else will though?

 

RYAN: I have no idea.

 

(Cut to Luke walking into his living room the morning after Brexit. He is yawning and wearing his pajamas. CNN is showing the markets tumbling after Brexit)

 

CHRIS CUOMO: (Voice over) The markets are tumbling after Brexit, with the pound’s value at its lowest point since 1985. Meanwhile, the DOW Jones industrial has plummeted 600 points.

 

LUKE: Oh, bloody hell.

 

(Kimberly walks in)

 

KIMBERLY: What?

 

LUKE: So much for improving our 401 K.

 

(Kimberly looks at the TV)

 

KIMBERLY: Oh, shit. Could this get any worse?

 

(The TV shows Donald Trump speaking at Turnberry Golf Course in Scotland)

 

DONALD TRUMP: Look, if the pound goes down, they’re gonna do more business, you know, when the pound goes down-

 

KIMBERLY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
 

LUKE: YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK THE FUCKING MARKET IF YOU KEEP YAPPING!!!

 

(Cut back to CNN’s Chris Cuomo reporting the news)

 

CHRIS CUOMO: In lighter news, the lead singer of a rock and roll band was arrested in Sacramento last night for stripping on stage.

 

LUKE: There’s no way that’s-

 

CHRIS CUOMO: His name? Ryan Donahue, a 21-year old New York man who leads the band Depraved Hallway Fern.

 

(Cut to Luke and Kimberly. Kimberly looks furious. And Luke looks scared)

 

KIMBERLY: Luke.

 

LUKE: Y-yes?

 

KIMBERLY: It’s time for Rexit.

 

(Luke nods and starts scribbling all over the inheritance papers. Cut to Ethan waking up next to Fiona in his bed. He looks confused, as he rolls over to see a bong on his nightstand, a wedding ring and a “#JillNotHill” sticker on his lamp)

 

ETHAN: Whaaa? (Ethan checks his phone to see a CNN notification that reads “There are now thousands of signatures calling for a second referendum in the UK after regret for the Brexit decision sets in”. Ethan puts his phone down and picks up the ring. He puts it on his ring finger) Oh my God. That’s right.

 

(Fiona rolls over to look at Ethan)

 

FIONA: Hello, husband.

 

(Fiona smiles, Ethan looks wide-eyed at her)

 

ETHAN: …Hey.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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