Two Sides Of Mirror

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Finding Romance
Him and I are both in a different sides of the same mirror.

**note; I also uploaded this story on wattpad**

Submitted: July 22, 2016

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Submitted: July 22, 2016

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I can't hide any part of me from him; it won't be fair for our friendship. He is the world in my eyes. I felt the universe when I touched his heart. I saw night starts sparkle in his eyes. I hear heartbreaking lullaby when he laughs. I see heaven when he is happy.

He is happy, and I'm in pain. I want him to be happy, but it kills me to see someone else makes him smile. I want to be selfish for once. Tonight I went to his house, to Caleb's. "I have something to tell you." Caleb looked at me smiling, and I can't take it anymore. I took a step toward him. "I'm sorry I haven't told you before, but I needed to figure things out first and to be sure." He didn't interpret me and listened; because he knew I was serious. I took a deep breath and whispered. "I'm homosexual, Caleb." My heart was never beating this fast, and I want him to say something at least. I wasn't looking at his face. So he came forward and hugged me. At this moment the universe in his heart was surrounding me, merging us together. We were one. We are one. "That's okay, Sky. I love you the same, thanks for being brave to tell me this." His words have been whispered at into my ears. I haven’t heard something sounds this pleasing ever. It's said very carefully and lovingly. My stomach became warm and suddenly cold when he pulled away.

I whipped the gathering tears in my eyes and said: "I should head back home then." And Caleb walked me to the front door; he didn't even ask if I wanted to stay the night as always. When I'm in bed supposed to be getting sleep, I was trying not to think of his embrace. But I couldn't stop thinking. I still feel his arms around me, closing around my shoulders tightly. When his lips brushed slightly against my ears, while he whispered to me, saying he loves me the same. "I'm in love with you, Cal." And I am.

Next week I went to the garden shop, Caleb's birthday is coming soon. I know he is passionate about plants, but he never admits it. We used to go to his mother greenhouse in their backyard. He memorized every flower name, and where their habitats are. "Cactus lives in deserts. They can handle high heat temperatures, as they store water in their bodies for a long time." Caleb talked with excitement about this plant, and he loves cactus. Because I guess, he thinks they are strong and survivors.

He is throwing a party to celebrate his birthday. And since parties weren't my scene I went to his house early in the morning. "Happy birthday, Caleb" I walked into his room while he is still sleeping, I sat next to him. Caleb opened one eye lazily, looking at my side. "Hey, man." I placed the cactus next to the window, with a card attached to it says 'With all the love in the world, I wish you happiest birthday.' I'm about to leave his room but stopped when he called my name. "Are you coming to the party?" He asked. "No. I have stuff to finish." Lying to him isn't my favorite thing to do, but the truth is ugly.

According to the teenagers who attended Caleb's party, it was very wild and loud. I'm seeing everyone's pictures and videos that posted online. I felt guilty for not being by his side. He sure needed me with all the craziness going around. There is a knock on my door; I thought it was my mother came to visit. But Caleb came in. "Cal!" He is the last person I thought he would be behind my door, but there he is. "My party is boring. So I came here." He admitted, and continued when I did not respond. "I know you don't have 'stuff to finish,' you don't like parties." Caleb laughed and came to sit beside me. Too close our shoulders and arms are touching. "Sorry about that. So do you want to go skating?" And I know his answer already.

It is an ordinary night. Moon is almost despairing. We could spot view stars if we looked carefully. But it felt special to me, the day Caleb was born. And we're celebrating by doing the thing we both love. He ditched his party to be with me. And I'm the happiest man on earth. We are riding our skateboards, saying unfunny jokes and laughing at our stupidity.

"Do you want to leave?" Caleb asked with amusement. We finished our ride and lay down on the grass, staring at blackness with white dots. "Not yet," I answered, wanting his company.  "I meant the town. Do you want to move somewhere else? Some quite place." He was deep in his thoughts; I can't read his mind at moments like this. It is his mysterious side. "If it is with you then sure, I can't see a life without you." Now he turned his head to look at me. I can see a lot of things going on with him. His eyes speak more than his tongue. He is bothered by something, and it bothers me as well. "Let it out, Caleb. What's on your mind?" It wasn't a question. I demanded him. "I brook up with Sue tonight."  He said. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" I wasn't sorry. "I am, and not." He continued. "I mean I wasn't happy in the relationship, and the other relationships I had. Something is wrong with me." Caleb being insecure wasn't a thing I'm used to. He's very confident in himself and his choices, to see him confused about things weren't usual. "Finding someone you love, and to be happy with them is not an easy thing. There's a person out there was born for you. You will find them one day; you will see." I never cared how Caleb looks like, but he is an attractive guy, also talented and smart. Anyone will want to be with him.

