The Donahues Episode 251

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Jacob deploys to Afghanistan, much to the dismay of Kimberly, Madeline, Renee and Ryan. In Afghanistan, Jacob and Renzi settle a local dispute between village children. Meanwhile, Ethan returns to his work at Sanford-Donahue Vending, but is extremely bored by the work, and increasingly steps out for rendezvous with Anella. Ryan and Catherine integrate back into society and Ryan applies for a job at Panera Bread and Catherine applies for a job at a library.

Submitted: August 16, 2016

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Submitted: August 16, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“HEAVEN”

 

TV-MA DLSV

 

“Yankee detectives are always on TV, because killers in America work seven days a week. Never mind the stars and stripes, let’s print the Watergate Tapes. I’ll salute the New Wave and hope nobody escapes”

  • Joe Strummer

 

(We start with Kimberly, Luke, Renee, Ethan, Ryan and Madeline standing in front of the Donahue household, facing Jacob, who is in his Army uniform. Kimberly is crying and Renee is holding Kyle in her arms. Jacob is wearing a U.S. Army baseball cap)

 

KIMBERLY: WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?

 

LUKE: Shhh, Kimmy, he’s going to Afghanistan, remember?

 

KIMBERLY: BUT WHY!?

 

ETHAN: He wants to serve his country, Kim. And I commend him for it.

 

(Ethan puts his hand on Jacob’s shoulder)

 

JACOB: We’re going to win the war, dad.

 

ETHAN: Gonna win war!

 

RYAN: What is winning, in this situation?

 

ETHAN: Staying there forever.

 

RYAN: Got it.

 

(Renee starts crying)

 

RENEE: Oh, dang it, Mrs. Altmire, now you’ve got me crying…

 

(Jacob puts his hand on Renee’s shoulder)

 

LUKE: It looks like Kyle is remarkably resilient, though.

 

ETHAN: Get that baby out of here, it’s embarrassing itself.

 

LUKE: I swear; Trump has become a cartoon supervillain. “Use that baby to power our giant laser! I will shoot it at all the swing states where I’m not leading! Which is almost all of them!”

 

JACOB: So, I’m about to go to war.

 

LUKE: Right, sorry.

 

ETHAN: Serves you right for trying to joke around with me, limey brat.

 

KYLE: Limey.

 

(Everybody gasps and look at Kyle)

 

RENEE: Oh my God, did he just say-

 

JACOB: Limey. My son’s first word was “limey”.

 

KYLE: Limey.

 

ETHAN: Sorry about that.

 

JACOB: No. No, it’s just perfect.

 

(Jacob kisses Kyle, and kisses Renee. Jacob turns to his family as a Taxi arrives behind him)

 

KIMBERLY: Oh my God, this is really happening.

 

ETHAN: Kimmy, don’t worry, only four U.S. soldiers have died in Afghanistan so far this year.

 

KIMBERLY: THAT DOESN’T HELP!
 

ETHAN: Sorry.

 

MADELINE: Little brother. You be careful over there.

 

JACOB: Will do, big sis.

 

(Jacob and Madeline hug. Jacob then goes over to Ryan)

 

RYAN: Don’t die.

 

JACOB: I will try my best.

 

RYAN: And bring me back a young Afghani boy. We need extra help on Catherine’s farm.

 

JACOB: No, I will not do that.

 

RYAN: Okay. Good luck.

 

(Jacob and Ryan hug each other. Jacob goes over to Ethan)

 

ETHAN: Defeat the enemy. Shoot a couple of hajis in the head, and describe it in intricate detail in four years at the Republican National Convention.

 

JACOB: Request also denied.

 

ETHAN: Come here.

 

(Ethan and Jacob hug)

 

ETHAN: I’m proud of you.

 

(Jacob nods, and then goes over to his mom, who is still crying a little bit)

 

JACOB: I’ll just be on patrol, mom. Don’t worry about me.

 

KIMBERLY: Just shut up and hug me.

 

(Jacob hugs his mom. After a while, Kimberly kisses Jacob and he walks over to Renee and kisses her)

 

JACOB: I’ll send you a picture of the poppy fields, if I can.

 

RENEE: I’d like that.

 

RYAN: Send me some of the poppy byproduct, if you don’t mind.

 

JACOB: I mind. (Jacob kisses Kyle on the stomach) I’ll miss you, little squirt. Don’t literally forget I exist.

 

KYLE: Limey.

 

JACOB: That’s right, buddy.

 

(Jacob hugs Renee again)

 

RENEE: Be safe.

 

JACOB: Okay.

 

(Jacob waves goodbye and gets into the Taxi. The taxi drives away as the Donahue family waves goodbye. Cut to Jacob on a Troop transport helicopter over Afghanistan’s Kandahar province, sitting next to Private Renzi. The two men are staring forward with a frightened intensity)

 

PRIVATE RENZI: DO THEY ALLOW SMOKING ON THIS HELICOPTER?

 

JACOB: I DON’T THINK SO, RENZI!
 

PRIVATE RENZI: FUCK!

 

JACOB: WE’LL BE FINE!
 

PRIVATE RENZI: I KNOW THAT, ASSHOLE!
 

SOLDIER: WHERE ARE YOU TWO FROM?

 

JACOB: I’M FROM VERMONT AND HE’S FROM QUEENS-

 

PRIVATE RENZI: I’LL ANSWER FOR MYSELF, THANK YOU! I’M FROM QUEENS!
 

