what if...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
It's a short story about 16 years old girl who falls in love with unexpected boy at unexpected time...

Submitted: July 09, 2016

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Submitted: July 09, 2016

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Nothing is prettier than a city at 5am with its empty streets and cold wind. It was beautiful day, I was sitting on a bench and thinking, what if I hadn’t done everything as I did, what if I had done things after a lot of thinking, what if I hadn’t hurried… but you can never return to your past life…

My life sucked. And guess what, it was all about a boy, a stupid boy, a terrible boy, a not clever or handsome boy… but I loved him, loved a lot…

I remember sitting on the same bench last year when nothing had even started, when I was 16 again. It was 3 days before school had started. I was comparing my past and future lives, but I had no idea that all this could happen just in a year. I had really horrible summer with depression, crying my eyes out, eating a lot, screaming on my mom without reasons, hating everyone and especially myself…  The bravest thing I did that summer was continuing my life when I wanted to die…

I needed fresh start, so I changed a school, I chose the one close to my home and where I knew no one, really not even one person. It was my junior year and I thought that everything would be better, but unfortunately I fell in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time…

 

It was first day of school, it should have been perfect. I believed in the magic of new beginnings. I chose my outfit very carefully, because when people see you for the first time, it’s your appearance that makes first impressions. It wasn’t  childish, but colorful, elegant, but very comfortable. I put on my lucky ring, straightened hair, put a little make-up on and I was ready to go.

I expected that everyone would stare at me, but I still felt horrible. It was so different from my old school. When the bell ranged I thought that it was time to go to class, but everyone was still in the yard. There were balloons everywhere, music was on, some people were dressed as Disney characters. One even was Shrek, it was really funny. Shrek was first person who talked with me, he jus asked what was my name and  if I was new there, after giving him answers he disappeared in a crowd and I was alone again.

Then suddenly I saw a boy in that crowd, his face was so familiar but I couldn’t remember when and where I had seen him. I was just staring at him, trying to remember… But than I understood how awkward it was, I wanted to look at his face as much as I needed to remember who hi was, but I also wanted to stop looking at him. Than I understood that he was doing just the same thing. I thought that it would be better if I tried to talk with him but it was also strange thing to do, so I just decided to do nothing.

 

The day was over but my mom had so many questions:

-Do you like new school?

-How friendly were your classmates?

-Are there good teachers?

-What about your classroom?

-Are you sitting near window?

-Mom just stop! I’m tired! Nothing special happened!-and I went to sleep.

  Second day was pretty boring. After school I had English lessons, It’s not my native language, actually it’s my third language. So I went to see my favorite teacher. When I went in class, I was just shocked with her firs question:

-Samantha have you really changed school?

I haven’t told this news to anyone, I wasn’t expecting that she would know everything.

-Do you remember my student Steven? I was always reproving him for not having homework or being late?

And I remembered… Remembered everything… I knew who Steven was, he was senior and I understood that he was also the same guy whom I was staring yesterday.

-He told you that I changed school? So he understood who I was. – A smile flashed for a second on my lips.

-Yes, he told me, at first I didn’t believe him, I know how you liked your old school. So is it true?

-Yep, he’s right.

 

After about one week, I finely decided to send him a friend request. I have seen him staring at me at school and English class, but he never talked to me, not even a word. I thought that he was just shy, or didn’t knew that I knew him. So I texted him first. I’m so upfront and straightforward person that I asked him, why couldn’t he talk to me if he was talking about me with his English teacher. His answer was so obvious, he thought that I didn’t knew who hi was.

After this we were texting each other practically every day. I liked chatting with him because he was so easy to communicate with. I liked our conversations, because I didn’t have to think about what to say, it was just coming naturally. I actually was extremely grateful that some things didn’t work out the way I once wanted them to, because after that problems I moved in that school and met him…

I always thought that I was special when I was with him. I could tell him everything, even the things that no one knew about me. Once I told him that when I was 4 I had a fight with my mom, I was asking her why she decided to name me Samantha and not Khato. Now I know that it’s funny but Khato is my godmother’s name, I always adored her and when I was  I was thinking that her name was the most beautiful. After hearing all this Steven decided to call me Khato when he wanted to make fun of me.

