The Donahues Episode 250

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan, Fiona and Nelson go to the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Ethan is enticed by a Bernie Or Bust delegate after he gets offered a speaking slot as a converted Republican. Meanwhile, Ryan and Catherine encounter difficulty in their new minimalist lifestyle

Submitted: August 02, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 02, 2016









“Our power doesn’t come from some self-declared savior promising that he alone can restore order. We don’t look to be ruled”

  • President Barack Obama


(We start with Ethan, Fiona and Nelson coming out of the gate at Philadelphia International Airport, carrying bags)


NELSON: It’s gonna be dangerous over there with all those Bernie supporters, so I bought you guys Kevlar vests.


ETHAN: Is that why these bags are so heavy?


NELSON: Yes. Those people are crazy violent, they might even throw chairs at us.


ETHAN: At the very least they’ll brandish them.


(Cut to Ethan standing on the floor of the Democratic Convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Bernie supporters are booing as Barney Frank speaks)


BARNEY FRANK: Hillary Clinton-


(Bernie supporters boo louder)


ETHAN: Jesus, are they gonna boo for four days, every time Hillary Clinton’s name is- (A bunch of Bernie supporters look at Ethan and start booing) Okay! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

(A DNC operative walks over to Ethan)


DNC OPERATIVE: Excuse me, could I see your credentials?


ETHAN: Sure. (Ethan shows the man his credentials) I’m here as a guest. I’m not a delegate.


DNC OPERATIVE: Are you a Democrat?


ETHAN: Yes. I am now, anyway.




ETHAN: Almost three months.


DNC OPERATIVE: Really? I swear I saw you at the convention in Charlotte four years ago.


(Ethan starts rubbing his neck)


ETHAN: Oh, yeah, that was probably my twin brother. He’s a huge lefty.


DNC OPERATIVE: Is he here?


ETHAN: No, he-uh, he died.


DNC OPERATIVE: My God. I’m sorry to hear that.


ETHAN: Uh-huh, I’m sad about it.


DNC OPERATIVE: Why are you rubbing your neck so much?


ETHAN: I got a bad rash.


DNC OPERATIVE: Do you hold office or anything?


ETHAN: I was briefly the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont and now I’m running for their city council. As a Democrat.


DNC OPERATIVE: Hey, we have a spot open on Thursday for a speaker. We’re trying to showcase how many Republicans who are disgusted with Trump are coming over to our side.


ETHAN: Thursday? Isn’t that the day Hillary is speaking?


DNC OPERATIVE: Yeah, we don’t want too many high-profile speakers on that day because Hillary is, uh, not a good speaker.


ETHAN: Okay, I understand that. Sure, I’ll speak on Thursday. What do you want me to say?


DNC OPERATIVE: …Oh, you take orders, perfect. Alright, say that Trump is too bigoted and isolationist for you.


ETHAN: Sounds good.


DNC OPERATIVE: My name is Henrell Picietti, by the way.


ETHAN: What’s your e-mail?


(Ethan takes out his phone)




ETHAN: 788 people had the name Henrell Picietti?


HENRELL: I was surprised too.


(Cut to a group of Bernie supporters protesting in the media tent. Ethan walks in and they start booing him)


ETHAN: How does word get around so fast with you people!?


BERNIE SUPPORTER: You’re that guy who was running for city council up in Vermont, and you said you were a Jill Stein supporter just a few weeks ago!

BERNIE SUPPORTER 2: But then you sold it! Why’d you do it, sellout? Did Hillary offer you a cabinet position!?


ETHAN: No, Hillary didn’t-


BERNIE SUPPORTER: Then why’d you do it?!


ETHAN: Listen, I had a spiritual awakening, and then it wore off. Like when you guys will inevitably backpack to Tibet and discover Buddhism. It’ll wear off.






ETHAN: Come on, guys!

(A girl with multicolored hair comes out of the crowd, trying to calm people down)


GIRL: Brothers and sisters, we’ll never connect to him with vitriol. We need to assist him in reconnecting with his spirit.


(The Bernie supporters nod. Ethan looks enticed)


ETHAN: Who are you?


GIRL: My name? Anella. No relation to Time Kaine’s daughter Anella. Fuck Tim Kaine.


(The Bernie supporters hold their fingers up and start whispering “fuck him” to one another)


ETHAN: What are they doing?


ANELLA: It’s called a thought cloud. It’s an organic manifestation of ideas. We whisper together and let the idea settle into our chakra.




ANELLA: You know, Dr. Stein is holding a meet-up at FDR park. Do you want to keep an open mind?


ETHAN: For you, anything.



ETHAN: Uh-I mean, I guess. Sure.


(Anella extends her hand, and Ethan takes it. They lead him away with them. Cut to Doctor Stein speaking at FDR Park to her supporters. Anella and Ethan are watching her speak)


DR. STEIN: Those crooks that wrecked the economy need to pay for what they did! We should force the children of bankers to attend the de facto segregated black schools in Alabama and then see if they’d like to become spiritual healers instead!

(People start cheering)


ETHAN: This doesn’t really sound like Bernie Sanders-


ANELLA: Jill is her own woman.


DR. STEIN: The Democratic and Republican Parties are both owned by corporate interests, they love war, and they hate the American worker.


ANELLA: Excuse me, Dr. Stein!