SOLDIER: OH, COOL, I’M FROM CAMDEN!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: THEN STOP TALKING TO ME! HOW IS THAT “COOL”?

 

SOLDIER: SAME COAST, YOU CAN’T DENY THAT!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: NO, I CERTAINLY CANNOT!
 

(Cut to the helicopter landing in the Kandahar Province, near a military base. The soldiers, including Jacob and Private Renzi, disembark the helicopter. A General walks up to them)

 

GENERAL: SOLDIERS! I AM GENERAL MAGARTHUR, DO YOU COPY?!

 

SOLDIERS: YES SIR!
 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: YOU ANSWER TO ME AND ME ALONE, DO YOU COPY!?

 

SOLDIERS: YES SIR!
 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: GOOD! NOW I HAVE THREE TASKS TO SPLIT AMONGST YOU!  (The troop transport helicopter flies away) At ease.

 

JACOB: So what are the tasks? Are there ancient treasures here somewhere?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Jesus, this guy.

 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Listen, two of you have to go and protect a market that’s been under the threat of Taliban attacks recently. Two of you have to go protect a poppy field, and two of you have to go find the ancient treasure of King Durrani.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Oh.

 

TWO SOLDIERS: DIBS ON TREASURE!
 

JACOB: DAMNIT!

 

JACOB AND PRIVATE RENZI: DIBS ON POPPY FIELD!
 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Sorry, that means you two have to go protect the market.

 

SOLDIER: Is it at least a fruit market?

 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: No. They sell goat skulls. As food. Not to mention the goat skulls are full of fish.

 

JACOB: So the inedible part is on the outside?

 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Just GO TO THE POPPY FIELD, SOLDIERS! IT’S FIVE YARDS AWAY, TO YOUR RIGHT!
 

PRIVATE RENZI: Yes sir.

 

JACOB: Yes sir.

 

(Jacob and Private Renzi start walking towards the poppy field)

 

PRIVATE RENZI: It’s hot as balls out here.

 

JACOB: We’re in Afghanistan, Renzi.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Why don’t we use some of that oil money and invest in a big fucking fan?

 

JACOB: Come on, Renzi, look on the bright side. This is our first mission. It’s exciting, right?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: We’re protecting a poppy field. I might as well be the night time security guard at an arboretum.

 

(Jacob and Private Renzi walk up to an opium farmer)

 

JACOB: Hello, we’re here to protect your poppy field.

 

(The poppy farmer smiles)

 

POPPY FARMER: ? ?? ???? ???? ?? ???? ??? ?? ?? ???

 

(SUBTITLES: “What is this daaaaamn honkey sayin’ to me?!”)

 

JACOB: Shit. What did he say?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: I don’t know, but I sensed a fair amount of sass in whatever it was. Which I don’t appreciate.

 

JACOB: What language do Afghanis speak anyway?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Shit, I don’t know!
 

JACOB: Look it up on your phone!!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: We’re in the middle of the goddamn Afghani desert, there’s no internet connection!

 

(The poppy farmer points to his poppy field)

 

POPPY FARMER: ??? ???? ??? ???? ???? ??????? ?? ? ??????? ???? ??????

 

JACOB: YES! Yes, we’re here to protect- (Jacob crosses his arms) right? Protect! (Jacob flexes his muscles) Protect, we’re here to- uhhh, proteger, uhh, tu-

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Speaking in Spanish is not gonna help.

 

POPPY FARMER: ?? ???? ????? ?? ??? ? ??????? ? ?????? ?? ?? ????? ??.

 

(The poppy farmer walks away)

 

JACOB: Oh, awesome! He’s cool with it. We caught a lucky break.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Let’s head in, I guess. (Jacob and Private Renzi head into the poppy field. They brandish their guns as they look around the deserted and mountainous terrain) …You know, this shit is really valuable.

 

JACOB: We’re not having that conversation.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: I’m just saying.

 

JACOB: Why are we protecting the drugs anyway?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: If we protect the drugs, then people don’t turn against the Ghani government.

 

JACOB: Shit, really?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Yep. I’ve read about this before.

 

JACOB: Well, shit. If only we lived in a country where it was politically popular to protect the drug industry.

 

(Cut to Ethan walking into the offices of Sanford-Donahue vending. The office is dim and seemingly empty)

 

ETHAN: …Hello? (Ethan continues walking for a bit, and looks into a dark, empty board room) Is anybody here?

 

NORMAN: (Muffled, in the distance) Ethan!?

 

ETHAN: Norman?

 

NORMAN: (Muffled) Ethan, is that you!?

 

ETHAN: Yes, come out here!

 

NORMAN: (Muffled) Come into my office! I can’t get away, there’s too much going on!
 

ETHAN: …Okay… (Ethan goes down the hall and walks into Norman’s office to see him sitting at a desk with no computer and no papers on it, in the dark) you couldn’t get away? Where the hell are the lights?

 

NORMAN: It’s super busy right now.

 

ETHAN: Where’s your computer? Where is anything!?

 

NORMAN: We had to sell a few things.

 

ETHAN: What!? I’ve only been gone for a few weeks, what the hell happened?!

 

NORMAN: I’m actually kind of incompetent when left to my own devices.

 

ETHAN: That’s amazingly honest.

 

NORMAN: You gotta take the reins back, hoss.

 

ETHAN: You know, I’m still running a campaign against Deters. I’ll have to take more time off.