We headed back to my apartment last night. Since Caleb's house was not so clean; he slept in my room. At morning I woke up before him, he had couple beers yesterday, and he is lightheaded. My best friend never looked peaceful or innocent while he slept. His eyebrows are always frowning; his breaths were heavy like he is angry at the world. And I think he is. I kissed his cheek lightly. It felt amazing, so I did it again, a little harder this time. That made him wake up looking around confused. "Don’t kiss me in my sleep, pervert." At least he managed to say a correct sentence. "I didn't kiss you asshole."

Matter of a fact, Caleb disliked skin-on-skin contact with people. He avoids crowded places. I believe it's the reason of his relationships failure. In the end, girls wanted more of him, and he couldn't provide that. I wasn't anything special; when our skins brush accidently, I can see him flinch. He apologizes to me, it hurts, but I understand why. The day I came out to him, and he hugged me, I was surprised because it was our first time to have real physical contact. I couldn't sleep because I was memorizing every moment of his embrace.

"So, is there anyone special in your life?" Caleb asked me while having his late breakfast. "Not really. There's a girl who keeps asking me out, though." I think she knows I am not into girls. "Any guy you have an interest in?" He kept asking. "No," I answered immediately. "Is there any reason? I can hook you up if you want." Caleb said naturally like we are used to having this type of conversations. "No thanks, I'm sure he is some weirdo who wants sex all the time. What's this about anyway, we never talk about my love life." We talk about his.

"I always wondered why you never date. Now I know why maybe you want to?" The thing is; I can't be with anyone when all I want is him. "I don't want to date Caleb because I'm in love with somebody." If I did not admit to him now, he would keep asking, and I'm afraid to reveal unnecessary feelings. "You never told me anything! And if you love him why aren't you with him? Did he reject you?" I can't take this anymore; I wish he could stop. "Yes." And I lied to him, again. "It's his loss." It’s mine actually if you just knew.

The sun reminds me of him. Bright, very bright and its' shine stole the night's star. It looks close but far, far away. Caleb has been distanced from the world; he is going out less. Doesn't respond to my calls often, and refuse to talk about it. He's sad; I know it. I know him. He always shut himself out when he is not pleased. I want to give him comfort, but he didn't give me a chance. There's an emptiness in my heart when I don't see him, talk to him. I hate it when he's far as the sun. They are right here but unreachable.

I had enough of his unstable mood, so I went to his place today. His room door is locked. "Open up, Cal. It's me Sky." I sounded pleading, and I am. He unlocked the door after view minutes; he let me in and unlocked it again. Caleb was clean, but his face looked sick, pale, and he has shadows under his eyes. "What's going on with you?" I need him to be comfortable to talk to me, to see me as his best friend. "I needed some time to think of my life." He said his voice low and sounded sad. Like pain is choking him. The pain was suffocating me as well to see him like this. "You can think of your life as much as you want, Caleb. But you don't have to do this to yourself." I snapped at him. I am angry because he is not taking care of himself, doesn't he see that he have me? And I need him.

"I'm leaving, Sky. I'm leaving the town." I can see tears gathering in his tired, red eyes. I kept looking at the floor while he was talking. "Cleveland Institute accepted me; I'm joining them." Now that made me looks at him. I was kind of speechless. "Congrats, Cal, this is great." It's his dream, to join a music school. He always wanted to improve his skills with the violin. "You do realize I will be far from here. We will not see each other much. You're not going to be by my side." I don't understand why he cares this much about seeing me; his dreams just came true. "What is this nonsense? I'm always going to be by your side, even when you're as far as the sun. That's your dream; you have my full support." His absence will kill me of course. But I will die a thousand deaths if that what takes to make him happy. "We are going to catch up anyway, right?" The connection wasn't a problem these days, but people when moved away wanted to leave their old life behind. While their past lives waited for them all time, I was afraid he would be one of them, to leave me behind. Caleb used to talk about moving for a while; he did too at his birthday night. He answered me with a yes.

Caleb's mood was becoming better slightly; he still doesn't go out. But at least he talks to me, letting me in again. "I'm proud of you," I said while I read the letter from Cleveland Institute. "You always had been the one with a bright future, and I am the boy who has nothing." And that's an undeniable fact. "Don't say that; you will always have me. Besides, you will find something you are skilled at in some point." He grabbed my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. "Promise me you will use it in good and improve it." My voice came as a whisper when I promised him. I looked away because my cheeks were heating up.