(Anella’s people start whispering “Excuse me, Dr. Stein” amongst each other)


DR. STEIN: Yes, sister?


ANELLA: My name is Anella Carpenter, and I have a man with me here today who is lost.


DR. STEIN: What kind of acid is he on?


ANELLA: No, ma’am, he’s not tripping-


DR. STEIN: Okay, because I was about to recommend my guy. He never deals the dementia LSD that you see in other parts of Philly.


ANELLA: Doctor, he had a spiritual awakening several weeks ago and went from being a Republican to supporting you. But now, his awakening has worn off, and now supports Hillary Clinton for President.


DR. STEIN: Come up here, sir.


ETHAN: Alrighty.


(Ethan gets up on stage with Dr. Stein)


DR. STEIN: Can you tell me why you support a warmonger like Secretary Clinton?


ETHAN: Well, I’m deathly afraid of Donald Trump and I don’t want him to become President.


DR. STEIN: You’re voting for the lesser evil.


ETHAN: Yeah.


DR. STEIN: Well, I’m here to tell you that you can vote for the greater good.


ETHAN: Listen, I don’t really agree with you on much. I became a liberal for a few weeks because I tripped on LSD in a forest for a little while. I befriended a deer at one point, but yesterday I ate a Deer Burger at one of Philly’s famous restaurants. Totally unnecessary, didn’t sound that appetizing. But I did it, because this is America, and that’s freedom.


DR. STEIN: Oh, Gosh, you’re a troubled soul.


ANELLA: Doctor, find a way to reignite his spiritual awakening.


(Anella’s crew all start whispering “reignite his spiritual awakening”)


ETHAN: Oh, God.


DR. STEIN: I know what’ll do it. (Dr. Stein turns to a bearded man wearing sandals and a kimono on the ground near the stage) Riley, get that miracle elixir out of my car.


RILEY: Out of sight, Dr. Stein.


(Riley runs over to Dr. Stein’s car, which is parked on the side of the street, along with a bunch of other cars. Dr. Stein’s car is a 1996 Camry)


ETHAN: This is literally not 1969.


(Riley gets a jar of unidentified liquid out of Dr. Stein’s car and runs over to the stage. Riley puts the jar on the stage)


DR. STEIN: Thanks, Riley.


RILEY: Thank you, sister Jill.


ETHAN: What is that liquid?


DR. STEIN: It’s homeopathic. It will cleanse your body of toxins and the harmful spirits of conservatism and corporatism.


ETHAN: Aren’t you a medical Doctor?


DR. STEIN: Yes, I graduated from Harvard Medical School.


ETHAN: And you want me to drink this jar of unidentified liquid?


DR. STEIN: Drink it. Trust me. I’m a doctor.


ETHAN: I don’t want to drink that thing.


DR. STEIN: All you need is a little bit.


ANELLA: Drink it and I’ll always love you.


(Anella’s crew starts whispering “Drink it and I’ll always love you”. Ethan looks at Anella with wanting eyes, and then looks back at Dr. Stein)


ETHAN: …Alright then.


DR. STEIN: Super!


(Dr. Stein lifts the jar and puts it to Ethan’s lips, who starts sipping it)


ANELLA: Yes, absorb it, brother Ethan.


(Ethan stops drinking it, and swallows the last little bit)


ETHAN: Fuck. That shit tastes like industrial run-off from a lava lamp factory.


RILEY: How did he know-




(Pan over to Dr. Stein’s car. Rick Santorum is standing near the car right in front of Dr. Stein’s car)




ETHAN: Oh yeah, I forgot Santorum lives in Pennsylvania.


(Cut to Ryan, who now sports a lot of stubble, watering a pea plant in an empty room in Catherine’s farmhouse. There is a window with a sheet over it, letting a good amount of light in)


RYAN: That’s right, you like that water, don’t you? It’s tasty. Isn’t it? (Ryan pours a little water in his mouth, but spits it out) Ugh. I don’t care for it. To each their own, though.


(Ryan reaches over to a case of Monster Energy Drinks. He takes one out, opens it, and takes a sip. Catherine comes in. She has her hair in a ponytail and is holding a bowl)


CATHERINE: You want to try some of the butter I just churned?


RYAN: Yeah. (Catherine hands the bowl to Ryan, who licks inside the bowl) That’s good. We can have that for dinner again tonight.


CATHERINE: That’s what I’m thinking.


(Catherine leaves. Ryan sips his Monster)


RYAN: I love nature. (A car can be heard from outside) The hell? (Ryan peaks through the window and sees a truck being parked outside Catherine’s farm house. A man wearing a tie gets out of the truck and starts walking toward the house) Shit. (Ryan runs into the kitchen, where Catherine weaving a basket) Some guy wearing a tie is walking towards the house!

CATHERINE: Shit! Kill the lights!

RYAN: We already did! Remember, we’re not using technology anymore.


CATHERINE: Then get down on the floor!

(Ryan and Catherine get down on the floor, just as they hear the knock at the door)


VOICE FROM OUTSIDE: Hello? O pen the door! I’m a MewTwo!


RYAN: Oh, shit!

(Ryan runs towards the door)


CATHERINE: Goddamnit, Ryan! (Catherine runs over to where Ryan is. Ryan is about to open the door, but Catherine grabs his hand) I’ll handle this. (Whispering) My name’s Caitlyn and your name is Sean, got it?


