What I See When I Think of You

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A letter to love of my life, whom i lost forever,

Submitted: July 30, 2016

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Submitted: July 30, 2016

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What I see When I Think of You

 

My Love,

 

Seeing that I have never written anything under these pretenses, I am not quite sure how to begin. I suppose to tell you that the 6 months Jennifer and I have spent together, have been the most wonderful times of my life. There is a love, a sweetness, a faithfulness tightly held  deep inside of her, that I had the pirvilage to see first hand. And being blessed to partake in our time together was an experience that made this entire ride worth while. I have heard many speak of falling in love and being heartbroken and I am well versed in what that can feel like, according to the many. How I feel with her, can never be compared on the same level. How can I put it on a level in which people talk about, when my feelings go far beyond the depths of any words. I can not even make sense of these feelings myself. The only conclusion I have drawn is that it is not my familiar feelings or thoughts which have drawn me in, but they must be of Divine significance. People everywhere use certain phrases often, which hold me back at times like these. Because trying to explain how I feel, I would say things such as "I feel that I can not breathe without you", "I am lost without you", "I feel like I have lost part of my own soul when I am away", Ect. People say such things to sound poetic, and exaggerate  the love they feel in a given moment. One in which they will usually look back on as a first love, the feeling like no other, or what have you of the sorts. When I say these things, I literally mean them as they are worded. So how could I possibly express to another, the way in which I truly feel? For they could never begin to understand or relate.  I find comfort in knowing that they are not meant to relate. God can relate, and I can as well. To my misfortune, I can not speak to Jennifer’s feelings, as I am very lost in what they are. I fear I have weakened them, in pursuit of the very same love that drove me to blindness. Sending a message that I knew would secure an end for us, yet not seeing the grand design . 

In this I feel very ashamed, because who am I to determine that? With a love that I feel is divine, how could I take authority and pronounce an end date? In so many ways, I am lacking. Most importantly in faith, We could be given trials, possibly meant to strengthen our faith, yet I choose to protect my own self, and forsake the very thing I was meant to cherish and protect, which is undoubtedly, a gift from God. A gift that can not be measured by a glance or a simple encounter. She had the ability to take a heart that was in many pieces, (missing a few as well), and mended it back together, with the touch of her hand. An ability to create joy where there was longing. More than that, she showed me the missing pieces in which I gave up on some time ago.

Since I know this to be truth, I also know the gift she possess, to be real and true. A gift from God, more powerful, more beautiful than anything  I have ever witnessed, read about, or even dreamed about. Would any rational person look at God and then turn their back, as if they were careless ? So why would I take His most precious gift and disrespect it equally? I use my own insecurities to rationalize the ways in which I hold back trust, or seek  beyond what she should ever feel necessary to give. Given a love as great as I’ve expressed, why would I not cherish that very same love, and trust in it completely? Why would I take such a gift and transform it into a trial, for the one I so love? All of these questions weigh heavy on my mind. A weight so heavy that holding a conversation with others would prove an impossible task, because which of you would empathize and not count my delusions, seeking a rational explanation for how I feel. I am certain that there is no such explanation, not one in which you come to know by mere analysis. Fact remains that I do know the truth, I  know God is Lord over that same truth, and for my love, I have not given the time nor earned the right to an understanding of how she possibly feels. In this knowledge, my heart saddens to a depth lower than I thought possible. 

 

In the aftermath of the emotions and uncertainty, I am faced with a depression that troubles me to the very core of who I am. I face decisions in which I can not find a comforting solution. The humility of my actions have led to a faith which has grown weak. I seek my Father for guidance but I am too ashamed to come out and listen. I am aware that my weakness the very thing leading to my own despair. Furthermore, I also lack in strength. I can not seem to summon the strength needed to stand up and do what’s right, while absorbed in an all encompassing fear, that the wrong decision may lead the only girl Ive ever loved, into an oncoming storm rather than a sanctuary for peace. The type of place she was intended. For how could a love of this magnitude be meant for anything other than to let that love shine throughout the world. To help the weak,the weary, the needy, the lost, and the ones who feel forsaken? We have possessed a love, strong enough to change the world.

 

Only the truth remains, the truth that I damaged a gift of ultimate importance. For nothing could be more important than what is sent by our God above. The same One who declared love to be the greatest gift of them all.  

I am faced with two paths, both are rugged, and I struggle to know the way. The simplest of the two is making the choice to withdraw from the matter all together, entrusting  my love, Jennifer, to the hands of the unknown. I wonder at times if the unknown could be the better option, as I have proved a failure, in my ability to take a woman such as her, and provide what she deserves. 

A second path lies open as well, one in which troubles me even more. Pleading for another chance. A chance to make right what I have wronged. Lacking a complete faith in God, leads to a lack in all other areas as well. And the thought of her suffering at my hands again, is more than I can live with.

 

You see, even at times of peace, times of no suffering, if I am away even then, I battle the skies for enough air to simply breathe. Though I confess, breathing without her next to me, is like seeing without noticing a thing. Any time in which I am away, the thought of death appeals to me greatly. I sit here now, afraid and uncertain, knowing I have but only two choices. 

I do not wish to give up my life, but I would rather die than to watch the love held within Jennifer, never have the chance to serve its purpose. A chance to shine for God, to light flames in the very darkest of corners.

 

To this decision I am not sure. I write now while waiting for guidance and strength, or to eventually accept the absense of both. , 

 

Love Always,

Steven

 

 

 


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