Tomorrow is the day Caleb is leaving. So we spent this day together at the red hill as they call it. For some reason, this hill became colored with red at sunsets. The grass looks burning like the sun put it on fire when it rose. From here came the name, it is our place. Mine and Caleb's, no one came up here because they think it was cursed. I believe that it's magical, unique, and alternative. "Did you pack everything? Also, you need to be sure you don't have unfinished business here; I'm not cleaning after you." I asked him. He is looking at the sun; its shine was giving his skin a beautiful glow. "I only have one thing isn't done here, but don’t worry. I will finish it when I'm back." I couldn't get it when he gave me undirected answers. Caleb loved being mysterious and profound. He always goes after the extraordinary. I wonder how we became best friends because I'm the most ordinary person in town.

"Do you want to eat in Dine & Wine?" Caleb asked when we left the hill walking down the street. "The place where I work, that's a hell no." We both laughed because my boss has his ego up the sky. I hated him; he thinks he owns the people who work in his restaurant. Plus he was handsome, and it did not help, the female employees adored him because of his looks. And I still hate him.

"Our mothers prepared a big dinner for you. And I helped by keeping you busy all day." We agreed to make a small celebration for him. To have all the family gathered. Our fathers, mothers, and us, we weren't blood-related but consider ourselves a family. "So who's house?" He asked.

After the dinner, we headed back to my apartment. I couldn't leave him alone while we had view beers. "Do you remember the time you tried to climb a tree to bring my cat down? And then you fell hard on your bum." That pleasing melody came from his throat, when he laughs I can hear heartbreaking lullaby. "Yes. And I remember how scared you were because my ankle was sprained." I looked at that broken ankle; I couldn't save the cat who escaped eventually. "You started a habit of climbing trees since, and I saw you as a hero that day."

I can't resist how captivating he looks, flushed cheeks, his lips red and swollen. Remembering an old memory, telling me I was his hero. It was too much, and I want to kiss him as a way to thank him for letting me in his life. But I couldn't take advantage of his vulnerability like this. He trusts me, and I should respect that. I helped him walking to the guest room. I cried this night, I cried hard and screamed. It was shattering me to be in love with someone I can't have. He is a forbidden person for me. 

 I'm driving back to town after dropping Caleb off to the airport. He is gone now; I wanted to hug him before he left but he did not want to. All he gave me is a wave, like he does after we meet and separate at the end of the day. But this wasn't as always, this time, he is leaving for a long period. I blame him for digging this emptiness in my heart.

After a week I finally received a call from Caleb, he apologized for not doing it earlier because he was busy with some arrangements. And me being a good friend I tell him its okay when I know he is lying.

I called him every day; he didn't pick up most the days. I don't understand why he refuses to talk to me, what I have done wrong?

In two months we stopped contacting each other, he never called or texted nor did I. That's it, him leaving me behind and moving on. I knew this would happen, but then he gave me hope by saying that I will always have him. Why did he say things he doesn't mean? He gave me false hope, and I hate him for it. Caleb could have admitted the truth, which he wants to move forward instead of lying. Have the truth been ugly for him as it was for me?

I did not know how to deal with my problems; I felt frustrated all the time and angry. One day a colleague of mine offered me a cigarette, he said it should calm me down and to let out my frustration. I tried it, and I liked it. I started to smoke more often until it was a habit. Smoking became my new friend now, but it wasn't enough.

"Do you want to go out tonight with us? We're celebrating." The Same guy who offered me my first cigarette asked. "Celebrating what?" I asked him. "No reason, just to have fun." I wanted something to distract me, and this is a great opportunity, I agreed to go with them.

We went to a night club, an hour away from the town. It was a regular club, as usual, the music was loud, a bar at the middle, and the dance floor is everywhere. We were sitting in a booth having a lot of drinks in front of us; some had color in them, others in tall glasses with a lemon or salt at the top of the glass. They all were people I worked with. It's the first time I meet them out of work, and they were a good company to have, plus they knew how to party. I forgot about Caleb this night. "Do you want to dance?" Erin shouted to me so I could hear him, and I did not have time to respond because he grabbed my arm dragging me to the dance floor.