RYAN: (Whispering) I hate those names.


CATHERINE: Shh. (Catherine cracks open the door) Hello?


MAN AT THE DOOR: Hello, I’m Pat. I said I was MewTwo because there’s a sale on glassware and you gotta “catch ‘em all”. So do-


CATHERINE: We’re not interested. Sorry.


PAT: Wait- (Catherine closes the door) please, they’re- (You hear a bunch of locks sliding in) that’s a ton of locks. (Pat walks back to the truck and gets in the front seat. He sighs and calls somebody on his cell phone) I couldn’t get shit out of them, Paul.


PAUL MANAFORT: (On the other line) Just follow the other leads and report back to me.


PAT: Yes sir.


(Pat hangs up and starts his car. Cut to Ryan and Catherine sitting in their living room)


CATHERINE: That guy seemed suspicious to me…


RYAN: How? He just seemed like a regular door-to-door salesman.


CATHERINE: Right, but this is a farm. My nearest neighbor is a mile away.


RYAN: …True. What was his deal?


CATHERINE: He could be…KGB.


RYAN: What? No! We’re getting stir crazy, we need to get out.




RYAN: Let’s go to a diner or something.


CATHERINE: Do you think they’re gonna have better butter and peas than we do?


RYAN: Hopefully they won’t have those at all. (Ryan gets up) What do you say? Let’s get out for our sanity.


(Catherine sighs)


CATHERINE: But it takes like half an hour to fill the bathtub, and then it takes three hours to take a bath.


RYAN: I’m turning the goddamn water back on.


(Ryan walks outside. Cut to Catherine driving her truck, with Ryan in the passenger seat)


CATHERINE: Where are we going?


RYAN: How about Fat Lloyd’s Diner?


CATHERINE: I’ve never a guy named Lloyd who was overweight. But fine.


(Catherine pulls into Fat Lloyd’s. They get out of the truck and walk into the diner. Cut to Ryan and Catherine sitting at a booth. A waitress comes over with a nametag reading “MARGRA- Employee Since 1986”)


MARGRA: Can I help you two?


RYAN: Yes, I’d like coffee.


CATHERINE: You’re not eating?


RYAN: You know me, bitch.


CATHERINE: True. I’ll have fried steak and mashed potatoes.


(Catherine gives the waitress her menu)


WAITRESS: You don’t want a drink?


(The waitress furrows her brow)


CATHERINE: Uhhh, right, yes, I want a sweet tea.




(Margra walks away)


RYAN: What was that?


CATHERINE: I don’t know, what a bitch.


RYAN: I mean, maybe we’re being hard on her, she has worked here for thirty years.


CATHERINE: That was her choice.


RYAN: Maybe it wasn’t, maybe she has to pay the bills-


(Margra comes over and puts two hamburgers on the table)


MARGRA: Can I get anything else for you guys?


CATHERINE: Sorry, these aren’t what we ordered.


MARGRA: Oh. So they aren’t good enough for you.


RYAN: Yes. Because we didn’t order them.


MARGRA: I’m gonna have to talk to my manager.


(Margra takes out a pack of cigarettes and walks out the back door)


RYAN: Jesus, man, she gives no fucks at all.


(Cut to Ethan crowd-surfing at the Jill Stein rally. He looks disoriented)


DR. STEIN: It’s time to cancel all student debt, instead of sending drones to take out student late on their payments Look it up!


ETHAN: I don’t know what’s going on!!


ANELLA: Just be a part of us, Ethan.


(Ethan feels Anella’s face)


ETHAN: Anella. Anella, take me.


(Anella puts her hand on Ethan’s hand)


ANELLA: I’m here, Ethan. I see you.


ETHAN: Take me from these people, Anella.


ANELLA: I am these people, Ethan. And so are you.


(Ethan’s phone starts ringing. Ethan takes out his phone and sees it’s Fiona)


ETHAN: Shit. I need to get back to the Wells Fargo Center.


DR. STEIN: GMOs cause the racist gene, and that’s a fact, jack!

ETHAN: Everybody, drop me!


(They all start whispering “drop him” to each other, and then drop him, but Anella catches him)


ANELLA: OOOh!! I got you!


ETHAN: Oh my Gosh. (Ethan strokes Anella’s cheek) You’re so beautiful. I’m 51% sure that whatever Dr. Stein gave me is slowly poisoning me, but if I were to die now, with this view, I’d be okay.


ANELLA: I saw something in you too, brother Ethan.


ETHAN: What’s that?


ANELLA: A titanium dome with a songbird living inside. Just waiting to be released.


DR. STEIN: We need to defeat ISIS by sending the children of bankers to fist fight them! They’re crooks!

ETHAN: …I need to get back to the Wells Fargo Arena. Can I get your number?


ANELLA: 2-6-7-4-2-0-8-1-9-2.


ETHAN: 4-2-0? Really?


ANELLA: It’s divine intervention.


(Anella smiles. Ethan smiles, and then stands up)


ETHAN: God, my legs are like Jell-O.


DR. STEIN: Jell-O is made from the hoofs of pigs! You monster!

ANELLA: Sister Jill. Brother Ethan didn’t mean it.


DR. STEIN: …I’m sorry, Brother Ethan.


ETHAN: It’s fine. I need a ride back to the convention.