 

NORMAN: You’re ten points behind Deters, man, give up! We need you here!
 

ETHAN: It’s better than how Trump is doing in Pennsylvania.

 

NORMAN: Sure, but not much better. And you didn’t just kick a baby out of your rally. And insult a gold star family. And ask why we can’t use nuclear weapons. And-

 

ETHAN: I get it. Trump does a lot of shitty things. And people aren’t supporting me because why?

 

NORMAN: You’re not emphasizing your business record enough. Grab your laptop, and let’s remake this company, eh?

 

(Norman smiles, pulls a shitty little lightbulb pull chain and the lights come back on in the whole building, and employees in the building start talking and moving around again, all of a sudden)

 

ETHAN: What the fuck…

 

(Norman hands Ethan a stack of paper work)

 

NORMAN: This is what you missed.

 

(Ethan takes the giant stack of paper work)

 

ETHAN: Great. See you at the 4 o’clock meeting.

 

(Ethan leaves the room, and accidentally runs into a co-worker holding a pile of paper work, and they both drop their paper work on the ground)

 

CO-WORKER: Oh my God-

 

ETHAN: I’m so sorry.

 

(Ethan starts picking up his papers, and the co-worker starts picking up his)

 

CO-WORKER: Shit, I don’t know whose is whose.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, I guess we’ll have to figure it out-

 

CO-WORKER: Actually, you’ve been gone a while, you can go ahead and do my stuff.

 

(The co-worker walks away)

 

ETHAN: What!? No-come on! (Cut to Ethan sitting in his office filling out paper work. He sighs and continues filling things out. He then looks at the news on his computer. “Rio Opening Ceremonies Tonight on NBC”. Ethan shakes his head) Hmm. (Ethan goes to YouTube and looks in subscriptions. The latest video to appear on his feed is a video from Anella called “Growing Your own Tofurkey”. Ethan smiles) Hmm…

 

(Ethan puts the video on. Anella is sitting in a computer room)

 

ANELLA: Hey guys. I just got back from Philly, and now I’m gonna teach you guys to grow tofu turkey in your very own backyard, or at least someone’s backyard. So all you need is some soy beans and a hole in the ground. Also, you need a 3-D Printer.

 

(Ethan sits back and watches Anella speak as her words become unintelligible to the viewer. He smiles and seems content. Then, Norman comes in)

 

NORMAN: Ethan?

 

(Ethan shoots up and pauses the video)

 

ETHAN: Oh, hey, what’s up?

 

NORMAN: You working on that paperwork?

 

ETHAN: You betcha.

 

NORMAN: Good. I want it on my desk by the end of the day.

 

ETHAN: So, what happened? Are you my boss now?

 

NORMAN: We made some slight changes around here. We all act like each other’s bosses.

 

ETHAN: That’s efficient.

 

(Norman winks)

 

NORMAN: Stay sexy, sugar tits.

 

(Norman walks way)

 

ETHAN: Yeah, I’M GOING TO HR!

 

(Ethan sits back and turns the YouTube video back on)

 

ANELLA: Okay, that’s it, guys. Hope you enjoyed this video. Rate and subscribe. Now I have to get out of this house before the owners come back. See ya.

 

(Anella turns off the camera and the video ends. Ethan smiles some more and then sighs)

 

ETHAN: Back to the grind. (Ethan starts filling out paper work again when he gets a call from Anella) Oh, thank God. (Ethan answers it) Hello?

 

ANELLA: (On the phone) Hey, where do you work? I need somewhere to sleep.

 

ETHAN: Do not come here, Anella. There’s already a prostitute here posing as a consultant. And it’s really obvious.

 

ANELLA: Are you calling me a prostitute?

 

ETHAN: No, but… (Ethan gets up and closes the door to his office) you’re my mistress.

 

ANELLA: Marriage is so outdated, but whatever. Where do you want me to meet you?

 

ETHAN: Pick a hotel.

 

ANELLA: Okay, I’ll you when I have a place.

 

ETHAN: Good.

 

(Ethan hangs up. Cut to Ethan walking down the hallway of a motel six. Ethan knocks on the door of 16A, and Anella opens up)

 

ANELLA: Get in here. (Anella pulls Ethan into the hotel room and closes the door behind Ethan. They get on the bed. The Rio Olympics Opening Ceremony Coverage is on TV in the room) Take me.

 

ETHAN: Can we turn this off?

 

ANELLA: Why? I love the Olympics.

 

ETHAN: Why would you of all people love the Olympics?

 

ANELLA: Because it shows women in strong roles.

 

ETHAN: Right now, it looks like it’s just a bunch of brightly-clad chicks dicking around.

 

ANELLA: Yeah, I don’t know if they actually practiced for these opening ceremonies.

 

ETHAN: It’s just that, the Olympics reminds me of Brian.

 

ANELLA: …Brian?

 

ETHAN: Listen, Brian Sarandon was my boss. During the 2012 Olympics, he pledged to bring the 2024 Games to Hansbay.

 

ANELLA: That shit will never happen.

 

ETHAN: That’s what I kept telling him! Ugh. Anyway, Brian took his own life eleven months ago.

 

ANELLA: Jesus, I’m so sorry.

 

ETHAN: It’s fine, we were very much at odds when he died, but…it still messed me up. Because, when I lived in Russia-

 

ANELLA: What? This is all new information-

 

ETHAN: I felt a suicidal weakness for the first time in my life. Sarandon’s death hit really close to home. And now the Olympics are on once again, and…I can’t stop thinking about it.