I just stood there while Erin was taking control; he swayed his hips seductively trying to make me dance by his moves. He came closer to me and brought his mouth to my ears whispering "Dance with me." His hands interlocked around my neck, and he started grinding on me. I jumped a little out of surprise; I was not used to this kind of contact. But it felt nice, and I liked it, kind of. I started to sway my hips against Erin; from the look on his face, I knew he loves it. The pleasure was touching my whole body invading me; Erin moved closer and looked into my lips. I looked back at him, he takes it as a welcome and kissed me. I kissed back and he let me take control of the kiss, Caleb came to my mind, so I pulled away. Erin asked if there is something wrong, I said I was feeling dizzy. He walked me out, and as soon as fresh air hit my face, I felt like throwing up. We managed to stop a cab, and we headed back to the town.

The following day Erin did not show up for work, he took the day off, and I was thankful. It will be embarrassing to see him after we drunkenly kissed. The day went as dull as it could be. I usually hang out with Caleb after work, and I could stand my shift only because I was going to see him afterward. Now I had nothing but to smoke, look at me I was pathetic. My mother found out about my new habit when I went to visit her. Apparently, I did not hide the smell very well from her. She gave me a very long lecture about how I'm damaging my lungs and leading myself to a slow death; then she said: "Actually a bit faster end because you have asthma Sky! How couldn't you think of that, don't you care about your health at all?" I almost quit, almost. But I needed something to fill the hole in me. Though cigarettes weren't enough and since I had fun in the club last night I am going this night too. One of Erin's friends said there is a good one four blocks away.

This club was different from any I saw before. The music played included inappropriate words, and then I realized they sang about sex. In fact, people were doing it in front of everyone. Half of them are poorly dressed while the others were only in their underwear, this is defiantly not my kind of place, and so I left fast enough hoping no one of Erin's friends notices me and pull me in.

I was feeling empty this morning, my life became very dull. Same things I do every day and repeat them the next day too. I am looking for any new chance to do what I haven't done before. "You did not show up yesterday, what happened?" Erin asked me at our shift today. I made sure to make the glasses shine as possible. "I decided it was not my kind of place to be in." He laughed and eyed me from top to bottom. "Defiantly not yours, let me take you to appropriate place tonight then. What do you say?" I said I am looking for new chances this morning, and one just came to me. "At least some place where they have great food."

"Trust me; they have the best food. It's to die for." In the end, I agreed to let him take me.

This restaurant was for couples. All the tables were for two, and the people looked like recently married or madly in love. It is very cliché for me. They had a dance floor, as they played slow romantic music. It makes me feel sick. At the top of that there are candles everywhere, also fake red roses at the tables. But as Erin said, their food is the best. "Are you enjoying your meal?" He asked while smelling his glass of white wine. I smiled at him; my mouth is full it would be embarrassing to speak. Besides, I wanted to leave as soon as I can. "Do you want to dance?" We are done with our meals, and I was eager to leave, but he had to ask. "I never danced with a partner before; I'm not sure-" He did not let me finish and insisted that I dance with him. "I will teach you, come on."

Like our first dance, I stood not having any clue how to act, while Erin took control. He rested his left arm on my right shoulder and the other around my waist. "Now do as I did." I did as he asked, my moves were shy, and it embarrassed me to have my hand around his waist. Another song started playing; he moves slowly with the rhyme. I followed his leads carefully trying not to step on his feet. Unfortunately, I failed my task; I stepped on him view times. "Sorry, told you I suck at this." Even when I can see he is not bothered by it, he was enjoying his time. I knew because he was smiling widely, and that sparkle of joy was dancing in his eyes. He laughed and rested his head on my chest. The song ended, and violin music came up, I listened carefully it sounded familiar. It is passionate and emotional; I knew this tune I recognized it. Caleb used to play this song. I stopped moving; I can’t stand anymore. I apologized to Erin, and I run out the restaurant.

Trying to forget him is hard, there is always something will remind me of him. I compared him to the sun once, and I hate how right I was. Now he is farther than ever, two thousand three hundred fifty-one miles away. But his shadow is everywhere, in the music he played, at the red hill, on top of a tree, in every plant I pass by. He is all over in my heart and mind, this is worse than death because I'm alive and barely breathing. 

I walked down the street this morning to release my frustration out. I stopped at the garden shop when I passed by it, after moments of hesitation I went in and bought a small cactus. I placed the new plant beside my bedroom window; I stared at the cactus for a long time. It reminded me of a lot of things; I was so desperate that I started talking to the small plant. Like it would listen to me and understand my suffering. "Are you feeling lonely? Because that's how I feel without him." I promised I would get the cactus a new friend before leaving for work.

I am very sure; Erin is avoiding me today. I was not in the mood for apologizing or explaining myself, so I let him be and gave him space. Also, the restaurant is crowded today because of Valentine's Day. This holiday was so pointless I have no idea why would people celebrate it. Although seeing all these happy couples snuggling at each other and giving lovingly looks did not help at all.

