the psychologically damaged

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
so let me see where to start maybe at the end so that you can fully comprehend what the story is about. i’m sinking no not in water but in my thoughts sitting in the light shade of the dark asking myself how could this be if i had what i have now as a kid my life could have been a better one but yet now it all seems so useless and irrelevant no matter how much i made it was never enough to fully fill that hole in my heart well to fully comprehend let me start off with a story of a 13 year old boy, he was more than meets the eye polite, happy and stress free but deep but he held a dark secret so intense it was slowly consuming him little did he know he was slowly being changed into either something fiendish or good i mean he was only 13 years old life had lots to offer him yet miracously it chose not to he always felt the need for closure and answers yet he never got them. i was that 13 year old and it all stated as most of the sad stories you know i asked myself the very same question i was told not to ask ‘why me, why now’ i sat at home with one of my cousins watching tv goofing around mom screamed outside we rushed out to see what was wrong and as we got out of the door she was dancing and i know this might not scare you but to us it did she was dancing in a unusual way, talking gilbirish and right at that moment i knew what was wrong i rushed to my grand moms room grabbed her and started crying”why,why,why me, why now ” i stated asking myself my cousin came into the room and kept he too knew what was wrong her mom was in the same condition my mom was i started feeling like it was his fault maybe if he wasn’t here all of this wouldn’t have happened. i kept crying a series of questions powdered in my head i mean i was a child i didn’t have answers for them. endless battles for months raged on at home every time we tried to take her to the hospital i mean she wasn’t well but she couldn’t see that., she refused me to play with other kids i wasn’t even allowed to leave the yard but even if i wanted to i couldn’t all of the kids saw a child of a mad women i couldn’t stand the cold remarks they gave me every time so i decided to rather do what she said and stay at home, days became weeks, weeks became months and slowly but surely a dark hole stated forming in my heart i mean if this was a movie i would have grown to be the most dangerous serial killer the world has ever seen but i was young and had a lot of choices i had to make. after a while i grew tired some of being alone plus i had a brother who could make life a living hell always angry around the family but sweet and cool with his friends, i decided to go out and play, as i was in the street i saw a girl who caught my eye not because i liked or anything but because i haven’t seen her before, she came to me ‘hey i’m zanele do you want to play’ shocked i nodded yes. she just moved in the corner of my block and had few friends. while playing i was in constant fear of what my mom would do if she finds me in the streets ,she always wanted me to stay on her site ,only a few weeks ago she came to my school and told me it wasn’t safe for me to be there i felt so ashamed when she showed embarrassed is the right term i should use everything was starting to be so worse now but luckily my aunt helped us out and took her to the hospital, the visits were so horrifying image a 13 year boy seeing her mom in a physic iatric ward.’ come say hi to your mom ’my aunt said i didn’t know what to say it was a while since i saw her in her right mind i could see the tears in her eyes as i said ‘can i use the bathroom first’ i didn’t know what to say or do i mean all i saw when i looked at her was the women who always shouted at me, beat me kept me locked up for no reason, i washed my faced and prepared myself my cousin tsholo was there with me like he always been and told me ‘his your mom, it’s going to be fine’ tsholo was that kind of guy that was a pillar to me he made me feel like everything fine even though it wasn’t i went in the other room and faced my demons. ‘hi child ‘mom said as i hugged her ‘how have you been, i hope your brothers are feeding you well’. yep those are mothers always worrying about if your tummy is full or not. a few months passed and left home to stay with my other aunt, like my mom she was sick but her sickness were kind of spontaneous, occasional out breaks, she wasn’t that to live with except on weekends. weekends for us was hell she would make us work long hours and still shout at you for not doing not a good job. she would give you choirs even when they weren’t anything to do she would find something for you to do. months passed and mom was discharged, i went back home and everything seemed to be a ness mom had no job we had to live on grand mom pension fund things weren’t looking so good. we struggled to get by for a few weeks until mom got her old job back, we were pretty happy i mean everything was starting to go back to normal again. remember zanele after a year or so we started to attend the same school and the same grade we were inseparable two bandits in a rogue mission to change the world, we did everything together and felt like nothing can stop. our fellow peers thought i was gay because she was my only friend not remembering their remarks and all kinds of teasing i got.im 14 now a young and intelligent fellow i just got a schoolarship to study abroad things were starting to look up. like everything good in life it didn’t last for long a few days passed after getting the scholarship some girl told me my mom has hiv i told my principal and she was dealt with accordingly, i went home told mom she said ‘kids will be kids, she was just teasing you’ i wasn’t worried because it wasn’t true. mom started to be sick again she cursed at our neighbors every day for no reason my scholarship papers wasn’t signed and the only person to sign them off was losing it again. this was a nightmare i submitted as they were and was told i won’t get the scholarship. more battles had to be fought at home once again i was an outcast i didn’t feel comfortable being around people my mom curse at every day plus she wouldn’t leave me by her side the beatings, shouting started i didn’t matter to her if i was sent to the shop to buy something if she found me in the the street she would beat the crap out of me. i returned to my previous state of loneliness. i felt like my childhood is being taken away ‘where is god in all of this, when i thought things could get better’.i spent most of my days locked in the house surrounded by a women who spoke to herself all day and night and when she felt tired talking to herself she would beat the crap out of me. i tried calling my dad all he could offer was a allowed i grew to hate him and what he was doing all i wanted was comfort i was a child tripped away of his child hood . a year passed and mom was taken to hospital again i moved my aunt’s house again enduring what my father could have prevented to happen. music, movies were my friends i spent a year concealed i didn’t feel like making friends every time they looked at me i felt like they knew every time they laughed i felt like they were laughing at me. i couldn’t fully comprehend why the things were happening and i still don’t.my older brother called and said ‘come home i need to tell you something about mom ’. i went home hoping for good news my brother victor was his name took me to the forest ‘let’s take a walk’ he said, deep in the forest he stood and looked at me ‘mom is hiv positive’ i was shocked angry at the world i went back to my aunt’s house and didn’t say a word to any one, when mom was discharged i was 16 i went back home with my cousin tsholo. mom was making potato fries i hugged her and greeted her my heart sank i don’t know if i interpreted this right but tsholo was afraid to hug her could it be he knows .my heart had a hole in it that anything wouldn’t fill