Once I looked at my phone and saw new message from the number that I didn’t knew. I opened it, “Khato how are you?” I started laughing, laughing a lot.

- Who gave you my number?

- At first guess who am I

- Stop acting stupid Steven.

- How do you know that it me? I thought to make fun of you.

- How do I know? You’re the only person who calls me Khato.

- Oh! I had no idea.

- So who gave you my number?

- I won’t tell.

- Tell me! Or I will never talk to you again.

- Ok. I found it in my aunt’s phone.

- Wait what? Your aunt had my number? But why? Or how?

- How? Or why? Why wouldn’t she? She has all her student’s numbers.

- What? Olivia is your aunt?

- Yes our English teacher is my aunt, you didn’t know?

- How could I know, if you had never told me?

- That’s a good point. Now you know.

 

He wasn’t tall, had brown eyes instead of green, wasn’t smart, so he wasn’t the type of boy which I like. He was liar, he was lying about everything and I always believed him. He even told me that he was going to study International law, when actually he wanted to study tourism. But I still liked him. That was interesting, how? Why? Everyone was telling me that he wasn’t for me. All my friends trying to make me like other boys, universe was telling me that we couldn’t be together. Even with horoscope, I was Leo and hi was Virgo, with it we couldn’t be even friends.  But we were. I didn’t choose the one who was beautiful to the world, but rather, I chose the one who was making my world beautiful. I was falling in love with his soul, not face. He could always make me smile, even if I was going to cry. His eyes were only brown… but when I looked into them I saw colors that don’t even exist.

A clearly remember one occasion. I was alone, my parent’s were in village with my brother for weekends. They went next day of my exams, I had no energy so I decided to stay at home. On that night I became really ill, I had eaten something and my stomach was aching terribly. I texted Steven, told him that I couldn’t sleep and he stayed all night awake just for me. He was encouraging me and making me smile. At 6:30am I finally fall asleep. When I woke up, I found his message “probably you fall asleep, sweet dreams.” This text made me smile. He always cared after me. He was always asking where and with who I was, what was I doing and all the other stuff. If it was late and I wasn’t at home he was asking me to be careful. I knew how was he acting in front of his friends and I knew that he was different with me.

All this things made me believe that he also had feelings for me. I wasn’t sure if it was true or not. If it was than why he wasn’t telling me this? The only thing that I knew for sure was that I was falling in love with him little bit more every day.

Every time I laughed I hoped that he was watching, I was hoping that he will fall for my smile just as hard as I fell for his. All I really wanted to know was what was running through his mind when he looked at me. I wanted him to hear all the words I was too afraid to say.

I knew him well and I knew that he was a shy, so I thought the only way that we can be together is if I make the firs step. But I was afraid… Not afraid to tell him that I loved him, just afraid he wouldn’t tell me that he loved me back. But psychology says, always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the only one that is going to help you grow. Also better ‘oops’ than ‘what if…’ so I decided to write down everything what I loved in him, just to be sure that telling him about my feelings was a good idea.

 

55 reasons why I loved him:

  1. His smile
  2. His eyes shine like diamonds
  3. The way he makes me smile
  4. The way I can just be myself around him
  5. How he still gives me butterflies
  6. The fact that he lives so close to me
  7. He encourages me
  8. He makes me proud
  9. He makes me feel special
  10. He makes me feel confident
  11. He makes me laugh even if he isn’t around
  12. The memories we share
  13. How he puts up with my moodiness
  14. The way he touches me
  15. How we can be silly around each other
  16. How I instantly feel better when I hear his voice
  17. The way he smells
  18. How he understands me
  19. How I can tell him anything and everything
  20. How comfortable he makes me feel
  21. When I’m with him the whole world stops
  22. The way he makes me want to be a better person
  23. How caring he is
  24. How he finds the stupidest things funny
  25. The way he makes fun of me
  26. How easy he is to talk to
  27. His sense of humor
  28. How happy he is
  29. How much he loves children
  30. How cute hi was when he was little
  31. He lets me be a kid again
  32. The way he sees the best in everything
  33. How patient he is
  34. The way he respects my decisions
  35. For letting me help him
  36. For believing in me
  37. For listening to me
  38. Just because he is he
  39. For walking into my life when I least expected it
  40. How different we are
  41. How I can tell when he’s lying
  42. How respectful he is
  43. How we can talk without even saying a word
  44. How he still acts like a kid
  45. How cute he is when he’s nervous
  46. How he’s always on my mind
  47. The way he says my name
  48. Each day I learn something new about him
  49. His confidence
  50. How we can stay up all night just to talk
  51. The way he inspires me to chase my dreams
  52. How he asks me for advice and actually takes it
  53. The way he smiles when he catches my sight
  54. Even when he’s angry, or gloomy he’s still cute
  55. For your first day together in school…