(Rick Santorum walks over)


SENATOR SANTORUM: I’m waiting for an Uber, if you want to share it.


DR. STEIN: Fuck you, Rick Santorum!


(Senator Santorum looks at Dr. Stein. They all start whispering “Fuck you, Rick Santorum” to each other)


ETHAN: Yeah, I’ll share it with you.


(Senator Santorum looks back at Ethan)




(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson standing in the Wells Fargo Arena while Bernie Sanders speaks to the gathered delegates and guests)


SENATOR SANDERS: Brothers and sisters, this election is about OVERTURNING Citizens United!


(Applause and cheering)


ETHAN: (Under his breath) Brothers and sisters…


(Ethan smirks)


FIONA: What’d you say?


ETHAN: Nothing.


SENATOR SANDERS: Citizens United is one of the WORST Supreme Court decisions in the HISTORY of our country. That decision allows the wealthiest people in America, like the billionaire Koch Brothers- (boos from the audience) to spend hundreds of millions of dollars buying elections, and in the process, undermine American Democracy.


ETHAN: Could you imagine what would’ve happened if Debbie Wasserman Schultz hadn’t resigned? They would’ve feathered her by now.


FIONA: You mean tar and feathered?


ETHAN: No, they’re way too peaceful for that.


(Cut to Ethan and Fiona in their hotel. Fiona is drinking a glass of wine in bed. Ethan is undoing his tie in the mirror)


FIONA: So you took an Uber with Senator Santorum today?


ETHAN: Did I tell you about that?


FIONA: No, he was talking about it on FOX News earlier.


ETHAN: You know, that guy is way weird.


FIONA: You know what else is way weird?


ETHAN: Your fetishes?


FIONA: My fetishes!!


(Ethan sits on the bed)


ETHAN: I’m really tired, Fiona. Maybe tomorrow night. I’m sure President Clinton’s speech will put us in the mood.


FIONA: Clinton 42 or Clinton 45?


ETHAN: She hasn’t been elected yet, Fiona. And she’s not speaking tomorrow.


FIONA: I’m just practicing. It’s gonna be annoying making that distinction.


ETHAN: It’ll be better than making this distinction: “Are you talking about Trump 45, 46, 47 or 48?”


(Fiona laughs. Ethan’s phone vibrates, on the TV stand. Ethan walks over and checks it. It’s a text from Anella. It says “come outside”. Ethan raises his eyebrows)


FIONA: Who is it?


ETHAN: It’s just Rick. He wants to talk.


FIONA: What a weirdo.


ETHAN: Hey, I’m gonna head downstairs to see what kind of vending machine food they’ve got.


FIONA: Ooh, get me TastyKakes!


(Ethan shakes his head)




(Ethan walks out of the hotel room. Cut to Ryan and Catherine walking out of the diner)


CATHERINE: Where to now?


RYAN: Let’s just go home. This town sucks.




(An old black homeless man in a wheelchair rolls up to Ryan and Catherine)


RYAN: Hello.


HOMELESS MAN: Well, hello there. My name Arthur, and  I’m just wondering if you guys got any change, I’m no bum, I served in Vietnam, and I ain’t bullshittin’, look at this- (The man takes documentation out of his bag and shows it to them) this here my honorable discharge from service in the U.S. Military, effective February 20, 1970.


CATHERINE: Don’t worry, we believe you-


ARTHUR: And right here, is my- (Arthur takes out an old military ID showing him as a much younger man) military ID, so I ain’t tryin’ to put one over on ya.


RYAN: Don’t worry, we don’t think you are-


ARTHUR: Now, I got the gun I used over there-


(Arthur reaches for something in his pocket)


CATHERINE: Oh, my Gosh.


RYAN: Shit.


(Arthur takes out a Beretta 9mm pistol)


CATHERINE: Oh. That’s a lovely, gun.


ARTHUR: So you believe me now?


RYAN: Yes sir, we never didn’t believe you.


ARTHUR: You gonna give me money?


(Ryan and Catherine both nod and take out their wallets. Ryan takes out his wallet and takes out a ten-dollar bill)


RYAN: I only have a ten, I’m sorry.


(Arthur takes the money. Catherine pulls out a five)


CATHERINE: I have a five, and that’s it.


(Arthur takes the money as Catherine gives it to him. Arthur pulls out a baby tooth)


ARTHUR: This is the baby tooth of a ten-year old Vietnamese boy.


RYAN: Oh, Christ.


(Cut to Ryan and Catherine in Catherine’s truck, driving back)


CATHERINE: …I hate this town.


RYAN: Ditto. (Ryan looks out the window) Wait, who the hell’s truck is that?


CATHERINE: I don’t know. But I don’t like it. Hand me my knife.


RYAN: What knife?


CATHERINE: It’s in the truck’s ceiling.


RYAN: What?!


CATHERINE: Knock on the ceiling!!


(Ryan knocks on the truck’s ceiling, and the knife falls out, stabbing the car cushion)


RYAN: Fuck!


CATHERINE: Hand me it!


(Ryan pulls the knife out of the car cushion and hands it to Catherine as she parks the truck. Ryan and Catherine get out, and approach the farmhouse. Catherine opens the door, and points the knife forward. They hear rummaging sounds)


RYAN: (Whispering) Could it be a raccoon?


