The Donahues Episode 249

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan, Fiona and Nelson head to the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio where Ethan is offered a job opportunity and Catherine tries to get Ryan to become a minimalist.

Submitted: July 24, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 24, 2016









“First they came for the socialists- and I did not speak out. Because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out. Because I am not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews- and I did not speak out. Because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me. And there was no one left to speak for me”

  • Martin Niemoller


(We start in the year 2066 with an elderly Ryan Donahue sitting in a recliner in a living room. There is a Holographic TV in the room. An anchor by the name of Squirtle Stovall is reporting on the death of Henry Kissinger. The headline says “HENRY KISSINGER, 1923-2066”. There are several children sitting in front of Ryan)


SQUIRTLE STOVALL: Good evening, and welcome to the Hansbay Channel Five evenings news. My name is Squirtle Stovall, and our top story tonight is the death of former Secretary of State and top advisor to President Nixon, Henry Kissinger. Kissinger died after being hit by a truck outside his Washington D.C. home. Kissinger was 143. President Charlotte Clinton hailed Kissinger as “a great diplomat and public servant, who brought China closer to the U.S., and did some other things too”.


(Ryan blinks at the TV, and it turns off)


CHILD: Grandpa, who was Henry Kissinger?


RYAN: Grandpa doesn’t want to talk about that, Mudkip.


MUDKIP: You never want to talk about the past!


CHILD 2: Yeah, we’re going over the chapter about Princess Diana’s death in history class right now. I wanna know if you remember any of this stuff.


RYAN: They have a whole chapter for Princess Diana’s-never mind, listen, kids. I grew up in a very dark time. You don’t want to hear about it.


MUDKIP: Yeah, we do! Right, Charmander?




(They all start clamoring)


RYAN: Okay! Okay! ALRIGHT! SHUT UP! (They all go silent) I’ll tell a story. Just go tell your grandma to get me a cough syrup.


CHARMANDER: Okay, grandpa. (Charmander walks out, and then comes back in with a cup of cough syrup) She already had it ready for you!


RYAN: That’s why I love her. Give it here. (Charmander gives Ryan the cup) So, I’ll tell you about one of the craziest years in World History. It happened when I was 21. The year was 2016. (We cut to a Trump rally) A reality TV star with let’s be honest, fake hair, was the Republican nominee for President. (Cut to footage from the failed coup in Turkey) A coup was held in Turkey to overthrow Erdogan but it totally failed and he just grew stronger. (Cut to UK’s new Prime Minister, Theresa May, speaking outside of 10 Downing street) Britain’s exit from the European Union forced a fancy boy out of the Prime Minister’s office and replaced him with an aging Mary Poppins. (Cut to 21-year old Ryan watching live coverage of Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton on his laptop. He is drying his eyes with Kleenex) And after pushing her to the left on the issues of education, healthcare and campaign finance, a socialist Jew from Brooklyn threw his support behind a corporatist woman from…wherever you want her to be from.


SENATOR SANDERS: I have come here to make it as clear as possible, as to why I’m endorsing Hillary Clinton-


(Hillary, standing behind Bernie, smiles as the crowd goes wild for a bit)


RYAN: I bet he’s just doing this for a cabinet position! And I mean that literally. I think Hillary wants to encase Bernie in bronze and put him in her trophy cabinet.


SENATOR SANDERS: And why she MUST become our next President.


OLD RYAN: (Voice over) I remember; Catherine was getting really zealous about her minimalism at the time.


(Catherine closes Ryan’s laptop)


RYAN: What the hell?


CATHERINE: When I said this was a minimalist household, I meant it!

(Catherine picks up the laptop and puts it on the kitchen counter. Ryan stands up)


RYAN: Then what about the TV?! That seems unnecessary, doesn’t it?


CATHERINE: We don’t get TV on that thing, it can only play DVDs. And all we have is Airplane, an employee orientation video I stole from Main Event out of spite after I got fired and every film Miyazaki has ever made.


RYAN: That just doesn’t sound like minimalism to me. Plus, you’re not even right. We have this- (Ryan holds up a disc) sex tape we made. Remember? Old Lady and The Scamp? We have sex on spaghetti?


CATHERINE: Fine, Ryan, do you want me to get rid of all the technology in this household!?


RYAN: No! I’m saying you should be reasonable about it! And I think this TV, those movies, this sex tape especially, and MY laptop are reasonable exceptions to the minimalism rule.


(Catherine shakes her head)


CATHERINE: You were just watching CNN’s live stream. If there’s anything less hippie and minimalist, I can’t even imagine it.


