Mary's Boarding House and the Art of War, Episode Eight for Podcast

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Romance
Johnny Aquas Caliente, the Apache tracker, finally arrives and asks an ominous question in regards to Henry Larond's whereabouts.

Submitted: July 09, 2016

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Submitted: July 09, 2016

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Mary’s Boarding House and the Art of War (a podcast script)

Adapted for a podcast, from the original series of the same name, by Jim Pack

Original Copyright date April 18, 2015

(Episode Eight)

Mary Thornberg (reading)

“Appear weak when you are strong and strong when you are weak

(The theme music (instrumental) Shamanistic starts at low volume in the background sound track).

Sun Tzu, The Art of War”

(If recorded before a live audience, Ryan Running Dog, before he starts the narration, will be chanting and ghost dancing to the intro music.  In his hands there will be two inflatable thunder sticks, that he uses to occasionally “bop” people on top of the head (cast and audience members alike) in time with the beats of the instrumental Shamanistic.

Note:  The plastic inflatable thunder sticks are harmless and will not cause any pain or hurt anyone.

He then stops to begin the narration and as he does so, the music decreases in volume).

Narrator (Ryan Running Dog):

My name is Ryan Running Dog, of the Western Shoshone, etc. etc. etc. Cedar Valley Goshute Band of Indians; yada, yada yada, I am your narrator.  You need a narrator, yada, yada, yada, you’ve heard this all before.  Unless this is the first time you are listening to this podcast series; if so go back and listen to the first episode.  This is the eighth and final episode of the first season.  Why only eight episodes per season?  Why do you think?  Do you think this is primetime television?  It’s only a cheaply made podcast for YouTube. 

By the way, the name of this Episode is entitled:  “In Hot Waters”

Now long knives in the audience, pretend again that your mind’s eyes are no longer eyes.  Pretend they are all camera lenses.  Now listen carefully, and I will tell you what those camera lenses are supposed to be focusing on.

(Shamanistic starts up again).

In the beginning of this segment we finally see a close up of Johnny Aquas Caliente, the Apache contractor/tracker and wilderness expert, as he takes a swig from his silver whiskey flask, intently watching something, or someone, off camera.  Once again the Soundtrack from “Shamanistic”, by Kevin MacLeod, is heard in the background.  In fact, that is what you are all listening to right now.  Buy it on iTunes. 

Cutting away from that shot we then see Johnny sitting atop his gelding, “Tommy”, as he continues to watch something off camera.  The next shot, above and from behind his back, reveals what he is so interested in.  It is Mary’s boarding house.  Mary and Joni are standing in front of Mary’s newly painted picket fence.  Also on the sidewalk nearby are the two Mormon missionaries Smith and Wesson, dressed in their usual Mormon missionary attire, i.e. ties, slacks, white short sleeved shirts and bicycle helmeted.  They are presently standing astride their bicycles, politely chitchatting with Mary and Joni. 

After Johnny puts his whiskey flask away into the breast pocket of his blue, worn out, woolen sports jacket, he trots his pony over to the four individuals that he has been so intently watching from across the street.

Johnny (very abrupt and curtly to Smith)

Mormon!

Smith

Yes sir.

Johnny

You know who I am.  Don’t you?

Smith

Yes sir.  You are Mr. Aguas Caliente.  We have talked before.

Johnny

Yes about that silly religion you believe in.  I took your advice and read that book you asked me to read.  I checked it out of the library.

Smith

Thank you for taking the trouble to do that.

Johnny (sounding almost offended)

I am not a Lamanite.  I am Apache. 

Smith

Did you read the whole book, sir?

Johnny

Not all of it.  It was very tiresome.  Don’t ask me to read another one. 

Smith

Sorry you didn’t enjoy reading it.

Johnny (now taking notice of Mary and Joni)

You two are very good looking for white women.

Mary (somewhat taken aback)

Well, thank you.  I suppose.

Johnny

Some white women can be very pretty.  Most are not.  Of course, the same can be said for Apache women.  Some of them are extremely ugly and very fat.  Some of the men are very ugly as well.  Ever see a photograph of Geronimo.  Very scrawny and short.  Yet I am tall and handsome.  So tall and handsome people make up lies about me and say that I am not really Apache.  They say that my mother mated with a Crow or a Cheyenne!!  I am not Crow!!  I am not Cheyenne!! I am Apache!!  It is not my fault I got lucky and hit the lottery in the good looks department.  Life can be hard on good looking people.  Ugly people are jealous and make up terrible lies about them. 

Narrator

Johnny is now looking at Joni and circling around her, still on his pony; inspecting her in fact.  Almost as if there were sale on pretty white women at the meat market. 

Johnny

I have never been with a pretty white woman before; only ugly ones.  Have you ever been with a good looking Apache?

Joni

No.  I can’t say that I have.

Johnny

Would you like a good looking Apache to be with?  I have four ponies.  I will let you ride the small one.

