The Eternal Nemesis

Reads: 1185  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 2

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic

In a land where dragons transformed and lived as humans, Serthe Dracolon, one of the few remaining ebon dragons of his race, felt desperate in his search for a soul mate that will live with him through the dark years to come. That is, until he met a human huntress that may at last be able to melt his heart and sparked the flames of passion within him, once again.

Table of Contents

The Blood Feud

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.”
- Plato
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Through a Thousand Years


“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to
love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” -Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
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Banes of Dragons

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”  -F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Ebon Wings and Scorching Flames

“There will be today, there will be tomorrow, there will be always, and there was yesterday, and there was the day before...”  - Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace
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Recent Comments

S.B.Scoular

I enjoyed this. There were a few little mistakes but nothing major.

I will deffos be back to review other chapters :)

Mon, October 24th, 2016 9:14pm

Author
Reply

Thank you, S. B. Scoular! Glad you enjoyed the story!

Mon, October 24th, 2016 11:10pm

Archia

This is a great start, it seems like it's going to be really interesting. Just briefly the prologue really set the scene well of what this land was like and the relationship between humans these creatures. I love this idea that the creatures can look like humans. It makes for an intriguing story.
Your descriptions are great, they definitely do well to set the scene and the characters. There's definitely not a lack in the image and scenes that you created, especially the fight scene you created. I think in something like this with fantasy creatures, it would be hard to picture this dragon-human and I know I would've been really off without the great descriptions. The characters are really described well and I can just picture them there.
Just a couple of things though; at points the descriptions seemed a little unnecesary and overdone. Like when you're describing the bedroom Serthe wakes up in you mention it's wood paneled and then a few paragraphs down you mention again about the wood. Also, and I may be wrong, but I don't think it's that important to know that it's an oak bed. Don't get me wrong, your descriptions are great and I could just be saying this because when I'm not very good at weaving descriptions in subtly so I avoid it, but it was just a litte too much and I think with too many descriptions all the time it can distract from the actions and emotions of the story. Also, and this is defintely me just being nitpicky, but you said ebony and ebon dragon a lot of times, and it's clear early on that he is an ebon dragon so I don't think it needs to be repeated.
You're tenses are a little off at times. There's quite a few times were you put words into past tense when they shouldn't be and I think it was mainly in speech and in their thoughts. I know the whole thing is in past tense, but in these moments it doesn't work. Like here “other than you, who is the only other creature I had ever known.” The 'had' should be 'have' because it's talking about something which is still going on, their friendship isn't in the past. And here ""So full of hopes, dreams, love, and ambition, despite the fact that they only lived for a few" The 'lived' shoudl be 'live'. Apart from that there's not really any other grammar issues, you definitely seem to be pretty good with grammar.
I thought it was a great way to begin with the fight and it makes you question what's going on and it ended at a high point which makes you want to know what's going to happen next. Also the first fight doesn't really make it clear which fighter is the "good" one, and it got me curious about who I wanted to win. Also it makes the rest more interesting as it tells of the story of how this came to be, and the characters, like Reims, turns up and adds another little hint to why this fight is happening. I think you really did the fight scene well, and gave away the perfect amount of information to make the rest more intriguing.
I think you've got a great idea here. I love that this is a fantasy with romance and adventure and just by this first chapter and prologue, it seems like all those elements will have a good balance in this. It definitely seems like it's going to be exciting, the very first scene suggested that. How it's going to end up I can't guess, which is great for a story because, especially when there's romance, things can get predictable. All in all this looks like it's going be exciting, and intriguing and a great read.

Tue, October 25th, 2016 10:22am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for these great compliments and advices! I had never have anyone written such an intricate and detailed, meticulous and heartfelt comment on my work before, and I am truly touched! I am so glad that you loved how the story and the various characters & interactions in it. When I first wrote this, I am quite uncertain whether my readers would find the story to their liking, and what will be their reactions. Now I am glad that I wrote the story the way I did.

Additionally, I want to thank you graciously for pointing out the parts of my story that are far from perfect. I do agree, sometimes I got absorbed into descriptions, and end up describing way too many details in the story, even the most meticulous of objects. (Repeatedly too) As of the tense problems, I will be sure to look into them. Admittedly, my grammatical skills overlying those regions aren't the strongest. With your advices, I finally know where my flaws lie, and the spots at which I could improve my writing style in the future!

Tue, October 25th, 2016 5:05am

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