 

ANELLA: When did you live in Russia and why?

 

ETHAN: I won’t get into it, but… (Ethan looks at the camera) let’s just say I got more than I bargained for.

 

(Ethan smiles)

 

ANELLA: Weren’t you just admitting a suicidal weakness?

 

ETHAN: Turn the Olympics off please.

 

(Anella turns the TV off)

 

ANELLA: I’m sorry all that happened to you.

 

ETHAN: Brian was a complicated guy. And so are my sexual needs. So go ahead and put that WWE belt on.

 

ANELLA: Where is it?

 

ETHAN: It’s in my bag.

 

(Cut to Ryan sitting in a tiny office in the back room of a Panera Bread. The General Manager, who is named Parker, is wearing a green shirt reading “Panera Bread”, and is looking over Ryan’s application)

 

PARKER: Looks like you worked at Hot Topic from 2012 to 2013. And after that, you appear to have very little work experience. Why the gap in employment?

 

RYAN: Well, I was in High School, and then I went to college, and there was no drug test I was going to pass.

 

PARKER: Really?

 

RYAN: Yes, but worry not, that’s who I was then, this is who I am now. I’ve found Christ since then, check it. (Ryan reveals a neck tattoo of a cross that is clearly a temporary tattoo) That’s permanent ink.

 

PARKER: That looks like a temporary tattoo.

 

RYAN: Common misconception.

 

PARKER: Listen, are you available all week?

 

RYAN: Yeah.

 

PARKER: Then I don’t give a shit if you smoke weed or whatever. I know the DEA still considers it a Schedule I drug, but honestly, the last three Presidents have used it and they control nuclear weapons. I think you can handle bread.

 

RYAN: Thanks.

 

PARKER: You’re hired.

 

RYAN: Cool.

 

(Ryan and Parker shake hands)

 

PARKER: You have a very weak handshake.

 

RYAN: Yeah, I don’t grasp hands firmly when I don’t care about somebody.

 

(Cut to Catherine sitting in a back room at the Hansbay Public Library. A female librarian is interviewing her)

 

LIBRARIAN: Shhhhhh.

 

CATHERINE: (Whispering) I’m being quiet.

 

LIBRARIAN: (Whispering) It looks like you’ve been unemployed for some time.

 

CATHERINE: (Whispering) Well, I’ve been self-employed on a farm for a while. And I was also going to SUNY Plattsburgh.

 

LIBRARIAN: SUNY PLATTSBURGH!?

 

CATHERINE: (Whispering) Wow, you’re screaming.

 

LIBRARIAN: I went to Buffalo. We were arch-enemies with SUNY Plattsburgh.

 

CATHERINE: What? Come on, this isn’t a sitcom-

 

LIBRARIAN: SHHH! GET OUT!
 

(Cut to Ryan standing behind a register, wearing a Panera Bread uniform. Another employee, named Ravi, is standing beside him as a customer comes up to them)

 

RAVI: Say hi.

 

RYAN: Hey.

 

RAVI: Say “hi”.

 

RYAN: I think he gets it.

 

CUSTOMER: Man, it’s so HOT out there, I’m gonna need an ICE CREAM CONE!!

 

RAVI: Okay, calmly remind him we don’t serve ice cream here.

 

RYAN: Ravi, get the fuck out of here.

 

RAVI: Okay.

 

(Ravi walks away)

 

RYAN: Hey, man, we don’t sell ice cream here.

 

CUSTOMER: Then I just want one DE-DE-DELICIOUS smoothie with a damn cookie too!

 

RYAN: …Great. Anything else?

 

CUSTOMER: A damn ICE CREAM CONE!!

 

RYAN: Stop yelling at me. Please. (Ryan rings up the order) That’ll be 10.50.

 

(The customer takes out his debit card)

 

CUSTOMER: Better be good.

 

RYAN: Is this credit or debit?

 

CUSTOMER: Debit.

 

(The customer slides the card)

 

RYAN: You gotta use the chip here.

 

CUSTOMER: Oh, right. I keep forgetting.

 

(The customer sticks his card in the bottom slot of the machine and waits for a second)

 

RYAN: Should go through in a second.

 

CUSTOMER: Right.

 

(Cut to Ryan and Catherine sitting at the bar of a vegan restaurant in Plattsburgh)

 

RYAN: See, this is the kind of experience I miss from Plattsburgh. Vegan bars.

 

CATHERINE: You’re not a vegan, though…

 

RYAN: Yeah, but I like feeling better than others.

 

(The bar tender comes over)

 

BAR TENDER: Can I help you guys?

 

CATHERINE: Yes, I’ll have guacamole.

 

RYAN: And I’ll have a Bloody Mary.

 

BAR TENDER: You guys got it.

 

(The bartender starts making their orders)

 

CATHERINE: Bloody Mary?

 

RYAN: Remember, I don’t eat in front of others. And this is the closest thing to food I can think of without actually being food.

 

CATHERINE: Hmm. So how’s the job search?

 

RYAN: Yeah, I got one.

 

CATHERINE: Cool, I haven’t had any luck either-wait, what?!

 

RYAN: Yeah, I got a job at Panera Bread. I worked a shift, even.

 

CATHERINE: You already got a job?

