An Open Letter to The Man Who Saved Me And Broke My Heart

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 28, 2016

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Submitted: July 28, 2016

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What we have once enjoyed we can never lose; All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us. ~Helen Keller

 

It’s almost a month to the day a year ago. The day I mindlessly tried to erase my existence from this world, the day I let our demons win and played along to their whispered suggestions in my ear.

I hated you. I didn’t fully understand what had happened until I gained my clarity in the mental hospital. I remember bits and pieces. I remember you abandoning me there. I remember the betrayal I felt and all the betrayals that had defined my life and our love that lead up to this. I remember crying at night, feeling out of place, unwanted, but deserving of such punishment.

I was sick. I still am.

You may not have known just how far I had gotten that day. How even though you thought you left me safe in that hospital bed, I still held water in my lungs. How I wretched and struggled to breathe while the nurse looked on at me trying to figure out what was wrong. How they took x-rays to make sure my lungs were clear.

That day I hated you for putting me there. But that day you saved me.

We tried again after you left me. All of it seemed to be in vain. You’ve broken me so many times, but I kept coming back for more. It was my addiction. This was the love I deserved. As passionate as we were, as good as it felt to be with you; it burned me. I had always feared you’d leave me and you did.

I loved you all the same, because the heart wants what the heart wants. I can’t explain why I love you, I had never been good at telling you why. It wasn’t just our connection, our how you look, or even if you loved me back. I simply wanted you, out of everyone in the world. No one could make me turn away from you, but you. And that’s exactly what you did.

You broke me over and over, my heart and my trust.

But this is the thing I’m slowly realizing… the air smells different now. I feel like the hell we built ourselves and foolishly fought to live in has finally burned itself out. There was a part of me that had laid dormant for almost a decade. The part of me that screamed out when my heart won over my head. When you won over my sense of worth. She wants her life back.

Those holes in my heart? The cracks you left in your wake? They allowed her to claw her way out. You broke my heart, yes, but you also unleashed something bigger. That girl you broke and left time and again… she wasn’t real. The left over visage of a beaten doll. Long ago I had been convinced she was me, so I would mourn over her and pick up her pieces each time you walked away. No more though, she lay in shambles in this grave I dig. Along with all the hopes and dreams I held for us.

I can breathe now. You and her no longer weight on my heart but you will always be dear to me, a living part of me. My annihilator, my savior, my lover, my enemy, the other half of my soul.

Thank you J.S. for doing what I did not have the strength to do. Thank you for setting me free.


© Copyright 2017 Vanessa Margo. All rights reserved.

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