During the five minutes break, I heard some of the staff says there will be a butterfly's garden opening in the town soon. Caleb loves butterflies; the colorful wings fascinated him. If he heard the news I'm sure he is going to be thrilled; I wonder how he would react. 'They are such a delicate creatures, also alluring and magnificent. Imagine seeing hundreds of them flying together, dancing through the air.' I missed his passion and the way he talked about things that wondered him.

"Hello, stranger," I said to Erin when I saw him at our shift the following week. He didn't speak to me at all during the week, just gave me deadly glares when he bumped into me. I gave him enough of space, and it's time to talk. "What do you want, Sky?" Apparently, he is still angry with me. "I'm sorry for running from our date that night." He took a deep breath and finally looked at me. "Look, I like you. But it seems you are not ready for this." I did not realize it was so obvious, but I want to be ready, I want to move on. At the same time I did not want to play with someone's emotions to fill my own, so I let it go.

Tonight I am going to the same night club located one hour from town; I'm not sure I remember its name. Erin's friends invited me again; he was okay with me hanging out with them. I think he wants us to be friends at least. I never had any friends besides Caleb. We sat at the same booth we did before, a lot of different drinks at the table. I went crazy and drank a lot of liquor; it helped to ease my pain, and I want it gone. I was light and free. I can do anything; my emotions weren't eating me from the inside. I let it all go, I was not holding on to anything. My reflection is taking control now.

I scanned the club and saw a handsome guy at the bar sitting by himself because I'm ruling the world tonight I walked to him. "Why is a hot specimen like you is all alone?" My attempt at flirting is the worse, but he laughed and was kind enough to reply. I don't know how we ended up dancing then. The handsome guy was dancing seductively; he gripped my hips moving me closer to him. The world was spinning around me. I intertwined my fingers around his neck and grinned against his hips. I can tell he was excited. I kissed him hard on the mouth; he did not hesitate to kiss back as hard. Our kiss was a fight of lips, tongue, and teeth. It was a messy and hungry kiss. I wanted more, no I needed more. "Do you want to leave?" I would never ask this question, but now because of the alcohol, my reflection who decided what we wanted; it's going to be a long night.

I woke up in an unfamiliar room half naked; another man slept next to me. I closed my eyes to remember last night; a massive headache was hurting my head, and however I can remember the things I did in this bedroom. We were all over each other, I was going for it, but I stopped. Deep inside me, I wanted it, although not with a strange man. I feel humiliated of myself; I dressed and walked out of his apartment. It was a night I wanted to forget.

I sat beside the two cactuses beside my window. "I'm such a disgusting guy; you should know that." They weren't going to respond to me no matter how much I talked to them, but I made it a habit talking about my life to them. An idea popped into my head; I wanted to plant some flowers. I had no place, but my parents have a front yard that will use some care. It was barren, and I'm going to make it my job to improve it.

I bought some gardening tools and flowers to start with. Thankfully my mother agreed to change the front yard because she wanted her friends to be impressed when they come over. I knew a thing or two about planting from Caleb. I got flowers that are suitable for out weather. I dig up small holes, and then I placed the flowers on them. It took longer time than I expected because my mother was making commands all over my head. When I was done I observed my work; I haven't been satisfied it still needs more work.

 

Every day after my shift I went to get different plants and flowers for my parent's. Also mother started to bring flowers she liked, even if they couldn’t stand the heat. The front yard starts to look better, more alive, and colorful. "Mum, I think we should surround them with sunflowers from behind. They will be as a wall protecting the small ones." I was thinking of him because he is a sun and those flowers followed the sun. And I am a sunflower. Mother thought it was a brilliant idea and decided to go for it.

In a couple of weeks, our work was mostly done; we had a beautiful garden now. We planted different types of flowers and plants, as we changed the grass and got a one looking more fresh and green. The wall of sunflower looked the best for sure; Caleb would have loved it. I did this to remember him in a right way, instead of the pain he left me with. "Honey, the front yard looks like the secret garden. Thank you for doing it." She printed a kiss on my cheek. Although she thinks to work with the plants distracted me from smoking, which was not true but I let her believe it.

The night was the worst time for me; all the disturbing ideas hunted me at this time. Like: what if I was gone from this world, will anyone notice? Am I going to be missed? Or would anyone remember me at the first place? Sleep was not an option for this night, so I went out to take a walk. I did not care if it is late at night, and the streets may be dangerous.