CATHERINE: (Whispering) A raccoon with a truck? (Ryan shrugs. Catherine and Ryan walk into the living room to see the “salesman” from earlier rummaging through the drawers of Catherine’s coffee table) HEY!


(Pat jumps up and puts his hands in the air)


PAT: Whoa!




PAT: Hey, let’s not jump to conclusions.


RYAN: You’re trespassing in our house, asshole, what other conclusion could we possibly draw!?


CATHERINE: Wait a second, you’re that salesman from earlier!


RYAN: Shit, you’re right!

PAT: Guys, please, just calm down. Let’s put the knife down now.


CATHERINE: Who are you, really?!


PAT: There’s a perfectly logical explanation for all of this. Ryan, that’s your name right?


RYAN: Yes…?


PAT: Your father is being considered for a job in the U.S. Government. I’m just doing some mandatory background snooping.


RYAN: This CANNOT be standard operating procedure. What’s my dad’s name?


PAT: Ethan.


RYAN: Oh…what job is he being considered for?


PAT: That’s classified.


CATHERINE: Ryan, call the police.


RYAN: You made us throw away our cell phones, babe.




(Pat runs out the back door. Catherine lowers her knife)


RYAN: I think we may need to bring technology back into our lives.


CATHERINE: Yeah. We also need to move the fuck out of this town.


RYAN: I’m glad you said it so I didn’t have to.


(Ryan and Catherine hug. Catherine tousles Ryan’s hair)


CATHERINE: It’s gonna be okay, Ry-Ry…


(Cut to Ethan in the parking lot of a Philadelphia Hilton at night. Ethan is looking around, until he sees Anella smoking a joint, walking towards him)


ANELLA: Hey cutie.




ANELLA: Is your old lady up there?


ETHAN: Yeah. Should you be smoking that in public?


ANELLA: It’s civil disobedience. You want some?


ETHAN: I’m fine. I don’t want to get addicted. (Anella reaches her hand into Ethan’s suit jacket and pulls out a flask) …I lived in Russia for four months.


(Anella takes a swig of Ethan’s flask and hands Ethan her joint. Ethan looks at the joint, looks around, and then takes a drag. Ethan coughs a bit)


ANELLA: How long have you been married to your old lady?


(Anella hands Ethan his flask and Ethan hands Anella her joint)


ETHAN: About a month.


ANELLA: And you’re already stepping out?


ETHAN: I’m not happy, with her. I’m trying to make it work, but I’m just…takin’ a piss.


(Ethan takes a swig of his flask)


ANELLA: So why don’t you leave her?


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Because we’re trying to have a baby.


(Ethan laughs, in disbelief)


ANELLA: That’s a mess.


ETHAN: I know. (Ethan hands Anella the flask, and Anella hands Ethan the joint, which he tokes) This shit isn’t bad.


ANELLA: It’s not evil. Forget what your parents told you.


ETHAN: You know…I could tell you a thing or two.


ANELLA: My car’s over there, daddy.


(Ethan and Anella walk over to a Toyota Corolla, where they get in the back seat. Ethan and Anella begin to have sex)


ETHAN: I’m gonna teach you a lesson in responsibility, you crazy hippie bitch.




(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson on the floor of the DNC on Tuesday while President Clinton is on stage, waving to the cheering audience)


ETHAN: (To Fiona) He better attack Trump in this speech, because they’ve been easy on him all goddamn day today.


FIONA: Agreed.


(President Clinton walks up to the podium)


PRESIDENT CLINTON: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (Cheering) Thank you. Thank you. In the spring of 1971, I met a girl!


(People cheer)


ETHAN: Oh Jesus Christ, Trump is gonna win.


(Cut to the next day. Ethan is being interviewed on The Young Turks, by Cenk Uygur, Michael Shure and John Iadarola)


CENK: Back on the Young Turks, live at the DNC. We have a special guest right now, we had him on the show at the RNC in Cleveland, and now we have him here again for the DNC. How? Because he’s a former Republican who has joined the Democratic Party over Trump. Ethan Donahue, welcome to The Young Turks.


ETHAN: Thanks for having me back on, Sink.


CENK: It’s Cenk.


ETHAN: Sorry.


CENK: Don’t sweat it, it’s a difficult name to pronounce. You know, I didn’t mention this last time we had you on, but I used to be a Republican too.


ETHAN: What made you leave?


CENK: Bush.


JOHN: I guess that begs the question, why was Bush not enough to make you leave, but Trump is?


ETHAN: Bush spent too much money and invaded Iraq, which in retrospect was a terrible mistake, but goddamnit, have I been dying to have a beer with him for the last sixteen years. Back in the day, I sent several letters to the White House about it.


CENK: Speaking of folksiness, what did you think of President Clinton’s speech last night?


ETHAN: Uh, President Clinton literally told him and Hillary’s life story. But they should’ve told Trump’s life story. Complete with dim lights, ominous background music and a flashlight shining on Bill’s face.


CENK: I agree, if they don’t start attacking Trump and attacking him hard, they’re going to lose.


MICHAEL: Do you think President Obama is going to do that tonight?


ETHAN: I hope so. I admit that, even when I was a Republican, Obama’s speeches occasionally made me tear up. The only problem is; how do you convert that speaking style into an indictment of Donald Trump?


JOHN: He could just do his White House Correspondent’s Dinner routine from 2011. That might literally win Hillary the election.