RYAN: I’m sorry, I’m not a hippie. I spent my freshman year of High School staring at my phone. I didn’t look up from it once.


CATHERINE: Well then YOU especially need the lifestyle. That’s it, you’ve forced me to go nuclear.


(Catherine walks over to the TV. Ryan turns around)


RYAN: What are you doing?


CATHERINE: We’re downshifting.


(Catherine loosens the TV off the wall)


RYAN: What!?


CATHERINE: I’m going full minimalist.


(Catherine puts the TV on the ground)


RYAN: Come on, let’s be reasonable- (Catherine takes out her pocket knife and cuts the chords that were being funneled into the back of the TV) OH MY GOD, YOU WITCH!


(Catherine stands up)


CATHERINE: Are you gonna surrender your laptop?


RYAN: I don’t wanna get rid of it! There’s important shit on there! Like my poetry! Well, most of it’s not mine.


CATHERINE: You don’t have to get rid of it. Just don’t use it in this house. Please. (Catherine puts Ryan’s laptop in a closet and closes the door. Catherine goes over to Ryan and puts her hands on his shoulders) Trust me. We’ll be a lot happier if we just disconnect. We can live like they did back in the old days.


(Catherine kisses Ryan on the cheek. Ryan smirks)


RYAN: I guess it’s for the best, in the long run. Looking at a screen that much gives me a headache.


CATHERINE: Do you want some leeches for it?


(Ryan chuckles, but then Catherine holds up a bag of leeches)


RYAN: Oh shit, you’re serious.


OLD RYAN: (Voice over) My hippie girlfriend wasn’t the only problem. (Cut to Kimberly in her office, on her computer, reading something) My mom was freaking out because your great uncle Jacob was soon deploying to Afghanistan. Also, there were other things to freak out about…


(Luke walks in with his smart phone in hand)


LUKE: Did you hear? Trump’s picking Mike Pence for VP!

KIMBERLY: Really?! Man, I could’ve sworn it was going to be Gingrich.


LUKE: He probably figured a ticket that detestable would awaken some ancient evil and bring a voodoo curse onto the both of them.


KIMBERLY: I think Bill Clinton did that when he encouraged Trump to run to begin with.


LUKE: True. I just think Trump’s gonna regret Mike Pence. He’s an establishment Republican. If Trump gets elected, “President Mike Pence” is gonna sound pretty good to them. And then the impeachment option opens.


KIMBERLY: It sounds like Game Of Thrones.


LUKE: Trump is about as mature as Geoffrey, after all.


KIMBERLY: And now Chris Christie will be exiled to protect the wall.


(Luke chuckles)


LUKE: I love our late night HBO GO sessions.


KIMBERLY: It doesn’t seem like anyone cares about Mike Pence anyway, because this attack in France is insane.


LUKE: Which one? Charli Hebdo? The Bataclan? Those were like, months ago.


KIMBERLY: No, there’s a new one.


LUKE: Oh, okay, that makes sense.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, there’s-


LUKE: Hmm. I don’t wanna hear about it.


KIMBERLY: Understandable. (Kimberly stands up) I still can’t believe my baby’s going to Afghanistan.


LUKE: Hmm. How many people died in France?




LUKE: Sorry, I know. (Luke walks over and puts his hand on Kimberly’s shoulder) He’ll be alright over there. He’ll just be patrolling. The war has kind of cooled down. I mean, I assume. I haven’t heard much about it.


KIMBERLY: You’re not good at this.


LUKE: I know.


OLD RYAN: (Voice over) Another thing Kimberly was shocked by was your great grandpa’s marriage to Fiona Cadbury.


(Cut to Ethan, Nelson and Fiona sitting on an American Airlines flight)


PILOT: (On intercom) Good evening, ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We want to thank you for choosing American Airlines, we have now departed from Philadelphia and should be arriving in Cleveland at around 5pm local time. In about ten minutes, the seatbelt life will turn off and all you people headed to the Republican National Convention will be able to go to the bathroom and indulge your deeply repressed homosexual urges.


(Ethan chuckles)


ETHAN: Just a few months ago, I would’ve been so offended by that.


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson carrying bags into a Cleveland hotel room)


NELSON: So, we’re driving to Quicken Loans arena at 8am tomorrow. Okay?


ETHAN: Got it, Nelson.


NELSON: Are you feeling better, Ethan?


(Ethan puts bags down)


ETHAN: What do you mean?