Going out at this time is not bad as people claim; it’s the calmest period. I like how peaceful and quiet it is the darkness all around us. The only source of light is the streets lamps. No one is out here, except for lunatics, reckless teenagers, or drug dealers and their customers, in my case a hopeless guy. "Sky, is that you?" I heard a familiar voice talking to me, and then I realized it was, Collin. When I try to find peace, my annoying boss appears out of nowhere to take it from me. I tried to walk faster and ignore him; unfortunately, he kept up to me and grabbed my shoulder. What if I wasn't, Sky?

"What are you doing here?" I was not on shift, even if he is the person who pays my salary; I didn’t have to talk to him with respect. "Do you want to grab a drink? It's on me." It's like I would love to have a drink with a bastard like him. But remember when I said I was looking for new adventures. So basically this is a chance for me, I decided to give it a chance and agreed to have a drink. We walked side by side to Famous bar in town, Collin and I had view rounds. To my surprise, he is a great company to drink with. I laughed at his jocks, even if they were unfunny. He knew how to make them funny. I noticed we were touching a lot while we talked, sometimes our hands brush against each other. I missed the feeling of another skin against mine. I placed my hands on top of his, sliding my fingers on his. Collin stopped talking and looked down at our hands, then at me. I begged him with my eyes to do something, anything but denying me. He took the hint; I guess he did not mind giving me what I wanted because he leaned closer towards me. Collin brought his lips over mine and locked them together; I closed my eyes sighing. He pulled away to look at me for a moment. I grabbed his neck and kissed him again deeply. I became desperate when I was drunk. My body was getting hot and needed more than this. Collin pushed me off him. "Not in here, let’s go to my place." I nodded my head, and we walked out the bar.

I was sweating like I am in the middle of a desert; my breaths became fast and profound. All I could think about is how much I enjoyed this. I turned my head to the man next to me; Collin was deep in his sleep. I couldn’t stay here and sleep next to him, I gathered my clothes and left. I was touching my lips and the parts of my body he kissed; I still felt the heat from them. Even when I liked what we did in his bedroom, I still have something back in my head telling me I should not have done it. I wanted to move on, but Caleb's memories held me back. Caleb is a war, and I'm the battlefield.

Today at work, Collin was walking around the restaurant and making sure everything is alright. It was not something he would usually do, but I did not mind. I was looking at him when he walked around; I couldn't take my eyes off. In one night I went from hating him, to appreciate him and admire his beauty. I really am hopeless. "So last night was incredible." I tried to flirt with him during my lunch break. Somehow I happened to be in a great mood today. Slowly I walked towards him when I was about to touch his chest he caught my hand. "But then you left, why?"

"I can't sleep well in somewhere I'm not used to, and I have work today." Lying to anyone else was easy for me, so why it was hard when the person was Caleb? I still have him on my mind while I'm flirting with another man. I unbuttoned the first buttons on Collins shirt; I bit my lower lip trying to be seductive. Going for his neck, I kissed it and sucked on it. Collin made a pleasurable voice encouraging me to go harder. He started moving his hips up against me; I can feel his excitement. Since I was causing the problem, I fixed it.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror thinking that I look great in a leather jacket, and the skinny jeans weren't so bad either. I am about to meet up with Erin and his group at our favorite club. "We have not seen you for a while now, but let me tell you how great you look tonight." One of the girls complimented me; I gave her a small smile, and a thank you. After catching up with them, I pulled Erin to the dance floor. This time, I was the one taking control of the dance.

I am dancing dirty with him, touching in inappropriate ways. Our hands were in places they shouldn't be; he was confused by my sudden change of act. Though he did not complain, and I let myself lose control for the moment. I tried to be seductive while I whispered in his ears. Erin grabbed my belt moving me closer to him, a wide smirk on his face. I knew exactly what he wanted; I hesitated if I should do it or not. A voice back in my head said 'You are looking for a new adventure.' So I took his hands and we headed outside the club to the closest motel.

The night got more tempting and sensual. Hot lips leaving burning kisses on my body, voices of satisfaction came out of my throat. It was different and the same from my night with Collin. It was different because they both had their ways they preferred, but the same because I had the similar feelings. It's just one night for me; I did not care to be in a relationship after. I just wanted to be on the other side of my mirror.

This time, I slept next to the man I spent my night with. I felt a random pattern drawn on my chest; Erin greeted me with a big grin and eyes full of joy. "I wonder why your parents named you, Sky." When I see how cheerful he is for being with me, I regret staying here with him. I should have moved to another room. I'm not ready to be with him, or anyone. I still think of Caleb. I'm disgusted with myself, I can feel my heart crying, but there are no tears in my eyes. It's aching me more and more each day.