 

3 month had passed after I moved in that school. I realize, that I needed it but now it was time to go back, return to my school, where I belonged. At first I thought what if I stayed, but the only thing that would change was that I wouldn’t see Steven as many times as I had. But maybe it was even better? Because I wanted to date him, not to see him every day in school. So no reason to stay was a good reason to go…

 

It was new year’s eve! Even today I have no idea why I chose that day, maybe I believed that it’s a magical day… Sometimes there is no next time, no second chance, no time out. Sometimes it’s now or never. I chose now... It was time to tell Steven everything, or text. Not because I had no courage to say everything I wanted while looking in his eyes, but because I knew he wouldn’t let me to finish. So I texted him…

“From the very first time we started talking I knew that I’ll never be a good friend for you. Not because I didn’t wanted to, but because I couldn’t. Why? From the beginning I knew that I would fall in love with you. Yes I’m deeply in love with you, Steven…

I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I know that we are ‘just friends’, but I can’t be your friend anymore, I just can’t. I wanted you to know all this, hear it from me…

I’m also returning to my new school. I want you to know that you’re the only reason why it’s a little harder to do this step.

You should also know that you’re the only one whom I let to call me Khato.”

I told him that I didn’t expect from him the same feeling, but it wasn’t true. I wanted him to lave me. It was so hard to press send, but I did…

He answered instantly, “it was interesting”… that was all he could say? Just 3 words? I deserved normal answer! But he wasn’t online anymore…

After being nervous for 13 hours he texted me:

-How are you? – I decided not to show my feeling for a while.

-Just fine.

-Look, last night it was snowing here, in my village. – And  he sand me a picture of his garden covered with fresh snow.

-What? Do you forget what I told you last night? – I was really angry. At firs his stupid text, now his stupid picture, was it what I deserved?

-What did you tell me?

-CHECK YOUR INBOX!

-Ok wait. – After several minutes he finally replied. – I’m really sorry, please forgive me, last night I was really drunk.

-Just forget it.

-And I’m sorry but we’re just friends, I never even thought about you in a different way.

-I told you, just wanted you to know, nothing more.

 

After this we haven’t talked…

You don’t always need knife to kill someone, words can cut like knives too…

I didn’t get my perfect fantasy… I was just a dreamer with a nerve to love him even more. I hadn’t read between the lines. How stupid of me to believe that he loved me. I realized that I wasn’t a princess and live wasn’t a fairy tale. I missed him too much to be mad at him. I knew that I really loved him, because I didn’t hate him for breaking my heart. When I was pressing that thorn to my chest I knew, I understood what was I doing, but I still did it…

Had lost all sense of pride, but if I heard his voice one more time I’d be fine. I would have crossed a desert and an ocean to get away from the pain of his storm… the love was tearing me apart, I had been running like the light from dark…

Whenever I heard his name I was breaking and aching. I just wanted to scream out till my voice broke, even if my heart would hate me again. I had only one question ‘Why I wasn’t good enough for his love?’ Maybe it was my blind optimism’s blame…

Sometimes I wondered how would he feel if he knew how many tears I’ve cried over him, or how many nights I’ve lied awake thinking of him, or how many thongs reminded me of him and I wonder what would he think of me with that knowledge or if hi even cared at all…

Sometimes all I did was to lie in bed and hoped to fell asleep before I fell apart. I couldn’t make him like, love, understand, validate or to accept me. My thoughts were destroying me. I tried not to think but silence was killing me. This pain was so unmanageable that the idea of spending another day with it seemed impossible. Dear cupid, next time hit both, please…

I laughed a lot because of him, I believed in love because of him, and then... I was heartbroken because of him and I was crying a lot because of him… Breathing was so hard after so much crying, it was too hard. Who could I have turned then when the only person in the world that could stop me from crying, was exactly the one making me cry…

 

Holidays were over. I had no choice, but to continue living. Only one thought was killing me, that I was going to see Steven at English class.