CENK: What did you think of Tim Kaine’s speech by the way?


ETHAN: Tim Kaine…um, Tim Kaine could make a decent PowerPoint presenter. (Cenk, John and Michael chuckle. Ethan gets a phone call) Excuse me, a number I don’t recognize is calling, so I have to take this.


CENK: Seriously, man?


(Ethan leaves the set)


JOHN: Is that guy gonna leave every time we have him on?


(Cut to Ethan walking around the press tent on his cell phone)


ETHAN: Ryan?


(Cut to Ryan on an old payphone by the side of the road. Catherine is standing nearby)


RYAN: Dad?


ETHAN: What is it? I’m at the DNC in Philly right now.


RYAN: I know. I just had a question. First of all, if you see Bernie Sanders, tell him I love him. With every fiber of my being.


ETHAN: I haven’t seen him. I tapped an old Jew on the shoulder in a Philly bar last night thinking it was him, but it turned out to be Michael Bloomberg.


RYAN: They don’t look similar.


ETHAN: Ryan, why is it you called?


RYAN: Are you being considered for a job in the U.S. Government?


(Ethan furrows his brow)


ETHAN: No. Why do you ask?


RYAN: Because some asshole broke into Catherine’s farmhouse, and he claimed he was doing a background check on your family members because you were being considered for a Federal job.


ETHAN: Manafort.


RYAN: What?


(Ethan shakes his fist in the sky)




RYAN: What are you saying right now?!


ETHAN: Is he still there?


RYAN: No, he escaped out the back door.


ETHAN: I’m gonna have to call you back later, Ryan.


RYAN: Wha-


(Ethan hangs up. He then walks the other direction and runs into Nelson)


NELSON: I’ve felt really left out during this trip.


ETHAN: Nelson! Just the man I wanted to use! I mean, see!


NELSON: It’s too late, man.


ETHAN: Manafort sent his goons to spy on my son and his girlfriend. They’re trying to blackball me.


NELSON: Well, they forgot two things.


ETHAN: What?


NELSON: Your black balls.


ETHAN: …I don’t have-


NELSON: Man, you will never do well with the youth vote. Alright, if he’s trying to blackball you, call him and tell him to cut it out.


ETHAN: The Hillary method?


NELSON: Threaten legal action, do what you can.


ETHAN: It’s “he said, she said”. But it certainly wouldn’t hurt to stand up to him.


(Ethan takes out his phone and dials a number. Cut to Paul Manafort speaking with Donald Trump in his private jet)


PAUL: Listen, Donald, all I’m saying is, it’s probably not the best idea to encourage Russia to steal Hillary’s emails.


DONALD: Why? They’re clearly out there somewhere!


PAUL: But Donald, that’s espionage. You’re encouraging a foreign country to commit espionage against an American politician.


DONALD: Listen, this I can tell you, I beat seventeen candidates and now I’m beating her, you look at the polls, I’m up five, six, as high as seven points and I’m beating her. And, believe me-


PAUL: Donald, Donald, I’m not interviewing you right now, just speak normally.


DONALD: This is the only way I know how to speak anymore.


PAUL: Just tell the press you were joking, and lay off Twitter for like five minutes, don’t make me take your iPad away. (Paul gets a call) Sorry, Don, I gotta take this. (Paul walks into the back of the jet) Did you change your mind?


ETHAN: (On the phone) Paul, stay the FUCK away from my kids!


PAUL: What are you talking about? I don’t know anything about your kids. Or their favorite bands. And hopes and dreams.


ETHAN: Paul, I know you’re trying to blackball me but you won’t find shit! And I’m not gonna work for your Orange Nazi’s Administration!! No matter what you try to dangle in front of me!

PAUL: Well…I guess I’ll have to go to Plan B.


ETHAN: And what’s that, pray tell?


PAUL: I’ll call you back, Ethan.


(Paul hangs up. He then calls someone else. Cut to the desk of Russian President Vladimir Putin. A phone rings atop it. President Putin picks up the phone)


PRESIDENT PUTIN: ?????????????


PAUL: Mr. President, it’s Paul.


PRESIDENT PUTIN: Damnit, Paul, you know my English isn’t great. Did you not start the Rosetta Stone I sent you?


PAUL: ? ?????? ???????.


(SUBTITLES: I did a little)


PRESIDENT PUTIN: I’m giving you more homework for tomorrow. Anyway, what do you need?


PAUL: Donahue wised up.


PRESIDENT PUTIN: Simple English, please.


PAUL: Sorry. Uh, Donahue found out that we were trying to blackmail him.




PAUL: He says there’s no way he’s going to join the Trump Administration, no matter what we dangle in front of him.


PRESIDENT PUTIN: Even the fact he fuck dog?


PAUL: I don’t think he did, Vladimir.


PRESIDENT PUTIN: I know, that’s just an old Russian politics trick.


PAUL: So, do I pull out the big guns?


PRESIDENT PUTIN: Yes. Tell him I gave him asylum in my country out of the goodness of my black heart. And he needs to return the favor.


PAUL: Yes, Mr. President.




PAUL: Yes, sir?


PRESIDENT PUTIN: You can guarantee that Trump will recognize our seizure of Crimea?


PAUL: Yes, sir, absolutely. We already had the Republican platform changed to remove any references to arming anti-Russian Ukrainian forces.


