The Exam

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
What would you do if you were sitting for an exam you had absolutely no clue how to attempt? What would you do to pass? Would lie, cheat or feign illness to get out of it? Or would you resort to using the one weapon that could help you pass? Read this hilarious short story and find out if you too would take the road not many would take.

Submitted: July 14, 2016

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Submitted: July 14, 2016



Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuuuuck, I think to myself as I stare at the exam paper sitting innocently on my desk. 

I can’t fucking believe I’ve done this again. I mean I thought I’d learnt my lesson the last fifty times I’d found myself shitting my pants during an exam because I knew absolutely nothing. I thought this would be the year I’d actually study and go to my lectures and tutorials, so that I could at least get some high distinctions to balance out those numerous fails I have on my already shitty transcript.
But no. No no no no no no, here I am once again sitting in an examination hall staring at an exam paper I don’t what the fuck to with. I mean you have to give me a little credit here. I must be the best idiot the world has ever seen to find be in the same fucking position again three years running (You’d think I would’ve learnt something. Meanwhile all the nerds around me are pretty much engraving their answers onto the fucking table and asking for, I shit you not their tenth fucking booklet.  

I have no choice; once again I have to rely on my one and only last resort failsafe of a weapon, plain and simple bullshit! 
Bullshit is a marvellous thing, in the right hands it can change the world, and it is the one skill I have professionally mastered in all my years of schooling (trust me I passed a math test with bullshit and math only has one answer).

So I close my eyes and mentally equip my ultimate weapon. I put on my bullshit armour, mount my bullshit horse, and unsheathe my brilliant bullshit sword. I silently scream some bullshit cursing the world, and make my exam an enemy I have to defeat. Yes this is happening I’m ready now. I can feel my bullshit sword pen tightly grasped in the palm of my hand. Suddenly before I can open my eyes and unleash my bullshit based trance onto my exam, I feel the wrinkly palm of an exam monitor tap me on my shoulder.

“Are you ok dear? You haven’t opened your eyes in thirty minutes,” she asks eerily whispering into my ear as if trying to call my bullshit based bluff.  I keep my eyes closed, trying to keep my bullshit based trance going.
“I’m fine,” I reply sweetly masking my anger, “Just thinking...” 

“Ok dear, think faster, you only have an hour left and you haven’t touched your exam paper yet” she says nicely as I hear her walk away.
Fuck I think to myself, it’s taken me an hour to equip my trusty bullshit mode, so the time to strike is  now or never. I open my eyes with a blistering fury and glare at the examination paper like it’s taken my soul. You will forever be my enemy, I will vanquish thee into oblivion!!!.

I attack the exam paper like a wild dog tearing bits of meat from its prey. I bullshit here, there and everywhere I can. I fight to the last minute, bullshitting my way to apparent victory, while basking in godlike confidence. I make my final pen stroke and collapse into epic victory throwing my paper at the exam monitor, thinking here knave take evidence of my epic battle and present to thy king, I Jon Snow King of the North have defeated your best warrior in battle, and walking out of the exam hall in a blaze of glory.

Three weeks later, I find you can’t always bullshit your way through an exam and Professor Bolton has conveniently put you in her class again.  

© Copyright 2018 Timothy Flame. All rights reserved.

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