Flowers grow back, even after they are stepped on. So would I! At my new old school I looked so happy. Smiling, having a great time and… dying inside. I was still hurt me so much, but I was tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But I didn’t want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking. So I kept it all inside of me. Acted like everything was perfect but cried every night. So everybody thought that I was the happiest person they knew. That I had no problems and my life was perfect. What if they knew the truth?

Strong women wear their pain like they do high heels. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it. So I learned this too…

 

After two weeks I accidentally met Steven at English class. He just asked if I was okay and that was all. Every time I saw him, I died a little more. When I was standing alone in a crowded room we didn’t talk even then. I wanted to know if it was killing him like it was killing me. But he had never walked in my shoes.

After a month he texted me. I tried to act as casual as I could. Didn’t want him to know that I still had feeling for him and even bigger and deeper.

-How are you?

-Great. You?

-fine. You don’t even say ‘hi’ to me…

-Oh, sorry. Forgive me if you can. But if you don’t bother yourself to even look at my why should I say even a word to you?

-Are you mad at me? I thought that you were trying not to look at me. Do you still love me?

-Hah, how straightforward are you. Why are you asking?

-I want to know

-I’ll answer, don’t think that I’m trying to change subject, but why do you want to know? What will it change? – I still men every word that I had said, but wanted to hear something from him, something for hope. But instead I got this:

-I’m just interested.

-NO

-Is it your answer?

-YES – I was lying, he thought me how to lie…

-Are you sure? – what was he doing? Why did he wanted to know that I still had feelings for him?

-Of course. Was it all that you wanted to know?

-Yep.

-Then bye.

That was all.

After this we talked several times when we met at the English class. Sometimes he was so sweet, but sometimes wasn’t even saying a word. I was always wondering which version of him I might get that day. He never saw the way my eyes light up when he smiled. We were talking about usual things, about my exams, which collage was he going to choose, about my French class, movies, songs, books…

I would never been happy if I continued to hold on to the things that make me sad. Me and Steven were like parallel lines, always close, but never together. Or like asymptote and function, they always aspire to each other, but they’ll never be together. It was time to forget him, but forgetting him was like trying to remember who hi was the first time I saw him at school.

After 6 month, in July he texted me:

-We need to talk. NOW.

-Okay met me in 15 minutes.

All these 15 minutes I was thinking what he was going to tell me. When I saw he was really serious.

-Probably it’s too late. But I love you. I always loved you, but I needed time to understand this.

-Yeah, you needed 10 month to realize it.

-I’m sorry, really sorry. You’re the diamond I left in the dust.

-I had so many dream about you and me with happy endings… How many times I wished you say these 3 word to me… You don’t know how little words mean, when they’re too late… Now I don’t need your regrets, because those wounds you made are gone… it’s funny that you finally decided to love me on the next day of the day when I stopped chasing you… It’s time for me to start living, but I can’t start the next chapter of my life if I keep re-reading the last one… I turned my pain into power… And now I’m not going to give you a second chance, it’s like giving you an extra bullet for your gun because you missed the first time… The people in my life should be a source of reducing stress not causing more of it… You caused a huge storm in my life, but I learned to dance in the rain… You’re like a cloud, when you are gone, it will be a beautiful day… Now I’ll always leave everything I hate, find my passion, love somebody else with every ounce of my bones, stand up for things that matter, don’t apologize for who I am and I’ll be brave!!! It’s time to press delete and clear our history!!!

-Samantha… But…

He sad something, but I was far away to hear it. I left him there, shocked. Was everything that I said to him true? Absolutely. But did I love him now? Of course… I loved him even now…

We don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason. And while I was leaving with tear on my yes, I knew why he had crossed my path. He wasn’t my first kiss, or the first person I dated. He was my first love, my true love. He’s the person I will always compare everyone to. The person I will never truly get over, even when I will have convinced myself that I’ve moved on…

 

The End

 


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