NELSON: You seem less and less liberal every day.


ETHAN: Yeah, It’s wearing off. I’ll fit in, don’t worry.


(Ethan turns around, to reveal he has a small pony tail. Nelson makes a scissor motion with his hand, and Fiona nods and takes scissors and cuts off Ethan’s ponytail. Nelson gives her a thumbs-up and leaves. Cut to Ryan putting up clothes on clotheslines in the backyard of Catherine’s farm. Ryan takes out his phone and starts looking at it. Catherine comes outside with a bucket of fresh apples)


CATHERINE: Ryan, did you get a call?!


(Ryan turns around and sighs)


RYAN: No. There’s a Snorlax near here.


CATHERINE: You have the Pokemon Go app?


RYAN: Yeah. I really want that Snorlax.


CATHERINE: Come on, we agreed to rules here, ignore the Snorlax.


(Ryan points his phone at Catherine)


RYAN: The Snorlax is right behind you.


(Catherine looks behind her, and then turns back to Ryan)


CATHERINE: Jesus, why did I look? Put it away!


(Ryan puts up his phone)


RYAN: Sorry.


(Catherine walks over)


CATHERINE: Don’t be sorry. I want you to do this because YOU want to.


RYAN: I’m just trying to get used to it.


CATHERINE: Look at the sky right now.


RYAN: Where?


CATHERINE: Are you fu-up!


(Ryan looks up)


RYAN: Oh, that’s kinda neat.


CATHERINE: You must’ve looked at the sky before!

RYAN: That cloud looks like a Pokeball.


CATHERINE: Jesus, man, snap out of it! There’s not even any clouds out right now!

(Ryan looks back at Catherine)


RYAN: Fuck, you’re right, I’m losing it without technology. I need to quit cold turkey.


(Ryan hands Catherine his phone)


CATHERINE: There we go, that’s what I like to see.


(Ryan’s phone gets a notification alert)


RYAN: Hmmm- could I check that real quick?




RYAN: Oh God, this is so hard…I can’t even masturbate without an internet connection.


CATHERINE: You never just imagine shit?


RYAN: That reminds me! (Ryan takes out his “Fleshy Pony Heaven” e-juice flavor and his e-cigarette. He starts juicing it) Fleshy Pony Heaven to the rescue.


(Ryan walks away)


CATHERINE: I swear, Ryan.


OLD RYAN: (Voce over) Meanwhile, on the convention floor, my father and stepmom felt uncomfortable.


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson standing on the convention floor, wearing patriotic hats and holding “Make America Safe Again” signs)


ETHAN: I feel dirty holding this.


(Senator Mike Lee walks over to Ethan)


SENATOR LEE: Ethan Donahue, right?


ETHAN: Yes. (Ethan extends his hand) Nice to meet you, Senator.


(Senator Lee shakes Ethan’s hand)


SENATOR LEE: Listen, Governor Romney tells me that you were enlisted by the RNC to get the Vermont delegation behind stopping Trump.


ETHAN: Yes, he did. You’re in contact with Romney? Where is he, by the way? And where is Governor Kasich? And Senator Rubio?


SENATOR LEE: Yeah, they’re not here and they’re not gonna come.


NELSON: I actually heard there’s a rumor Romney is in Cleveland-


SENATOR LEE: Yeah, he’s hovering over the Quicken Loans Arena in a helicopter attached to a parachute, but that doesn’t matter unless we get your help, Ethan.




SENATOR LEE: Get the Vermont delegation behind a motion to call for a roll call vote on the rules package. Then maybe we can unbind the delegates or at least launch Ted Cruz’s 2020 campaign.


ETHAN: Alright, man, I’m on it.


SENATOR LEE: Good man.


(Ethan shakes Senator Lee’s hand and Senator Lee walks away)


NELSON: I thought you were a Democrat now?


ETHAN: Shhh! Shut up! This is my last chance to save the party I truly belong to.


(Ethan walks away)


FIONA: …I swear, just a few weeks ago that motherfucker was eating placenta because it’s “real organic medicine”.


NELSON: Where the hell did he get a placenta?


(Senator Santorum walks over to them)




OLD RYAN: (Voice over) So, my father was forced to speak to the Vermont delegation. But trying to convince Trump supporters not to vote for Trump is like trying to convince a toddler not to eat paint chips. They’re too goddamn curious about all the wrong things.


(Cut to Ethan talking to the Vermont delegation)


ETHAN: Listen, you guys, I totally understand that you like Trump. But this is about democracy, we need a roll call vote to register the disapproval for the rules that the RNC have adopted.


