My Regrets

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A very young girl writes in her mental diary about her mother and how she will not awake.

Submitted: July 22, 2016

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Submitted: July 22, 2016

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 My mommy went to sleep a few days ago. She hasn’t woken up since. One night I crawled into bed with her because I was scared. Her bed wasn’t warm like the other times I crawled in. It was cold. I tried hugging my mommy to warm her and she felt hard. I hope mommy will wake up soon. I’m lonely.

 I am not very good with time. But I am pretty sure it has been two weeks since mommy went to sleep. I’m very hungry and really lonely. I also want to go outside but mommy always hides the key. I would look for it but I don’t want to get into trouble. So I just sit with mommy. It’s hard to do nothing for so long but I don’t want mommy to feel lonely while she’s sleeping.

 I found a yellow bottle by mommy’s bed. I’ve seen it with her before. It’s usually full though. I guess she forgot to get it filled before she went to sleep. I will remind her to when she wakes up.

 I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately. I’m really scared. If mommy was awake then she would tell me everything’s okay and then she would hug me. I miss her hugs. I want to hear her voice again. Now I can’t even hear her pleasant breathes when she sleeps. Maybe she’s sick.

 I’ve gone against the rules and ate things without permission. I was getting so hungry. I decided mommy might be hungry too so I made her a bowl of cereal in hopes the promise of food would get her up. She wouldn’t respond like usual so I just set it beside her bed. I hope she appreciates it.

 It’s been a long while now...Mommy is starting to stink really badly now. I think she needs a shower. If it becomes too long then I might do it myself. Just for her sake.

 Everything was shut off today. Most of the food is going to go bad! I don’t understand why. Maybe the house is angry at me for not waking up mommy?

 I don’t want to be here any more...I’m really lonely, and I can barely think over the pain in my stomach. I am hearing bad noises and mommy stench is unbearable. The water doesn’t even work so I can’t give her a bath.

 I hurt….really bad. I can barely even sit up anymore either. I hear a banging on the door. Have the monsters come to get me? Are they really mad? Is mommy mad? Everything is dulling...my sight is darkening. Why isn’t mommy waking up?

 I woke up in a really scary place today. It was dark and cold. I could see my mommy standing in the distance but she didn’t seem like herself. I tried going to her but she always got farther away. I heard voices yelling at me. Some familiar and some not. All yelling at me though because I wasn’t able to help mommy. I can’t take the voices anymore. I want them to stop. I want my mommy to come back. I want to feel happy again.




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 Happiness….What is happiness? Why won’t it come back? It’s been years...But nothing has changed. I hear the voices, I see her in the distance always just so far away. I’ll run till I collapse and pass out. I wake up and this repeats. This isn’t how this should go. I should be waking up to my mom shaking me. To her making breakfast and taking me to my first day of school...My first day should’ve been a long time ago…

 Why do I even write in this anymore? How am I? This is the only other thing though...and I am tired of running to my mom. I know I made her mad...and I know I couldn’t help her….but why hasn’t she forgiven me?

 When I was born...My dad had left my mother...He said he didn’t ever want to commit to a child...So my mom was stuck with me...Not long after...Her brother died...He died because he hung himself...In my mothers bedroom...My mom had heard strange noises but thought nothing of it and went to bed...That was when he did it...She woke up in the morning to see it…

 My mom had to go to a doctor often. She said he helps make sure she is happy. When I ask her why she would need it she merely told me that life made it that way...I would ask if she was happy...and she would go quiet...I know it was never easy for her. She worked two jobs and still couldn’t get by. She was barely home and when she was...she would cry. I would hear her saying about how much debt she was in...I would sometimes even hear her wish I wasn’t in her life...I wanted to help but I didn’t know how…

 I can’t stop crying. I want to, but I can’t. I finally understand. My mother was never just sleeping...and it was my fault. I was a burden in her life...she was never happy. When I heard about her happy pills I thought I could finally help her...So when she was sleeping I forced the whole bottle of happy pills down her throat...I thought she finally would be happy...and life could be like the other kid’s...After that I dropped the bottle and went to bed. Sure that she would get better...But after awhile...I thought that it was a dream...I was too scared to ever believe that it was my fault…

I’ve accepted what I have done...I killed mommy...even though I loved her so much...the dark is finally lifting...mommy has gone away and so have the voices...I’m back home now...But...nothing is the same. I see a whole new family...they’re happy...I hate it...I will make sure they know how life really is. For mommy...I’m sorry.  

 


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