While we are our way back to town, my chest started to get tighter. Breathing became painful, and I know what it is going to happen. "Oh my god, Sky, what's going on, your face is getting red!" Erin is panicking next to me and asked the cab driver to pull over the side. It was hard to speak with me coughing this hard; I couldn't feel any oxygen coming inside my lungs. The driver knew what happened to me and got on the road again. "He is having an asthma attack; we should take him to the hospital. There is one ten minutes away." I should have brought my inhaler with me; I did not want to die like this. I have a life waiting for me, things I want to achieve. I tried to stay calm and focused; Erin was helping me with the breathing. "Just breathe as I do, yes like that. You are doing well. Keep breathing."

The next thing I know, I was in a hospital room. Oxygen mask attached to my face and Erin is sitting beside me with his hand on my back making a comforting gesture. "Are you feeling better now?" He asked me. I know he felt terrified; he should not have been with me. I nodded my head trying to assure him. "Can you stand up? I'm going to take you home." I stood up and let him guide me outside. We took another cab to my apartment. "Thank you, Erin," I said to him before closing the door to my place, I should have invited him in or at least hugged him. But my mind was somewhere else.

First time I had an asthma attack, I was fourteen back then, and Caleb was eleven. He told me they were moving from town, and I panicked. I was not sure what was happening to me, we both were afraid, and he tried to calm me down. Caleb yelled for my mother, and she came running to us. She knew I had an attack, and she carried me inside giving me my inhaler. She yelled at me and told me to take it everywhere I go. "It's important for an asthma patient to have his inhaler with him, do you understand?" All the yelling, and punishment she gave me for not carrying the inhaler did not work. I still forget it sometimes.

My mother came to visit me by dinner time. "I had a phone call from your colleague moments ago saying you had an asthma attack!" And Erin had to tell her about this; I don't even know how he has her number. "I said millions of times to carry your-" I interrupted her because I couldn't stand any yelling right now. "Look, mum, I'm fine now." My voice came low and cracked a bit; I did not sound okay. "Please tell me you are not still smoking. Damn it, Sky. Do you want to kill yourself? Why?" She was going to cry, and I feel sorry about this. I don't want to die, but I can't handle a life without him either. "I'm taking you to the hospital tomorrow. To have diagnoses for your chest." I know if I argued with her I would lose, and she was furious with me right now. I easily agreed to let her take me. And she stayed the night in my place.

When we met the doctor, he asked me a lot of questions. Like: Have you been very exhausted lately? Did you lose your appetite and weight? When you coughs are there any blood comes out too? Are you feeling random pain in chest? I got very nervous because all my answers to the questions were yes. Afterward, he asked to have CT scan of my chest and to have a sample of my lung cells. He set me another appointment after two weeks to have my results. I never thought I would get lung cancer, but now I started to worry.

My parents were both irritated with me, my mother took all the cigarettes packs I had and through them away. "If you bought another one, I swear we will disown you." That was harsh and cruel; they are acting cold towards me. I deserved it; I should have taken care of my health. Perhaps Caleb had left me, but I still have parents that cared about me. I have been miserable and reckless; I am not very proud of it. All I have left with now is regret, guilt, and damaged lungs. It's not like they were not bad before, I made them worse. "I'm sorry, mom and dad." I will be angry at Caleb if he did not look after himself, I wonder how he would react if he knew what I did to myself.

Waiting for something to come was tough; I have been worried and anxious all the time. I gave myself time to think of what I am going to do if the tests were positive, and what I should do if they were negative. I already stopped smoking, and I think I will never have a cigarette in my life again. I also should quit drinking alcohol. I promised myself if I came negative I will change my life for the better, but if I came positive, there will be a big chance I would not live for a long time.

When I went to see the doctor, I did not take my mother with me. "How are you feeling lately, Mr. Slade?" He was the friendly kind of doctor; I did not notice the last time, but he had a bright smile on his face. Also, he had a big green plant in his office beside the window; it made me smile. "I have been better I guess. I mean, I'm not coughing blood now. But I feel slightly better."

"I am going to be honest with you. First, thank god your tests became negative. You don't have a lung cancer. But, you are at risk to have it. So you must take better care of your health, smoking is the biggest reason for any cancer, and you already have an asthma young man. You have a long life ahead of you, don't lead yourself to destruction." I have felt relive after hearing this; I was euphoric now that I am not going to have cancer and go through the chemical therapy. "Thank you, doctor, this is great news." I shook his hand and left the hospital; I drove to my parents' house to tell them I was clean, and I promised them I will do better with my health.