DELEGATE: Why the hell should I trust you, asshole?! You strapped us down and made us vomit every time we saw or heard Trump!


ETHAN: Yeah, I was trying to-


DELEGATE 2: You realize that ALL the media ever talks about is Trump?! We were sick for weeks!

ETHAN: Listen, I’m sorry, but I just wanted you to know-wait, how did you stop getting sick just by looking at him?


DELEGATE: Same way Melania does. I close my eyes and picture someone else.




(Cut to the Chairman of the convention speaking at the podium on stage)


CHAIRMAN: The question is on adoption of the resolution, all those in favor say AYE! (Many scream “aye”) All those opposed NO! (Many, including Ethan, scream “no”) In the opinion of the chair, the AYES have it and the resolution is agreed to!


(The Never Trump people freak out and call foul)




(Fiona walks over to Ethan)


FIONA: Come on, Ethan, let’s go somewhere that’s less loud.


ETHAN: Are you hungover again?


FIONA: Uh-huh.


(Ethan sighs and shakes his head)


ETHAN: I hate what this party has become.


(Ethan walks off the convention floor with Fiona. Cut to an open area where many convention-goers are walking around)


FIONA: What are we even doing here if you don’t support the Trump-Pence ticket?


ETHAN: I have no idea. I mean, there is Doctor Ben Carson’s miracle massager.


(Dr. Carson walks over with a pamphlet)


DOCTOR CARSON: It’s approved by nine out of ten black Republican brain surgeons. (Whispering) Don’t tell anybody, but selling this is the only reason I ran for President.


ETHAN: Yeah, we know. I’ll take one. (Ethan hands Doctor Carson one hundred dollars, and he collects it) My address is 1182 Porter Lane, apartment 7B, Hansbay, Vermont.


(Doctor Carson writes that down)


DOCTOR CARSON: You got it.


(Doctor Carson winks and walks away)


FIONA: So why are we still here?


ETHAN: Because I’m trying to save my party.


FIONA: But that opportunity just died.


(Paul Manafort walks over to them)


PAUL MANAFORT: What’d you guys saying about dying?


ETHAN: Pardon?


PAUL: Did someone you know die?


ETHAN: Uh, sure, some people I know have died-


PAUL: Were they killed by illegals?




PAUL: Can we at least say it’s Hillary Clinton’s fault?


ETHAN: Jesus, no!

PAUL: I’m just trying to tell the TRUTH here!


(A redneck walks over to them wearing a cheap suit)


REDNECK: My uncle drank rubbin’ alcohol and croaked. I don’t know why Hillary did this to me.


PAUL: Alright, Steve, just go to your dressing room.


(The redneck walks away)


ETHAN: Paul, Hillary Clinton is a really weak candidate. You don’t have to lie in order for Trump to win.


PAUL: Why not? You’re lying to get elected city councilman.


ETHAN: How do you know about my-


PAUL: I know about all the races. I do research on everyone to see if I can blackmail them later.


ETHAN: That’s good to hear.


PAUL: You know, Trump’s noticed you.


ETHAN: What?


PAUL: Yeah, he likes how unprincipled you are. He sees a place for you in a Trump administration. (Paul hands Ethan a blank business card) Put that under UV light to get my number and e-mail. That’s a little trick Putin taught me.


(Paul walks away)


ETHAN: What just happened?


FIONA: You were just offered a job in a Trump administration.


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson on the convention floor, speaking)


ETHAN: …It would be interesting to work for the federal government.


FIONA: You’re not seriously considering this, are you?!


ETHAN: I don’t know! I mean, I can’t stand Donald Trump, but it’s not like he’s gonna make me Secretary of Defense or something! I won’t have to electrocute any testicles or bomb Morocco!


FIONA: But still, you’re answering to Donald Trump.


NELSON: Come on, Fiona, it’s a prudent career move. If he works for Trump now, he raises his profile and soon enough, the Presidency is within reach.


FIONA: You want the Presidency?


ETHAN: Someday? Of course! No politician doesn’t.


(Fiona hangs on Ethan’s arm)


FIONA: Then I would be First Lady.


ETHAN: That’s right.


NELSON: You or whoever polls better.


(Fiona grimaces at Nelson. Cut to the RNC stage. Donald Trump walks out on stage, being silhouetted by the lights, as “We Are The Champions” by Queen plays as the crowd goes wild)


ETHAN: Oh, sure, this convention’s already a reality show/soap opera anyway, let’s just have American Idol lighting.


