Death Is In Me

Till this day I remember I was already here, all alone in the world seeking survival and death at the same time. Who am I? Why am I here? Was I ever suppose to be born? I’m a being that does not belong in either world. To me, my life is nothing more than darkness. I… was rejected by the world… what is my life I wonder, am I even meant to be here, am I ever loved? Everybody is scared of me or disgust. Why am I still here then, what the point… Why is God treating me like this, am I even suppose to believe his existing? Am I suppose to believe what is shown to me. I m here but what other want is not me… It is not me…

I wanted to believe somewhere out there… there… a true feeling that could make me feel alive but there is no such thing. Why do we fall in love? Why is there such a word called love? Love is not true, it not external, love is fake it's not what I wanted to feel. I can’t be like the normal people out there. If love was true then why am I not surrounded by it, why am I left all alone in this world.

My life is a shadow, all I did was follow the path in front of me. I did not try to change, I let my life be control. As I grow, I become cold hearted, a beast without feeling, a fake smile that learns to control others and get what I want but is this what I really want. When a new path appears in front of me… I will enter. I want to change my life, I want to be changed, I don’t want to be cold-hearted anymore, I don’t want this, I don’t want this… I wanted to change but what it did was nothing but sadness. A moment of happiness can be the darkest feeling of your life. No matter how many paths I have walked, I thought I would change, I thought I would understand the word happiness. In every path, I was a new me but in the end, I slowly started to change back to what I first started. Was the path that shown to me since birth the correct path?

Did I make a mistake? The sun is my enemy, the night is my allies but why… since this new year started my life started to change. The night was what I loved, it shows sadness and darkness of the world but at the same time, I m afraid. I yearn to in a cage but what keep me happy was dreaming. I betrayed myself and enter a new path“what is the harm I am having fun” was what I thoughted but I shatter something that I loved during the night and let this path shatter my life in the end. It did change me but was it worth it, I m slowly changing back to the old me like always. It ruins my life that I build up since young but I m still walking down this path… do it worth my time and life with the world full of differents smile with different life and sadness similar to me.

What am I in their eye? Am I a beast or a kind human being? 

I started to laugh. “Of course a kind human being!” I shouted with tear flowing down my cheek. “This is what I wanted them to feel, this fake me is my lie!” I sob. Am I evil… I m a demon under the skin, this is what I m. I m disgusting, a being that is not loved or care by other. I control others with my spell to satisfy my life. This is what god made me into or am I a devil child. What a lie, right, I m even lying to myself to feel better. Am I actually cold-hearted or is this what I want my life to be. If someone dies in front of me I wouldn’t even care a bit, is this what I m, why should I care about them, it their life if they die why should I care, humanly is like this. Humanwear a masked on, we are never true to others or even to yourself, why am I cold hearted then, this is just what humanly is or… am I lying to myself again? 

I m standing in the middle of a city, a city that is said to be where death and life took place. I m looking up at the sun. “Will I die from looking up at you, heh… I wonder who will miss me if I were to die”

When people say that they love me, I think they are lying, what they love is not me cause they don’t understand me. Nobody can cause if someone can they must be… even though it will never happen, the mortal was never supposed to understand each other. Cloud start to move fast and spread around the sky and cover the sun. The sky becomes dark and cold. A droplet fell into my tear, as I began to call for death. “It has been raining for awhile now… is this the tear of a human or is this the tear of god.” Thunderstrike the sky like it could kill someone soon. This place is called the tower of death even though there no tower but it just means human have been strike dead from time to time and build a tower full of dead body.

I made a bet with myself if today I was to by lightning I will end my life. I started to count. “Will today be the end of me,” my last drop of tear fall down my cheek when the lightning starts to hit the ground. 

“Come to me! My life is your, kill me.”

I look up at the sky and slowly close my eye; the last image I saw was lightning coming straight down at me. I waited but I hear the thunder strike the ground and the strength of it blows me away. “Tsk, the lightning didn’t hit me,” I clean off the dirt on my face that gotten on me when I fell from the explosion of air the thunder made. The cloud begins to clear the sky. “Tsk, seem like that all for today.” There are a lot of thunder in this place but only one lightning will strike down from the sky; I m surprised so many people have died from it. “Seem like I need to find something else, this place is bullshit, what the tower of death it can’t even kill me… that is say nothing can actually kill me unless I end my own life and that too bothersome.” I started to walk out the death city # 210, as you can see I have gone to 210 different cities with the same rumor as the tower of death so I can die but none was successful.