I called him tonight, Caleb. I thought he would not answer, but he did. "Sky?" I haven't heard his voice for almost two years now. I realize how much I miss it. "Hi, Caleb" I want him to know what happened to me recently if he still cares. There is silence between us; I don't know what to say now. I wish he says something, although I was the one who called. "Uh, so I wanted to check up on you. How are you doing?" I took a deep breath not prepared for what is he going to say. "I'm okay; everything is fine." He answered, and that's exactly what I did not want to hear. "Don't give me bullshit, Cal. Seriously what's going on?"

I can hear it in his voice that something is bothering him, maybe it's me, but also there's another reason. Then he spoke, and I knew he was crying. "Well, life here is hard. I'm not adapting very well; the college work is hard. And I missed my home, my parents. God damn it and I miss the hell out of you." I held my breath, as a feel of sorrow hugged my chest. "You did not have to cut me out if you missed me, you could talk to me, and I will help you go through it, you know I will." He was not ready to talk, so I continued. "I have to tell you something. I did a test for lung cancer two weeks ago, and yesterday my results came out." I heard a gasp on the other line. "What! How that happened, what the results said?" Caleb sounded worried, and that made me a little happy. He still cares, and I was an idiot for allowing him to cut me off. "Thankfully I'm negative, but if I kept smoking, I might have it." I felt ashamed for admitting this to him, but I have, to tell the truth. "You have been smoking, why?" Because of you idiot, I asked him if he can come and visit this weekend because we have a lot of things to discuss, and phone calls weren't enough. Besides, I need to see him again.

Caleb kept his promise and came back this weekend; I went to the airport to pick him up. His flight was an hour late, but it eventually arrived. Travelers were moving around, but my attention was at the end, on a tall boy who had a golden head and dark eyes like a crow's feathers. Caleb saw me and rushed towards me, his arms wide open. I hugged him very hard, I almost choked him, but I did not care. He hugged me back as tight and in that moment I felt complete and whole again. It's like my soul came back to me, and Caleb had it. He owned me. "I miss you a lot." I said into his ears while I am still hugging him. He pulled away but his arms still around my shoulders; he looked me from top to bottom and said: "You have lost weight, and you look sick. What have you been doing?" Caleb was mad at me, also worried. He was looking me in the eye daring me to try and lie. "Let me take you home first; we are discussing this later."

I was trying to avoid this conversation for now, but he is not taking it. "No, we are going to your place." I drove him to my apartment anyway; I asked him to come, and I will do as he says. After all, I was his slave. "I felt very lonely when you were gone, and cigarettes helped to distract me and to ease my pain. I did not care then, but now I do. I see how wrong I was." I said after I had given him some food, he had a long flight. We had a long talk afterward, there were some yelling, then some tears and hugging. We catch up what we missed; I heard him laughing again. I can listen to a heartbreaking lullaby again. Caleb slept on my lab, and I was playing with his hair. It was the first time for us to be in this position; I started to sing for him while he slept and he buried his head in my stomach. I cried very silently this night.

We were sitting on a tree brick, watching the moonless sky and the distance stars. It's like Caleb. Anything far away reminds me of him, the sun, the moon, and the stars. He is a galaxy full of wonders, and I am a little sky, almost invisible. "Is it because of me?" I want to blame him for the person I have become, but I can't do this to him. It's not his fault I'm very attached to him. He is a different galaxy, dazzling and mysterious. I leaned towards him; I touched his chin and turned his face towards mine. I stared at his beauty up close, and my heart screamed. I gave his lips a kiss full of emotions and love; I observed his taste and pulled away. It was a delicate kiss. "What's that for?" Caleb asked with wonder in his voice. He was confused by my action. "It’s a gratitude gift. I'm sorry if it's too much." Action speaks louder than words, and thank you is not enough to him. I thought he would snap at me. Instead, he smiled and turned his head back to the sky. "It was a beautiful kiss," Caleb said.

It's the last day for him before going back to Ohio. "You don't have to stay here, Sky. Come with me." This question is the most important one I have been asked yet. How can I refuse his offer, my life here without him is already a mess. I felt nothing without him, although I did not have anything holding me back. I was the happiest man on earth again. I had the widest smile on my face right now, and he knew my answer.

I am on a plane now sitting next to the person who took my sanity from me. I am going to start a new life, having another journey. I fell more if possible in love with him. I smiled and interlocked our fingers together. He is accepting me touching him more and more; Caleb did not mind at all. I have finally gone to the heaven I saw in him before.  

 


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