Joni

Sorry, I have other hopes and aspirations.

Narrator

Then he rides up to Mary.

(Sound of effect of shod horse hooves upon pavement). 

Johnny 

How about you?  You are not as young and as pretty as she is, but you are still not bad to look at. 

Mary

I’m sorry Sir.  I’m afraid I too am going to have to pass on your very kind and generous offer.

Johnny

It’s because I’m Apache, isn’t it?

Mary

No sir.  It’s because you are obnoxious.

Johnny

I get told that a lot.  (Now back to Smith)  Mormon, have you seen a white man riding a bay horse and leading another one?  I have been following his tracks and they lead me here, to this house. 

Smith (now very wary)

Perhaps.  Why do you want to know about this white man, Mr. Caliente?

Narrator

Now the arrogant Apache leans over his saddle horn and looks intently into the eyes of a very, wary Mormon long knife.

Johnny 

He has stolen from me.

Mary

What has this man stolen from you?

Johnny

Jobs from the county.

Narrator

Now picture this in your camera lenses, long knives.

(The instrumental “Shamanistic” on the soundtrack starts up again). 

While the soundtrack is again playing “Shamanistic”, the setting now changes to the an open meadow with a shot depicting Henry Larond galloping upon his pony, Anabell.  Then he pulls up on the reins when he sees another rider approaching who he does not recognize.  By the time the soundtrack dissipates, the stranger approaches him and then reins in his mount to have a talk with the long knife Henry Larond.

(Sound track stops, sound effect of horses being managed by their riders).

Navarro

Mr. Larond I presume?

Henry

You have me at a disadvantage Sir.

Navarro

My name is Alex Navarro.

Henry

Now where have I heard that name before?

Navarro

Perhaps from Elder’s Smith and Wesson?

Henry (remembering)

Stake President Navarro.  What brings you all the way out here on a work day?

Navarro

My business hours tend to be somewhat irregular Mr. Larond.  I would call you Brother Larond, but I understand that status is in the process of being changed.

Henry

Process of being changed?  It has already been changed, in the blink of an eye.

Navarro

Well, not officially.  You’re still on the Church rolls as a member.  Perhaps you should arrange for formal excommunication trial.

Henry

I am not into formalities.  It is what I think that I am and what God thinks that I am, not what the LDS Church thinks that I am, that matters.

Navarro

And just what exactly are you Henry?  Do you mind me calling you “Henry?”

Henry

Not at all, Alex.  I’m a Christian.

Navarro

I too am a Christian.

Henry

That’s a matter for dispute. 

Navarro

Yes, well isn’t that always the case.  Whether someone is, or is not, truly a Christian.  At the end of day, it is only God’s opinion that really matters.

Nevertheless, I haven’t ridden all this way to discuss ecclesiastical matters with you.  Let’s save those for some other time.  I’m here to make you a deal.

Henry

What kind of a deal?

Navarro

The kind that makes money.

Narrator

Said the long knife, excuse me, said the Mexican Mormon holy man, with a raised left eyebrow.

Now picture this with your camera lenses long knives, Mary Thornton is seen later that day standing in her front yard and is anxiously watching for the approach of Henry Larond, as he is coming back from his morning ride.  Henry then rides up to Mary who now looks very worried and concerned. 

(A reprise of Prokofiev’s Lieutenant Kije, Symphonic Suite, Op.60 – 2 Romance is heard in the background soundtrack)

Mary

Henry there is something I need to tell you.

Henry

Let me guess.  You want me to enter into a business arrangement with you and Alex Navarro.

Mary

Well, there’s that too, but there is something else I need to tell you.

Henry

What?

Mary

I encountered a man on horseback today; an Apache Indian.  I can’t be sure, but I think he intends to kill you.

(Fading end to soundtrack reprise of Prokofiev piece.  Then Shamanistic reprises begins again).

Narrator:

Now long knives what you are seeing in your minds eyes/camera lenses is Johnny Aquas Caliente at one of his favorite pastimes.  That being the throwing of knives of various description into a large target/backstop made from very heavy wooden planking.  (Sound effect of knives hitting into wood).  Some of the knives are big, some are small, some are Bowies, some are daggers, some are throwing knives, one is even an Arkansas Tooth Pick; knives galore and also one single tomahawk. (Sound effect of a tomahawk hitting into wood). Imagine now seeing one quick action shot, followed by another, showing this cutlery hitting the target (more sound effects depicting just that).  There is no dialogue as Johnny is throwing all these implements into the backstop.  All that can be heard is a reprise from the soundtrack again, i.e. the instrumental “Shamanistic”, except of course for the sudden thudding noises of each and every knife and/or tomahawk, as they are expertly being thrown into the hard wooden planks. (Sound effect of knives hitting into wood again).  Johnny is dangerously good with his weapons; never once missing the backstop and the paper silhouette of a man, now pinned to the front of it. Written atop the silhouetted target is the name “HENRY LAROND”. (Sound effect of one last knife hitting into wood and end of Shamanistic instrumental in the sound track).