 

RYAN: Yeah. They hired me on the spot and told me to start…breading.

 

CATHERINE: Damnit.

 

RYAN: Aren’t you happy for me?

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, but I’m also very pissed. In fact, I’m not really happy for you, I’m just pissed.

 

RYAN: Why? What happened with your job search?

 

CATHERINE: I was yelled out of the library. And then laughed out of Jamba Juice. JAMBA JUICE!
 

RYAN: But you have a degree. I don’t even have a degree.

 

CATHERINE: Things got so low, I applied to a Payless Shoesource.

 

RYAN: Come on, Catherine. You might as well get kidnapped and sold into sex slavery.

 

CATHERINE: I know.

 

(The bar tender puts a Bloody Mary and a bowl of guac before Ryan and Catherine)

 

BAR TENDER: Anything else, guys?

 

RYAN: No, thank you.

 

CATHERINE: I’ll have some chips, please.

 

BAR TENDER: You got it.

 

(The bar tender goes to get some chips)

 

CATHERINE: One thing I miss about Plattsburgh is how normal everybody is.

 

RYAN: I know! Back in Hansbay everybody was so fucking weird.

 

(Cut to Jacob and Private Renzi standing in an Afghani poppy field with their guns)

 

JACOB: …It’s fuckin’ hot.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: I swear, if you say that one more time.

 

JACOB: I’m just saying, the honor of fighting for my country is one thing. But I can’t get a fan?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Just keep your ears open for when the real shit goes down.

 

CHILD: (Off camera) ???? ???????! ???? ? ??? ?? ??!

 

(SUBTITLES: “You liar! You did not touch me!”)

 

(Private Renzi points his gun to the right)

 

PRIVATE RENZI: What’s going on!?

 

JACOB: Put your fucking gun down, it’s just some kids playing!
 

(Private Renzi puts his gun down)

 

PRIVATE RENZI: For now it is.

 

JACOB: Jesus, you are a dangerous bastard.

 

(Cut to the children arguing, with a few other Afghani children looking on)

 

CHILD 2: ?? ??? ????? ??????? ?? ????! ???? ??????? ?? ??? ? ???? ? ??????? ??!

 

(SUBTITLES: “I tagged you, fair and square! You know, my dad is in the Taliban!”)

 

CHILD: ??? ??? ? ???? ?? ???? ??????? ??!

 

(SUBTITLES: “Well, my dad is in the SUPER Taliban!”)

 

CHILD 2: ??? ??!

 

(SUBTITLES: “Shut up!”)

 

(They both start fighting and punching each other. Cut to Jacob and Renzi)

 

JACOB: Alright, we gotta do something here.

 

(Jacob and Renzi run over to the children and pull them apart)

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Alright, that’s enough you little shits.

 

(The child kicks and screams in Jacob’s arms)

 

CHILD 2: ????? ??! ???? ????! ??? ????? ?????!

 

(SUBTITLES: HE LIED! BEFORE ALLAH! LET ME AT HIM!”)

 

JACOB: ENOUGH! (They calm down and just stare at each other) Now what’s the problem here?!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Jacob, I’m sure they don’t speak English-

 

CHILD 2: (Afghani accent) He said I didn’t tag him, but I did!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Oh.

 

JACOB: Tag him?

 

CHILD 2: Yeah, we were playing Aaqab and Belqis was a pigeon and I totally pecked at him!

 

BELQIS: Samadi’s a liar!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: What is this game? Is it like tag?

 

SAMADI: Not at all! One guy is the Eagle, and he has to tag all the pigeons. If you get tagged, you’re out.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Okay, so like tag.

 

BELQIS: Don’t compare it to tag if you want to live.

 

JACOB: Let’s hear Belqis’ side of the story.

 

BELQIS: Okay, so I was running around being a pigeon, when Samadi ran over and tried to tag me, but he FAILED AT IT!
 

PRIVATE RENZI: I feel like we should get an unbiased third party to comment. Anyone? What about you, the kid in the nice glasses? Where’d you get those things?

 

(Pan over to an Afghani kid wearing Armani eyeglasses)

 

AFGHANI KID: (Rich, radio-ready American accent) My name is Emal, and what I saw was-

 

PRIVATE RENZI: How do you sound like Ira Glass?

 

EMAL: I saw Samadi tag Belqis. Okay? And some of us pigeons are tired of your bickering.

 

JACOB: Okay, so Emal saw you get tagged, Belqis. Maybe you should sit this round out. Come back in the next round maybe!
 

BELQIS: NO! I WANT TO PLAY NOW!!!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: How about this?! NO ONE gets to play Arab Pigeon Tag or whatever! How about we contact your parents!?

 

BELQIS: You don’t want to do that.

 

JACOB: Believe them.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: I’ll believe it when I see the ruler in their hand to beat your asses!

 

SAMADI: You guys suck at being conflict mediators!
 

(The kids start chanting “yeah” and “you suck” and “screw off Yankees”)

 

JACOB: Guys, I have a solution. You guys don’t like Samadi and Belqis bickering? Then have them both leave the game. And let Renzi and I play.

 

(The kids start expressing their approval amongst each other)

 

BELQIS: What the hell?! I thought you guys were my boys!

 

EMAL: Not when you’re being a pussy bitch! I mean, you didn’t even make that girl marry you last week!
 

BELQIS: I got nervous!
 

PRIVATE RENZI: Move along, you two. That’s order of the United States Military.