NELSON: I loved it when Antonio Sabato Junior said in his speech “these are the days of our lives where we need a guiding light, and all my children agree”.


(Trump begins applauding onstage, and then walks up to the podium to speak as the crowd continues to go wild)


DONALD TRUMP: Thank you everybody, thank you, we love you, thank you very much. Oh, we’re gonna win, we’re gonna win so big, thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. (More cheering) Thank you very much. (More cheering) Thank you, very much. (More cheering) We’re gonna win so big, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, we’re gonna so big, thank you.


ETHAN: Hey, are we gonna win big?


NELSON: It’s unclear.


DONALD TRUMP: Ladies and gentlemen. It is my great honor, to present, the next First Lady, of the United States, my wife, an amazing mother, an incredible woman, Melania Trump. Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you.


(The crowd goes wild as Melana Trump takes the stage and walks towards Donald)








(Cut to Melania on stage)


MELANIA: (Slovenian accent) Thank you.


ETHAN: Come to think of it, if Trump becomes President, we might go through a few First Ladies.


OLD RYAN: My father was joking then, but not when an opportunity fell in his lap that challenged his moral compass. He had to make the hard decision, on whether to get rid of it entirely.


(Cut to Ethan sitting at the bar of his hotel in Cleveland. He is enjoying a Whiskey Sour, with Fiona sitting right next to him, drunk, with her head on his shoulder)


FIONA: Ethan, do you still find me pretty?


ETHAN: Yes, of course, Fiona.


FIONA: It’s just, it’s just the way you looked at Melania made me really jealous.


ETHAN: Fiona, she was giving a speech.


FIONA: I’ll scratch that bitch’s eyes out.


ETHAN: Fiona, you should probably go to bed.


FIONA: You’re right, I feel like some sleepy-sleep is in order.


(Fiona laughs and then drunkenly falls onto a nearby lounge couch and falls asleep, as Ethan shakes his head and sips his drink. The bartender then comes over)


BARTENDER: Is she with you?


ETHAN: Yeah, put her drink on my tab, and go ahead and put a few in water bottles for the morning-HOLY shit, Paul Manafort.


(Pan up to reveal the bartender is Paul Manafort wearing a fake mustache)


PAUL: Shhhh! Nobody knows I’m here.


ETHAN: Where’s the real bartender?


PAUL: That’s not pertinent to the real shit we have to discuss.


(A glass slides over to Ethan. Ethan looks down the bar to see Evan sitting several stools away from him)


MAYOR ALEXANDER: Drink up, old friend.


ETHAN: Evan? Are you here for the RNC?


(Evan walks over and sits next to Ethan)


EVAN: I’m here for both our political futures.


PAUL: I wasn’t just fucking around when I gave you that card. Mr. Trump is very interested in you two for positions at the Commerce Department.


ETHAN: I don’t believe you.


PAUL: No, of course he isn’t, I made flash cards about the government agencies for him last night. But I’m interested in you guys for the Commerce Department. And that means, eventually, Trump will be.


ETHAN: Trump listens to you now?


PAUL: Yes, now that Corey is finally gone. I’m glad Trump’s kids convinced him to do that.


ETHAN: I feel uncomfortable that Trump’s kids have so much influence on him. Will they be running the country behind the scenes? Are his kids like Cheney?


PAUL: Would you rather have his kids run the country or him run the country?


EVAN: His kids.


ETHAN: Yeah, I agree. But preferably neither.


PAUL: You either hop on the Trump Train, or get run over by it. That’s how things work.


EVAN: There’s no brakes on the Trump Train.


ETHAN: You know what that phrase is usually applied to, right?


EVAN: Hmm?


ETHAN: I’m running for city council, it would look pretty bad if I won, only to resign and join the Trump administration. I mean, I was for Jill Stein just a few weeks ago.


PAUL: Fine. Join us if you lose, and Trump wins. And then if Hillary wins, and you win, you’ll have your cute job where you get to decide how long the park is open.


(Evan puts an Hourglass on the bar)


EVAN: The clock is ticking.


(Paul holds up a pocket watch and starts swinging it)


PAUL: You’re getting very sleepy-


ETHAN: I’ll think about it, you guys. Maybe you can start convincing me- stop that. (Paul puts away his pocket watch) Maybe you can start to convince me by helping me carry my passed out wife back to our hotel room.


EVAN: You can’t lift her on your own? She looks like she weighs a hundred pounds soaking wet. And she is currently soaking wet.