Mary Thornberg (reading from her diary)

(Another reprise of Prokofiev’s Lieutenant Kije, Symphonic Suite, Op.60 – 2 Romance is heard in the background soundtrack)

 “Dear Diary April 23rd:

Henry is very mistrustful of Stake President Navarro’s extremely generous business proposition.  I’m all on board, but Henry just won’t bite.  “Beware of Mormons flashing big wads of money”, he is now warning.  It’s becoming a mantra with him.  “Beware of Mormons this…  Beware of Mormons that…”.  “They're always up to something, etc.”  If Howard Hughes, The Mafia and even J. Edgar Hoover can trust them, why can’t I?  They’re renowned for being honest and very trustworthy in business, even with non-Mormons.  But Henry just won’t come to the table.  And for this deal to work Henry has to be on board to train Navarro’s riding stock to be become roping and/or cutting horses.  Without Henry the deal is completely off.  But Henry thinks Navarro’s offer is just a ploy to get him back into the LDS Church. 

With Henry everything is always about them, i.e. the Mormons, getting him to be one of them again. This time it’s only about money.  But he can’t see it.  I pleaded with Navarro to meet with us both and once again to try to allay Henry’s paranoid suspicions.

Navarro told me not to worry and invited me, Henry and Joni over to his house for dinner.  And wonder of wonders, Henry agreed to come.  He must be up to something himself, why would he be so willing to meet with Navarro?  We’ll find out tonight”.

Narrator

Now long knives the scene your camera lenses depict is the inside of the luxurious dinning room of Alex Navarro’s ranch house.  Navarro, his wife June, along with Mary, Henry and Joni are sitting around a long dinning room table.  Despite the opulent surroundings, their attire is casual and relaxed, i.e. no maids, no butlers, nor servers of any kind to wait on them.  Navarro’s good looking and blond long knife wife is acting in that capacity. 

They have already finished their dinner and now the good looking blond long knife wife is spooning out bowls of ice cream, then handing each bowl to Mary to pass them down the line to each person at the table, with Navarro being last in line to be served.  Notice how all the long knife women depicted in this series are all good looking and white.  An accident?  I think not. Where are the good looking Shoshone women on this show. I wonder? I detect a definite case of unjust discrimination.  

Johnny

Yeah.  And where are the good looking Apache women?

Narrator

Don’t interrupt my narration Apache.  Who cares about good looking Apache women? 

June

Would anyone like something stronger than ice water to drink?  My husband is a complete teetotaler.  Actually, he isn’t even that, since he doesn’t drink tea either.

Joni

I guess that would make him a watertotaler. 

June

However, I am under no such restrictions.  Would someone like some wine to drink, or even something stronger, like say Scotch or Bourbon?

Mary (somewhat stunned)

I was under the impression that Mormons are not supposed to drink liquor at all?

June

They’re not, but I’m not a Mormon.

Mary (now really surprised)

You’re not?

June

No.  Not now, nor ever.  My husband was converted, not me.  I’m still a hold out.

Navarro

So Henry, if I can’t even convince my wife to convert, what hope do I have in convincing you to come back to the true faith?

Henry

Not to be nosey Ma’am.  But what exactly are you; if not a Mormon?

June

I’m an atheist. 

Henry

A real one?

June

A real one.  So relax Henry.  If my husband tries to con you back into the ward, I'll stop him. 

Navarro

No you won’t, dear.

June

I’ll try to stop him.

Navarro

Don’t get me wrong Henry, I don’t like you being a “son of perdition” as it were, but that doesn’t belie the fact that you are very good with horses.  We can still do business with each other.  And I have a great pool table in the rec room, in case you want to drop by for a friendly game of pool, or two, every once in a while. 

Henry

I already have access to a free pool table, thank you, Mary’s.

June

So Henry would you like to have something stronger than my husband’s ice water?

Henry

I don’t drink alcohol, but I could go for a cup of black coffee.

June

Darn.  I don’t like to drink alone and I was hoping to get a little tipsy tonight.

Joni

Did you say Bourbon Ma’am? 

June

And Scotch.

Joni

Bourbon is fine with me.  What about you Mary?  Maybe after a few shots we could play a little truth or dare.  Hmm, wouldn’t that be fun?

Mary (after thinking)

Make mine Scotch.

(Another Shamanistic reprise while Ryan Running Dog reads the credits).

Narrator

You have been listening to Episode Eight of Mary’s Boarding House and the Art of War.  The last podcast episode of Season One, by the long knife writer Jim Pack; who had better start writing more parts for good looking Shoshone women for next season, if he knows what’s good for him. 

Johnny

And good looking Apache women too.

Narrator

Shut up Apache.

(Narrator then reads the rest of the credits as Shamanistic continues to be heard in the background soundtrack).

 

 

 


© Copyright 2017 Jim Pack. All rights reserved.

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