 

(Belqis and Samadi sigh and walk away)

 

JACOB: Alright, you guys ready to play?

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Jacob, I don’t think we should be playing tag with Afghani school children.

 

JACOB: Come on, Renzi, you never have any fun.

 

(They hear the sounds of an igniting flame. They turn around and point their guns to see the Poppy Field has been set on fire)

 

PRIVATE RENZI: FUCK!

 

(They run over to the blaze. They see an assailant running away in the distance. Private Renzi aims his weapon)

 

JACOB: RENZI, DON’T!
 

PRIVATE RENZI: WHY NOT!? He just set the field on fire!
 

JACOB: I don’t know, just-

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Goddamnit. (Private Renzi lowers his weapon) You made me hesitate and lose him.

 

(Jacob and Private Renzi turn around to watch the poppy field fire spread. The poppy farmer comes over, distraught)

 

POPPY FARMER: ?? ????! ???? ??????? ??? ?? ? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ?????! ???? ???? ???? !!

 

(SUBTITLES: “What happened?! You dumb asses could not protect my poppy field for shit! How dare you!!”)

 

JACOB: My God, I’m so sorry, sir, but we need something or someone to put out this fire!

 

(Emal comes over to the Poppy Farmer)

 

EMAL: (Still in rich, radio-ready American accent) ??? ??? ?? ??? ??? ?? ? ???? ? ?? ???.

 

(SUBTITLES: “Dad, he is saying to get a bucket of water”)

 

POPPY FARMER: ??? ??? ?? ? ???? ??? ??? ?? ?????? ??? ???.

 

(The poppy farmer starts to walk to his shed, but a Drone flies overhead and destroys the shed before his eyes)

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Seriously?!

 

(The poppy farmer gets on his knees and screams)

 

POPPY FARMER: ???? ???? ???? ????

 

JACOB: Let’s get the hell out of here.

 

PRIVATE RENZI: Agreed.

 

(Jacob and Private Renzi run away. Cut to Ethan walking out of the Sullivan Hotel, where he met Anella. Patrick White walks up to him)

 

ETHAN: Patrick?

 

PATRICK: Hey Ethan. I’m with the Hansbay Quintessential now. That’s right, I have a job in news again.

 

ETHAN: Good for you, man.

 

PATRICK: Question one.

 

ETHAN: Okay.

 

PATRICK: What are your thoughts on Donald Trump’s comments about the Khan Family?

 

ETHAN: They’re despicable. You know, maybe if Donald Trump wasn’t too busy attending orgies to go to Vietnam, he would understand sacrifice. My son is serving in Afghanistan right now. No one who has such little respect for the families of armed service members deserves the Oval Office.

 

PATRICK: Okay, good, now for the question I really want to ask. There are rumors going around that you’re cheating on your wife Fiona Cadbury. Am I pronouncing that right?

 

ETHAN: Yes, you are, Patrick. I’m not gonna justify a tabloid rumor with a response.

 

PATRICK: What were you doing in this hotel? In your own town?

 

ETHAN: I was just, enjoying their continental breakfast for my lunch break.

 

PATRICK: Without having gotten a room?

 

ETHAN: Yes.

 

PATRICK: Well, that’s a scandal within itself. Stolen breakfast.

 

ETHAN: Goodbye, Patrick.

 

(Ethan starts to walk away)

 

PATRICK: THE BREAKFAST IS FOR GUESTS ONLY, DONAHUE!! (Ethan gets into his car. Patrick makes a call on his phone) Hey, Paul. I’m gonna search the hotel for mistresses.

 

PAUL: (On the phone) You don’t have to tell me everything you’re doing, man.

 

PATRICK: I just feel so badass.

 

PAUL: Goodbye.

 

(Paul hangs up and Patrick puts his phone away. Patrick heads into the hotel. Cut to Ethan the following Wednesday, returning to his apartment. He sits down on the couch, sighs and turns the TV on to local news)

 

RICHARD STOVALL: Yesterday, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump once again ignited controversy when he suggested that if Hillary Clinton was elected, “the second amendment people” could “do something about” Mrs. Clinton to prevent her from appointing judges.

 

ETHAN: Jesus Fucking Christ!

 

RICHARD STOVALL: Darrel Vickers, a Trump supporter who sat behind Mr. Trump when he made the statement in question, had this to say when he spoke to CNN.

 

(Cut to Darrel Vickers on CNN)

 

DARREL: Down here in the South, we don’t curse in front of women, we don’t drink liquor in front of the preacher, and we don’t make jokes like that in public.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, well, I bet downing liquor in front of a preacher will be Trump’s next huge gaffe.

 

(Cut back to Richard Stovall)

 

RICHARD: The campaign has denied that he was implying that Hillary Clinton could be assassinated, even though that’s what he was doing, and no high-profile Republicans have revoked their support of the mentally ill Republican Presidential nominee as a result.

 

ETHAN: Fucking cowards, man. You don’t joke about murdering political opponents when you’re running for President, you just don’t. What does Trump have to do to lose endorsements? Shoot a Panda Bear on stage with an antique Nazi pistol?

 

RICHARD: Breaking News, another Trump gaffe. Mr. Trump has reportedly offended the delicate sensibilities of a woman by swearing a curse in front of her. More on that later.

 

QUINN PORTER: But now, local news. City Council candidate Ethan Donahue has been plagued by rumors of an affair.

