Late Night Thoughts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
The late night thoughts of one girl about one guy.

Submitted: August 14, 2016

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Submitted: August 14, 2016

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And here I am, late at night scrolling through your facebook looking for some sort of clue that you are interested in me. When we talk you make me feel special and wanted and you constantly talk about how you want to see me again and I’ll always reply that I cannot wait and that it will be so good to finally see you again. It’s the same thing every time, you want to see me, I get excited and then we talk and talk for hours on end, letting the time slip away from us like we are under some spell and staying that way until one of us falls asleep.

But here I am on this late night bored and alone and all I can think about is you, I see the pictures you ‘like’ and ‘love’ on facebook, the girls that are in them and what they look like, skinny, flat stomachs, long legs, long beautiful hair and perfect lips, so far from me, curvy and certainly not flat stomached, my thighs large and covered in scars of where they have tortured my skin by insisting on rubbing together, my lips are okay but smaller than I’d like them to be and my hair is untameable and puffy, how am I meant to compete with these girls? How am I ever going to live up to this and what you like? It’s strange really, how I can go from feeling like you actually wanted me and that I was something special, to feeling like this sad, insecure and used. Do you only talk to me purely for your entertainment, do you discuss me with your friends and all laugh at how gullible I am? I can hear them laughing at me now, “ha haa, and she seriously thinks you’re interested? That’s hilarious!” Silly me hey, thinking someone like you can actually be interested in someone like me, silly, gullible little me.

When I first met you I felt something in my heart, something that I just couldn’t explain and now it’s been 4 years I have known you and my heart has gone from beating fast, every so often ‘skipping a beat’ to now being broken and deflated like a balloon, filled my heart with so much love and hope to then burst it with a pin, metaphorically of course, but the pain I’m feeling is much worse and stabbing it with a pin would be kinder than this. The further I torture myself by scrolling through your facebook the more hurt I become and the more anger I start to feel, like water boiling in a pan ready to spill over and make a mess, “why me, was I that much of an easy victim?” I say, the words just spilling out of me, and me starting to become an uncontrollable mess, I lose it and all my insecurities and anxiety comes back forcing its way into my head, my demons, and it’s all your fault, my fault too, my fault for falling for you. I fell for the charm and the looks and the sweet talk, I fell for the façade you led me to believe was true.

Here I am, late at night, softly crying as my demons attack me planting dark thoughts in my head, thoughts that should not be in the mind of anyone, yet here they are, haunting me. Here I am, late at night and ready to give in to everything, finally having enough of being used, laughed at and led on by everyone I knew. I slam my laptop down and move away from it slowly, why me? Why me? I’m repeating in my head, my phone lights up and illuminates my face, ‘Hi you' it’s you, and all that has just happened is quickly forgiven and then we talk.


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