“Seem like I was under the sun for too long,” my leg starts to shake and I can’t stand. “If someone found me I will be in trouble again… and this place is a wasteland there no place to hide but that says nobody will be that stupid to actually come here… unless they want to die.” I start to laugh for some reason, yeah it stupid to want to die but someone like me who been living too long is different. “Night time should be soon”

My laughs fade away into this lifeless wasteland. Maybe I should just end my life and not search for death… that even more bothersome than killing myself. I look up at the sky and faint.

What is this noise, I couldn’t feel the ground, I open a bit of my eye and found my throw up into mid air. I instantly open up my eye. Thunder was screaming and a dozen of lightning shoot down the ground. “Seem like I was bounced off the ground by the lightning…. this time, the lightning is so much stronger…. did the god got angry for what I say.” I start to think back…. hmm… was it cause of the word “bullshit,” the lightning shot down near my eye. “This god, are they playing with me, ah my eye hurts, ” I scream. I close my eye and cover both my eye with my hand to less down the pain. “They sure know my weakness is light even though they left me alone in the darkness.” I land on the ground with my head striking down. “That hurt” I need to get away, they are just playing with me, they won’t kill me what the point of playing back. 

I still can’t see but with my skill, I should be able to get out of here, there should be a forest around here. “There a rumor about that forest, what was it again, can’t think like this. I just need to get out of here, doesn’t matter what will happen.” I start to run east where I think the forest is, either the west or east side but who care if it somewhere the god can’t see. “Yea who care… no one even appreciates my existence.” The wind push through my face as the red light in my eye disappears meaning I have gotten away from the wasteland. I slowly open my eye to let it adjust but all I can see is darkness. “Did I gone blind, what a play god but I should be able to use my sense and see.” This forest gives me a feeling that I once been here.

A forest of zombie my birthplace… seem like I just walk into hell. They were always trying to eat me like I was a food to them. The place where I was left alone since I was a baby, the place where my thirst was endless, a place where I was treated like a toy. “I just got myself into a big trouble, will be troublesome. Soon they will smell me… what have I done, I was always careful to not get end up in a zombie forest.” Now it really will matter what will happen, their bite is so poisoned it hurt like hell.

A voice starts to ring in my ear. Seem like the bud got damage when the lightning passes me. The voice starts to get loudly. “What are you just standing there for,” a voice pop up in front of me and grab my hand.

The hand was warm, it was something I have never feel. The size of the hand was like mine except mine is cold. This person grabs my hand and been running for awhile without knowing why. I can hear the heart beating, it been a really long time since my heart been beating like this. Who is this person that can make my heart beat so fast?This person finally stop and I could hear her catch her breath but why am I following her anyway. “Why were you just standing there, you could have got killed if it wasn’t for me,” she shouted. Her voice doesn’t sound old but she may be one of those immortal since no human would be stupid enough to set a foot in here.

“Who are you, I never asked for your help,” I shouted back. She doesn't smell like an immortal, her body is working like a human but why would a human be here anyway. “Why are you even here, this is no place for human”

“What are you talking about… aren’t you a human as well”

Those words shock me, I may look like a human but my body work like a zombie except after leaving here my thirst for human disappear and been eating like a human. What should I say to her? “What your name anyway,” I ask out of the blue.

“Don’t just change the topic, and I may be a human but I lived here,” she says.

“What did you just say,” I question my hearing, it must have got damaged heavily but should have healed by now.

“Listen, this time, I say I lived here… with the zombie… I used to be a zombie, that a secret keep it safe”

A zombie that got changed into a human, is that even possible. “How”

“Huh…. oh I drink the blood of a half zombie and a half..”

The blood of a hybrid, in this world I m the only hybrid from a zombie and a… human… don’t tell me she... “Oh then I wonder why aren’t you afraid of me”

She giggles. “Why would I be scared of you, shouldn’t you be the one who scares”

“Why would I needed to be scared of a human… the blood you drink must have been mine cause I m the only hybrid…. since you a human now let me get a taste of you, you must be tasty”

“Haha, you must be kidding,” she laughs at me.

“Why should I be… kidding… mother, the one who give birth to me just to be a human.” I scratch her her face and bit her head off to not let her turn back into a zombie. I didn’t even hear her last word for why she did that to me but I know it doesn’t matter right now. What matters now is my body want her, her blood and flesh meat it is what my brain eager for, it all I can think about right now that I can’t stop myself. “The taste of you is just delicious, mother, I can’t get enough of you, you taste so good, the taste of a human, why mother why are you so tasty I can’t stop eating you, I can eat you forever, oh mother you help me understand what I been alway wanting. Thank mother, I must have been a bad daughter but I hate you. You know in the beginning I was your daughter but you still tell me…”

I move away from the dead body and look up at the moon. “God, you been playing with me too much. It time for me to end your game god.”