 

ETHAN: Jesus.

 

QUINN: According to numerous sources, Mr. Donahue may be cheating on his wife Fiona Cadbury with someone, somewhere.

 

(Fiona comes in, brushing her teeth. Ethan changes the channel to the Olympics)

 

FIONA: (Muffled) How was work, baby?

 

ETHAN: It was good, babe. We sold a lot of…vending machines.

 

FIONA: (Muffled) Good. (Fiona walks into the bathroom, spits, and then walks out) How are the polls looking?

 

ETHAN: We’re the underdogs. Deters is ahead by eight.

 

FIONA: Well, people will see Deters for who he really is soon enough.

 

(Fiona sits next to Ethan)

 

ETHAN: Listen, babe. If you hear any rumors about me…it’s the Russians.

 

(Fiona looks at Ethan)

 

FIONA: What?

 

ETHAN: There’s a bullshit rumor going around about me. And the Russians are spreading it.

 

FIONA: What’s the rumor?

 

ETHAN: That I’m cheating on you.

 

FIONA: With who?

 

ETHAN: I don’t even know, they haven’t been specific. And that’s because the person doesn’t exist.

 

FIONA: So, it’s like, Marvin The Martian?

 

ETHAN: Weird example, but sure, a person that doesn’t exist. Manafort is trying to smear me so I lose the race. He’s being a petty little prick.

 

FIONA: Well, you know…I’ve always kind of been into it.

 

ETHAN: Into what?

 

FIONA: The idea of a third party in our relationship.

 

(Ethan furrows his brow)

 

ETHAN: For real?

 

FIONA: If you had someone on the side, I’d want to meet them. Intimately.

 

ETHAN: …Is that something you’d want?

 

FIONA: Definitely.

 

ETHAN: …I’ll see if I can find someone. (Ethan gets up and walks into the next room. He whispers this next line) Oh, this is perfect.

 

(Cut to Patrick sitting next to Anella at the bar of the Hotel where she met Ethan)

 

PATRICK: Are you here on business?

 

ANELLA: I don’t believe in business. It hurts people.

 

PATRICK: Then why are you here?

 

ANELLA: I’m without a permanent home.

 

PATRICK: Around here, we call that “homeless”.

 

ANELLA: I don’t put labels on people, like you carmies do.

 

PATRICK: You know, that’s a label.

 

ANELLA: Go bother someone else, capitalist.

 

PATRICK: How did you afford this hotel if you’re homeless? This is a pretty expensive place.

 

ANELLA: Maybe my rich daddy bought it for me, like your rich daddy gave you everything you have.

 

PATRICK: Is your rich daddy’s name Ethan Donahue by any chance? (Anella stands up and walks away) So, that’s a yes.

 

(Cut to Catherine sitting in her apartment, watching the news on TV)

 

QUINN PORTER: Donald Trump’s poll numbers nationally, and in almost all swing states, look really bad. In addition, certain polls have him behind in Arizona and even Georgia. Some are questioning how Mr. Trump could possibly win the Presidency after he criticized the Khan Family and repeatedly insisted that President Obama and Hillary Clinton are the co-founders of ISIS.

 

RICHARD STOVALL: Just to be clear though, we’re not saying President Obama and Secretary Clinton didn’t found ISIS, we don’t want to be biased.

 

QUINN: No, we are saying that, they didn’t.

 

RICHARD: You’re biased! Get her OUT OF HERE!!!!

 

(A cane pulls Quinn off stage)

 

QUINN: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

 

RICHARD: Due to Mr. Trump’s terrible poll numbers, he is beginning to sound fatalistic about his chances of victory. He claimed recently that the election might be “rigged”, although the only person who seems to be rigging it is Mr. Trump himself. He also said recently he will “never forgive” voters in swing states if they don’t vote for him. It explains his new campaign slogan, “Trump/Pence 2016- This is All Your Fault”.

 

(Catherine changes the channel to the Olympics, where athletes are lining up for the 200 meter qualifying sprint. Catherine squints her eyes)

 

CATHERINE: …Is that T-Pain’s welsh step brother? (Ryan comes into the apartment. Ryan hangs up his Panera Bread hat and apron and sighs. He goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge) Hello, boyfriend.

 

RYAN: Hey.

 

(Ryan takes a Monster out of the fridge and walks into the living room. He sits down on the LA-Z Boy)

 

CATHERINE: How was work?

 

(Ryan cracks open the Monster and sips it)

 

RYAN: Fine.

 

CATHERINE: …Anything happen?

 

RYAN: No.

 

CATHERINE: …Okay.

 

RYAN: Is this that Simone Biles girl?

 

CATHERINE: No, that’s a gymnast.

 

RYAN: Oh, okay. Did you find a job?

 

CATHERINE: Nope.

 

RYAN: Hmm. (Ryan sips his Monster) Did you clean the bathroom?

 

CATHERINE: No.

 

RYAN: Hm.

 

CATHERINE: Why don’t you do it?

 

RYAN: Because I just had a stressful day at work, Catherine!

 

CATHERINE: OH YEAH, YOUR JOB IS SO STRESSFUL, SERVING BREAD!

 

RYAN: It’s more than that, you gotta talk to people and I hate that!
 

CATHERINE: You know what Nicole was telling me today?

 

RYAN: The fuck’s Nicole?

 

CATHERINE: She’s the woman on the balcony at the building across from us!
 

