Thunder and Rain

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
It's been a while since it rained like this.

Submitted: July 05, 2016

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Submitted: July 05, 2016

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It's been a while since it rained this hard. I sat, breathing in the dewy scent of still falling rain. If I could bottle that scent, I would. I would never buy a candle, or perfume, or air freshners again if I could fully capture the scent of fresh rain. I took deeper breaths than necessary. The smell, the sound, the look of rain. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed thunderstorms. There was something so cleansing and calming about them.

I cast a quick glance to my fiance. He's staring intently at the episode of 'Game of Thrones' we have playing, a notebook in his lap. I can see his wheels turning, thinking of what he wants to write next. He gets ideas in his head for novels, and I have heard almost every single one of them in the 8 years we've been together. They all involve some sort of demon and angel. An immortal being from heaven and hell, though he claims not to believe in the religious God.

I wish I loved him like I used to.I want to love him like I used to. I have been denying my waivering feelings for months, but I have known for a while now. He's not who I want him to be. Who I need him to be. Who my son needs him to be. His teasing has become unbearable. I know I have a tendency to take it too literally. But when he is constantly poking fun at me. It makes me wonder if he really does want me to dye my hair, and lose the weight, and be more adventerous.

Or maybe it's me. I have changed so much since high school. I am no longer the gentle, hopeful, innocent I used to be. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm beaten down. The struggles of motherhood have taken a large toll on me, as has the trials of life. We have very little money. Sure, he works as much as he can, and I try to pick up more hours at my little part time job. But it's never enough. And I can see it putting a strain on him. He lashes out when I try to avoid the subject, but what couple can avoid money forever?

I think he sees the strain it puts on me. The strain life in general has been putting on me since my son was born.

I don't blame my little one. Truly I don't. Everything I do is for him. He is my sun, moon, stars. Sometimes the smile on his sweet little face is the only thing that holds me together, day after day. But I didn't know what motherhood would bring. I thought I would be such a loving mother, such a caring mother. And in many ways I am. Just not in the way I feel he deserves.

I have to many thoughts. I'm scared of to many things. Nothing clears my head like rain. Water in general.

It's been a while since it rained this hard.


© Copyright 2017 Elizabeth Eaglestone. All rights reserved.

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