The Shoes Don't Fit

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 4 (v.1) - I'm a Puppet to Control

Submitted: September 11, 2016

Reads: 87

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Submitted: September 11, 2016

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I've always believed I'm a prince that never needed a knight for protection.

 

I felt that I was an indestructible wall that was never meant to be torn down.

 

That I was a capable human being who learned to fend for himself in his own harsh reality.

 

Never did I anticipate that I was a weak child. Terrified of facing my own fears. Of facing my own closeted monster.

 

I was too scared to admit my own defeat. A heavy pride weighs on me after all.

 

Yet, everyone seems to have the power to control my life. Everyone except me of course.

 

When Jackson arrived, my phone was already ringing off the hook by my mother. Word travels fast between parents. Somedays I wonder if this is even her concern. She ran away, after all, she has nothing to do with this fight. I set my phone on vibrate as I stared out the window. Of course, charming ol' Jackson attempted to make conversation with me. It could wait. I just wasn't in the mood tonight.

 

"You could at least give me the honor of a response sprout. From the way you sounded on the phone, I almost feared for my life. Are you going to murder me? I felt like you had the potential to do so. Are you that pissed off?" Jackson's questions were relentless. Did he know when to shut up? Let me rephrase that, was he even capable of silencing himself for more than thirty seconds at a time. I swear the only time he quiets himself is to inhale more oxygen before he's back at it. I gave a groan in response, causing him to awkwardly chuckle. I can be a real conversation killer when I want to be.

 

The vibration of the phone in my hand snapped my thoughts back into place. I stared intently at that name on the screen. Marcus. Well, fuck, how do I deal with him at a time like this? I can't. Hitting the off button, I turned my phone off completely. It wasn't that I was still mad at him for refusing my request. It was in the heat of the moment I decided to up my irritation. I just couldn't talk to him without a bubbling guilt in my stomach that I'm staying with his brother. What would he say? From what Lacy explained, not very nice things.

 

"How much farther?" My voice meek, dull. It didn't stop Jackson from looking almost shocked that I finally said something. Like he just saw the dead come back to life.

 

"We're close. I need to warn you that I don't have an extra room for any guests. If someone comes home with me, usually they stay in my bed. Either that or the couch." His voice seemed nervous. Why? I wouldn't judge him. It's better than the ground.

 

"I'll take the couch. As long as I'm provided pillows and blankets." He shrugged in agreement. As we pulled up to the apartment complex, he seemed to duck his head low. The place looked shabby, old, and simply uninviting. I followed him inside which was an improvement. Never judge a building by its outside appearance I suppose. It was quite cozy inside than it was out. We had to walk two flights of stairs before we reached his door number. 308. I'd need to remember that for later.

 

Jackson didn't look like much of an interior designer, but he made the tiny room have a certain unique style to it. His walls painted a dark blue with black and chestnut brown furniture to compliment it. Trims of white. I could already feel an overwhelming sense of home.

 

"Welcome to my humble abode. Are you thirsty? Do you want to discuss your daddy issues? I may not seem like it, I can listen well if given the opportunity," he said sweetly, trying to coax me out of my shell. Damn, it was working. He had a sweet tone to soothe. How often did this guy do this type of thing? One time too many it seemed.

 

"Have any beer?" Jackson's darkened brown orbs scanned my face to make sure I wasn't trying to be humorous. I was serious, I can assure you that.

 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm not sure I want to provide a minor a way to numb his problems. I mean, drinking away your anger or sorrows could only make it worse. I mean, you don't want to embarrass yourself in front of a guy you just met, right?"

 

"Get straight to the point Jackson. What you're trying to say, as gently as possible, is suck it up and get over it. Am I right?"

 

"No! No! that's not it at all! God, no. I would never say that when I've been through this same process. I'm no hypocrite kid." I shrugged, laying down on his black couch. Thankfully it was long enough to have my entire body on it without some of me falling off. Jackson took a seat on the floor face me. My eyes glided over the white ceiling, pretending to make it seem like I was interested.

 

"I'll make a deal Alex. If you talk about it with me and still want some alcohol to drown your sorrows, I'll bend. I want you to try and talk it out. I may know more than I seem." I turned my head to look at him. He really was a gorgeous guy. I couldn't help but wonder how we hadn't run into each other before. I mean, half of my life was spent at Mark's place. Unless this guy really was that much of a disgrace to be shoved out?

 

"I'm pitiful if I really need counseling from my best friend's brother." Apparently, Jackson found that little snide remark to be amusing because he actually laughed at it for a few solid minutes. Now that was annoying.

 

"Don't think of me as your best friend's brother. Marcus would hate it if you put it that way too. Think of it as a guy who shares the same troubles as you do, then some."

 

"Alright, I'll talk. You win. I don't know if my dad hates me, finds me to be a nuisance, wants to send me back to my crazy mother, or just can't accept that I'll never love a woman. His girlfriend can't stand me or my sexuality, claiming I'm the devil's spawn, and my dad never seems to defend me. My mother abandoned me as a child when she was caught cheating when she felt he wasn't given her enough attention. She just left me to the bastard. My best friend is clearly disappointed I slept with his so called sleaze-bag brother. Oh, I also don't remember losing my virginity to the guy in front of me. Does that work? Can I have a beer now?"