RYAN: You need to stop talking to her, she’s putting ideas in your head!
 

CATHERINE: I haven’t even told you what she said yet!
 

RYAN: Fine, what’d she say?

 

CATHERINE: She said you can make a lot of money in amateur porn.

 

RYAN: What?!
 

CATHERINE: I’m not saying I would do it, I’m just saying it’s interesting.

 

RYAN: Why don’t you just go work at FOX News whole you’re at it? I hear that place is like The Casting Couch.

 

(Pan over to the open sliding glass door. Nicole is standing on the balcony across from them)

 

NICOLE: YOU’RE BEING UNFAIR TO HER!
 

CATHERINE: THANK YOU!

 

RYAN: How the fuck can she hear us?!
 

CATHERINE: The bitch has amazing hearing.

 

(Ryan goes over and closes the sliding glass door)

 

RYAN: Why are you so upset?!

 

CATHERINE: Because you’re the breadwinner so far in this relationship! I’m just a stay-at-home girlfriend!
 

RYAN: Fine, you want my job?! You want the pressures and responsibilities of bread?! (Ryan goes over to his hat and apron and throws it at her feet) Take it! Go in as me! I’m used to being the helpless one anyway! Please?

 

CATHERINE: Wow, you’re actually trying to get me to take your job.

 

RYAN: Yeah.

 

CATHERINE: …God, Ryan, that’s pathetic.

 

(Ryan throws his hands up and sits down)

 

RYAN: …So what do we do?

 

CATHERINE: …I think we should take a break. Why don’t you live with Alan?

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: I do miss that guy.

 

CATHERINE: Then go to him.

 

(Ryan shakes his head and grabs his hat and apron and walks out of the apartment. Cut to Richard Stovall sitting at the news desk with Patrick White)

 

RICHARD: Tonight, we have a special guest. The former anchor of this news desk, Mr. Patrick White.

 

PATRICK: Thanks for having me, Rich.

 

RICHARD: Appreciate you coming on. We hear you have a bombshell about city council candidate Ethan Donahue.

 

PATRICK: That’s right. I spoke with a young woman at the Sullivan Hotel, and I was picking up on her. And she was impressed. And she was ready to put out.

 

RICHARD: Get to the point.

 

PATRICK: Okay, she mentioned in passing that her room was purchased by Ethan Donahue. So I was like, “whaaaa?” So I pried further, and I found out her name was Anella King. And she’s Mr. Donahue’s mistress. He’s cheating on his wife Fiona Cadbury, don’t shoot the messenger! Okay? I risked my life and sacrificed my chance to smash by telling you this information.

 

RICHARD: Well, that is one hefty accusation. (Richard looks off camera) What’s that? Oh, okay. Mr. Donahue is having a press conference as we speak, let’s go to that.

 

(They cut to Ethan standing behind a podium in front of his apartment complex. Behind him, is his wife Fiona and his mistress, Anella)

 

ETHAN: Mr. White has come out with an accusation today that we were anticipating. We figured we’d get out in front of it to prevent him from smearing me. Let’s correct the record. Ms. King here, is not my mistress. She is our threesome partner. (News cameras flicker) Not that it’s any of serial pervert Patrick White’s business, but my wife and I like to have threesomes. And Anella happens to be the woman we do them with. One aspect of my LSD trip a month ago that stuck with me was, sexual liberation.

 

ANELLA: So mind your own!

 

ETHAN: Now. If you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go have sex with each other.

 

(Ethan takes the hands of Fiona and Anella and walk into the apartment complex as the cameras flicker. Cut to Richard and Patrick)

 

RICHARD: …How do you respond to accusations that you’re a serial pervert?

 

(Patrick pinches his bridge)

 

PATRICK: Fuck.

 

(Cut to Jacob and Renzi returning to base, where General MaGarthur is. He is sitting behind a card table, under a canopy)

 

JACOB: Sir, we got distracted for a second and they burned the poppy field down!
 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Yeah, I can smell the burning! You guys royally fucked up!
 

PRIVATE RENZI: We’re so sorry, sir.

 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Did they follow you back?

 

JACOB: I don’t know, I didn’t see anyone.

 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Damnit, don’t you guys know they’re stealth Muslims? They can’t be far.

 

JACOB: I don’t know, I haven’t- (Gunfire begins barraging the tent, killing General MaGarthur, causing Jacob and Private Renzi to panic and take cover behind a nearby artillery vehicle) FUCK, THEY KILLED HIM!!

 

PRIVATE RENZI: JESUS, IT MUST BE THE TALIBAN! RETURN FIRE!

 

(Jacob peeks out and starts firing. “Ghost Rider” by Suicide begins playing as we cut to Ryan and Alan standing outside Alan’s town home. They run towards each other and hug. Cut to Catherine standing on her balcony, talking to Nicole from across the way. Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Anella having a threesome in Ethan’s bedroom. Ethan is having sex vaginally with Fiona, whilst fingering Anella. Cut to Ethan watching TV the next morning. Fiona is drinking coffee in the kitchen while squinting. Anella comes out of the bedroom and waves at Fiona and Ethan. Ethan waves back, and Fiona coldly nods. Anella then leaves as Fiona sips her coffee. Cut to Jacob and Private Renzi, along with several other troops, watching as General MaGarthur’s body is taken away. Jacob is tearing up. Renzi puts his hand on Jacob’s shoulder as the song ends and we cut to black)

 

THE END


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