PRESIDENT PUTIN: And you can guarantee that NATO won’t meddle in my domination of Eastern Europe?


PAUL: You can bet the farm on it.


PRESIDENT PUTIN: I don’t have a farm.


PAUL: Just-it’s an English thing, just ignore it.


PRESIDENT PUTIN: I don’t want a farm, either.


(Cut to Ethan and Fiona on the floor of the DNC while President Obama is speaking)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: America is already great! (Cheering) America is already strong! And I promise you, our strength, our greatness, does not depend on Donald Trump! In fact, it doesn’t depend on any one person. And that, in the end, may be the biggest difference in this election. The meaning of our Democracy. Ronald Reagan called America “a shining city on a hill”. Donald Trump calls it a divi- a divided crime scene, that only he can fix. It doesn’t matter to him that illegal immigration and the crime rate are as low as they’ve been in decades. (Cheering) Because he’s not actually offering any real solutions to those issues. He’s just offering slogans. And he’s offering fear. He’s betting that if he scares enough people, he might, score just enough votes to win this election. (People boo) And that’s another bet that Donald Trump will lose. (Applause) And the reason he’ll lose it, is because he’s selling the American people short. We’re not a fragile people. We’re not a frightful people. Our power doesn’t come from some self-declared savior promising that he alone can restore order as long as we do things his way, we don’t look to be ruled! (Cheers and applause) Our power, our power comes from those immortal declarations first put to paper right here in Philadelphia all those years ago- WE hold these truths to be self-evident, that ALL men are created equal, that WE the people, can form a more perfect union! (Applause and cheering) THAT’S who we are! THAT’S our birthright! The capacity to shape our OWN destiny!


ETHAN: Man, why did I hate this guy for so long?


FIONA: Obamacare and…


ETHAN: Obamacare, I think that was it.


FIONA: Yeah.


(Ethan gets a call)


ETHAN: Shit. I have to take this.


FIONA: The President’s speaking!

ETHAN: He’s a socialist, whatever, I’ll be back. (Ethan leaves the arena, and goes into the hallway outside) Paul?


PAUL: Putin wants you to work for Trump’s commerce department to promote Russian business interests in the United States. He says you owe it to him because Putin granted you asylum.


ETHAN: Hold on, hold on, holy shit, I know Trump said the Russians should hack Hillary, but are you telling me the Trump Campaign is literally taking orders from the Kremlin? Is he the Manchurian candidate?!


PAUL: I can neither confirm nor deny that.


ETHAN: You know I’ll tell the press about this.


(Cut to Paul standing on a dock overlooking a lake, at night)


PAUL: There’s no proof. Because this conversation never happened. (Paul throws his phone in the lake as he laughs, but then stops laughing suddenly) Oh SHIT, I had some pictures on there I should’ve backed up.


(Cut back to Ethan hanging up his phone)


ETHAN: Jesus Christ. Putin is after me.


(Cut to Ethan and Anella sitting in the back of Anella’s car later that night)


ANELLA: What’s got you troubled?


ETHAN: Oh, nothing…it’s just that Putin is threatening me to take a job with the Trump administration or else.


ANELLA: What?!


ETHAN: Don’t worry, Anella, I’m not gonna take it. But I don’t know what the consequences of that decision are.


ANELLA: My motto is, never worry about consequences.


ETHAN: Oh, to be young again. In fact, go ahead, blow me so I feel young again. (Anella unzips Ethan’s pants and starts blowing him) Oh, and all of a sudden, it’s 1987 all over….


(Cut to the DNC stage the next day. It is empty)


DNC ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, former Republican and current Democratic candidate for city council in Hansbay, Vermont, Ethan Donahue.


(Ethan comes out on stage to very limited applause. He takes the podium. He looks at the crowd, and sees Fiona and Nelson giving him the thumbs-up. He then looks over at the Bernie or Bust crowd to see Anella miming slitting her own throat, as if to threaten Ethan)


ETHAN: Okay, then, hi everyone! I am Ethan Donahue. Most of you don’t know me. But I know a lot of you. I’ve been a Republican all my life, until May of this year, when Trump clinched the Republican nomination. (Applause) I could not stand to see the Party of Lincoln fall prey to race-baiting and misogyny…in such an overt manner. So I decided I was going to become a Democrat and vote for Hillary Clinton in November! (The crowd applauds, including Fiona and Nelson. But Anella is none too pleased) I disagree with Secretary Clinton on a number of key issues, so this was a difficult decision to make. Especially since I’ve been conditioned for years to think Secretary Clinton is a shrill, murderous psychopath. It got so bad, that every time I hear a fire alarm go off, I instinctively whisper the C-word to myself. But I’m far past that now. And I realize that despite my disagreements with Secretary Clinton, she is not Donald Trump. (Applause and cheering) And I think we can all agree on that! (Applause and cheering) But even before I became a Democrat, the Democratic Party has been good to me and my family. President Obama’s government rescued my son from terrorists four years ago, for which I am forever grateful. (Applause and cheering) Now if only they could save me from the Russian-never mind, anyway, in conclusion, we need a President who will destroy ISIS and… (Ethan sees Anella looking annoyed, and he clears his throat) let me just, make this one point. I have a lot of disagreements with Senator Bernie Sanders, but he is one of the most honest and genuine people that have ever run for the Presidency! (Massive applause, including from Anella) He has served my home state of Vermont well! And despite the fact that he is an un-American communist, if it was down to him and Trump, I would be FEELING THE BERN! (Applause and cheering) THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PHILADELPHIA! GOD BLESS YOU! AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!


