Self Help

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
It doesn't make any sense, and I know it's wrong. But this is how I help myself.

Submitted: July 14, 2016

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Submitted: July 14, 2016

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It looks like, I’m spending tonight alone,

I’m not sad cause I’m used to it by now.

That familiar feeling, is creeping up on me,

I feel it, crawling up my back, and

Sending shivers all up and down my body.

 

How many times, have I stayed awake

Until half past five, staring up at the ceiling,

Lying alone, overcome by this feeling?

When there’s no one else there,

Who can help me, I’ve, got to

Get the fuck up out of bed, and help myself.

 

I’ve done this before, so I know how to

Slip out of my room undetected, and slither

Into the kitchen, it’s not a secret where

They keep the alcohol, it’s right above the stove.

I usually don’t take a lot, but tonight’s

Not an ordinary night, I really need it this time.

I need to numb the pain inside of my head.

 

How many times, have I drank,

In the middle of the night, when

No one’s awake to see my drunken state?

I won’t remember any of this, when I wake up

Tomorrow, hopefully I’m in my bed.

You might not understand it, but

This is how I, help myself.

 

I also know where you keep your smokes,

They sit right by the microwave, with a

Lighter that always sits nearby.

I have other, more secretive ways of,

Getting nicotine, and I feel like I’d get caught,

Really fast, if I started stealing your cigarettes.

I usually don’t even smoke these, that much,

But tonight’s not an ordinary night, I need this.

I need this, it’s worth the risk. It’s worth it.

 

How many times, have I smoked,

At all hours of the day, getting high

Off of nicotine, to escape myself?

I’m gonna wake up tomorrow,

Feeling like absolute shit,

But it’s worth it, because when no one’s around,

This is how I, help myself.

 

There’s one last piece to the puzzle,

And it’s shaped like a kitchen knife.

I’ve done it like a hundred times,

So I know how to do it quietly.

Grab the knife, some tape and tissues,

And slip into the bathroom unnoticed.

I ran out of band aids, so I started making my own.

And since I learned how to do it, I can’t,

Seem to stop, cutting myself.

I hate the whole process, I hate the pain,

I hate the blood, and I hate the secrecy.

Yet still I can’t help it, I can’t stop it.

But I need this, it’s not a normal night,

Maybe I can just do it once or twice.

 

How many times, have I, cut

Myself to shreds, just feet away,

From where my family sleeps?

I’m gonna wake up tomorrow,

In pain, and with blood stains on my clothes.

But it’s worth it, this is my favorite way,

To help myself, when no one’s around.

 

There’s one way, that I know of,

But I’ve been too scared to try it.

There’s a lot of medication in my house,

Prescription on top of prescription.

I know, where all the medication is kept,

But I’m afraid of what it will do to me.

There’s some powerful shit,

All over the place here, but if I,

Fucked with prescription medications,

I know that I would certainly die, the same night.

But is it worth it? Is it worth it?

 

How many times, will I, surround

Myself with unopened pill bottles,

All around me, too scared to take them.

I’m gonna wake up tomorrow,

Even though I’m gonna wish I,

Just chugged entire bottles of medication.

 

I know it’s wrong to drink like this,

But I can’t stop. I can’t stop.

 

I know it’s wrong to smoke, as much as I have.

But I can’t quit,I can’t quit.

I’m addicted, I’m in too deep.

 

I know it’s wrong to keep cutting myself.

But I can’t stop,I can’t stop.

 

I know it’s wrong to think about,

Overdosing on prescription meds.

But I can’t stop, I can’t stop thinking about it.

 

It looks like, I’m spending tonight alone,

I’m not sad cause I’m used to it by now.

That familiar feeling, is creeping up on me,

I feel it, crawling up my back, and

Sending shivers all up and down my body.

I know that you don’t understand it,

But, this is, how I help myself.


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