Submitted: July 24, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 24, 2016

A A A

A A A


So let me see where to start maybe at the end so that you can fully comprehend what the story is about. I’m sinking no not in water but in my thoughts sitting in the light shade of the dark asking myself how could this be if I had what I have now as a kid my life could have been a better one but yet now it all seems so useless and irrelevant no matter how much I made it was never enough to fully fill that hole in my heart well to fully comprehend let me start off with a story of a 13 year old boy, he was more than meets the eye polite, happy and stress free but deep but he held a dark secret so intense it was slowly consuming him little did he know he was slowly being changed into either something fiendish or good I mean he was only 13 years old life had lots to offer him yet miracously it chose not to he always felt the need for closure and answers yet he never got them. I was that 13 year old and it all stated as most of the sad stories you know I asked myself the very same question I was told not to ask ‘why me, why now’ I sat at home with one of my cousins watching tv goofing around mom screamed outside we rushed out to see what  was wrong and as we got out of the door she was dancing and I know this might not scare you but to us it did she was dancing in a unusual way, talking gilbirish and right at that moment I knew what was wrong I rushed to my grand moms room grabbed her and started crying”why,why,why me, why now ” I stated asking myself my cousin came into the room and kept he too knew what was wrong her mom was in the same condition my mom was  I started feeling like it was his fault maybe if he wasn’t here all of this wouldn’t have happened. I kept crying a series of questions powdered in my head I mean I was a child I didn’t have answers for them. Endless battles for months raged on at home every time we tried to take her to the hospital I mean she wasn’t well but she couldn’t see that., she refused me to play with other kids I wasn’t even allowed to leave the yard but even if I wanted to i couldn’t all of the kids saw a child of a mad women I couldn’t stand the cold remarks they gave me every time so I decided to rather do what she said and stay at home, days became weeks, weeks became months and slowly but surely a dark hole stated forming in my heart I mean if this was a movie I would have grown to be the most dangerous serial killer the world has ever seen but I was young and had a lot of choices I had to make. After a while I grew tired some of being alone plus I had a brother who could make life a living hell always angry around the family but sweet and cool with his friends, I decided to go out and play, as I was in the street I saw a girl who caught my eye not because I liked or anything but because I haven’t seen her before, she came to me ‘hey I’m zanele do you want to play’ shocked I nodded yes. She just moved in the corner of my block and had few friends. While playing I was in constant fear of what my mom would do if she finds me in the streets ,she always wanted me to stay on her site ,only a few weeks ago she came to my school and told me it wasn’t safe for me to be there I felt so ashamed when she showed embarrassed is the right term I should use everything was starting to be so worse now but luckily my aunt helped us out and took her to the hospital, the visits were so horrifying image a 13 year boy seeing her mom in a physic iatric ward.’ come say hi to your mom ’my aunt said I didn’t know what to say it was a while since I saw her in her right mind I could see the tears in her eyes as I said ‘can I use the bathroom first’ I didn’t know what to say  or do I mean all I saw when I looked at her was the women who always shouted at me, beat me kept me locked up for no reason, I washed my faced and prepared myself my cousin tsholo was there with me like he always been and told me ‘his your mom, it’s going to be fine’ tsholo was that kind of guy that was a pillar