(Ethan walks offstage, and goes backstage. Kareem Abdul Jabar walks past him, onto the stage. Ethan runs into Khizr and Ghazala Khan)


ETHAN: Good luck following that, you guys.


(Ethan laughs)


KHIZR: (Pakistani accent) I will try my utmost.


(Cut to Ethan walking past the Bernie delegation, before Anella stops him)


ANELLA: Hey, where are you going? That speech was great.


ETHAN: Thanks, but I don’t know if Fiona should see me talking to you.


ANELLA: You’re not allowed to have friends? Your relationship is very suppressive.


ETHAN: I like it like that. Too much openness and suddenly you find yourself addressing the problem head-on.


ANELLA: How am I gonna see you when you leave Philly?


ETHAN: Where do you live?


ANELLA: Wherever.


ETHAN: So you’re homeless?




ETHAN: Okay. Be homeless in Hansbay, Vermont. Now I have to stop talking to you before the Russians see us.


(Ethan walks away)


ANELLA: Wow, that sounds super paranoid. And I’m a 9/11 Truther.


(Zoom out a little bit to reveal Pat sitting in a chair near where Ethan and Anella were just talking. He is wearing a straw convention hat and holding a recording device)


PAT: ???????, ???????.


(SUBTITLES: Got you, motherfucker)


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson on the floor of the DNC as Secretary Clinton gives her nomination acceptance speech)


SECRETARY CLINTON: And, I want to thank Bernie Sanders.


(Uproarious applause as the jumbo screens show a stoic Bernie Sanders sitting in the balcony of the arena with his wife Jane)


ETHAN: Why does Bernie look…like that?


NELSON: It’s like marrying your friend’s ex and then giving him a toast at the reception. It’s not gonna be fun for him.


SECRETARY CLINTON: Bernie. Bernie, your campaign inspired millions of Americans, particularly the young people who threw their hearts and souls into our primary. You put economic and social justice issues front and center, where they belong. And to all of your supporters, here, and around the country- (Cut to Ryan watching Secretary Clinton’s speech on his laptop in Catherine’s living room) I want you to know, I’ve heard you. Your cause is OUR cause.


(Applause and cheering)


RYAN: Do you see this, Catherine? (Catherine comes over) Does anybody actually believe that shit?


CATHERINE: Of course not, I mean, Bernie clearly doesn’t. It looks like he’s having a severe resting bitch face attack.


(Cut to Kimberly and Luke watching the speech from their living room)


SECRETARY CLINTON: I believe our economy isn’t working the way it should, because our democracy isn’t working the way IT should. (Cheering) That’s why we need to appoint Supreme Court justices who will get money out of politics- (uproarious applause) and expand voting rights, not restrict them!


KIMBERLY: Will THAT get the Sanders people to vote for her?


LUKE: Nope. They don’t trust her.


KIMBERLY: Well, damn it, they’re just gonna have to get more people to yell at them on Twitter if we wanna seal this deal.


(Cut to Jacob sleeping on the couch at Fort Devens’ common room while Secretary Clinton’s speech plays on TV)


SECRETARY CLINTON: America’s strength doesn’t come from lashing out, it relies on smarts, judgment, cool resolve and the precise and strategic application of power, and that’s the kind of commander-in-chief I pledge to be. (Cut back to Ryan and Catherine watching the speech) Now at first, now at first, I admit, I couldn’t believe he meant it either. It was just too hard to fathom, that someone who wants to lead our nation could say those things! Could be like that! But here’s the sad truth. There is no other Donald Trump. This, is it.


RYAN: Damn. Gotta give the girl credit on that one.


(Cut back to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson on the floor of the DNC)


SECRETARY CLINTON: THAT is the story of America. And we begin a new chapter tonight. Yes, the world is watching what we do! Yes, America’s destiny is ours to choose! So let’s be stronger together my fellow Americans! (Uproarious applause) Let’s look to the future with courage and confidence! Let’s build a better tomorrow for our beloved children and our beloved country! And when we do, America will be greater than ever! Thank you! And may God bless you, and the United States of America!


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson applauding as Katy Perry blares from the speakers. Secretary Clinton waves to the crowd, and soon after Senator Kaine joins her on stage)





ETHAN: NOT REALLY! (President Clinton joins Secretary Clinton onstage and hugs her. Senator Kaine’s wife rushes on stage to hug and kiss him as well. Then, balloons are dropped onto the stage and into the audience. Ethan and Fiona kiss as the balloons rain onto the audience. Ethan then volleys one of the balloons, and Fiona goes to follow it, and momentarily, Ethan loses both Fiona and Nelson in the pure volume of balloons) FIONA!? (Ethan wades through the balloons and eventually finds Anella) ANELLA! What are you doing over here? (Anella kisses Ethan, but Ethan pulls away after two seconds) Anella, my wife could be anywhere!


ANELLA: I know! That’s what makes it so thrilling!


(Fiona walks over)


FIONA: Sorry, I got distracted because Bill Clinton was trying to ride one of the huge bouncy balls! But now I’m back! Who’s this?


(Ethan and Anella look at one another. Cut to black)



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