(Pan over to her passed out on the bar with a Miller Lite Tap in her hand. She is soaked in beer)


ETHAN: Damnit, she got into the taps.


OLD RYAN: (Voice over) The next day, your great grandpa ran into 220 pounds of fate.


(Cut to Ethan walking through the news media area of the RNC. He accidentally runs into Cenk Uygur, from The Young Turks)


ETHAN: Oh, sorry.


CENK: It’s alright.


(Ethan looks at Cenk)


ETHAN: You look familiar. I feel like I’ve seen you on my son’s laptop before. Are you Cowboy Bebop?


(Cenk laughs)


CENK: No, I’m Cenk Uygur from The Young Turks. I’m here with some other TYT people to cover the convention.


ETHAN: Right, you’re a progressive kind of dude, right?


CENK: Yeah.


ETHAN: I’m new to the whole progressive thing, I wasn’t a progressive until this election, I’d love to know more about it.


CENK: Oh, so you’re not a Republican?


ETHAN: I was, until Donald Trump.


CENK: Why don’t you come on the show? We’re coming back from a break.


ETHAN: Uh, sure! Sounds good.


(Ethan follows Cenk. Cut to Cenk Uygur, Ben Mankiewicz, Ana Kasparian and John Iadarola on the RNC’s YouTube set. They are sitting on couches facing a camera with a monitor in the background that reads “The Young Turks”. Ethan sits down)


CENK: Alright, are we ready? Okay. Back on The Young Turks. I’m Cenk Uygur, we have John Iadarola, Ben Mankiewicz, Ana Kasparian and a special guest- new progressive, Ethan Donahue.


JOHN: Oooh, a new progressive.


ETHAN: I tried to buy weed the other night to test it out. I just got robbed.


ANA: You have some misconceptions we need to clear up.


BEN: So, did you become a progressive because of Trump?


ETHAN: Yeah. I’m supporting Hillary now.


BEN: Hm.


CENK: But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a progressive.


ETHAN: Sure it does. Hillary’s super lefty.


JOHN: That’s what Republicans think, but-


CENK: She’s much more conservative thank you think, but let’s not focus on her. Let’s focus on you. What’s your opinion on, let’s say, Wall Street? What should we do with them?


ETHAN: I think Wall Street gets demonized too often, they’re just men and women trying to make money the American way.


BEN: Hold on, though. They make money by cheating the system, they gamble with our money and rig the rules in their favor.


ETHAN: They have the capital to do that, how did they get that? Being born into money. How did they get that money? Stealing it? My dad never once stole.


CENK: Sure, but-


ETHAN: Are you saying my dad’s a thief?


CENK: No, I’m-


ETHAN: My dad’s not a thief! All lives matter!

CENK: You don’t SOUND that progressive!


ANA: Yeah, you just sound like a disaffected Republican who can’t stand Trump.


ETHAN: Right. So now I’m a Democrat, that means I’m a progressive or liberal or whatever.


CENK: That’s not what that means. Democrats are progressive to moderate to conservative.


ETHAN: But come on, I’m supporting Hillary. She’s extremely liberal!


CENK: No, she isn’t. She doesn’t support re-instating Glass-Stegall or breaking up the big banks, she supports a No-Fly zone over Syria and the expansion of the wars, she supports free trade deals-


JOHN: And I’ve seen her everywhere, here at the RNC. People seem to love her here.


CENK: Lock her up!


CENK, ANA AND JOHN: Lock her up! Lock her up!


ETHAN: So wait. (They all shut up) You’re telling me I can be a conservative AND a Democrat?


CENK: Absolutely. That’s like 30% of the party.


ETHAN: Wow. You know what. You four communists have really opened my eyes.


JOHN: Oh, boy.


ETHAN: I’ll see you guys in Philly.


(Ethan takes his microphone off and throws it to Cenk, who catches it)




(Ethan leaves)


BEN: That’s too bad, that guy was fun.

OLD RYAN: (Voice over) Ethan frantically traveled to the convention floor to watch Ted Cruz attempt to emulate human communication. And things got frantic.


(Cut to Ethan and Fiona on the floor of the convention. Ted Cruz is on stage as numerous delegates are chanting “Endorse Trump”)


ETHAN: Oh, God.


FIONA: It’s getting heated in here.


ETHAN: I hope Ted Cruz’s waxy face doesn’t melt. He’s gonna endorse him, right?


(The audience is continually restless)


SENATOR CRUZ: The case we have to make. To the American people-the case…each person in this room has to make to the American people is to commit to each of them we will defend freedom, and be faithful to the constitution.