to me he made me feel like everything fine even though it wasn’t I went in the other room and faced my demons. ‘Hi child ‘mom said as I hugged her ‘how have you been, I hope your brothers are feeding you well’. Yep those are mothers always worrying about if your tummy is full or not. A few months passed and  left home to stay with my other aunt, like my mom she was sick but her sickness were kind of spontaneous, occasional out breaks, she wasn’t that to live with except on weekends. Weekends for us was hell she would make us work long hours and still shout at you for not doing not a good job. She would give you choirs even when they weren’t anything to do she would find something for you to do. Months passed and mom was discharged, I went back home and everything seemed to be a ness mom had no job we had to live on grand mom pension fund things weren’t looking so good. We struggled to get by for a few weeks until mom got her old job back, we were pretty happy I mean everything was starting to go back to normal again. Remember zanele after a year or so we started to attend the same school and the same grade we were inseparable two bandits in a rogue mission to change the world, we did everything together and felt like nothing can stop. Our fellow peers thought I was gay because she was my only friend not remembering their remarks and all kinds of teasing I got.im 14 now a young and intelligent fellow I just got a schoolarship to study abroad things were starting to look up. Like everything good in life it didn’t last for long a few days passed after getting the scholarship some girl told me my mom has hiv I told my principal and she was dealt with accordingly, I went home told mom she said ‘kids will be kids, she was just teasing you’ I wasn’t worried because it wasn’t true. Mom started to be sick again she cursed at our neighbors every day for no reason my scholarship papers wasn’t signed and the only person to sign them off was losing it again. This was a nightmare I submitted as they were and was told I won’t get the scholarship. More battles had to be fought at home once again I was an outcast I didn’t feel comfortable being around people my mom curse at every day plus she wouldn’t leave me by her side the beatings, shouting started I didn’t matter to her if I was sent to the shop to buy something if she found me in the the street she would beat the crap out of me. i returned to my previous state of loneliness. I felt like my childhood is being taken away ‘where is god in all of this, when I thought things could get better’.i spent most of my days locked in the house surrounded by a women who spoke to herself all day and night and when she felt tired talking to herself she would beat the crap out of me. I tried calling my dad all he could offer was a allowed I grew to hate him and what he was doing all I wanted was comfort I was a child tripped away of his child hood . a year passed and mom was taken to hospital again I moved my aunt’s house again enduring what my father could have prevented to happen. Music, movies were my friends I spent a year concealed I didn’t feel like making friends every time they looked at me I felt like they knew every time they laughed I felt like they were laughing at me. I couldn’t fully comprehend why the things were happening and I still don’t.my older brother called and said ‘come home I need to tell you something about mom ’. I went home hoping for good news my brother victor was his name took me to the forest ‘let’s take a walk’ he said, deep in the forest he stood and looked at me ‘mom is HIV positive’ I was shocked angry at the world I went back to my aunt’s house and didn’t say a word to any one, when mom was discharged I was 16 I went back home with my cousin tsholo. mom was making potato fries I hugged her and greeted her my heart sank I don’t know if I interpreted this right but tsholo was afraid to hug her could it be he knows .my heart had a hole in it that anything wouldn’t fill 


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