 

"No."

 

"Fuck, so you made me talk for now reason? Great guy, you are Jackson." His eyes narrowed at my hostility, flicking my forehead as I winced.

 

"My father had a son because he decided it was socially acceptable to being fucking two women at the same time. I was never accepted in the family, I was shoved out, unwanted. My mother didn't even want to take care of me, forcing me onto my father. My own half-brother finds me to be a walking curse. I'm frowned upon for taking consensual lovers into my bed for a night of play. Oh, and I was taken out of my father's will because Marcus cried about how terrible I was. We all have it hard Alex."

 

I flinched at his last comment. People had it worse than me. I could've been beaten or starved. I was just unsure of my place in that house or in my dad's eyes. I sighed, reached out and flicking his forehead as well. He laughed at my retaliation. His smile was so contagious. I just had to smile with him.

 

"I knew you weren't completely robotic. I almost thought alcohol was going to be the only way to make you let loose," he admitted, rubbing his chin dramatically as if he were in thought.

 

"Don't be stupid. I'm not as boring as you think. I've been told I'm a party animal to be around." His eyebrows raised in a suggestive way, causing me to cough at the door I opened.

 

"Oh, I think I know. I mean, I got to witness how much of an animal you can be first hand." I flicked his forehead again, causing him to wince. I felt my ears begin to burn.

 

I tried to change the topic to anything new besides this. This was too embarrassing. "You know, Marcus questioned when you liked guys? What was that even about?"

 

"Right. That. I don't like to label myself the way society wants me. I'm not gay, bi, or straight. I'm just Jackson. When I did start bringing my bed partners around, I, fortunately, was only caught with the women. I had many male partners too." He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, his answer serious for once.

 

"As long as they look good?" His dark brown eyes focused on my jade green ones, taking a moment of hesitation before he answered. Of course, he returned back to his playful state.

 

"Are you tooting your own horn? I mean, I can't disagree with that. My last pick up was a really good catch... er." I felt an annoyance come out as I smacked his arm. Sadly I had to reach causing myself to tumble off the couch. I hit him which was mission accomplished. I sat up, rubbing the arm that I fell on with my weight. Our legs were only inches apart now, a distance closed again.

 

"I'm being serious. I want a real answer, not ridiculous jokes." He snorted at my comment. I was being just as ridiculous. He had the immaturity of a prepubescent child. There was no way he could be serious.

 

"I was being serious. You are good looking and you probably were fun to play around with." I raised my hand again, making him put up his own hands in surrender. "You got me, detective. Don't use force as an interrogation tactic. It’s partially looks, but I really craved having a warmth in my bed. I didn't want to feel loved or nurtured. I just enjoyed company through a cold night. Is that such a crime?"

 

I shook my head, unsure what to feel. I couldn't deny that I lumped him into the stereotypical background of taking lovers to feel a certain attachment he lacked. I was too quick to judge him. Shame on me.

 

"Can I ask a question since you bombarded me with so many?" I shrugged, which he took as a yes because he didn't stop. "Do you think you would ever sleep with me again? Except for this time, we wouldn't be influenced by the heat of the alcohol."

 

My eyes widened slightly in shock. How could anyone be so blunt and direct? Somedays I really couldn't stand straightforward personalities. It took me minutes to answer, which also felt like passing hours. Jackson was patient as he awaited my answer. "I don't think I would. No. I would stop it as soon as it started."

 

"Can I ask you why? Don't answer unless you feel comfortable of course. I'd hate to push you over your limit." He gave a gentle smile, one that made me ache.

 

"I mean, I promised Marcus I wouldn't do that with you anymore. My dad was so disappointed. Lacy wasn't happy..."

 

"What about you? Those are everyone else's reasons. What about yourself? Why would you say no?" I was confused. Did I just refuse him because of other people's emotions? I did.

 

"Because... I don't know. I don't have any good reasons for myself," I said in a whisper. My head drooped as I felt the shame rising up. I knew I was a pushover with people, I always had been. It was so easy to manipulate my feelings. To manipulate me.

 

"You really need to get a mind for yourself. Sure, you should be given helpful advice and guidance... Just don't let people control you. Trust me, the ending outcome is never pretty. I would know."

 

"How? How do I figure out what I want to do for myself when I don't even know what I want anymore? I've always let people push me around."

 

"I can't say for you, kid. If I tell you what to do then I'll be no better than the other people who take advantage of your weaknesses." Jackson stood up after quickly ruffling my hair. What was I even doing here? What was I doing with my life? Was I really that much of a pushover? "I'm going to go get your blankets and pillows. I'll be back."

 

Jackson walked off as I continued to stare blankly at nothing. I started to seriously think about the question of sleeping with Jackson again. It was silly to make a big deal out it, yet it showed how much of a puppet I was becoming.


"What do I even want to do? I think I would've said yes."


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