(The audience largely applauds, but there are audible boos)


ETHAN: Dude, just endorse him!


(Fiona looks behind her)


FIONA: Look, Trump is in the rafters!

(Ethan looks behind him and up to see Trump clapping for Ted Cruz)


ETHAN: Holy shit. That is the most Mafioso thing I have ever seen.


SENATOR CRUZ: We will unite the party, we will unite the country by STANDING together for shared values, by standing, for Liberty. God Bless each and every one of you, and God Bless The United States of America!


(The majority of the crowd erupts into boos as Senator Cruz walks off stage)


ETHAN: I don’t even like Donald Trump, and I feel like booing Ted Cruz right now.


FIONA: Let’s do it.




(Cut to Ethan sitting on a couch in one of the hallways outside the main arena. Fiona has her head resting on his lap)


ETHAN: Ted’s speech was so damn good, I bet Donald invites him to go fishing with him. As a…reward.


FIONA: He’s such a craven little rat.


(Senator Cruz walks by with his security, and Ethan and Fiona stand up)


ETHAN: Hello, Senator.


(Senator Cruz turns to Ethan and points at him)


SENATOR CRUZ: I was counting on you. And you let me down. I just got turned away from Sheldon Adelson’s bat cave, where the hell am I supposed to go now?


ETHAN: I hate to break it to you, Senator. But you’re like a kid who gets bullied, but all the teachers ignore it because they think you’re truly just an asshole.


(Senator Cruz shakes his head)


SENATOR CRUZ: When I take office as President on January 20, 2021, you won’t be anywhere near my administration.


ETHAN: I will be once I run against you in 2024.


(Senator Cruz scoffs and walks away with his security. Fiona starts kissing on Ethan’s neck)


FIONA: Oh, I so want to fuck you right now, Ethan.


ETHAN: Fiona, let’s go make a baby.


OLD RYAN: (Voice over) I don’t know what happened at this point, he never told me.


(Ethan and Fiona exit the Quicken Loans Arena. Cut to Ethan and Fiona having sex in their hotel room. Ethan climaxes, as does Fiona, and then they rest on the bed, breathing heavily)


FIONA: Fuck.


ETHAN: Where’d you get those moves? Did you plagiarize them from Michelle Obama?


(Fiona giggles and rolls over to Ethan)


FIONA: Are my cheek bones as stunningly sculpted as Melania Trump? I feel like they could be more stunning. Can I get cheek implants?


ETHAN: Is that what all these Republican women have? I swear I saw Marsha Blackburn knock out a Code Pink protester with one of those things.


FIONA: I met one of Trump’s friends, he’s this guy from Queens who sells exteriors, but he also sells interiors, for your cheeks.


ETHAN: Hold on a second. (Ethan takes his phone off the bedside table and calls Evan) Hey. Evan. Tell Paul I’m in.


OLD RYAN: (Voice over) And thus, he was in. But was it come Hell or high water?


(Ethan hangs up and starts making out with Fiona. Cut to Ethan and Fiona on the floor of the convention while Ivanka Trump speaks)


IVANKA: I could not be more proud tonight, to present to you, and to all of America, my father, and our next President, Donald J. Trump!

(Donald Trump walks onstage as triumphant music plays and kisses his daughter. Trump starts clapping, and then walks up to the podium)


ETHAN: (To Fiona) This music is positively North Korean.


DONALD TRUMP: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (Pause) Thank you. Thank you very much. Friends, delegates and fellow Americans. I humbly and gratefully accept your nomination, for the Presidency, of the United States.


(Cut to Ethan and Fiona, who both look very shocked and concerned)


ETHAN: …It just hit me that this is real.


(Cut to Ryan watching the speech on a live stream on his laptop, in his bedroom. Catherine comes in)


CATHERINE: Come on, Ryan, what’d we agree to about the laptop-


RYAN: Just hold on a second, listen to this shit.


DONALD TRUMP: We will be a country of generosity, and warmth. But we will also be a country, of LAW and ORDER!


(The crowd goes wild)


CATHERINE: Jesus Christ.


RYAN: I swear Catherine, fascism is rearing its ugly head in this country. The Dear Leader will have curfews by this time next year.


CATHERINE: That just underlines the importance of going off the grid, Ryan. (Catherine closes his laptop) Disconnect. And let’s ride out the apocalypse.


(Ryan looks at Catherine, and then the two start making out. They fall onto their bed. Cut to Madeline and Peter watching the speech in their apartment)


DONALD TRUMP: Nearly 180,000 illegal immigrants, with criminal records, ordered deported from our country, are tonight roaming free to threaten peaceful citizens!


(The crowd boos)


MADELINE: Peter, hold me.


(Peter holds Madeline tight)


PETER: Shhh, don’t worry, baby, he’ll lose. The lizard people will again prevail.


MADELINE: Thank God.


(Cut to Kimberly and Luke watching the speech on their TV at home)


DONALD TRUMP: Lastly, and very importantly, we must immediately suspend immigration, from ANY nation, that has been compromised by terrorism until such time that proven vetting mechanisms have been put in place! We DON’T WANT THEM IN OUR COUNTRY!!


(The crowd goes wild)


LUKE: You guys left us for this?


KIMBERLY: I don’t think it was part of the plan.


(Cut to Jacob, Private Renzi, Private Matthews and numerous other soldiers watching Trump’s speech on television in a common room at Fort Devens that has a pool table in it)


DONALD TRUMP: Nobody knows the system better than me. Which is why, I alone can fix it. I have seen first-hand how the system was rigged against our citizens, just like it was rigged against Bernie Sanders! He never had a chance! He never had a chance.


JACOB: Fuck. He’s gonna win, isn’t he?


(Cut to Renee watching the speech on TV in her apartment while one-year old Kyle sits in her lap)


DONALD TRUMP: On January 20th, 2017, the DAY I TAKE THE OATH OF OFFICE! (Applause and cheering) Americans will finally wake up, in a country, where the LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES ARE ENFORCED!


(Cheering and applause. Renee looks at her vagina, and then looks at Kyle)


RENEE: You sure you don’t wanna go back in there, Ky-Ky?


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson on the floor of the RNC, watching Trump’s speech. They all look deeply disturbed)


DONALD TRUMP: To all Americans tonight, in all of our cities, and in all of our towns, I make this promise. We will make America strong again. (Applause) We will make America proud again. (Applause and cheering) We will make America SAFE again. (Cheering) AND WE WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! GOD BLESS YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT! I LOVE YOU!


(Everyone around Ethan, Fiona and Nelson stand up and applaud and cheer. But they just stand there, dumbfounded. Cut to a shot of Barron Trump on stage with his father, half-brothers and mom. Cut back to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson. Cut to Ethan and Fiona in the hotel later that night. Ethan is having a drink as Fiona lies on the bed)


ETHAN: Did you see Donald and Melania’s son Barron?


FIONA: I know, wasn’t he a sweetheart?


ETHAN: He had no facial expression. He looks dead inside.


FIONA: So does Trump.


ETHAN: Did you know both Trump’s kids, Eric and Donald Junior own vineyards? How does that resonate with middle America?


FIONA: To be fair, they’re avid hunters. That resonates.


ETHAN: Yeah, but they’re probably not hunters in the way we think. They probably rent islands to they can hunt man.


FIONA: True.


ETHAN: It’s just unsettling to see that family. Donald seems like the kind of dad that pits his son against each other.


FIONA: Why are you so obsessed with his family?


ETHAN: I don’t know, I’m just…hold on. (Ethan leaves the hotel room. Cut to Ethan near the vending machines, on the phone) I’m sorry, Paul, I have to back out. My conscience says I can’t be associated with this mad man. (Pause for Paul to talk) I get it, you have a file on me, but you have no dirt on me that the public doesn’t already know about. (Pause) Yes, I went to a strip club for my bachelor party, didn’t you? (Pause) I went there to drink beer, I would’ve torn up their pussies if I wasn’t engaged-are you recording this?


(Cut to Ethan walking back into his hotel room)


FIONA: What was that all about?


ETHAN: I told Paul I didn’t want the job after all.


FIONA: Oh. Good for you.


(Ethan nods his head)


ETHAN: …What the fuck are we gonna do in Cleveland for three days?


OLD RYAN: (Over voice) And that was my father’s painful decision. (Cut to him telling the story to some very bored children in 2066) But three days later, he headed to the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.


KID: God, Grandpa, except for the ugly guy getting booed and the baboon man’s bad speech, the convention was boring.


RYAN: Sure, but the DNC was a different story. Much more exciting!! (The kids go “ooooh”) It all started when Hillary Clinton picked Tim Kaine to be her running mate!


(The kids go “awwwww” in disappointment)


KID 2: I don’t even know who that is and I’m already bored by him.


(Cut to black)



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